December 10, 2005
Chico: I wonder if humping the drum is involved.
Gordon: So you get to grab Bai Ling's Balls?
Jason: She has none. Or shame.
Chico: Or clothes for that matter. ... Precious airtime going by.
Gordon: Anyways, court is NOW in session. Order in my court!
Chico: Thin crust with everything on it! I had to!
Jason: (stands in the corner as bailiff)
Gordon: Does it taste good?
Chico: Yes it does, Harry... err, Gordon. Sorry, Night Court on the brain.
Anyway... Today's docket, please?
Gordon: It's time for another edition of We The Jury. I give you people and
charges, and you decide if they merit guilt.
Chico: Gotcha. It's Judgment Time!
Gordon: Insipred by the Julia DeMato story. First up....
ACCUSED: Jeff Probst (aka: Pretty Boy Probst, Uncle Jeffy)
Jason: Define the charge please Judge.
Gordon: Was he really planning on retiring, or was it all a smokescreen to milk
more money from the CBS Cows?
Chico: This is a new one for Jeffy...
Jason: Guilty. This was the classic contract ploy.
Chico: Yeah, just hasn't been used by him. Guilty.
Don: Yeah, guilty.
Gordon: It's Unanimous - GUILTY! What's the sentence?
Jason: To sit through the entire Season of But Can They Sing...with the speakers
Chico: Nice Spinal Tap reference :-)
Jason: 24". that's all I have to say :-)
Gordon: I'll augment it that the singers must all be Survivor 11 Contestants!
ACCUSED: Lingo Producers
CHARGE: Age Discrimination
Gordon: Do people aged 18-35 play better, or is this a ploy to only get the eye
candy on the show?
Chico: Eye candy.
Don: Guilty. I'm sure that people over 35 can play just as well.
Jason: Guilty. I want to play. And I miss the cutoff by two years.
Chico: We are an unforgiving jury today. GUILTY!
Gordon: Don't people realize that there
are people over 35 who actually want to play? GUILTY! The sentence?
Jason: To watch an never ending loop of Medicare Drug Plan commercials and
Liberty Medical commercials.
Chico: With Hal Linden?
Jason: Carol Burnett.
Gordon: I like the Alex Trebek commercials, myself. Next defendants please...
ACCUSED: Martha Stewart
Jason: Are you sure this isn't double jeopardy?
Gordon: In an interview where her finale show is cut to one hour, Martha rips
the contestants, saying that she doesn't want to hire any of them and she had
nothing to do with the selection process. Was that uncalled for, or are the
contestants who are left really that bad?
Chico: .. the contestants (save for maybe Marcela) are really bad. Martha really
has a thang for Marcela.
Jason: You don't have to rip them like that...the show isn't even over yet.
Gordon: The show's technically been over for weeks.
Jason: True. You can read Julie Suchard's recaps to prove that :-)
Don: I'm certainly not fond of any of the remaining contestants myself,
Gordon: I hate to side to be lenient, but I side with Martha. None of the
contestants are impressive, and when the psychotic Jim looks like he has a
legitimate shot to win this, you have to be concerned.
Chico: I don't care for the show as a whole. But Martha... that was just cold...
Why the hell didn't you do that over the course of the series? Too concerned
with the camera? Keeping up appearances are we? Guilty!
Gordon: I agree that she was cold - but she happens to be right. Not guilty.
Jason: That is the Martha we wanted to see at the BEGINNING of the show.
Don: I wouldn't be surprised at this rate if there ended up being NO winner.
Gordon: That would certainly make interesting television. Would you hire any of
Chico: I'd hire Marcela... to be my eye candy =p So two guiltys, two not guiltys
meaning... a Hung jury.
Gordon: Bring out William Hung!
(William Hung comes out and sings She Bangs...and then gets the big hook)
Gordon: At least she got a better deal now than at her other trial.
Chico: That's true.
Gordon: Next up...
ACCUSED: The Teachers and 'Future Educators' in the world who appeared on Who
Wants to Be a Millionaire this week.
Gordon: These are supposed to be the smart people who are teaching our kids. Was
that the worst Teachers Millionaire showing ever?
Don: I was certainly disappointed. Guilty.
Jason: Guilty. I read the recaps.
Gordon: How many teachers came and went this week, Don?
Chico: I was kinda hoping for a big finish... Obviously Disney Teacher Award
winners were going on merit alone here.
Don: Not a single one reached the upper tier.
Gordon: And what direction do the wheels on the bus go, everyone?
Chico: Round and round. Guilty.
Gordon: That was the first time in the Meredith Vieira era, by the way, that a
Lifeline had to be used on the $100 question.
Don: I was certainly shocked to see that $100 question from Tuesday on AIM a
Gordon: And now you know why. Oh wait...we have a subcharge from this case.
ACCUSED: The Millionaire Casting Coordinators
CHARGE: Aiding and Abetting
Gordon: Aiding and Abetting a heinous Teacher's Week
Gordon: Jury members?
Don: Definitely guilty.
Gordon: A guilty verdict on the lot of
you! What's the sentence?
Jason: A lesson in casting better contestants...and BRING BACK THE PHONE GAME!
Chico: The world needs my trivia booty. Now more than ever.
Gordon: I think they need to bring back the live game - and instead of a
recording, make them all answer every call. Manually.
Chico: That's right.
Gordon: JUSTICE! Next one...
ACCUSED: Giselle Fernandez, Drew Lachey, Romeo and Lisa Rinna
CHARGE: Media-Hoing without a proper license or reputation.
Gordon: Do they really deserve to be on Dancing With the Stars 2?
Chico: What is no? Guilty.
Jason: I feel unsympathetic...guilty.
Don: I never even heard of some of them until today. Guilty.
Chico: True media hoes.
Gordon: Who are these people? GUILTY!
What's the sentence for Media Ho-ing?
Chico: I figured being a ho is bad enough, but...
Jason: Hosting But Can They Sing 2
Gordon: What about Judging But Can They Sing, 2?
Gordon: JUSTICE! Last one...
ACCUSED: American Television Executives
Jason: Oh boy.
Chico: I can't wait to hear this one.
Gordon: We still haven't seen Temptation, and DOND gets a spot in the holidays
in December. When do WE get to see the good foreign shows - or is what we are
hearing about actually not that good?
Jason: Not Guilty. I will wait to see about DOND
Chico: I also withhold judgment until after DoND. Wait until the year-end
special... Christmas Weekend! :-)
Don: Yeah, good idea.
Gordon: So we despise the American Television executives for not giving us the
shows we want, but now that we have a chance to call them on it, you all balk?
Chico: Let's see if they can deliver on this first. Besides, we also get Game
Jason: I am giving them the benefit of the doubt.
Gordon: You must all be getting tired.
Court is adjourned so all of you can get some rest.
Don: At least we know we're getting DoND. Took them long enough, but at least
we'll finally get to see it.
Chico: Two years in development hell? Yeah, I'd say so.
Jason: COURT IS ADJOURNED. THE HONORABLE GORDON PEPPER IS LEAVING THE COURT
Gordon: When we come back - a new game! Wheeeeee
Chico: there goes da-judge...
Gordon: (Leaves Room)
Jason: Love that Flip Wilson
Chico: We miss Flip.
Jason: Hey Gordon...you can come back now!
(Brought to you by Dancing with the S'mores. Jerry Rice ballets with Graham
Crackers while the pudgy George Hamilton gets into a stay puft Marshmallo man
costume. As for Stacy Keibler's being covered in...
...chocolate for her bikini mud pit dance? Mmmmmm-mmmm gooooooood...)