Joe: Text us to get help :-D
Jason: No obnoxious British women here.
Chico: Okay, we're back, and court is in session.
Gordon: Order in My Court!
Chico: The semi-honorable judge Gordon Pepper presiding... ALL RISE.... I
SAID RISE, DAMMIT!
Mike: *gets up*
Joe: *stands*
Jason: *gets up*
Gordon: Rise and...not that part rising, Joe. Ewww.
Jason: JOE!
Joe: Wait, I thought my fly was zipped.
Jason: It wasn't. Trust me.
Gordon: I should go after you for public lewdness, boy.
Joe: But I'm wearing briefs....NEW briefs
Gordon: Too. Much. Information.
Mike: THANK YOU FOR THAT INFO, JOE
Chico: It's time for We the Jury. Gordon presents cases. We judge... Gordon
passes sentence. JUSTICE! And we all look at Joe funny.. again.
Mike: Since we're in court, is it fair to say Joe's wearing legal briefs?
Jason: Yes. (rimshot)
Mike: If you squint, Judge Pepper looks a lot like Judge Judy.
Gordon: Anyways, before this turns into juvenile court, first case...
Accused - American Idol Producers
Charge - Manipulation
Chico: Evidence?
Gordon: According to Queen, the Producers edited the footage out of context
to make it seem like Ace got into a squabble with them. This could have led
Ace into the Bottom three.
Jason: Not Guilty. His PERFORMANCE got him into the Bottom Three.
Chico: ... Straight out of the mouths of Blocks. Not guilty.
Jason: Not a petty squabble between a newcomer and one of the world's
greatest rock band.
Chico: For all the wrong reasons.
Jason: And Besides...isn't Queen trying to live off the legacy of Freddie
Mercury by using Paul Rodgers?
Mike: I have no say in the matter. You know what I think about Idol.
Joe: As you noted earlier I'm hung like manhole cover.
Chico: Joe, the case.. Oh. You're abstaining as well. My bad. Two abstain,
two not guilty.
Joe: It's a play on words
Chico: I got it after a few seconds.
Gordon: Not guilty here. The producers are free to go. What about...
Accused - American Inventor Producers
Charge - Deception
Chico: Evidence?
Gordon: According to printed reports, the contract that the winner has to
sign has language that includes that American Inventor now holds all right
and a percentage of the profit.
Chico: Which means that Cowell gets pay... And is anyone the wiser of this?
Mike: Simon Cowell getting rich off of someone else's talent? Go figure!
Guilty.
Jason: Does that mean all creative control goes to American Inventor, Inc?
Gordon: Correct
Jason: Guilty.
Joe: Not guilty on the grounds of semantics. If you didn't see something
like this coming, then that's your own fault.
Chico: No one made any claims to the contrary, so I'm going to say not
guilty as well...
Joe: The real AI owns your soul, so why shouldn't this AI, too?
Mike: Clever!
Gordon: You would expect to give up a percentage. You would not expect to
give up ALL rights to it. Guilty!! The Verdict is that the Producers are
sentenced to one year of using the Bladder Buddy...on a full time basis!
Jason: Ewwwwww
Gordon: JUSTICE! Next up...
ACCUSED - The Millionaire Contestants
Charge - Cheating on their Millionaire Entrance Exams
Jason: Uh Oh.
Joe: Oh. ok
Chico: oh..
Jason: I see.
Chico: GUILTY... Whatever the evidence is.. I passed mine. And I used this..
*points at brain*
Gordon: Ok. So they have been better on the show this week. We STILL haven't
seen a $500,000 question. If they used their heads, we would have at least
seen $500,000, no?
Jason: Guilty. I passed the phone test and used my head...6 YEARS AGO
Joe: I say not guilty, as good TV>smarts in this new game show world. I
accuse the contestants of wasting resources
Mike: I say not guilty because Millionaire's not looking for smarts, but
rather good stories.
Joe: Are there exams anymore?
Chico: There are exams. But you know, they look at the entire questionnaire,
like "Who can we market"?
Joe: I still say it's because TVQ>IQ
Gordon: The punishment - they all have to be extras on Playmania!
Chico: Are you serious?
Joe: OBJECTION!: Cruel and unusual!: Even their intelligence is above
Playmania's
Jason: I like it myself :-)
Gordon: Actually, that's not painful enough. I know...they have to be the
NEW MODELS on Playmania!
Jason: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
Joe: They have Models?
Gordon: Hosts, models, Eye Candy, Whatever
Joe: That's a little better
Gordon: Next!
Accused - Endemol and Matt Kunitz
Charge - Cloning
Joe: Evidence?
Gordon: Kunitz (fresh off of Fear Factor) and Endemol are now coming up with
Operation Triunfo, a show that remarkably looks like American Idol...
ABC now has their music show. Is it going to be original or a clone?
Chico: Only with behind the scenes bits a la Rock Star. It's based on Fame
Academy, et al.
Jason: I say Guilty.
Joe: Guilty, but there's a bigger crime and that's Madison Avenue thinking
that we like being force-fed the same damn thing over and over again
Jason: Very good Joe.
Chico: Guil... ty...
Mike: Guilty and I like Joe's reasoning.
Chico: Bob Dole likes your style... Bob Dole thinks you're onto something...
Bob Dole... Bob Dole...
Gordon: Guilty it is!
Chico: Bob.... Dole.
Joe: But Can They Sing? was amusing because it was practicallya spoof
Jason: Joe---what are you thinkin?
Chico: Say the same thing about Superstar USA and I'll bean you one.
Joe: I said amusing. Not good
Gordon: The Punishment...Matt Kunitz will be the NEW JUDGE for Season 2 of
But...Can...They...Sing!
Jason: Can he will be licked by Ant every show?
Gordon: Yes...And he has to put on the outfit that Bai Ling was wearing
while being licked by Ant on every show.
Chico: OBJECTION!
Joe: And there's our Bai Ling reference for the week
Chico: This is a family show :-)
Gordon: Bai Ling isn't family? Next one...
Accused - The Cast of Big Brother 6
Charge - Media Ho-ing without a proper license
Chico: Charge?
Joe: Evidence?
Gordon: We already spent one Summer with these people who have the combined
strategic savvy of a peach. Do we really need - or want - to spend another
Summer with them?
Jason: GUILTY...
Mike: That's good enough for me. Guilty.
Joe: No, but if it worked for Survivor.....:-\
Chico: That's just it. It didn't work for Survivor. At least from a game
point of view.
Joe: I don't want Big Brother on my television ever ever ever
Chico: Guilty. Guilty guilty guilty.
Joe: Guilty only because I didn't even like Season 1
Gordon: Guilty! Justice!
Jason: For their sentence, can they spend the entire summer with Omarosa and
Janice Dickinson of the Surreal Life?
Gordon: If you add the mime from Season 4 of Big Brother, I'll allow it,
Jay.
Jason: Done.
Gordon: Finally...
Accused - India
Jason: The whole country?
Gordon: The whole country
Joe: This oughta be good
Jason: Damn...the charge?
Charge - A temporary lapse of sanity and good taste
Joe: That's the US in a nutshell :-P
Gordon: Yes, but the U.S.'s insanity is 24/7. India, with Temptation, DOND,
and other quality game shows is usually a bastion of fun...until they
decided to put on their version of...The ChairThe show is called Heartbeatz,
and you can answer as many questions as you want - but you lose the money if
your heart beat level surpasses a certain mark. Wha?
Jason: GUILTY! What were they thinking?
Joe: Maybe they want to be as wacky and torturous as Japan...But Guilty
Mike: I say not guilty. For every couple of successes, there will be a bad
decision. The Chair wasn't a bad show.
Joe: Wasn't good, either
Chico: I agree with Mike.. Not guilty.
Gordon: So it's up to me, eh?
Chico: Yeah
Joe: Man, I'm gonna lose another coin flip ><
Gordon: I think that India, with all of the things going on in the Middle
East, may be stressed out. I'll table this case for a later time. Meanwhile,
we need to send DOND contestant Sheetal Shetty to India as a goodwill
messenger and maybe send with her a media ho or two.
Chico: I nominate Omarosa and Paula Abdul.
Joe: I nominate Bai Ling
Gordon: As a sign of good will or just to get them out of this country?
Jason: Both
Joe: After all, India does have a nuclear program, right? ;-)
Gordon: Done. Justice!
Mike: Excellent job, Howie Mandel.
Gordon: Uhhh...ummm....we'll send Howie over there too, since India is
looking for a new DOND host.
Jason: True.
Gordon: Maybe Howie will ease their stress.
Joe: I thought that's what this case was going to be about. Ha ha. Case.
Gordon: On that note, we are in recess. Chico will now change the court room
into an art gallery as we play a new game
Joe: No more sequestering?
Chico: Get your thinking caps on as we play with pictures... After the
break.
(Brought to you by Big Brothel. We vote all of the Big Brother Guys into
the house. Unbeknownst to them, Eli Roth has invited the cast from Hostel to
slice and dice the Houseguests. Watch with glee as the house guests get
turned into Thanksgiving dinner.)
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