Episode 17.11
March 17

Chico: This is Chico Alexander. The flu's subsiding, and allergy season is upon us, and that can only mean one thing...
Gordon: NBC will be doing a reality show on Who wants to be Elliot Spitzer's brand new ho?
Chico: ... No, but you're thinking.
Gordon: Because that's making me sick than my allergies :P
Chico: Makes all of us sick, really. And I haven't been in New York since January of 2001.
Gordon: It's not that bad here. Just because both New York and New Jersey's governor's have been involved in marital issues in the past decade means nothing about our family values here.
Chico: You know, I never thought of that. Time to clean out the stench of
February sweeps and look forward to end of glorious season. Does this mean we're doing the family values version of the WLTI today?
Gordon: Why yes. Yes we are. From somewhere in Elliot Spitzer's wing of Bill Clinton's library, The 'Family Values' Edition of WLTI...is...on!
Chico: Oh man. I've been waiting for the Family show... *plays "It's One Fine Day To Be Nude"*
Gordon: And speaking of nude, we start with the naked terror David Hernandez must have felt when his chances of winning American Idol were stripped from him.
Chico: I can think of two things that went wrong with that performance...
Gordon: The singing and the dancing?
Chico: Acceptable. I was thinking the song, and the person singing it.
Gordon: Ok. Both Chico and I called this one. There's no surprise and no conspiracy. This performance was the trademark first person booted performance. Bland, safe, forgettable. No reason to vote for him, and no reason for people to think he was in trouble to vote for him.
Chico: How appropriate that the song was "I Saw Her Standing There". Because the song... just stood there. So far as we know, it's still hanging above Television City.
Gordon: The song stood there, while he was walking around the stage. And here's the difference between that performance and his earlier ones: when he was walking around to 'Papa Was a Rolling Stone', he had a story to tell as he was walking. This song...no purpose to it.
Chico: It's just dancing to dance... singing to sing. Not really going anywhere... Not really wanting to.
Gordon: Now I'm going to ask a question that Jason Block would have asked if he was here - Is this a conspiracy?
Chico: I'm going to take a wild guess and say... no. The final three went in accordance with the prophecy. One safe performance, one bad performance, and one bland performance.
Gordon: I'm going to say no also, but Im going to bring something else up
Chico: Bring up your point.
Gordon: We get emails from you, the faithful. One of the emails has been if we thought that there was a difference between David Hernandez and Frenchie Davis in terms of how Idol treated their expulsions. People wanted to know if David should have been booted and why Idol kept him in and Frenchie out.
Chico: You know, we had this same conversation (or something like that) when we were comparing Frenchie Davis to Nikki McKibbin.
Gordon: Yes we did. I'd like to state something on that. There's one major difference which no one is talking about - and that's the format of the show. The one thing that the producer is looking at which we don't have access to - is the votes.
Chico: What're you getting at rabbit?
Gordon: Nigel Lythgoe knows exactly how many voters are getting votes. We all suspect as much when we see the order of the singers - and that the most popular singers usually get the last spot.
Chico: So it's less about personal integrity and more about who sells.
Gordon: Of course. And he would know who has a real shot - and who's just on borrowed time.
Chico: ... yeah. Kinda a roundabout way of saying what I just said. And David Hernandez was on borrowed time. Whereas Frenchie didn't even get a SHOT at borrowed time. Just some food for thought.
Gordon: So let's just say that David Hernandez was at or near the bottom when this came out. Nigel knows that he's not long for the show, especially when you think that some people will stop voting for him. So why boot him when he's going to get booted anyways?
Chico: Makes sense... in an almost dirty way.
Gordon: Now let's go back to Idol 2. Nigel sees the votes - and maybe he sees that she's got a TON of votes. Maybe more votes than Ruben or Clay. And unlike David, she may be a top contender to win. And we don't know what the combined vote of the Top 12 looks like yet, because there was no Top 24 in Idol 2 - it was just 'here's 8 singers. Vote two of them into the Top 12.
Chico: And because of this, she's booted?
Gordon: It was possible that decision was made before she has a chance for the press to speculate. I have a feeling that if she was on the border of being eliminated, she may have stayed on. One last question that we have gotten - does this show us that America is not ready for a gay American Idol?
Chico: I can't speak for America, but I will say two words... George Michael. Of course, me, I didn't know he was ... like that until the bathroom incident. So for me at least, it's all a matter of downplay, a matter of presentation. They may be ready for an American Idol who happens to be gay...But as for a gay American Idol... that's anyone's guess.
Gordon: I think there's no way that an openly gay Idol wins this...ever. Where do the votes come from, geographically?
Chico: The south, where five of the sis champs hail.
Gordon: Bible Belt?
Chico: Something like that, yeah.
Gordon: So whats the chances of the Bible Belt voting on a gay idol?
Chico: About the chances are that there Kristy Lee Cook's country version of '8 Days a Week' breaking into the hot 100. Which reminds me...The bottom three.. no surprises, is there? One BAD performance (Kristy Lee Cook), one meh performance (Syesha Mercado), and one stale performance (David Hernandez)
Gordon: No, but disappointed that Syesha has been singing up to her potential. Talent-wise, she should not be down there, but she's earned the spot.
Chico: Seems like the next time she decides to dial in a performance, she's going home. The rule is (and David Archuleta learned this the hard way)... everybody gets one.
Gordon: You cant string bad performances in a row.
Chico: Nope. You do that, and you go home. ON THE SECOND TRY.
Gordon: The good news for Mr. Archuleta is that Mr. Hernandez votes will probably go to him
Chico: Oh yeah. But will people vote to save the other two? Meaning, are we going to see a completely different bottom three NEXT week?
Gordon: I don't think Syesha will be back down there. I'm sure the Syesha fan club will come out in full force next week - but she better sing. If Chekizie takes a step back, he could have problems. I do think that Ramiele and a rocker could make their way there. That rocker... probably Amanda, but it wouldn't surprise me if Michael Johns showed up
Chico: Michael needs to start performing if he wanted to avoid the danger zone himself. We'll see this week.
Gordon: But I think Kristy Lee Cook is on borrowed time. Everyone knew she was in trouble and she was still in the Bottom 2.
Chico: Sorry, but she only can since ONE song well. And she sang it TWICE already.
Gordon: Did Lennon/McCartney pen Amazing Grace?
Chico: No.
Gordon: So we'll see if Kristy Lee can do anything to make the Top Ten Idol tour. We now mover from the Lennon/McCartney Songbook to the Edd Kalehoff songbook.
Chico: We heart Edd Kalehoff.
Gordon: And we heart The Price is Right. But did we get another Million Dollar winner?
Chico: First up... the Million Dollar Game... 1/2 Off. You'd like this. Here's the deal... If you find the $25,000... you can give that up for a one-in-15 shot at the million. One of the other boxes has a million.
Gordon: Which is usually better* than Deal or No Deal*, not counting a Million Dollar Mission*
Chico: We'll get that that later, though. Phillip finds the $25,000. No way is he giving that up for a million. The $25K was under #12, by the way. He had a 50/50 shot at the main pot. Now we go to the side action... One of the remaining boxes had the million. He WOULD'VE chosen #15... In it... nothing. Zero. Zip. Zilch. Nada. Kadingus...
Gordon: Squat?
Chico: Free air. The money was in #3. Meanwhile, the Showcase that won the night was the Best Restaurant in the World (No, not Quiznos).
Gordon: Grizzlebees?
Chico: Not them either, but they're pretty cool.
Gordon: Aww.
Chico: The showcase...PS3 package...massage chair.. fridge/freezer...six-burner gas range.... and a JAGUAR XK.
Gordon: Jaguar? Jaguar isn't an American car, is it?
Chico: Jaguar is British.
Gordon: When's the last time you've seen a foreign car offered on The Price is Right?
Chico: Umm... I think I was about 3.
Gordon: That has to be some sort of record.
Chico: Actually, it was before the Gulf War. I remember reading something about this in Stan's book. Your bid, Gordon.
Gordon: My bid is $91,069.
Chico: You and your O-69s, Gordon.
Gordon: I still think that winning one million for coming within $1,000 of a showcase sucks.
Chico: It was $91,988.
Gordon: YAY!....Where's my million?
Chico: It's on a postdated check... February 30, 200NEVER.
Gordon: You're no fun :P
Chico: But you get credibility. Speaking of credibility, we have one show gain some in its season premiere... and one LOSE some.
Chico: Gordon? Set me up a Versus Big Board.
Gordon: You got it

Chico: The Subject: Them Vs. You Vs. Me. We're comparing the season premieres of Top Chef Chicago (which Gordon will cover in depth since he's the only one that can watch it), and Beauty and the Geek. Top Chef Chicago... So far as I know, they stayed true to formula... only changing the scenery. Trading Miami for Chicago.
Gordon: They changed the scenery, but they are getting more creative with their challenges. The first Quickfire Challenge divided the chefs into 'good' and 'bad' chefs, and the Elimination Challenge had one chef from each group compete against each other as they struggled to stay in the competition
Chico: Kinda like Iron Chef. Which also features Ted Allen as a semi-reg. Fancy that. He's our KORN! Heh.
Gordon: Yes, but it was fun. How did they decide who would be eliminated in Beauty and the Geek?
Chico: 1. It became what Travis Eberle (aka Evil Travis) calls "yet another team-based reality series". Although they did have a quiz show Jeopardy-lite element to determine who got the shaft. In that, they're divided into two. Beauties... Geeks. They compete against each other
Gordon: So it's now Survivor: Geek
Chico: The first challenge... getting phone numbers. Guess who won that.
Gordon: Gee...the Beauties?
Chico: The Beauties...
Gordon: 2. So you have a challenge tilted in favor of a group, where as in Top Chef is every person for themselves.
Chico: John is your first geek out.
Gordon: 3. And I believe the Beauties selected the geeks who would compete to not be eliminated? Whereas you were in or out on Top Chef based on your own merits?
Chico: You are correct, sir.
Gordon: 4. So BATG eliminated what made them special, while Top Chef enhanced it.
Chico: And as a result... 5. Top Chef grew its audience... BATG shrank it. Coincidence? You tell me. I can only hope that somewhere along the way, we get a merge back into the standard format, because this new BATG is leaving a bad taste in my mouth.
Gordon: I agree. And 6. Top Chef scoring better numbers than BATG isn't helping it's cause.
Chico: I believe Beaity and the Geek had 1.8 million. And Top Chef had 2.2 million. Moral of the story... if it isn't broke.. don't fix it. Doesn't take a geek to figure out that something isn't  resonating. And doesn't take a beauty to figure out why. You don't improve on perfection. Not just an impossibility, it's just a good life lesson.
Gordon: True - and what about learning when to stop playing a game or you'll lose a leg?
Chico: I learned that in tech school Amazing what the threat of "sepsis" can do, but that's what Jonathan Penner was looking at after a Reward Challenge one round removed from having a nasty gouge to his knee sewn up.
Gordon: So although Jonathan wanted to keep playing the game, he had to be checked out physically. Chet, on the other hand, who also had to be taken out of the game due to an injury, checked out of the game mentally.
Chico: If you ask me, it's about damn time
Gordon: It's time, but ironically, he was in a position to make one of the biggest power plays in Survivor history. He could have been the deciding vote to eliminate Ozzy and give the Fans some life.
Chico: Seems like the fans are "just jazzed to be here", which is GSNN parlance for "not playing".
Gordon: Instead of sticking around to change the face of the game, which looked nothing Chet wanted people to vote him out so he could claim that he was leaving with integrity...which he really wasn't.
Chico: What's integrity, daddy?
Gordon: (Looks at Bill Clinton / Next Gingrich / Elliot Spitzer Spring Calendar)... no idea. But integrity could be defined as not changing the rules due to Sweeps. We're now at that point where we have...wait for it...ONE million dollar case on Deal or No Deal. Shocked?
Chico: Unbefreakinglievable! Finding and holding onto a million... still hard. We do get the line of the series here as the banker Johnnie Taylor's lucky weave..."The banker is evil, and he must be destroyed."
Gordon: Thank you, Johnnie Schwarzenegger. So what happened?
Chico: She was looking for a million and a man to share it with. The banker offered both. First, a 70 year old (she wanted someone like her father)... then a 30 year old... again, someone like her father. Now imagine you have THIS board..

50 / 200 / 10,000 / 500K / 1M.

Chico: ... and you're offered $267,000.
Gordon: No deal.
Chico: Right. That turned out to be a $500,000 error.
Gordon: Down goes $500,000?
Chico: Down goes $500,000. Next offer is $216,000. No safety net. You could play gutsy and go on... Johnnie doesn't. She deals. Theoretically, you stand to GAIN more if you play on, as we learn playing rabbit hole.
Gordon: And I'm guessing she has a case with 6 zeroes in it.
Chico: You got it. Johnnie Taylor is of that elite club... that a) keeps swearing that she has the million, and b) .... ACTUALLY HAD IT. Belief is a strong weapon. Never leave home without it. The substance of things hoped for.... the evidence of things not seen.
Gordon: (Broken Record) No one's winning the million unless they have a 6 figured safety net(/broken record)
Chico: Don't you hate realists?
Gordon: I hate them - but I love the Brainvision animals creativity. They have each animal holding a case. That's so cute. And Gordon Jr. opens the case...and inside...has got a cue card reading 'Roll That Beautiful Brain Footage'

(Doug: Live, local, and latebreaking... From the four corners of the globe to your frontal lobe, this is WLTI Brainvision News, and now here's Gordon Pepper, Chico Alexander, and the award-winning Brainvision News Team)

Chico: Okay, let's start.. with a trip of global proportions...We're going to the Netherlands.

It's a classic business model. Company gets gobbled up by a bigger company. Bigger company gets gobbled up by even bigger company. That's what happens this week as 2waytraffic, the company that bought Millionaire creator Celador... is snatched up by Sony. The actual retail price...$276 million.

Gordon: Yipes.
Chico: The move makes Millionaire and Jeopardy!, longterm rivals, now stepsiblings.
Gordon: Do you have the amount that 22 way Traffic bought Celador for?
Chico: $212 million
Gordon: So 2way makes a 64 million dollar profit. Not too shabby.
Chico: Now put it in your pants and go grab the buffet. Next?
Gordon: Next up - a Trio of dates, brought possible by ABC

And recreating one of my favorite John Wayne Westerns, on Monday, March 17th, we get Dancing With The Stars (The Good), America's Prom Queen (The Bad), and Chico's Faaaaaaaaavorite show, The Bachelor (The VERY Ugly)

Chico: Bite me.
Gordon: You ever been bitten by a Brit?
Chico: No, I've never had a Brit bite me, though I heard it was pretty painful. Anywho... I have a counter move...

VH1 is giving you more Danny Bonaduce than you can stand with the premiere of "I Know My Kid's a Star" on March 20.

Gordon: Exploitation, anyone?
Chico: You give me the Bachelor... I give you Danny Partridge. And then Danny Partridge gives us an hour of the most exploitative television not thought of by Fox first....
Gordon: Can we have them date each other?
Chico: EWWWWWWW! Truth be told, I'd rather watch two teams that I've never heard of before compete for the right to get clobbered by Gonzaga. But that's just me.
Gordon: Would you rather see me make fun of people?
Chico: Yes. Yes I would. Particularly stupid people.
Gordon: Ok Then. Are You Smarter Than...

'America's Biggest Idiot?' Yes, Comedy Central has repurposed JackAss: the Game and will give us this drivel.

Gordon: 3 guys will see who can take the most physical punishment
Chico: Didn't they air this already? Only it was from Canada and it was called Kenny vs. Spenny
Gordon: On that same tangent...

Are You Smarter Than...Steve-O, as one of the original Jack-Asses is charged with Cocaine Posession and is on suicide watch in a mental institute. Is anyone truly surprised by this?

Chico: Umm... No.
Gordon: Drugs are bad. Mmmkay?
Chico: YA. Haterade, though... get your fill when you can
Gordon: Haterade is good for you - especially when you talk about a tribe that you just got booted from.
Chico: I'm scared.

This according to Survivor's Chet Welsh, when describing his team, 'I sort of hate to say this (laughing), but I feel sometimes I was put on one of the most stupidest tribes ever on Survivor. They never got to know us -- our weaknesses, our strengths, what we could do working together -- before they started making decisions on who they were going to vote off. '

Chico: Umm... isn't that the point of the game, Chet? Read each toher, then get to the kill?
Gordon: Yes, but I think he was saying that they were planning to kill first and then read the dead bodies later.
Chico: Ah. Gotcha. Okay, after the Haterade, I got Fully Loaded.
Gordon: Weeeeeeeeeee...burp

Endemol is apponting Player X to distribute mobile content in the European and Asian markets.

Gordon: What sort of content are we talking about?
Chico: Fear Factor. You remember Fear Factor, right?
Gordon: I do remember Fear Factor. Love that show.
Chico: Now you're in Europe... and you can get the Spanish version on your PHONE.
Gordon: Nice....but I don't think they have the technology yet to have hissing Madagascar cockroaches to crawl out of your receiver.
Chico: Ah, but if we did....
Gordon: Then we could make them media hoes, couldn't we?
Chico: Nope.
Gordon: Awww....but I bet you have a red sofa somewhere.
Chico: I do. And it has a hole in it.
Gordon: Then let's fill the hole...

You and two of your friends can be a part of "Hole in the Wall." The listing... here:
http://www.realitywanted.com/call/2325-untitled-game-show-now-casting
The stipulations are that you have a valid US passport, as travel is involved, and you must be 18.

Gordon: That's the Japanese fit your body into a shape that can go through a moving wall or you're getting swept away in a river of water game, isnt it?
Chico: The very same.
Gordon: Blech.
Chico: Well, there you go.
Gordon: Anything else on the sofa?
Chico: Nope
Gordon: Then we need to populate the Hole with Hoes...

In this week's Hodometer, Regis Philbin gets a lifetime achievement award, The Bachelor's Bob Guiney has a reality show about selling a house, Joel Chiodi moves from GSN to the NFL...America's Best Dance Crew gets renewed, the men of 'I Love New York 2' do a media tour for charity, Bob Barker will be penning a book to be released in 2009, Last Comic Standing Runner Up Lavell Crawford plays Pittsburgh...Donny and Marie Osmond will host Miss USA, Ed McMahon recovers from a neck injury, and horror Director Sam Raimi sinks his teeth into a new 'Fear Factor meets Horror Movies' CW series.

Gordon: But none of them are your Co-Hoes of the Week.
Chico: OOOH! I KNOW! I KNOW!
Gordon: Who pray tell, is one of them?
Chico: The Game Show Man... Joe. Van. Ginkel.
Gordon: Joe is certainly one of them, with a valiant effort in Crosswords.
Chico: And the other?
Gordon: Joe gets to share the stage with...Paris Hilton. When I heard about this one, this was a no-brainer lock.
Chico: She's looking for a new Best Friend Forever... on TV.
Gordon: And here's the kicker. According the the press release, the winner gets, and I kid you not, 'an all-access pass to the VIP section of the VIP section, and life lessons from the master of contemporary Hollywood celebrity'.
Chico: So we get to learn how to sing haphazardly and act even worse! NICE!
Gordon: Are we buying this as anything more than another 15 minutes of attempted fame?
Chico: No.
Gordon: I notice that there's nothing there about the winner getting (bleep)-faced, shaving their head and having babies out of wedlock, or wearing no panties and going out to rehab.
Chico: I don't think you're going to see that description anytime soon.
Gordon: And those...are your hoes.
Chico: Finally, get me a bat. I have another entry in the "They Greenlit THAT?" file.
Gordon: (Hands Chico the bat)
Chico: Gordon's favorite show involving poker chips will return for a second season in the upcoming weeks.
Gordon: World Poker Tour! Yay!
Chico: ...The return of Duel.
Gordon: Boo.

The second season of "Duel" will be more self-contained, with contestants playing for up to a flat $500,000 on each of the 14 shows.

Gordon: What happened to 1.8 million?
Chico: Not enough males age 18-49 watch the network to warrant that
much money given out in a week again.
Gordon: The fact that the finals were determined by one dumb question may
also have something to do with it, I think.
Chico: But still, it's the first quiz show since Millionaire to be
given a second season on ABC, and that in and of itself is an accomplishment
Gordon: Yes, but....that show?
Chico: You'd rather have season 2 of Show Me the Money? Sorry, but that show did only two things. 1) Suck out loud, and 2) gave the world Julianne Hough.
Gordon: I'd rather have Season 1 of a better show. Heck I'll even take season 3 of The Mole.
Chico: May 2008...
Gordon: Ugh. Maybe add Greenberg to that and make The Mole better. I like Mike Greenberg. Give him a better show to host. That's Branivision. Shut it down.

(Shut Down)

Gordon: Finally, the results of You Love To Interrupt...We asked you last week what you thought of GSN Live. Over 80% of you said...not excellent, but good.
Chico: We'll get to another bit about that later. Meanwhile, here's the question for you this week...

Gordon: No goat porn this week?
Chico: No goat porn. I think they've had enough. IF the poll works (our server was "upgraded"... so much as you can call it that), then
you can expect the results in seven days. If not, just drop up a line. The address, as always, is wlti@gameshownewsnet.com.
Gordon: We do like email.
Chico: Meanwhile, I have remotes and Gordon has golden tickets after the break. This is We Love to Interrupt, a game show column that doesn't suck.

(Brainvision has been brought to you by America's Next Top Lady of the Evening. Forget modelling. The real money is made in political seduction. Elliot Spitzer hosts).

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