Episode 26.18 - Lessons Learned
Chico Alexander here along with Gordon Pepper. Congratulations on making it to
the end of the season.
Gordon: With no rapture.
Jason: Yeah. I tried to fix the joke counter from last week's show. No luck. You
blew it up.
Chico: Yeah, the Fry Daddy will do that.
(Deborah Harry comes out and hits Gordon on the head with a microphone. Deborah
walks out of the studio)
Chico: .. That was random.
Gordon: For all you old farts like Jason Block, you know what that reference is.
If not, look it up. We can't do all your thinking for you. Chico is going to do
the intro while I get an Advil...ow...
Chico: Alrighty then. From somewhere in America... the season finale of WLTI....
Jason: WHOO HOO!
Chico: Once again, Gordon Pepper with the bodily injury.
Gordon: Advil does wonders. And we'll start with something that made my ears
bleed - which was the American Idol Season FInale.
Chico: Yeah, in case you haven't heard yet, some lanky dude with an aw, shucks
demeanor and a doodie-eating grin from Garner, North Carolina won this year's
Gordon: If you liked country, hard rock, and badly lip synced tunes, you were in
for a treat.
Chico: And Spiderman.
Gordon: Don't get me started on Spiderman. That was brutal. Unfortunately, for
the rest of us, you flipped between that and repeats of Top Chef: Masters.
Jason: You mean Spiderman: Turn Off the TV?
Gordon: I was tempted. I think we understand now why Spiderman is going to go
the way of the Titanic and Tamagotchis.
Chico: I'm a fan of U2. I really am. I'm also a fan of Spidey. I really am..
Gordon: So please defend this.
Chico: I can't. The two together.... REALLY!?
Jason: The chocolate doesn't go with the peanut butter here, you know?
Chico: That's like saying... I like chocolate. I like tuna. I don't think they
go well together, though.
Gordon: Chocolate and Tuna only go well together on a 2 million dollar multiple
Jason: Hi Dan Avila :)
Chico: For more lessons, we have a Big Board.
What a Lanky Grocery Clerk
from North Carolina Taught Us About American Idol
- Teenage Girls Dig the Hick
- Younger + Male = GOOD
- Country Folk Vote
- Talent Improves under Jimmy
one's called "What A Lanky Grocery Clerk from North Carolina Taught Us About
Gordon: 1. Teenage Girls dig the country hick.
Chico: They think the farmer's tan is sexy.
Gordon: Hot Guy Without Guitar (TM) wins, and if you pay attention to the Drudge
Report, wins by more than a 2-1 margin, which I have a feeling was probably most
of the time. I have a feeling that Idol was sewn up a long time ago, and the
last few weeks was to determining who was going to lose to Scotty McCreery in
Chico: 2. The younger and more male... the better. Scotty was the youngest guy
in the lot, and couple that with an inbred talent and a consistent performance
factor... This was a given from day 1.
Gordon: Let's take nothing away from Scotty. He has a great voice and he used it
from Day 1.
Jason: We are not mocking Scotty at all.
Jason: This was the most amazing find in a long time.
Chico: Definitely, and not to take anything away from Lauren either. Both
finalists are going to go on to lengthy country careers. That is if the country
crowd can accept them. And hey.. they accepted Carrie Underwood.
Gordon: He's going to have a huge career. I actually though he sounded better in
the finale than some of the 'professional' singers.
Jason: When I heard his voice on John Michael Montgomery's Letters from
Home...it was an epiphany. They both hearken back to crooners of the past.
Chico: #3... As good as they were... they were also plainly predictable. I mean,
yes, they're good... but did they really change their game up any?
Jason: No...they improved on what they had.
Gordon: Well we'll get to that later on. What else did you learn in a positive
Jason: 4. Country people VOTE. Big time.
Jason: 5. Actually, the biggest positive change this season - Jimmy Iovine. With
him in charge of mentoring, the talent definitely improved.
Chico: Well.... yes and no. He had control over the mentoring, but he needed to
be judging as well. Because you don't really get a gauge on what's going on
unless you're on the front lines. You have to be, as they say, "in the crap".
Gordon: So those are all the good things. HOWEVER...Big Bored please?
What That Same Grocery Clerk Showed Us That Needed Fixing
- Judges Need to Judge
- The Votes Need to Be Controlled
- Someone Needs to Be the Bad Guy
- Would a Little Challenge Kill You?
Subject: Things that need to be fixed.
Chico: I GOT #1 with a bullet. The judges need to check their favorites at the
door. I mean, it was almost brutal the way they were pushing Lauren.
Jason: True...they were SO trying to make Lauren the winner.
Gordon: I don't mind the favorites as much as #1. Get a sense of the pulse of
America. Yes, it would have been nice for a woman to win in the past 4 seasons,
but for the season as a whole, she was not the better singer, and one song is
not going to change the vote at this stage of the game.
Chico: Yes, she had the best vocal of the night, but Idol is not a sprint. It's
a marathon, and the audience is HIP TO THAT by now.
Gordon: What made SImon as good as he is is that he was spot on for the first 6
seasons of the show. Then he sort of blanked out on America and listened to
himself, which caused him to be wrong for the last 3 seasons on predicting a
winner. None of the judges had a clue as to what America was thinking. And by
America, I mean...
Jason: America 13-29?
Gordon: 2. ...the teenage girls. If you have voting online allowed, who do you
think is going to vote more?
Jason: Them. A lot. 122M in the finale to be precise
Chico: Until their fingers bleed.
Gordon: The adults watching? No. The 13-29 year old girlies who are chatting on
Facebook and texting while you are sitting on the sofa? yes. This is a simple
fix: limit the online voting. And while you're at it, limit the voting, period.
Jason: Do it like Dancing With The Stars?
Chico: I never heard any complaints from the DWTS crowd.
Gordon: 10 calls per household / line.
Chico: You can't just vote to shore up the numbers. It's not fair to the
Gordon: Cause in the current system, the winner is going to be who the girlies
like. And 99.9% of the time, it will be hot guy with guitar (TM)
Jason: But in this case, HGWG(TM) was the best. Not usually though.
Chico: Also not true. The best of the season was the hot chick with the big..
ahem.... talent. The big VOICE, the big voice.
Jason: Ah yes, Pia.
Chico: Engineered for pop stardom. =p
Gordon: Hot chick got plastered by hot guy.
Chico: Good night everybody :-)
Gordon: #3. Give direction. America is, for the most part, a bunch of morons.
Sorry. The judges need to say who is good and who isn't. If you say they are all
good and don't differentiate that one person was amazing, don't be shocked when
the person who was the best gets booted. You can't say it's an outrage if you
don't point out that they need to be safe.
Chico: Again, this was the problem all season. they were so afraid of saying
something bad that they didn't. And they needed to. What started as a refreshing
turn of pace got dull.
Jason: This is part of the "everybody gets a cookie" self-esteem movement.
Chico: Because some of the acts were hellacious. You need to say "Thia... Get
off the ballads. They're not helping." No one was blunt.
Jason: NO ONE got that this year.
Chico: Sometimes, you need to be the bastard.
Jason: I wanted to hear Casey being told that. Or Haley.
Chico: Someone needed to be TOLD. That's what it comes down to. No one was TOLD.
Gordon: I severely missed SImon Cowell this year.
Chico: Me too.
Jason: I didn't miss HIM. I just wanted to hear criticism.
Chico: Someone needed to be the villain.
Jason: Randy could have been.
Gordon: You didn't even need a villain. You just needed someone to provide
constructive criticism. Randy could have - and SHOULD have - been that person,
but he wasn't. The problem is that everyone wanted to be liked and no one wanted
to be harsh.
Chico: Newsflash panel.. You're not their friend. You're not even there to BE
their friend. You're there to judge.
Jason: I will agree that the judging needs to be tougher.
Gordon: #4. Grow a backbone and throw some difficulty in there. Part of the fun
was to watch the singers deal with different genres. I could have made tomato
pie out of all the tomato can weeks.
Chico: I mean... We get it. You can do country. WHAT ELSE'VE YOU GOT? Sell
yourself to ALL of America.
Gordon: Cause then it turns into a 'what genre watches American Idol the most',
and if that happens, expect the country singers to win every year.
Gordon: Scotty McCreery is going to be a great country star. But I'm not sure
he's going to cross over into pop.
Jason: So what? Is he supposed to?
Gordon: If I'm an Idol producer, yes he is.
Jason: He was THE BEST singer this year.
Gordon: He was, but that's not the point. If I'm spending millions of dollars, I
need to find the next 'SUPERSTAR', the person who will sell as much product as
possible. I can't do that if my winner doesn't diversify into other genres
besides the one that he's safe in. The point is to create a multi-million dollar
superstar. You're not going to get that if you're only in 1 genre.
Chico: For the last three years, you've had issues with moving product. This
Jason: You won't have that problem this year.
Gordon: You sure? Chico is exactly right here. The product didn't move because
the singers stayed in their genre. I have a feeling that Scotty isn't going to
do as well as you think he is outside country.
Jason: The product didn't move, because the talent sucked.
Gordon: And it sucked because it didn't expand out of niche rock.
Chico: This isn't about the show anymore. It's about Scotty and what he's
willing to do to embrace all of the big music out there
Gordon: We'll soo how our prognostications work in the future. Any other
Chico: I will point this out... Nobody wanted anything to do with Scotty in the
Hollywood round... and now he's the American Idol...
Gordon: Go figure. Moving on to Dancing With the Stars, and the predictable
Chico: Given the choice between football hero, underdog, and corporate shill,
the viewers will go to football hero ALL THE TIME. And I think I know why.
Jason: Tell me :)
Chico: What is the fastest growing audience for the NFL?
Chico: Women. Who watches Dancing?
Jason: Hot Guy with Ball?
Gordon: No. The ladies and older guys do. And for this show, those are the ones
who vote. It's also more of a name recognition, and Hines didn't say anything
stupid about the NFL and the lockout, which I think would have doomed him if he
did. He came off as very likable.
Chico: Well he is.
Jason: He has always has been,
Gordon: He could have turned into an Ochocinco, but he didn't.
Jason: As a matter of fact, he went to Korea to find his roots, which was a
major story last year.
Chico: Hines Ward is very much the anti-Ocho.
Jason: He is one of the best ambassadors for the NFL
Chico: He's rooted to the ground, salt of the earth, a great work ethic, and
that's pretty much what catapulted him. Also, Kym Johnson is a STELLAR teacher.
This is what happens when the right student meets the right teacher.
Jason: That means you Hoff LOL.
Gordon: So Jason redeemed himself after picking the Hoffburger last year to win.
Both him and me had 2 of the top 3. Chico had 1.
Chico: But it was the winner. Gotta give me that.
Gordon: Since we all had Hines in the top 3 and you picked Kendra Wilkinson to
Chico: Like it wasn't possible.
Gordon: It wasn't.
Chico: Could've been.
Gordon: That has around the same merit as saying the Carolina Panthers will go
16-0 and win the Super Bowl. Could it happen? Sure. Will it? no.
Gordon: That's Me :) Let's talk about more voices.
Chico: I hear voices.
Jason: So do I.
Chico: And I see battles.
Gordon: Since Chico is so despondent on Kendra, I'll let him steer this segment.
Chico: Let's see how well you do... or rather, how well our coaches did. Last
week didn't go so well. First, Raquel Castro vs. Julia Eason for a spot on
Christina's squad. The song - "Only Girl (In the World)" by Rihanna. I had
Raquel... Seems the more seasoned of the two. The other coaches liked her and so
did Christina. She's in, even though no one's going to remember her in a few
Chico: ... Gordon, there are 16 singers competing for the title of the Voice.
You honestly expect me to remember ALL of them?
Chico: Next for a spot on Blake's team... Dia Frampton vs. Serabee. One woman
vs. one group. The song - "You Can't Hurry Love" by the Supremes. I remember
seeing Dia more than Serabee... and I remember liking her more.
Jason: So who won?
Chico: Obviously Dia. She's through to the public vote.
Gordon: I remember you predicting Serabee to win :)
Chico: I honestly thought a group had a chance. I picked the wrong group.
Gordon: Silly Chico.
Chico: I won't make that mistake twice. I'll get to that later, though. Now...
Rebecca Loebe or Devon Barley? Adam wanted both. Christina wanted Rebecca. Cee
Lo wanted Devon. The song - "Creep" by Radiohead. If you're a female, would YOU
want to sing Radiohead?
Gordon: It depends on the song, but usually not.
Chico: I can't think of a woman who'd like to sing "I'm a creep, I'm a liar."
Chico: So I'm going with Devon... and so is Adam.
Gordon: Devon it is.
Chico: Which leaves Cee-Lo's battle a relatively easy one to call. Kelsey Rey
vs. Tori & Taylor Thompson. The song: "Unwritten." by Natasha Bedingfield.
Remember when I said that a group would eventually win? I'm calling THIS one
Gordon: They have a legitimate shot. Keep in mind they do have a fan base
already, thanks to American Juniors. And this could be a little 'Screw You' to
the X Factor.
Chico: It's almost a given. After all, one has a fanbase, and Kelsey is like, as
Gordon would say... "WHO?" So the winner... Tori & Taylor. Could be a dark
horse, these two. That leaves four more battles for next week... Emily Valentine
vs. Curtis Grimes, Cherie Oakley vs. Lily Elise, Xenia Martinez vs. Sara Oromchi,
and the marquee matchup, Jeff Jenkins vs. Casey Desmond. We could very well have
a screw-you to the X Factor... Yes, another one. =p
Gordon: I'll go Curtis / Cherie / Xenia / Casey
Chico: I'm going likewise... except I'll go with Jeff instead of Casey.
Jason: See Chico :)
Chico: DAMNIT! =p
Gordon: Sorry guys. We liked you.
Jason: grrrrr LOL
Gordon: So expect Emily, Lily, Sara and Jeff to advance. Do NOT expect a 5 time
Jeopardy champion to advance this week.
Gordon: And a lot of it was Girl power.
Chico: Sorry. Too many spoilers out there, one of which locked it away on
Friday. BOY did she. $8000 on a Daily Double in Double Jeopardy! isn't just a
strategic move. You're sending a message. "Try and catch up."
Jason: (pounds fist into sand)
Gordon: She was aggressive - and that's what you want in a champion.
Chico: And that's what we get in Monica Iyer.
Gordon: It's way too early, but she could be a player to watch next week. She
made mince meat out of the defending champion on Friday on a rare all girls
Jason: Yes. She does.
Gordon: Give us the Final Jeopardy question that was academic this episode,
Chico: Okay. What do you know about US Cities... not named New York. El clue mas
grande es como asi...
ALPHABETICALLY FIRST AMONG THE 150 MOST POPULOUS US CITIES, IT HAS BECOME THE
"POLYMER CAPITAL OF THE WORLD".
Jason: What is Akron, Ohio?
Chico: Jason says Akron.
Gordon: What is Appalachian Trail, Utah? ...oh wait, I thought it read
Polyamorous Capital of the World.
Chico: "Dear baby. Welcome to the Appalachian Trail. Population... You."
Gordon: I'm sure we had a lot of babies made on that Appalachian Trail.
Chico: Gordon, clever as usual. Jason... correct... as usual. Monica wins $32K
and change.. and she'll defend it Monday. Now we go from winners winning to
Chico: Last week saw the end of The Biggest Loser: Couples 4. Needless to say,
Rulon Gardner did not win. But Hannah Curlee & Olivia Ward did. Correct me if
I'm wrong, but they're the first team to go the distance.
Gordon: You are correct. They are the first team to have both members make the
Jason: Very nice.
Chico: And if you want to know who won the cash money... it was Olivia. Hannah
came in second. Deni Hill won the $100K eliminated contestant prize.
Gordon: And now that hey lost all that weight, they can try out for dancing.
Jason: Yes they can
Gordon: So you think they can Dance? So far this season...no.
Chico: No winners yet?
Gordon: I didn't see any. Did you?
Chico: Sorry, dude. And I didn't see Adam Shankman either. He's got a directing
job somewhere, but that's neither here nor there. The good news... It was just
Chico: And we still have three more cities to go. I'm betting we're going to
find the winner in Brooklyn.
Jason: Of course :)
Gordon: It's possible, but we'll see. Meanwhile, Hans the pig has said that he's
been teaching the hamsters some new dance moves.
Jason: Let's see it.
Chico: I wanna see.
Gordon: Cheeseball's doing the Hines Ward Police shuffle. Goodman is performing
Kirstie Alley flop.
Chico: Heh.. Flop.
Gordon: And I Think Amanda is doing the Hoffberger. That's the one where you go
face diving, looking for food.
Jason: OH WOW!
Gordon: Those are some cool moves. But for cooler news, Roll that Beautiful
Live, local, and latebreaking... From the four corners of the globe to your
frontal lobe, this is WLTI Brainvision News, and now here's Gordon Pepper, Chico
Alexander, and the award-winning Brainvision News Team)
Chico: Thanks Doug... and thanks for waking me up yesterday, I really needed it.
Now as we all know, Monday is Memorial Day. The day we pay tribute to the men
and women of our military that made the ultimate sacrifice. It's also the day
that Kara DioGuardi makes the ultimate sacrifice. Isn't that right, G?
Gordon: well no...
have to make the sacrifice for watching it. That would be Platinum Hit on
Jason: The reviews are not good out there.
Gordon: If you are debuting a show on a holiday - specifically, the night where
people won't be home, that's not a good sign for the future of your show.
Chico: Yeah, you take the worst judge to judge season eight of American Idol and
you give her the head judging position on a show... then you're doing it wrong..
And Jason is right. The reviews are not good. Of course, we'll review it next
week, but we're not too hopeful.
We'll see for ourselves. For a show that is doing it right, we have America's
Got Talent debuting the next night.
Gordon: Hopefully next week, you won't be reviewing Kara's show with this (Gives
Chico a bat)
Chico: I think i will. This was probably the biggest shock of the week...
little ways into shooting the auditions of "The X Factor" and Cheryl Cole
becomes an ex.
Chico: Now there are a number of theories as to why this occurred, anything from
"Cheryl didn't get on with Paula" to "she was homesick" to "I didn't understand
what the France she was saying". But the official comment right now is.... NO
COMMENT. That's never a good sign.
Gordon: The key word here is 'Overmarket'. And I'm sort of concerned when we're
paying more attention to the judges than the talent.
Chico: Agreed. All of a sudden the game becomes secondary. That's NEVER good.
Jason: See AI Season 9
Gordon: It's not good at all. You got any green lights?
Chico: Only the one that gives Nicole Scherzinger the move from host to judge.
The bad news. "She's not Ryan Seacrest". The good news... now she doesn't have
if you're talking about TV shows, get ready for Extreme Chef.
Chico: It's Food Network's attempt to turn Top Chef to the extreme. Each show
has three chefs and three challenges, such as swimming across a lake for
ingredients or using a car engine for a stove. The winner of each show gets
$10,000. Watch for it Thursday June 30.
Jason: Chopped meets Dinner Impossible
Chico: Basically. Can you literally cook an egg on a hot cement slab? EXTREME!!!
Gordon: Basically. What about being dumb and lasting on a show for less than the
minimum time, setting a record in the process?
Chico: What did you do now?
Gordon: Not me, but oh, Chico...you're going to LOVE this! Love love love.
Chico: That means I'm going to hate it.
Jason: I have to hear THIS one.
Gordon: Now Chico and I always have conversations on how we are going to program
Chico: This is true.
Gordon: And Chico challenged me to get The Bachelorette recap on the first
segment of the show, since we all know how much he loves the franchise.
Chico: *raspberries*...Yeah, that's how much. *raspberries*
Gordon: SO, without further ado...
YOU Smarter than...The Bachelorette's Tim McCormack, who gets so drunk that he
falls asleep during the cocktail reception and gets put in a car and eliminated
before the first rose ceremony takes place?
Jason: Are you kidding me?
Gordon: Nope. We also have the standard Villain (Bentley), a guy who goes around
in a mask (Jeff) and other loving personalities that Chico loves so much.
Chico: Someone tell Jeff Mr. Personality was cancelled a LONG TIME AGO.
Gordon: Oh by the way, Tim works for a Liquor Distributor.
Chico: NO. REALLY?
Jason: I am SHOCKED. Stunned, even.
Gordon: And there's your Bachelorette recap.
Chico: On that note, I'm going to go see "The Hangover 2" while passing out on
Jason: (puts out cup)
back to The Biggest Loser, you know they had two new trainers - Brett Hoebel and
Cara Castonuove - to see who gets the spot about to be vacated by Jillian
Michaels? The answer: Neither of them. Based on the very lukewarm reaction from
the audience on them, the producers decide to go with Anna Kournikova, while
giving Brett and Cara their walking papers.
Jason: Q Factor - Meet pink slip :(
Chico: In other news, I'm going to be watching more of The Biggest Loser this
Jason: Riiiiiight :)
Gordon: I think that was the idea. It should be very interesting to see the new
dynamic. I'm sure Anna is no Jillian Michaels in terms of being a dictator.
Chico: She could be.
Jason: Eastern European Exercise Dominatrix :P
Gordon: As for Brett and Cara - there's always Celebrity Work Out.
Gordon: Or they could just take a nice vacation somewhere
Chico: Well, we may not be going to Eastern Europe... or we might.
literally "The Biggest Game Show in the World". Based on France's "Intercities",
contestants representing China, Russia, France, the UK, Armenia, Belarus, and
the Ukraine are lined up for the 13-episode series in which players compete in
physical and mental games for fun and profit. An Asian and a Latin American
version is also on the table.
Jason: SO the Amazing Race meets The Worlds Biggest Quiz Show
Gordon: I would think it's more of an Ultra Quiz reboot.
Chico: ... by way of the Eurovision Song Contest.
Chico: Why hasn't the US gotten in on this?
Jason: I don't know.
Gordon: Cause they are too busy creating Media Hoes
Chico: Of course. (plays "Pimpin' All Over the World")
this weeks Media Ho Report, Simon Fuller gets a star on the Hollywood Walk of
Fame, Jeff Probst's old house is up for 900k, Chuck Woolery slings out
burgers...WWE Divas go to The Price is Right, Jeff Stelling resigns Countdown
for Sky Sports, Nigel Lythgoe and Lee DeWyze get into some miscommunication on
the Idol finale...
Jason: Miscommunication? :)
Chico: He wasn't on stage for the finale. Neither was anyone from season 9. Go
Watson goes to an EHealth Conference, NBC says it's Rulon Gardners choice to
not show up for the finale, and Jeff Conaway passes.
Chico: Gentlemen...(removes hat)...
Gordon: Thank you. But none of them are the Ho of the week.
Jason: Who is?
Gordon: It's Lauran Alaina. She comes in 2nd on Idol, talks possible
relationship (or not) with Winner Scotty McCreery, then goes on Jay Leno to tell
Piers Morgan that her producers wouldn't let her get to the judges round twice
on Americas Got Talent on a very funny clip.
Jason: OOPS LOL
Chico: Yeah, great job, producers.
Gordon: And those...are your hoes.
Chico: And finally, let's get loaded.
is coming to Xbox. "Wipeout in the Zone" is a Kinect game that gives you all the
feel of the hit ABC game show... without any of the muddy aftertaste.
Jason: Thats cool :)
Chico: Yep. Hey Jason! You have an Xbox?
Jason: I don't have a Kinect
Chico: Ah. You suck. =p
Gordon: And that's Brainvision. Shut it down.
Jason: Shutting down :)
Gordon: While Jason is looking for a Kinect, we'll be bringing over the
Supertoilet. But what's first?
Chico: First up... news bytes. Then we byte back.
Jason: Do we ever.
Chico: You're reading WLTI. You give us 22 minutes, we'll give you 22
pop'n'lockers who should've never popped the door unlocked.
(Brainvision is presented by Hammered. Four partygoers.... Three exotic
drinks... One winner. The others get hammered. Tim McCormack hosts.)
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