Episode 26.18 - Lessons Learned
May 30

Chico: Hi. Chico Alexander here along with Gordon Pepper. Congratulations on making it to the end of the season.
Gordon: With no rapture.
Jason: Yeah. I tried to fix the joke counter from last week's show. No luck. You blew it up.
Chico: Yeah, the Fry Daddy will do that.

(Deborah Harry comes out and hits Gordon on the head with a microphone. Deborah walks out of the studio)

Gordon: ......ow......
Jason: ROFL
Chico: .. That was random.
Gordon: For all you old farts like Jason Block, you know what that reference is. If not, look it up. We can't do all your thinking for you. Chico is going to do the intro while I get an Advil...ow...
Chico: Alrighty then. From somewhere in America... the season finale of WLTI.... is... ON!
Jason: WHOO HOO!
Chico: Once again, Gordon Pepper with the bodily injury.
Gordon: Advil does wonders. And we'll start with something that made my ears bleed - which was the American Idol Season FInale.



Chico: Yeah, in case you haven't heard yet, some lanky dude with an aw, shucks demeanor and a doodie-eating grin from Garner, North Carolina won this year's American Idol.
Gordon: If you liked country, hard rock, and badly lip synced tunes, you were in for a treat.
Chico: And Spiderman.
Gordon: Don't get me started on Spiderman. That was brutal. Unfortunately, for the rest of us, you flipped between that and repeats of Top Chef: Masters.
Jason: You mean Spiderman: Turn Off the TV?
Gordon: I was tempted. I think we understand now why Spiderman is going to go the way of the Titanic and Tamagotchis.
Jason: Yes.
Chico: I'm a fan of U2. I really am. I'm also a fan of Spidey. I really am..
Gordon: So please defend this.
Chico: I can't. The two together.... REALLY!?
Jason: The chocolate doesn't go with the peanut butter here, you know?
Chico: That's like saying... I like chocolate. I like tuna. I don't think they go well together, though.
Gordon: Chocolate and Tuna only go well together on a 2 million dollar multiple choice question.
Jason: Hi Dan Avila :)
Chico: For more lessons, we have a Big Board.

Chico: This one's called "What A Lanky Grocery Clerk from North Carolina Taught Us About American Idol"
Gordon: 1. Teenage Girls dig the country hick.
Chico: They think the farmer's tan is sexy.
Gordon: Hot Guy Without Guitar (TM) wins, and if you pay attention to the Drudge Report, wins by more than a 2-1 margin, which I have a feeling was probably most of the time. I have a feeling that Idol was sewn up a long time ago, and the last few weeks was to determining who was going to lose to Scotty McCreery in the finals.
Chico: 2. The younger and more male... the better. Scotty was the youngest guy in the lot, and couple that with an inbred talent and a consistent performance factor... This was a given from day 1.
Gordon: Let's take nothing away from Scotty. He has a great voice and he used it from Day 1.
Jason: We are not mocking Scotty at all.
Chico: Precisely.
Jason: This was the most amazing find in a long time.
Chico: Definitely, and not to take anything away from Lauren either. Both finalists are going to go on to lengthy country careers. That is if the country crowd can accept them. And hey.. they accepted Carrie Underwood.
Gordon: He's going to have a huge career. I actually though he sounded better in the finale than some of the 'professional' singers.
Jason: When I heard his voice on John Michael Montgomery's Letters from Home...it was an epiphany. They both hearken back to crooners of the past.
Chico: #3... As good as they were... they were also plainly predictable. I mean, yes, they're good... but did they really change their game up any?
Jason: No...they improved on what they had.
Gordon: Well we'll get to that later on. What else did you learn in a positive way?
Jason: 4. Country people VOTE. Big time.
Chico: Yep.
Jason: 5. Actually, the biggest positive change this season - Jimmy Iovine. With him in charge of mentoring, the talent definitely improved.
Chico: Well.... yes and no. He had control over the mentoring, but he needed to be judging as well. Because you don't really get a gauge on what's going on unless you're on the front lines. You have to be, as they say, "in the crap".
Gordon: So those are all the good things. HOWEVER...Big Bored please?

Gordon: The Subject: Things that need to be fixed.
Chico: I GOT #1 with a bullet. The judges need to check their favorites at the door. I mean, it was almost brutal the way they were pushing Lauren.
Jason: True...they were SO trying to make Lauren the winner.
Gordon: I don't mind the favorites as much as #1. Get a sense of the pulse of America. Yes, it would have been nice for a woman to win in the past 4 seasons, but for the season as a whole, she was not the better singer, and one song is not going to change the vote at this stage of the game.
Chico: Yes, she had the best vocal of the night, but Idol is not a sprint. It's a marathon, and the audience is HIP TO THAT by now.
Gordon: What made SImon as good as he is is that he was spot on for the first 6 seasons of the show. Then he sort of blanked out on America and listened to himself, which caused him to be wrong for the last 3 seasons on predicting a winner. None of the judges had a clue as to what America was thinking. And by America, I mean...
Jason: America 13-29?
Gordon: 2. ...the teenage girls. If you have voting online allowed, who do you think is going to vote more?
Jason: Them. A lot. 122M in the finale to be precise
Chico: Until their fingers bleed.
Gordon: The adults watching? No. The 13-29 year old girlies who are chatting on Facebook and texting while you are sitting on the sofa? yes. This is a simple fix: limit the online voting. And while you're at it, limit the voting, period.
Jason: Do it like Dancing With The Stars?
Gordon: Yes.
Chico: I never heard any complaints from the DWTS crowd.
Gordon: 10 calls per household / line.
Chico: You can't just vote to shore up the numbers. It's not fair to the process.
Gordon: Cause in the current system, the winner is going to be who the girlies like. And 99.9% of the time, it will be hot guy with guitar (TM)
Jason: But in this case, HGWG(TM) was the best. Not usually though.
Chico: Also not true. The best of the season was the hot chick with the big.. ahem.... talent. The big VOICE, the big voice.
Jason: Ah yes, Pia.
Chico: Engineered for pop stardom. =p
Gordon: Hot chick got plastered by hot guy.
Chico: Good night everybody :-)
Jason: LOL
Gordon: #3. Give direction. America is, for the most part, a bunch of morons. Sorry. The judges need to say who is good and who isn't. If you say they are all good and don't differentiate that one person was amazing, don't be shocked when the person who was the best gets booted. You can't say it's an outrage if you don't point out that they need to be safe.
Chico: Again, this was the problem all season. they were so afraid of saying something bad that they didn't. And they needed to. What started as a refreshing turn of pace got dull.
Jason: This is part of the "everybody gets a cookie" self-esteem movement.
Chico: Because some of the acts were hellacious. You need to say "Thia... Get off the ballads. They're not helping." No one was blunt.
Jason: NO ONE got that this year.
Chico: Sometimes, you need to be the bastard.
Jason: I wanted to hear Casey being told that. Or Haley.
Chico: Someone needed to be TOLD. That's what it comes down to. No one was TOLD.
Gordon: I severely missed SImon Cowell this year.
Chico: Me too.
Jason: I didn't miss HIM. I just wanted to hear criticism.
Chico: Someone needed to be the villain.
Jason: Randy could have been.
Gordon: You didn't even need a villain. You just needed someone to provide constructive criticism. Randy could have - and SHOULD have - been that person, but he wasn't. The problem is that everyone wanted to be liked and no one wanted to be harsh.
Chico: Newsflash panel.. You're not their friend. You're not even there to BE their friend. You're there to judge.
Jason: I will agree that the judging needs to be tougher.
Gordon: #4. Grow a backbone and throw some difficulty in there. Part of the fun was to watch the singers deal with different genres. I could have made tomato pie out of all the tomato can weeks.
Jason: Agreed.
Chico: I mean... We get it. You can do country. WHAT ELSE'VE YOU GOT? Sell yourself to ALL of America.
Gordon: Cause then it turns into a 'what genre watches American Idol the most', and if that happens, expect the country singers to win every year.
Jason: Why?
Gordon: Scotty McCreery is going to be a great country star. But I'm not sure he's going to cross over into pop.
Jason: So what? Is he supposed to?
Gordon: If I'm an Idol producer, yes he is.
Jason: He was THE BEST singer this year.
Gordon: He was, but that's not the point. If I'm spending millions of dollars, I need to find the next 'SUPERSTAR', the person who will sell as much product as possible. I can't do that if my winner doesn't diversify into other genres besides the one that he's safe in. The point is to create a multi-million dollar superstar. You're not going to get that if you're only in 1 genre.
Chico: For the last three years, you've had issues with moving product. This doesn't help.
Jason: You won't have that problem this year.
Gordon: You sure? Chico is exactly right here. The product didn't move because the singers stayed in their genre. I have a feeling that Scotty isn't going to do as well as you think he is outside country.
Jason: The product didn't move, because the talent sucked.
Gordon: And it sucked because it didn't expand out of niche rock.
Chico: This isn't about the show anymore. It's about Scotty and what he's willing to do to embrace all of the big music out there
Gordon: We'll soo how our prognostications work in the future. Any other comments?
Chico: I will point this out... Nobody wanted anything to do with Scotty in the Hollywood round... and now he's the American Idol...
Gordon: Go figure. Moving on to Dancing With the Stars, and the predictable ending.



Chico: Given the choice between football hero, underdog, and corporate shill, the viewers will go to football hero ALL THE TIME. And I think I know why.
Jason: Tell me :)
Chico: What is the fastest growing audience for the NFL?
Jason: Women?
Chico: Women. Who watches Dancing?
Jason: Hot Guy with Ball?
Gordon: No
Jason: No?
Gordon: No. The ladies and older guys do. And for this show, those are the ones who vote. It's also more of a name recognition, and Hines didn't say anything stupid about the NFL and the lockout, which I think would have doomed him if he did. He came off as very likable.
Chico: Well he is.
Jason: He has always has been,
Gordon: He could have turned into an Ochocinco, but he didn't.
Jason: As a matter of fact, he went to Korea to find his roots, which was a major story last year.
Chico: Hines Ward is very much the anti-Ocho.
Jason: He is one of the best ambassadors for the NFL
Chico: He's rooted to the ground, salt of the earth, a great work ethic, and that's pretty much what catapulted him. Also, Kym Johnson is a STELLAR teacher. This is what happens when the right student meets the right teacher.
Jason: That means you Hoff LOL.
Gordon: So Jason redeemed himself after picking the Hoffburger last year to win. Both him and me had 2 of the top 3. Chico had 1.
Chico: But it was the winner. Gotta give me that.
Gordon: Since we all had Hines in the top 3 and you picked Kendra Wilkinson to win...no.
Chico: Like it wasn't possible.
Gordon: It wasn't.
Chico: Could've been.
Gordon: That has around the same merit as saying the Carolina Panthers will go 16-0 and win the Super Bowl. Could it happen? Sure. Will it? no.
Chico: Spoilsport.
Gordon: That's Me :) Let's talk about more voices.



Chico: I hear voices.
Jason: So do I.
Chico: And I see battles.
Gordon: Since Chico is so despondent on Kendra, I'll let him steer this segment.
Chico: Let's see how well you do... or rather, how well our coaches did. Last week didn't go so well. First, Raquel Castro vs. Julia Eason for a spot on Christina's squad. The song - "Only Girl (In the World)" by Rihanna. I had Raquel... Seems the more seasoned of the two. The other coaches liked her and so did Christina. She's in, even though no one's going to remember her in a few weeks.
Gordon: ...who?
Chico: ... Gordon, there are 16 singers competing for the title of the Voice. You honestly expect me to remember ALL of them?
Gordon: Nope
Chico: Next for a spot on Blake's team... Dia Frampton vs. Serabee. One woman vs. one group. The song - "You Can't Hurry Love" by the Supremes. I remember seeing Dia more than Serabee... and I remember liking her more.
Jason: So who won?
Chico: Obviously Dia. She's through to the public vote.
Gordon: I remember you predicting Serabee to win :)
Chico: I honestly thought a group had a chance. I picked the wrong group.
Gordon: Silly Chico.
Chico: I won't make that mistake twice. I'll get to that later, though. Now... Rebecca Loebe or Devon Barley? Adam wanted both. Christina wanted Rebecca. Cee Lo wanted Devon. The song - "Creep" by Radiohead. If you're a female, would YOU want to sing Radiohead?
Gordon: It depends on the song, but usually not.
Chico: I can't think of a woman who'd like to sing "I'm a creep, I'm a liar."
Jason: LOL
Chico: So I'm going with Devon... and so is Adam.
Gordon: Devon it is.
Chico: Which leaves Cee-Lo's battle a relatively easy one to call. Kelsey Rey vs. Tori & Taylor Thompson. The song: "Unwritten." by Natasha Bedingfield. Remember when I said that a group would eventually win? I'm calling THIS one
Jason: LOL
Gordon: They have a legitimate shot. Keep in mind they do have a fan base already, thanks to American Juniors. And this could be a little 'Screw You' to the X Factor.
Chico: It's almost a given. After all, one has a fanbase, and Kelsey is like, as Gordon would say... "WHO?" So the winner... Tori & Taylor. Could be a dark horse, these two. That leaves four more battles for next week... Emily Valentine vs. Curtis Grimes, Cherie Oakley vs. Lily Elise, Xenia Martinez vs. Sara Oromchi, and the marquee matchup, Jeff Jenkins vs. Casey Desmond. We could very well have a screw-you to the X Factor... Yes, another one. =p
Gordon: I'll go Curtis / Cherie / Xenia / Casey
Chico: I'm going likewise... except I'll go with Jeff instead of Casey.
Jason: See Chico :)
Chico: DAMNIT! =p
Jason: :P
Gordon: Sorry guys. We liked you.
Jason: grrrrr LOL
Gordon: So expect Emily, Lily, Sara and Jeff to advance. Do NOT expect a 5 time Jeopardy champion to advance this week.
Jason: Nope.
Gordon: And a lot of it was Girl power.
Chico: Sorry. Too many spoilers out there, one of which locked it away on Friday. BOY did she. $8000 on a Daily Double in Double Jeopardy! isn't just a strategic move. You're sending a message. "Try and catch up."
Jason: (pounds fist into sand)
Gordon: She was aggressive - and that's what you want in a champion.
Chico: And that's what we get in Monica Iyer.
Gordon: It's way too early, but she could be a player to watch next week. She made mince meat out of the defending champion on Friday on a rare all girls episode.
Jason: Yes. She does.
Gordon: Give us the Final Jeopardy question that was academic this episode, please.
Chico: Okay. What do you know about US Cities... not named New York. El clue mas grande es como asi...

ALPHABETICALLY FIRST AMONG THE 150 MOST POPULOUS US CITIES, IT HAS BECOME THE "POLYMER CAPITAL OF THE WORLD".

Jason: What is Akron, Ohio?
Chico: Jason says Akron.
Chico: Gordon?
Gordon: What is Appalachian Trail, Utah? ...oh wait, I thought it read Polyamorous Capital of the World.
Chico: OH!
Jason: ROFL
Chico: "Dear baby. Welcome to the Appalachian Trail. Population... You."
Jason: LOL
Gordon: I'm sure we had a lot of babies made on that Appalachian Trail.
Chico: Gordon, clever as usual. Jason... correct... as usual. Monica wins $32K and change.. and she'll defend it Monday. Now we go from winners winning to winners losing.



Chico: Last week saw the end of The Biggest Loser: Couples 4. Needless to say, Rulon Gardner did not win. But Hannah Curlee & Olivia Ward did. Correct me if I'm wrong, but they're the first team to go the distance.
Gordon: You are correct. They are the first team to have both members make the finals.
Jason: Very nice.
Chico: And if you want to know who won the cash money... it was Olivia. Hannah came in second. Deni Hill won the $100K eliminated contestant prize.
Gordon: And now that hey lost all that weight, they can try out for dancing.
Jason: Yes they can
Gordon: So you think they can Dance? So far this season...no.
Chico: No winners yet?
Gordon: I didn't see any. Did you?
Chico: Sorry, dude. And I didn't see Adam Shankman either. He's got a directing job somewhere, but that's neither here nor there. The good news... It was just ONE episode.
Chico: And we still have three more cities to go. I'm betting we're going to find the winner in Brooklyn.
Jason: Of course :)
Gordon: It's possible, but we'll see. Meanwhile, Hans the pig has said that he's been teaching the hamsters some new dance moves.
Jason: Let's see it.
Chico: I wanna see.
Gordon: Cheeseball's doing the Hines Ward Police shuffle. Goodman is performing Kirstie Alley flop.
Chico: Heh.. Flop.
Gordon: And I Think Amanda is doing the Hoffberger. That's the one where you go face diving, looking for food.
Jason: OH WOW!
Chico: Whoa...
Gordon: Those are some cool moves. But for cooler news, Roll that Beautiful Brain Footage.

(Doug: Live, local, and latebreaking... From the four corners of the globe to your frontal lobe, this is WLTI Brainvision News, and now here's Gordon Pepper, Chico Alexander, and the award-winning Brainvision News Team)

Chico: Thanks Doug... and thanks for waking me up yesterday, I really needed it. Now as we all know, Monday is Memorial Day. The day we pay tribute to the men and women of our military that made the ultimate sacrifice. It's also the day that Kara DioGuardi makes the ultimate sacrifice. Isn't that right, G?
Gordon: well no...

We have to make the sacrifice for watching it. That would be Platinum Hit on Monday.

Jason: The reviews are not good out there.
Gordon: If you are debuting a show on a holiday - specifically, the night where people won't be home, that's not a good sign for the future of your show.
Chico: Yeah, you take the worst judge to judge season eight of American Idol and you give her the head judging position on a show... then you're doing it wrong.. And Jason is right. The reviews are not good. Of course, we'll review it next week, but we're not too hopeful.

We'll see for ourselves. For a show that is doing it right, we have America's Got Talent debuting the next night.

Gordon: Hopefully next week, you won't be reviewing Kara's show with this (Gives Chico a bat)
Chico: I think i will. This was probably the biggest shock of the week...

A little ways into shooting the auditions of "The X Factor" and Cheryl Cole becomes an ex.

Chico: Now there are a number of theories as to why this occurred, anything from "Cheryl didn't get on with Paula" to "she was homesick" to "I didn't understand what the France she was saying". But the official comment right now is.... NO COMMENT. That's never a good sign.
Jason: Nope.
Gordon: The key word here is 'Overmarket'. And I'm sort of concerned when we're paying more attention to the judges than the talent.
Chico: Agreed. All of a sudden the game becomes secondary. That's NEVER good.
Jason: See AI Season 9
Gordon: It's not good at all. You got any green lights?
Chico: Only the one that gives Nicole Scherzinger the move from host to judge. The bad news. "She's not Ryan Seacrest". The good news... now she doesn't have to be.

But if you're talking about TV shows, get ready for Extreme Chef.

Chico: It's Food Network's attempt to turn Top Chef to the extreme. Each show has three chefs and three challenges, such as swimming across a lake for ingredients or using a car engine for a stove. The winner of each show gets $10,000. Watch for it Thursday June 30.
Jason: Chopped meets Dinner Impossible
Chico: Basically. Can you literally cook an egg on a hot cement slab? EXTREME!!!
Gordon: Basically. What about being dumb and lasting on a show for less than the minimum time, setting a record in the process?
Chico: What did you do now?
Gordon: Not me, but oh, Chico...you're going to LOVE this! Love love love.
Chico: That means I'm going to hate it.
Jason: I have to hear THIS one.
Gordon: Now Chico and I always have conversations on how we are going to program the show.
Chico: This is true.
Gordon: And Chico challenged me to get The Bachelorette recap on the first segment of the show, since we all know how much he loves the franchise.
Chico: *raspberries*...Yeah, that's how much. *raspberries*
Gordon: SO, without further ado...

Are YOU Smarter than...The Bachelorette's Tim McCormack, who gets so drunk that he falls asleep during the cocktail reception and gets put in a car and eliminated before the first rose ceremony takes place?

Jason: Are you kidding me?
Gordon: Nope. We also have the standard Villain (Bentley), a guy who goes around in a mask (Jeff) and other loving personalities that Chico loves so much.
Chico: Someone tell Jeff Mr. Personality was cancelled a LONG TIME AGO.
Gordon: Oh by the way, Tim works for a Liquor Distributor.
Chico: NO. REALLY?
Jason: I am SHOCKED. Stunned, even.
Gordon: And there's your Bachelorette recap.
Chico: On that note, I'm going to go see "The Hangover 2" while passing out on Haterade.
Jason: (puts out cup)

Going back to The Biggest Loser, you know they had two new trainers - Brett Hoebel and Cara Castonuove - to see who gets the spot about to be vacated by Jillian Michaels? The answer: Neither of them. Based on the very lukewarm reaction from the audience on them, the producers decide to go with Anna Kournikova, while giving Brett and Cara their walking papers.

Jason: Q Factor - Meet pink slip :(
Chico: In other news, I'm going to be watching more of The Biggest Loser this coming season.
Jason: Riiiiiight :)
Gordon: I think that was the idea. It should be very interesting to see the new dynamic. I'm sure Anna is no Jillian Michaels in terms of being a dictator.
Chico: She could be.
Jason: Eastern European Exercise Dominatrix :P
Gordon: As for Brett and Cara - there's always Celebrity Work Out.
Chico: Maybe.
Gordon: Or they could just take a nice vacation somewhere
Chico: Well, we may not be going to Eastern Europe... or we might.

It's literally "The Biggest Game Show in the World". Based on France's "Intercities", contestants representing China, Russia, France, the UK, Armenia, Belarus, and the Ukraine are lined up for the 13-episode series in which players compete in physical and mental games for fun and profit. An Asian and a Latin American version is also on the table.

Jason: SO the Amazing Race meets The Worlds Biggest Quiz Show
Gordon: I would think it's more of an Ultra Quiz reboot.
Chico: ... by way of the Eurovision Song Contest.
Jason: Yeah
Chico: Why hasn't the US gotten in on this?
Jason: I don't know.
Gordon: Cause they are too busy creating Media Hoes
Chico: Of course. (plays "Pimpin' All Over the World")

In this weeks Media Ho Report, Simon Fuller gets a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame, Jeff Probst's old house is up for 900k, Chuck Woolery slings out burgers...WWE Divas go to The Price is Right, Jeff Stelling resigns Countdown for Sky Sports, Nigel Lythgoe and Lee DeWyze get into some miscommunication on the Idol finale...

Jason: Miscommunication? :)
Chico: He wasn't on stage for the finale. Neither was anyone from season 9. Go figure.

Watson goes to an EHealth Conference, NBC says it's Rulon Gardners choice to not show up for the finale, and Jeff Conaway passes.

Chico: Gentlemen...(removes hat)...

(silence)

Gordon: Thank you. But none of them are the Ho of the week.
Jason: Who is?
Gordon: It's Lauran Alaina. She comes in 2nd on Idol, talks possible relationship (or not) with Winner Scotty McCreery, then goes on Jay Leno to tell Piers Morgan that her producers wouldn't let her get to the judges round twice on Americas Got Talent on a very funny clip.
Jason: OOPS LOL
Chico: Yeah, great job, producers.
Gordon: And those...are your hoes.
Chico: And finally, let's get loaded.

Wipeout is coming to Xbox. "Wipeout in the Zone" is a Kinect game that gives you all the feel of the hit ABC game show... without any of the muddy aftertaste.

Jason: Thats cool :)
Chico: Yep. Hey Jason! You have an Xbox?
Jason: I don't have a Kinect
Chico: Ah. You suck. =p
Gordon: And that's Brainvision. Shut it down.
Jason: Shutting down :)
Gordon: While Jason is looking for a Kinect, we'll be bringing over the Supertoilet. But what's first?
Chico: First up... news bytes. Then we byte back.
Jason: Do we ever.
Chico: You're reading WLTI. You give us 22 minutes, we'll give you 22 pop'n'lockers who should've never popped the door unlocked.

(Brainvision is presented by Hammered. Four partygoers.... Three exotic drinks... One winner. The others get hammered. Tim McCormack hosts.)

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