February 27, 2005

Chico: Hi, I'm Chico Alexander, and apparently I'm the best Jeopardy! player to never play the game.
Jason: Do you think Maddie Suchard could have beat some of the grownups this week?
Gordon: I think Maddie Suchard would have been a 5 time Jeopardy Champ.
Chico: Blind albino cavebats could've beaten some of the grownups this week.
Jason: I agree with that. It was an ugly week on J!
Gordon: How ugly was it?
Chico: It looked into the mirror and the mirror (blanked)
Jason: exploded!
Mike: shrieked in horror
Gordon: melted
Don: lol
Chico: Meanwhile, the best looking part of the week, because from Somewhere in America, WLTI... is... on!
Gordon: Yay!
Jason: Alright!
Chico: We're going to get into last week's raw gameage in a moment, but first a matter of the introduction of the panel is at hand, of course.... First up, a man who could also be five-time J! champ, Jason Block....
Jason: I am trying to get Vince McMahon to book Donald v. Martha in a steel cage for Wrestlemania 22. Think it will work?
Chico: You know something... It could.
Gordon: Toss Pete Rose in there for a 3 Way match
Mike: It would be HUUUUUUGE.
Jason: I'll get back to you on it.
Chico: It would be the best wrestling match in the world... It would be really great.
Don: That would certainly be worth watching.
Mike: How about a tag team match with Bode Miller as the 4th participant?
Chico: Have your people call my people... Next, another man who could be five-time J! champ, Mike Klauss...
Mike: I'm honored to be in the same class as The Block, thank you. I found out something very interesting this week.
Chico: What would that be?
Mike: Teenagers love UK game shows. I did a numbers round of Countdown with my 10th and 11th graders. They wanted to do more of it, lots more. They enjoyed watching clips from Countdown and they had fun doing some numbers games.
Jason: All right!
Gordon: Adults love UK game shows too.
Jason: Yes...conversion is good.
Chico: We all love UK game shows...
Gordon: Too bad none of them ARE HERE!
Mike: They'll get their chance on Friday, if any of them happen to see this.
Chico: And finally, a man who could be a five-time J! champ... if he really applied himself, Don Harpwood.
Gordon: He's a 5 time Donut!
Don: Yeah, I'd just have to study... And make the trip to L.A....
Chico: You say that like it's hard.
Mike: Surely there's a good Canadian show up there. Isn't there one on your Comedy Network?
Don: There is one. You Bet Your Ass.
Gordon: Can I bet The Donald instead?
Chico: I heard it was crappy, though.
Don: Well, it could have been a lot better. But at least it's there.
Chico: Yeah, it's something, you know... like the little tiff between Donald Trump and Martha Stewart. If I may be so bold to make an observation...
Gordon: You may.
Chico: Monday, 9pm, NBC, what's on?
Jason: The Apprentice.
Chico: And we're just getting all this about Donald Trump this week?
Mike: Are you trying to infer something, Chico? That it might be more than just coincidence?
Gordon: Well, for most media outlets, he's just trying to get this out as increased publicity for his new season. For other markets, well let's just say that he tried extra hard...
Jason: What do you mean, Gordon?
Gordon: Didn't you hear? He bought us out. Well...he bought me and Chico out (Counts Money)...one thousand, two thousand...
Chico: Indeed he did, fellers... Doesn't take a genius to figure out that Trump is employing the oldest trick in the book... any publicity is good publicity... Now excuse me while I swim in my pool of money.
Gordon: And the show is now We Love Trump Interrupt, by the way.
Jason: Hold on a sec....may I interrupt your observation?
Chico: Okay, Jason?
Jason: A little history if I may.
Chico: k
Gordon: Hold on Chico, you got a 100 stuck in your bathing su...ewww.
Chico: Hey!
Jason: The first really "fake" fight was between radio stars Fred Allen and Jack Benny back in the 1940's. They were very good friends but staged a rivalry that lasted years to get ratings on both their shows. But in this particular case, I do not believe that there would be collusion between Martha Stewart and Trump because the language they used. There was some serious verbal bitch slapping going on. And still is.
Chico: Do tell.
Jason: In yesterday's Daily News...Gossip Columnist Rush and Molloy reported on what happened on Martha Stewart's radio show on Thursday. (turns pages) Ah yes.
Chico: Nice to have the stuff at hand, isn't it?
Jason: Martha Stewart said "Donald is not a normal businessman. He is was born with a silver spoon in his mouth. Alexis Stewart sniped, "Or Up His A**."
Don: Yikes.
Chico: .... whoa... Ice queen got some bite.
Jason: "I Feel Sorry For Ivanka", said Alexis. "she seems like a nice girl. It must be hard to have such a freak for a father." Ivanka is replacing Carolyn Kepcher on this season's Apprentice in at least one episode.
Chico: When did this become Alexis' fight again?
Jason: Alexis is protecting her mom. They appeared together on the Martha Stewart channel on Sirius Satellite Radio.
Chico: See, I wouldn't know... because I've got an MP3 player in my car :-) Anyways, go on.
Jason: It goes on from there. But this language doesn't seem like publicity stunt language. This is real deal.
Gordon: And we, as the American Public, love it
Chico: Yeah, but neither did Andy Kaufman vs. Jerry Lawler, and look how that turned out. I don't know, I'm not the best person to ask, I'm a jaded American youth.
Gordon: And Joining us is the King of TRASH (but I mean it in a nice trivia way), Mr. James Dinan.
Jason: Hey James.
Chico: Yo :-)
James: Hello all.
Jason: So do you think the Martha v. Donald fight is real or a publicity stunt?
James: A little bit of A and a little bit of B
Chico: .. Mostly from B, right?
James: I do think there is some anger over the failure of Martha's Apprentice, but Donald is the master of media manipulation, and he's going to play this card as long as he can to get ratings for his show.
Chico: Absolutely 100 percent agreed. I brought up that we're just hearing more about this beef a week before his show's premiere. It doesn't take a Stephen Hawking to figure out that there's some sort of pub monster behind it.
James: And let's face it, he's going from a time slot where he was a guaranteed second (behind CSI), to a slot where he could be as low as FOURTH.
Chico: He could be guaranteed third, actually. Behind CBS's comedies and Fox's 24. ABC could end up in fourth... if there is a God and no one gives a flip about the Bachelor. But moments before zero hour, it doesn't hurt to take any chances...
James: The Bachelor Finale appears to be two hours, according to abc.com
Jason: Julie has to go through that...oy.
Chico: To our Bachelor recapper Julie Suchard... Julie, if you're reading this... we're sorry.
Gordon: I feel for Julie. I also feel for Chico who had to go through probably the Worst Price is Right...ever.
Jason: Oh my god.
Gordon: Share with us your pain, my child.
Chico: How often does this happen.... We go zero-for-6, AND there's a double overbid. I could hear Travis Schario screaming from Ohio... and he's like 250 miles up.
Gordon: Is this the 71st time we've had a skunk?
Chico: 71st or so according to our friends at Golden-Road.net.
Don: This isn't just a skunk. This is a complete, absolute, total skunk.
Mike: It was not pretty.
Jason: This was 3 day old garbage smelly.
Chico: This was, as a wise man once said, "bordering on excruciating."
Gordon: What were the games?
Jason: Temptation, Make your Move, Flip Flop, Grocery Game...
Chico: Master Key...
Jason: One Right Price...  And Flip Flop was very easy
Don: Yeah.
Jason: And a couple of games were close.
Gordon: None of the games are easy, per se, but you'd think that they'd win ONE Of them. It's not like the games were Joker, Check Out, Secret X, On The Spot, That's Too Much and Half-Off.
Chico: Sayin... And then it goes OVER-OVER in the Showcase?
Jason: Yup.
Chico: We're going to see some e-mail about this, I bet.
Jason: I said to myself, "Well, there's an hour I will never get back."
Gordon: Agreed.
Don: Well, at least it was good for their budget, right?
Jason: The total amount given away was $8,739. Roger is happy. CBS is happy. The fans aren't. Think about the people who waited over 24 hours to see 6 bombs.
Chico: They probably have 6 bombs of their own.
Gordon: F-bombs, probably
Jason: If you have been on the lines, people want to see people win. It's a real fun bunch.
Chico: It really is... Even better when we're there :-).
Gordon: Well, I see your skunk and add a llama.
Chico: I call your llama... Mind if I bring up the question?
Gordon: You may, as we have Don talk about his pain after seeing someone bomb out on the $300 question of Who Wants to be a Millionaire.
Chico: This is from Million Dollar Movie Week from WWTBAM this week...
Don: Man, that llama came from out of nowhere... I'm still a bit stunned that we saw it happen this week.
Chico: The question is...

Movies belonging to what film genre are traditionally set in the late 19th century?
A: Sword and sandals
B: Romance
C: Film noir
D: Western

Jason: Sounds like a western to me.
Don: It was. The llama said B.
Jason: (shakes head) May I defend the llama? Although I don't think it was as bad as some llamas. I understand why that person guessed.
Chico: Why's that?
Jason: Because romances have been set there. Gone With the Wind is a romance set there. For example.
Gordon: I didn't realize that most romance movies took place in the 1890's
Jason: Not most...some.
Chico: Actually, that would be more like the mid-19th century, Gone with the Wind.
Jason: Ok so I lose.
Chico: Sorry, J.
Jason: I tried.
Gordon: It's all about reading the question CAREFULLY.
Jason: Believe me, I know that.
Gordon: If he took his time, and THOUGHT about it, then it's a very easy question.
Chico: Besides... Hey, Gordon, was "Hitch" set in the 1800s? Will Smith trying to hook up Rhett Butler or something?
Jason: Or horses and buggies.
Gordon: I always thought Shakespeare in Love was in the 1890's myself.
Chico: Nope.
Gordon: What about Love Story? Weren't they playing Tennis in the 1890's?
Jason: Hardy har har.
Gordon: We wouldn't be this mean if it wasn't the fact that NO ONE this season is actually sitting down and reading the bleeping questions correctly! (Kicks wall)
Jason: Easy!
Gordon: Sorry, wall.
Chico: Switching gears from the worst to the best, we probably had the best night of television on television at 8p Thursday.
Gordon: We did, if you eliminate Sasha Cohen's two falls.
Chico: Yes... She still has Vancouver, though. In four years, just watch.
Jason: You have the Dancing with the Stars final dance. This is being recorded before the finale on Sunday.
Chico: And Drew danced like "Forget Sunday, I'm going to win this thing now..." He was riding Cheryl like that... and then Cheryl was riding him... and then ... yeah, it was a big ride-fest.
Gordon: Does someone need a cold shower?
Chico: Cheryl riding someone... oh man.. I'm catching the vapors :-)
Jason: (hands Chico a glass of ice water)
Chico: Man... that's hot... :-)
Jason: Although I want Stacy to win badly. After Thursday, it's Drew's to lose.
Don: I thought I heard that Stacy hurt her ankle earlier this week or something...
Jason: She said it on the "Ellen" show this week.
Chico: Really....
Gordon: Moving on to show #3 - American Idol. The first 4 casualties have been announced. Any surprises?
Jason: From what I read...none.
Chico: Nope. Let's take a look here.. Becky was all over with the pitch... Patrick looked like he was trying to be someone he wasn't... Bobby was basically using his time as a joke... And Stevie... was as dead as a fish.
Gordon: That's pretty accurate. What pissed me off the most was Bobby. There are so many people who wanted to be on the show - and then this guy makes it a farce. I'm sure that at least 20 other Idol males were throwing something at the TV when he was performing. And I do respect that he was singing it for his grandmother, but it's all about the presentation. He didn't sing it like he wanted to win. He sang it like a farce, and THAT'S what upset me.
Chico: I'm like, "You're doing this for your grandmother? No offense, but your grandmother can wait... you've got a game to win!" It was just... oh God, this was horrible.
Don: I think my ears started bleeding as I was hearing that performance...
Chico: But on the bright side, I have 9 spots filled on my scorecard with three left to be determined. May I share?
James: Sure
Gordon: Please do. Big Board?

Chico: Okay... Nine out of 12 on my Scorecard here... I have Paris, Mandisa, Lisa, Katharine, Sway, Chris, Elliott, Ace, and Taylor. With three "wild cards" left to figure out.
Gordon: I don't have Sway marked down if he continues to sing like he did on Wednesday. He has potential, but he needs to hit the notes.
Chico: I have no doubt that he'll hit the notes. Just need to hear something that isn't Philip Bailey, you know? You have yours, G?
Gordon: I do
Chico: Let's hear it.

Gordon: I'll give it to you based on locks and iffy. I'm not sure if I have 9 locks though
Chico: That'll work
Gordon: Men - Locks - Ace, Elliott, Chris, Taylor, Gedeon. Iffy - Sway.
Chico: I didn't think Gedeon was that good, but different strokes for different folks, I suppose.
Gordon: Lone black male. As long as he doesn't humiliate himself, he's a lock.
Chico: You mean like he humiliated himself this week?
Gordon: Actually, I thought he played it textbook - like Idol Contestants should be doing - pick a good song and sing it well. The humiliation was more from Simon attacking his smile than anything else. I could see 6 people who were worse than he was.
Chico: Understandable.. as for the women?
Gordon: Women - Locks - Mandisa, Katharine, Lisa, Paris. Iffy - Brenna, Kellie
Chico: Looks like you have nine, too.. And after you said you didn't... LIAR! :-D
Gordon: Guess I do
Chico: J'accuse! :-D
Gordon: You're just jealous that your show got cancelled after 1 season.
Chico: My show was NOT But Can They Sing, thank you :-) Speaking of shows that weren't cancelled after one season, Deal... or No Deal... returns Monday... What a long 2 months this was.
Jason: With a potential 3M on the table.
Gordon: That concerns me.
Don: The rising jackpot idea... Too soon?
Chico: I think returning is too soon. Too much too soon...will the buzz-building work?
Gordon: Quite honestly? No. Never in the history of game shows has the ratings gone up when you increased the jackpot. Didn't work on Millionaire. Didn't work on Greed. Not going to work here. Just like Vince McMahon destroyed the WWE Vs. WCW angle by rushing things, so is NBC killing a global franchise by rushing it here.
Chico: Finally, Gordon, we agree on something :-)
Gordon: No we don't
Chico: Yes we do.
Gordon: We can't. It's impossible.
Don: lol
Chico: I said "Too much too soon," and you're agreeing with me :-) But where will it find an audience? I call Big Board Sequel!
Jason: Big Board Sequel.

Chico: We've done this before, so you know what to do... Just to see where it stands a chance... Watch... or no watch? Monday: it's up against the Skating with Celebrities, CBS's comedies, and Wife Swap.
Jason: It should place 2nd.
Gordon: Last show of Skating. First show of DOND. I'll watch until the first contestant leaves, because they won't have enough time for the second contestant and FOX loves to keep us waiting for any winners until the end.
Chico: And the end just happens to be in one hour for a change.. Because Kiefer needs his me time :-) So Monday: second.
Gordon: And watch.
Chico: Tuesday... Uy. Up against Idol.
Gordon: Not a chance. No Watch.
Jason: Crushed like a bug.
Chico: And NCIS. I'm guessing at least third in the time slot. Worst case scenario.. a distant third.
James: I'll say first or second on Monday (sorry for being late)...third on Tuesday.
Chico: Wednesday: Also up against Idol, but also up against ... well, I forget.
Mike: I'll play the optimist. 2nd on Tuesday.
Chico: I'm guessing second on Wednesday. But it's a very big if.
James: A fresh NCIS will beat DoND...the NCIS audience is too loyal for that show...ratings never go up, never go down...always around 10-10.5
Mike: I'm still sticking to my guns--2nd on Tuesday.
Jason: Wednesday at 8?
Chico: Wednesday at 8.
James: ABC has George Lopez and Freddie, CBS has two episodes of Still Standing.
Jason: And America's Next Top Model premieres.
Chico: That's right!
Gordon: Idol is what I'm going to be watching - and if I'm not watching that, I'm watching Top Model. No Watch.
James: I'm going with second...Top Model could actually threaten ABC or CBS, but not DoND.
Jason: 2nd.
Mike: I concur
Chico: Thursday at 8p: Up against Idol and Survivor. At best, they can hope for third.
James: ABC is airing the movie Sweet Home Alabama, so third it is.
Jason: Third.
Gordon: Idol. Survivor...no room for DOND either. No Watch.
Don: At least Dancing will be done before then.
Chico: Yep..
Mike: As much as I want to say 2nd, I agree with 3rd. Survivor and Idol are too big. Even if they split the audience, there won't be enough for Deal to pass either of them.
Chico: And Friday... Ghost Whisperer and... well, that's it, really. Nothing on ABC, nothing on Fox... It could win Friday...
Gordon: I'd watch DOND on Friday
James: Ghost Whisperer may be a rerun on Friday, as sweeps will be over, so I'm going to say 1st.
Mike: AFV on ABC, NAACP Image Awards on FOX. Smackdown is on UPN, but that shouldn't hurt Deal. Definite first.
Jason: Deal Wins Friday.
Chico: I think it could win Friday.
Mike: But nobody will be watching Friday night. They'll be celebrating. :-P <-- birthday on Friday
Jason: Alright.
Gordon: So we see a DOND win on Monday and Friday, but it gets crushed in the middle of the week at the hands of American Idol. I see the ratings significantly lower for this run.
Chico: And then... the regular Monday spot. Up against Prison Break, Wife Swap, and CBS's comedies... Worst: third. Best: second.
Jason: agreed.
James: Actually, I think the best could be first.
Chico: Not if the buzz on Prison Break continues.
Gordon: I think DOND could be first on Monday, but they need to be patient with it.
James: DoND can beat Wife Swap, and Prison Break is a tossup for me.
Mike: If Prison Break is a new ep., Deal could be 2nd. If not, Deal could be 1st.
Chico: Meanwhile, ... we have a break. From our good friend Alex Davis, it looks like the week of March 6 will feature two episodes of Deal or No Deal, one Monday the 6 at 8, and one March 10 at 8. So we have Monday and Friday that week.
Jason: Smart.
James: Could win both days...
Don: Cool.
Mike: Very smart. Deal could win both of those slots.
Chico: So it looks like they're onto our brand of thinking, but we'll see what the end result is... Meanwhile... Now it's time for brains!
Jason: (Jackets and mice at the ready).
Gordon: mmmmBrainage
Mike: Also, it appears that CNBC is doing Deal reruns once again.
Chico: Choppler's loaded. The jackets are hot and pressed... and Gordon's all warmed up for his line...
James: CNBC has nothing but Jim Cramer...anything with a pulse is good news for that network.
Gordon: Roll that Beautiful Brain Footage!


Doug:  (impersonating Mark Thompson) From the four corners of the globe...to your frontal love... this is WLTI Brainvision News... with the award winning Brainvision News team.

Mike: Frontal love. Meow.
Chico: ... woops again. I need to get back to sleep, so let's get right to it...
James: Coming up on WLTI After Dark...plenty of frontal love!
Mike: Flavor of Frontal Love. FLAVOR FLAV!
Chico: Klauss with a grill... scary =p
Mike: and a bunch of giant clocks around my neck.
Jason: "with the top row diamond and the bottom row's gold."
Gordon: And with that, we start with...

The Rose D'Or Nominations are up! We have included Distraction, Deal or No Deal, Ant & Dec's Gameshow Marathon and Zulu Bingo! The Reality shows feature The UK's Version of The Apprentice Vs...I'm a Celebrity, Get Me out of Here??!! Wha?

Don: That last one... Why?
Mike: I'm a Celebrity is real big in the UK.
Jason: Way Big.
Chico: Apparently it's got a cult following in the ... yeah, what Mike and J said.
Don: Ah.
Mike: Very big. Conversely, Survivor went over like a lead balloon over there.
Chico: If I had to pick winners, Deal and The Apprentice. :-)
Gordon: Not accounting for taste, apparently. Next article?

PLACE BETS NOW! In an attempt to become SpikeTV-lite, G4 is adding Banzai to their lineup come March.

Jason: Yup.
Gordon: Banzai!
James: Well, it's taken me a year to find that channel on my system, give me another few weeks I may be able to find it :-)
Chico: It'll be part of the Barbed Wire Biscuit block at night. Just look for Adam Sessler shouting his weird ass off.
Mike: Will it be the same dozen or so shows Comedy Central has aired?
James: G4 is now recycled Comedy Central and Spike TV shows so, yeah.
Chico: With the occasional video-game related programming peppered in.
Jason: I liked it better when it was ZDTV
Chico: It's what GSN could've been if Cronin didn't exercise some restraint :-)
Gordon: Very true. Sadness. Sigh. Next article...

Just because it's not top news doesn't mean that we haven't stopped covering it. The Wowowee investigation continues, as people try to get to the bottom of how the stampede that killed 81 and injured hundreds could have happened.

Jason: And from what I have have been reading, this is not the first time the network had a problem with crowds like this.
James: It seems to me that what happened at the game show taping was one of the sparks that has led to Philippine govt crisis #212.
Mike: From what I've read, it sounds like someone shouted "FIRE!" in a crowded theater. Someone said something and the whole crowd reacted.
Gordon: The something was 'There's a bomb!'
Jason: That would do it all right.
Chico: Yup. Which would be the most logical explanation... speaking of logic... extreme tech coming!
Jason: Tech Alert!
Chico: In this week's "Fully Loaded"... yes, there's a name change :-)

1) Brian Dunkleman has a podcast for American Idol out of Howard Stern's Sirius channel.

Jason: He's still alive?
Chico: That's what I said! :-)
James: He's also involved, I believe, in http://www.idolgohome.com
Mike: Yes, he is.
Chico: Indeed.

Second, this season at Paramount's Great America, you can be the first to ride "the world's first reality rollercoaster" Survivor: The Ride. Featuring all the customary rollercoaster attractions, we also have a competitive element, with losing "teams" being "sprayed with water" among other things.

James: Uh...
Jason: Sounds like fun.
Don: Interesting.
Mike: Wow. What's next--the Breaking Bonnaduce coaster?
Chico: Not as good as Apollo's Chariot, I bet, but hey...
Gordon: Don't you mean Apoll-ho's chariot? Who's up for some hos?
Jason: I am! Luda!
Gordon: This week, however, it's going to be a little different
Chico: Oh?
Gordon: In honor of the Academy Awards next Sunday, I'll be giving you the nominees and you tell me, who's the HO of the Week!
Jason: (in announcer voice) The nominees for the Feb.27th Ho of the week are:

From Survivor: Africa, Ethan Zohn, who's touring around the Middlesex Community College Campus... (applause) From Sha Na Na...Bowser, who's going after people who are imitating Sha Na Na (applause) From They Think It's All Over...Jonathan Ross, as it really is over and he calls it a career on that show (applause) From his own winetasting DVD, The Bachelor 3's Andrew Firestone, who wants to talk about winetasting. You can too, if you go to his website (golf clap) From American Idol, the now booted Becky O'Donohue, who has some nice Maxim pics showing her...assets. (applause, hoots, hollers) And FINALLY, from the Apprentii, Donald Trump and Martha Stewart, just for stretching a month long argument into a fort-year (applause)

Chico: The panel will need to corroborate for this one... *whisperwhisper*
James: Can I hear #3 again? :-)
Jason: (whisper) (smalltalksmalltalksmalltalk)
Gordon: *whispergottagobeckynudiepicswhisper*
Chico: *agreenudiepicksI'dhitthat*

(AIRHORN)

Gordon: Do we have a decision, panel?
Mike: <Richard Karn> Show me....MAXIM!
Chico: Number one answer!
Don: Sounds good to me.
James: Agreed
Jason: Yup. Becky wins.
Chico: Becky gets the Pimp Cup this week, and finally...
Gordon: YAY!

So You Think You Can Dance is back for a new season this summer, as we have new dancers, new locales for auditions, and a new host...

Chico: Since Lauren Sanchez is busy giving birth, we get Cat Deeley, fresh from... well, being the singular female version of Ant & Dec. Submitted for the panel's approval...
http://homepages.nildram.co.uk/~mymail/pictures/fhmsexiestwomen/cyberhawk_scans_003-cat_deeley_fhm2000.jpg
Jason: Thumbs up for me.
Gordon: Nice
Don: Whoa.
Mike: I'd say something but we'd have to do some heavy editing.
Chico: You can say it over the break. Meanwhile, any person who thinks they can dance can go to New York on March 2. That's THURSDAY. So Gordon...  I know you got skills, money...
Gordon: I like to make money by playing cards, not by shaking my money maker.
James: And the world thanks you.
Jason: Praise be.
Chico: Okay, shut'er down.
Jason: (feeds mice and grabs jackets)
Chico: Next up, more conflict resolution in Vs., but first, we go to the Doc's office. I do have the papaya hat. This is WLTI, where we take game show news, strip it down and give it a damn good oiling. Be right back.

(Brainvision News has been brought to you by The Crapprentice. If The Donald is stooping to alienating Martha Stewart to get people to watch, that may be the new nickname we may be giving the show.)

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