(on On the Cover)
Tim Hsieh: Since we had been there for about 7 hours prior to taping our show, everyone was getting tired. Catherine was feeling some of those effects. Plus, she had tasted the mystery pudding.
Rob: Ah, that's why she ended up in 3rd place.

(after a round of Deserted Island)
Gordon: OK - so to sum it up - We'll send the Scwab, Omarosa, Janice
Dickinson, Mike Matesou, Ron Artest, Jermaine O'Neal, Stephen Jackson, and the heads of ABC and CBS to the island, have them eat the Fear Factor Thanksgiving feast, then stuff the executives and keep the NBA players, the Schwab and Omarosa and Janice to breed the island so we have plenty of being to stuff for next Thanksgiving.
Ryan:   I like it.

(opening)
Gordon: The man with the stellar opinions - and the man who has yet to be beaten on WPLJ's show dedicated to him - Jason Block.
Travis: Oh, that's right; I forgot about that show "Beat the Blockhead," or
something.
Jason: It's Beat the Block.
Travis: See, it's a pun...
Jason: I got it--didn't want it...but I got it...

(Dr. Gordon’s response to a Trump trash talker)
Gordon: Well, TTT, I think you need to evaluate your position in life, and you need to figure out if this is the right position for you. But in the meantime...sue. Sue NBC for editing you that way. Sue the Donald for trashing you on national TV and for libel. Sue Stacy for libel and for talking too much. Sue the old job for false firing. SUE EVERYONE AND GET RICH DOING IT!!! THAT'S HOW THE REAL BUSINESS WORLD WORKS!!!

(another opening)
Jeff Suchard: Happy to be here. Am I more SPECIAL because it's in caps?
Chico: But of course! But not that kind of special. The good kind. You know,
until the end of the show, when you WILL be the other kind.
Joe: *rimshot*

(on Lost over Top Model)
Jeff Suchard: What are two shows that don't interest me much, Alex? I'll be watching "Lost" to see when the Sleestaks appear. Cuz they are in the Land of the Lost, right?
Chico: We'll have to see once the claymation dinosaurs appear... Because we can't afford CGI =p
Joe: Are you forgetting Wesley Eure?
Chico: After watching him on Finders Keepers I'd like to. :-)

(yet another opening)
Chico:  I think Nigel Lythgoe is the scariest thing to come from Britain since mad cow disease. Your thoughts, Gordon?
Gordon: I think that you've been hanging out in his kitchen a little too long for my liking.

(on who could be the Player Operator)
Gordon: I am sick of the dopey Bachelor shows. Since no one is looking for love anymore, let's throw a nasty twist into the genre. I would make STEVE from MY BIG FAT OBNOXIOUS FIANCE the player and then the game would be to try to get eliminated from the show so that you DON'T get married to him.
Chico:  Seppuku is allowed, right?
Gordon: no - no Seppuku allowed.
Chico:  Damn.

(And finally, Steve Altes...)
Steve Altes: Ban dodgeball? Why you might as well ban apple pie and mother's day! America is getting softer than microwaved butter! I know what those NPR-listening, Birkenstocks-wearing, frappuccino-guzzling parents want. They want their Joshuas and their Olivias to grow up in a cozy womb of non-competition, where everybody shares their tofu and the three little pigs and the big, bad wolf set up a commune. Then their kids will be shoved out into the real  world and discover that there's weak and strong and winning and losing. You'll recognize those kids. They'll be the ones steaming your chai. It's a very noncompetitive pursuit.