Episode 17.15
April 14

Gordon: This is Gordon Pepper, and....I smell kindling
Jason: (sniffs) What's burning?
Chico: The Bronx? Rome? Chestnuts roasting on an open fire?
Gordon: (Sees brackets with 'North Carolina' piled up in a bonfire) Chico, you wouldn't happen t ohave anything to do with this, do you?
Chico: I admit nothing.
Jason: (counts money) I had Memphis. Finished 2nd...won $40.
Chico: Now before we go any more south of normal around here... *extinguishes fire*... from somewhere in America... WLTI ... is... ON
Jason: Yay!
Gordon: Gordon Pepper and Chico Alexander here. The one wearing the Leonid the Magnificent shirt is Jason Block.
Jason: It was on sale1
Chico: We begin the big show this week with a big show that was anything but. Who here saw "Secret Talents of the Stars"?
Jason: I didn't. I was...uh...rearranging my sock drawer.
Chico: Yeah... I was... umm... sleeping in front of it. It was watching me.
Gordon: Unfortunately, I stayed up to watch it. And for those who stayed up with me...I'm sorry. So very very sorry.
Jason: Don't be. It's gone already. Mercifully yanked.
Chico: And may I be the first to say... Thank god. There are just some things that should never have made it out of the "office", so to speak.
Gordon: But for those who were fortunate enough to not see it, we had stars performing talents that are not part of their day job.
Jason: Such as?
Chico: Imagine Clint Black performing stand up. Imagine George Takei singing country music. Imagine... further proof that secret talents should remain secret. Like Sasha Cohen.. as a gymnast. That would be the figure skater, not to be confused with Sasha Baron Cohen.
Gordon: The first act wasn't great, but it wasn't cringe-inducing. Takei singing wanted me to paint myself red and be called a tomato.
Jason: Tomato. Tomatoe. Let's call the whole thing off.
Chico: I mean, how bad does a show have to be for John O'Hurley not to be able to save it?
Jason: Ric Flair (recently retired 59 yr old wrestler) was supposed to be a salsa dancer...now the world will never see it.
Chico: And you say that like it's a bad thing. I give you... the Big Board...

Chico: Subject: "Diagnosis: Reality Assisted Career Suicide."
Jason: Yes, Doctor Chico.
Chico: Let's take a look. This is basically, and Gordon and I were talking about this Friday... a textbook case on how NOT to create an interactive talent competition.
Jason: And what do you do wrong?
Chico: 1) A case of "You mean you couldn't get anyone BETTER?" I found it hard to cheer anyone on here.
Jason: C-List = no ratings.
Chico: Try more like W-List.
Gordon: Preparation H list?
Jason: Yup.
Chico: 2) A redux of Master of Champions, where you're voting for people based on vastly different pedigrees.
Gordon: 3) Put in something that people want to see. People dancing with beautiful professional dancers? Sure. People singing country or gymnasts? Not so much.
Chico: And at best mediocre singing at that
Jason: This seemed like strike programming big time.
Chico: Oh. It was. They had two episodes of Power of 10 left... and they chose to air this... What the hell.
Gordon: Now we're starting to see why the programmers that be wanted to end the strike. They had enough good programming - and now we're starting to see the dregs. They gotta burn off what the greenlit now that they have actual programming now.
Chico: Do we NEED to go into the grade? One...Two...Three.

	SECRET TALENTS OF THE STARS - CBS
	CHICO	GORDON	JASON	AVERAGE-O-MATIC
	F	F	F	F

Everyone: F!
Gordon: I would go Z, but we can only go F
Chico: If only we could.
Gordon:   Doesn't make you feel too good about the upcoming summer slate, does it?
Chico: Umm... no. I also wanted to give a less-than-stellar mark to this week on Idol. I mean, It's Idol Gives Back week... I expected... you know... GOOD.
Gordon: You didn't like the political candidates getting political, eh?
Jason: No, I wanted some good singing by the top 8.
Chico: No. I didn't want political candidates getting political.
Jason: We got...eh
Chico: Singers... for the most part phoning in whatever. Except for the man who would be king, David Archuleta.
Jason: Uh...no. Archuleta was ok. No one was good.
Chico: Apparently the kids can't get enough of it.
Gordon: He was decent. We didn't have any mind-blowing performances this week...and that usually leads to....
Gordon: THE CHAOS THEORY
Jason: (TM 2008)
Chico: Usually it comes a week LATER, though.
Gordon: It came a little early this year. Usually it starts in the Week of 7, but it did show up this year.
Jason: For those new readers, Gordon. Please explain the Chaos Theory.
Gordon: Lets go over the rules, shall we?
Chico: Sure thing.

Gordon:   The Subject: The Chaos Theory.  #1. If you sing well, you're safe
Jason: Right.
Gordon: So David Archuleta, who was the only one I would consider' Good', would be ok.
Jason: Right.
Chico: He also has an army of fangirls waiting on his every move. What happens when you sing poorly?
Gordon: #2. If people think you are in trouble, they will vote for you and you'll be safe. Being in trouble means...#2a. Singing poorly. See David Cook, and to a lesser extent, Carly Smithson. #2b. Being in the bottom three the week before. That means Brooke White. #3. If you don't sing well enough for people to vote for you, and you don't sing bad enough so people think you are in trouble, this is when the Chaos Theory occurs.
Chico: This is where this week's bottom three come in.
Gordon: And in this case, Michael Johns is the perfect victim. Add to it that you had 3 rockers (which will split the vote), and goodbye, Mr. Johns.
Jason: Not as much of a shock as you think.
Chico: Not really.
Gordon: Not when you look at it., no. And to be quite honest, most people did not have him winning it - or even being in the finals.
Chico: I mean, look at his target audience and Idol's target audience. Michael's more mature than the average Idol watcher.
Jason: Right.
Chico: Michael's for people, like us, who actually remember the 1980s.
Gordon: and who critique but dont vote
Jason: Right.
Chico: As for the other two... well, Carly just stunk up the jopint. I don't know what SHE was thinking. I thought she was going to come out of the TV and kill me.
Gordon: I think she was thinking that she had to get to that cabana pool party she wanted to go to. She looked like she was wearing a full piece bathing suit top
Chico: Freakish.
Jason: Scary.
Gordon: And then when she was done singing, she would take Chico, throw him into the pool and attempt to drown him.
Chico: And then she'd come back for the bearded one (i.e. Gordon)
Jason: And I would be calling 911
Chico: Okay, and then there's Syesha... geez, pretentious much?
Jason: No...she was emotionless.
Chico: I'll be willing to tack on emotionless.
Gordon: Syesha just has to recapture the emotion she had earlier in the competition and sing a nice song and nail it. She'll be safe this week though
Chico: She was like "I am the Soul-o-tron 200... 8." Yeah, but still, taking on a former Idoler... a CHAMPION... with HER coronation single.. on THAT stage. If it was anyone else, she'd be GONE.
Jason: Daring...and didn't pay off.
Chico: Daring... but stupid. I'm waiting to hear the REAL Syesha. Not some phony baloney R&B diva.
Jason: Say how you really feel
Gordon: Hopefully, we'll hear it next week. We won't be seeing Adam Carolla next week though...at least not dancing
Jason: Anybody surprised at that?
Chico: Nope. Julianne Hough will not three-peat, giving her plenty of time for that singing career of hers.
Chico: Good luck with that.
Gordon: Im surprised that the audience is voting more on talent this time around than fame, to be honest
Chico: I dunno. Why's Marissa still on, then? She's a little flat footed.
Gordon: Yes, but Adam was infinitely worse
Chico: Kinda makes you wish for last week. When, you know... he was good.
Jason: Sorry...can't use a time machine.
Gordon: Nope., Can't go back. Neither can our Jeopardy champion this week, who got deposed on Friday
Chico: Deborah Fitzgerald seemed like she was just trying to avoid losing this week. And you know what happens when you play not to lose. Eventually, you do. And in Deborah's case, she lost even before the final.
Chico: When she ended Friday's Double Jeopardy! with... nothing.
Jason: Oops.
Gordon: 0 Vs. $1,000 Vs. $18,000+. That would be a rout.
Chico: Oh yeah.
Jason: crushed like a bug.
Gordon: So who's our new champ?
Chico: Leslie Feder, a real estate advisor out of New York City. Can we get a little hometown love?
Jason: Yay!
Gordon: YAY!
Chico: Alright. Now let's love us up some millions before the end of the month.
Jason: Millions?
Chico: Final TPIR MDS for a couple of week.
Jason: I liked the Million Dollar Game this time.
Gordon: A few, while it goes on Hiatus, to return in crush some other wanna be show.
Jason: It will on Wednesdays.
Chico: Crushing Friday shows... on Wednesday. Because Drew can do that. Okay, this time, the MDG is... Safecrackers. It's played for a Chevy Impala, and a Wii package.  Wii would like to win a million.  Here's how to win it... If the player can crack ANOTHER safe with five dials for the price of the car, they win all the prizes and a million, but it's an all-or-nothing.
Jason: Which is cool. That's a challenge.
Chico: Go for it and miss... you lose. This is nice. That's how it should be done.
Gordon: I guess they learned their lesson from the Clock Game
Chico: Domus opts to take his Wii and go home... in his Impala.
Gordon: What were the numbers?
Chico: The numbers...

1, 2, 3, 5, 7

Chico: Start dialing.
Jason: I saw....so I pass.
Gordon: I'll say $23,175.
Chico: Correct. I'm guessing you also saw.
Gordon: No I didn't. Jason told me though :D
Jason: I did watch...and it was a smart play NOT to go for it. Besides...he got a Wii :) Do you know how hard it is to find them?
Gordon: Seriously, it was a good game, It gives you a fair shot at guessing, but it also easily could have been $17,000 Or $21,000
Chico: A Wii and an Impala... that, in my opinion, is a good day.
Gordon: Very good day. I probably would have quit, too.
Chico: And then probably would've kept the Wii to replace the one you sold.
Gordon: Speaking of good days, Jason and I had a nice one, as we went to the America's Got Talent Tapings.
Jason: Two actually. We saw two sessions of the New York Audition Rounds.
Chico: Time for a road trip story =p
Jason: It took place at the Hammerstein Ballroom in Midtown Manhattan.
Gordon: It's the home of the old ECW
Chico: Ah.
Jason: And still holds concerts to this day. But...getting back...All the judges were there...The Hoff, The Osbourne and Gordon's Idol...Piers Morgan.
Gordon: Who I shook hands with :D
Jason: Have you washed that hand that shook Piers's?
Gordon: Not at all. I was going to bronze it, but I figured I still wanted to use my hand.
Jason: But let's give some non-spoiler observations....shall we, G?
Gordon: Sure. We saw some very good acts, some ok acts that got through, and some really bad ones. And a physical fight between the judges :D
Chico: Rrowr
Jason: Yes, pure and senseless violence.
Chico: In other words, the best kind.
Jason: About what, you ask? We won't say.
Gordon: Great fun. And we were only a few rows behind them, so you may see us on TV
Gordon: To tell you why...would be cheating. But it's well worth watching.
Jason: Oh and BTW...the British Warmup Guy...Ian Royce...Funny as hell. A real find.
Jason: Not cheesy at all.
Chico: But early assessment of AGT3?
Gordon: But we're not here only to entertain. Professor Pepper is back to tell you what to do...and what NOT to do...when you audition both here and in Vegas. Big Board please?

Gordon: Subject: Entering Las Vegas. How to get to Las Vegas - and Beyond. #1. Always remember this - you are trying to get the vote of the audience. The audience, on more than one occasion, has swayed the judges in both acceptance and disapproval.
Jason: The audience (in the audition area) does have the power to sway the judges.
Gordon: Be humble, not arrogant. It's the likability factor that will determine if you get in. It was a definite factor in our shows.
Jason: We saw a few nasty contestants.
Gordon: None of the nasty contestants got in.  And at least 2 were borderline which could have gotten in if they were nice to the audience.
Gordon: #2. You have 90 seconds. Give it all you got, In the words of Ultra Nate.
Jason: We saw at least 10 contestants who said after the audition said, "I should have done..." Bad four words.
Gordon: Don't say,'I can do better if you give me another chance'
Jason: Worst words you can say.
Chico: That's just good life advice.
Gordon: Bad song selection or not showing the judges what you could have done is no excuse - and certainly not to the people who did bring it. And on a side note, you dont want to showcase 'Everything' you have and make it look like a mess. Do one part of an act and do it VERY well so the judges ask 'What else do you have?' When you hear that, you're in great shape to make it to the next round.
Chico: #3) Leave them wanting more.
Gordon: Exactly
Jason: There were a few acts that we said, "What are they going to do next?"
Gordon: #4. Get into the act immediately, You have 90 seconds, but it can drop drastically to 5 or 10 if you start slow and the judges buzz you - or worse, the audience boos you, which will lead to the judges buzzing you. Do something to suck the audience in to start
Chico: Return of Blue Velvet is probably not a good idea.
Gordon: No. At least 2 acts probably would have gone to Vegas if they didn't have such an awful start and got buzzed out.
Jason: Ok
Gordon: #5. Be different. You've seen the show before. You know who's won. Don't come in with a pale imitation of what 'they' did. Come in and do something different with a different spin. Those acts got through. The ones that we've seen before...didn't. Even if you are a ventriloquist, etc., do something with a different spin on it. A number of acts that went through were different...including a surprise or two. 
Jason: Ok
Gordon: #6. Do something different in Vegas. The judges have seen it before. More importantly, the audience has seen it before. Do something that shows your diversity. Of course, the singers have a natural advantage here, but if you can be creative about it, then you can have an edge.
Jason: Ok
Gordon:  Finally...#7. Listen to the judges. Some acts obviously did their homework when they showed up. One group in particular stood themselves out because they saw what happened on the other shows, and even Piers admitted he buzzed them wrongly because he was basing his thoughts on previous performances on the past genre.
Jason: All the judges were pretty spot on.
Gordon: Surprisingly, the best  and most accurate judge...was Piers.
Chico: WHA!?
Jason: We were as shocked as you were. He was...fantastic.
Gordon: He was spot on with his commentary. We only completely disagreed with the judges once.
Chico: Whoa
Jason: Yeah.
Gordon: And we saw at least 2 threats to win the whole thing
Jason: Yeah.
Chico: But again... can't say just yet
Jason: Nope. we go by the no-spoiler rule here.
Gordon: But the Hamsters are already getting into it. We have Chairman, Cuckoo, and Gordon Jr. as our hamster judges.
Chico: With judges like that, who needs acts?
Gordon: The first act is...Mike and Darnell the groundhogs recreating The Moment of Truth.  Cuckoo X's immediately.  Chairman hits the X and both Chairman and Cuckoo are scrambling to hit Gordon Jr.'s buzzer.
Jason: Hey! Play nice!
Chico: Quick!
Jason: Cue!
Chico: Go to news!
Gordon: Roll that Beautiful Brain Footage

(Doug: Live, local, and latebreaking... From the four corners of the globe to your frontal lobe, this is WLTI Brainvision News, and now here's Gordon Pepper, Chico Alexander, and the award-winning Brainvision News Team)

Chico: Thanks, Doug. First up, let's get my Dice-K special...But first.. They Greenlit THAT?!

Fresh on the heels of sister networks HGTV and Food Network, Great American Country, or GAC, is looking for the next Great American Country star.

Jason: I have GAC on my DirecTV System. I might check them out.
Gordon: That sounds...like it could work
Chico: Speaking of which, new seasons of Design Star and Next Food Network Star arrive in June as well.
Jason: NFNS=must see TV.  Do not miss this.
Chico: Meanwhile, as I whip out my Dice-K special...

In a major coup to the franchise, Project Runway is moving to Lifetime

Gordon:   Maybe
Jason: Not so Fast my friend.
Chico: .. unless NBC has something to do with it.
Jason: They may. They hit The Weinstein Company with a major legal boot to the head.
Chico: They filed suit in court Monday, insisting the company violated right of first refusal.
Jason: Which means...in layman's terms...they didn't give Bravo a chance to match the offer.  Allegedly.
Chico: Legal, does this case hold any water?
Jason: Legally...maybe. I am not an entertainment lawyer...but if and only if Bravo didn't get a chance to match the offer...it could be trouble.
Gordon: That's a heck of a lot of money riding on that show.
Jason: This is THE FLAGSHIP for Bravo.
Chico: The show from which all other shows were spawned. So as soon as we have the result of this case, you'll have it
Gordon: Meanwhile, I have a datebook
Jason: Is it full?
Gordon: No, but it does have a show on it. And staying in the same theme...

Can You Duet? just premiered. Go watch it on CMT. It's not awful.

Chico: It's hosted by Rossi "I guess this is the final nail in Temptation's coffin" Morreale.  But props to him for finding a suitable outlet for his hosting talent.. *giggles slyly*
Jason: Ok, ok, big boy. Stop the laughter lol
Gordon: He's better on this than Temptation...which really isn't saying much.
Chico: That's like saying Robin Williams doing Jolie-Pitt adoption jokes on Idol Gives Back is better tahn the entire package.
Jason: Right.
Chico: Next up, let's get loaded! Yuuuuuuuuuuuh! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
Gordon: Fart.

Imagine winning at a WPT table and getting a blinged out Tiffany bracelet for it.

Jason: I wish.

Iiiiiiiiit's TRUE!

Jason: Please explain.
Chico: The 96 champions on the WPT will receive these bracelets at an event at the Bellagio April 21. ObTech: footage to be posted at WorldPokerTour.com and WPTonGSN.com
Jason: Oh to be a fly on the wall there.
Chico: I've seen pictures, and let me say... that's one serious piece of hardware.
Gordon: I'll get there eventually. I'll just have to make do with $40  profit evenings on Full Tilt until I get there.
Chico: Couple more weeks like that and you're in. Next?
Jason: Yup.
Gordon: Next up - strategy gone brutally awry.
Jason: Uh oh...sounds like stupidity gone wild.

Are You Smarter Than...Eliza Orlins, who decides to go with Jason Siska's strategy to vote out Oxxy, and she will be safe with Jason's hidden immunity Idol. One problem - its not a real idol. It's the fake Idol that Ozzy created. Eliza realizes that the idol is fake, but it's too late to do anything about it as she is voted out.

Chico: Waa waaaaa
Jason: That is brilliance by Ozzy.
Chico: He's going to win this one. Just watch.
Gordon: Jason better start winning a lot of immunity challenges.
Jason: Yup.
Chico: So who gets hated on this week?
Gordon: We have a few, but they will be clumped in one shot...Anyone want to see Zombie Stripper?
Jason: Why?

The Game Show Zombie is here, and he's stripping shows from their time slots. Secret Talents of the Stars? Stripped and yanked. Girlicious? Stripped and moves to Wednesdays. The Contender? Stripped of a slot on ESPN.

Chico: Kill it with fire!
Jason: My torch isn't working?
Gordon: (Snuffs torch) The tribe has spoken, Jay.
Jason: Oh no. BTW...The contender should find a slot somewhere...it's a great show.
Gordon: It probably will
Chico: Well, good luck. HBO & Showtime aren't interested. How about, here's an idea here... Versus.
Gordon: Vs. or Fox Sports.
Chico: Or My Network TV. They'll put on anything.
Jason: That would work too.
Gordon: They put on live martial arts action.
Jason: Oh and BTW...the Contender boxer last night....got smoked by Miguel Cotto in the fifth round.
Gordon: Spanked like a sorority pledge girl.
Chico: Ew,
Jason: Alfonso Gomez was the unfortunate victim.
Chico: Okay, going global here with a trip to... anywhere but Australia.
Jason: Why? What do you have against them?
Gordon: (Scooby Doo)Ruh Rua Raggy (/Scooby Doo)

After two shows, Nine has dropped the axe on Power of 10

Gordon: So it's now the Power of 2.
Jason: Why?
Chico: Apparently when an Australian show gets less than a million viewers, it sets off a nerve
Gordon: What was the ratings?
Chico: 700,000 on show 1. 500,000 on show 2.
Gordon: Ouchie.
Jason: Wow.
Chico: That's... not good. So what's going on stateside, G?
Gordon:   How would you like to star in a horror movie game show?
Chico: Sounds cool

You want to be in one? It stars you! and Sam Raimi (Evil Dead, Darkman) will be behind it. Go here to realitywanted.com to apply

Chico: Okay, got one.

You've dated has beens...You've dated would bes.  Now's your chance to date a "never was".
http://www.realitywanted.com/call/2434-bravo-dating-show-untitled-now-casting

Chico: Bravo dating show now casting for... get this... Musicians and Asian men.
Jason: Oh boy.
Chico: This sounds vaguely familiar... like something that was looking for women ... and men who just happen to shop a lot. You feel me, dawgs?
Jason: Um...no. I don't feel you at all.
Gordon: If the show is going to be called 'The Search for the Next Metrosexual', I'm going to hurl.
Chico: And get this... it's a casting for the same show... only they're looking for "ethnic" men.

http://www.realitywanted.com/call/2447-casting-ethnic-men-for-bravo-show

Chico: And as the most ethnic of the panel today, I'll say... "Nah, I'm good."
Jason: Not for nothing...a little editorial content....here's the deal...how about the best contestant...ethnicity be damned?
Chico: Because it wouldn't be reality TV.. It'd be... reality.
Jason: Oh yeah, that.
Chico: They're in the television business.
Gordon: And then these are the same people who watch the ratings tank as they sacrifice good gameplay for diversity. The Law Firm, anyone?
Chico: Welcome to American Television.
Jason: Joy.
Chico: New casting couch theme.. "American Television" Old hoes theme... "Pimpin' All Over the World"
Gordon: Who wants some?
Chico: me!
Jason: I do!

In this week's Media Ho Report, both Mariah Carey and Jewel are slated to be showing up on American Idol soon, Surreal Life Fame Game Contestant Vanilla Ice is told to stay away from wifey...

Chico: Yeowch
Jason: Bad Van Winkle.
Chico: No Home Game.

Andy Baldwin's romance heats up with...Marla Maples? Charlton Heston will get a marathon care of GSN, as he passed away this week.

(silence)

Chico: ... Thanks... But who fray tell is the ho'a' tha week
Gordon: The Ho of the Week is...Julienne Hough, who dances - and will now get to sing the National Anthem at the Indianapolis 500.
Chico: With her friend Helio watching
Gordon: Her 'friend' Helio. I wonder if Julienne has worked on Helio's chasis or spun his wheels. Or played with the stick shif...
Chico: OKAAAAAAY, that'll do it for Brainvision. Jason, set'er down.
Gordon: And those...are your hoes.
Jason: Shutting Down
Gordon: We're done with Brainvision, but not with the show. We'll come back with evil things and evil judges.
Jason: oooohh...scary.
Chico: This is WLTI, and what are you doing reading us? Your taxes are due next week!
Gordon: Hopefully, we aren't too taxing.

(Brainvision has been brought to you by Kentucky Fried Tar Heels. There's nothing better when you're doing your taxes than chomping on some nice fresh Rameses Meat. Now available in Smoky Rock Chalk Flavor.)

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