Week 8 - December 9
We are getting the party started early tonight, as we
get the CPA's first. They have lost 2 of their past 3
matches - and they are not very happy about it. The
Response lost last week - but they can tie the CPA's
with a win here. Can they?
Match #1 - Armed
Response (4-3) Vs. CPA's (5-2)
Armed Response -
David Benedetto - 48MPH - 25 Kills, 2 Catches,
Still a Swamp Donkey
Kel Waltrin - 61 MPH - Fastest in the league, and
deadly with 23 kills (4 game winners) and 4
catches...but he has a TENDON INJURY! Replacing him
Danno 'Kamikaze' Kingman - No stats - but he's a
David Rice - 44 MPH - 15 Kills, 7 Catches, and
finally has woken up
Nicole Zingale - 38 MPH - 2 Kills, 5 Catches. But
hey she's better than...
Tanya Fenderbosch - 34MPH - 1 Kill, 1 Catch. At
least Michelle Manu screamed a lot and did something.
Imagine what they would be like if they got support...
Certified Public Assassins -
Tobias McKinney (6'5, 130, 51 MPH) - 15 kills and
5 catches on the season - but only 2 in the last 3
Michael 'Handsome' Costanza - He's up to 26 kills
(and 6 game winners) - but he may want some help from
Art 'Artful Dodger' Spigel - 5'9", 175, 46 MPH.
He has plenty of help from Spigel, who has 14 kills, 3
catches and 5 regens
Mandy Sommers - Last year, the 5'5" player had 12
catches. This year - 5. She has to step it up
Natasha Pospich - She's 5'7", 135 and a former
tennis pro, but she has 1 kill, 1 catch, and a wrist
Rice has a 'No Spigel' Tattoo. Kingman should have a no
Sommers tattoo, because in Round 1, his first throw gets
caught by Sommers. Rice is out next, followed by
Benedetto and Zingale. Benedetto goes get the regen, and
the returning Kingman takes out Costanza. Sommers and
McKinney are next, and even though Kingman is gone,
Pospich goes out too, leaving the no Spigel zone.
Benedetto gets him with a suicide kill and the Response
takes the first match (Armed Response leads, 1-0)
Round 2 - Costanza, Pospich and McKinney are taken out
early, which isn't good for the CPA. Spigel gets a catch
- but the returning Costanza is negated by a Fenderbosch
catch and it's now a 20 second Spigel zone. He regens
the team, but Costanza gets tagged on the way back in.
He complains and gets a yellow card for his troubles.
After a melee of both teams throwing around the big
ball, Fenderbosch gets called out on a 5 second delay.
Mckinney is out on a Kingman catch and both teams get a
delay warning as they continue to roll the big ball.
Pospich gets tagged - but a Sommers catch on Rice brings
back McKinney. It's down to Costanza Vs. Kingman and
Zingale. The refs gives yellow cards to everyone on the
floow - which means that Kingman and Zingale gets
Yellows, as does Costanza. That's his second yellow, so
for him, that's a red card. He gets thrown out of the
game, and as a result, the CPA's have no one on the
court, so they lose (Armed Response wins, 2-0). Costanza
is stunned and storms off the court, without giving any
exit interviews. Michael Costanza needs a hug.
Either the Reef Sharks or M.A.D. is going to need a hug
after this match. Whoever loses this one is going to be
in deep danger of missing the playoffs.
Match #2 - Reef Sharks (3-4) Vs. M.A.D. (2-5)
Reef Sharks -
Mark Pontius - He's been sharking around with 16
kills and 3 catches with a 50 mph shot.
Mark Long - He's 6'3", 205 and throws up to 50
mph. He had 24 kills - 2 of them for game winners this
Chris Bullis - Another new guy (6'2", 200, 43
MPH) - with 12 kills and 5 catches to boot
Amy Wiseman - 5'6", 125, 36 MPH She has 12 kills
as well with Pontius. Sweet.
Melanie Thomas - 5'4", 125, 26 MPH - 1 catch, 1
regen, 1 surfboard.
Mutually Assured Destruction -
Gary 'Spaz' Davis - 5'11", 165, 43MPH - The
captain has 14 kills and 2 catches, not good numbers for
a team leader.
Tarone Cathcart - 6'1", 180, 41MPH - has 9 kills
and 3 catches - none of which happened after week #1.
Marie Philman - 5'10", 180, 48MPH - She hash 6
kills and 5 catches, keeping up with Bartsch.
Mark Vannorden - 5'10", 167, 39 MPH - The stats
say it all - 8 Kills, 1 Catch, 1 virus
Anna Bartsch - 5'4", 160, 35MPH - she has 6
kills, 5 catches and 2 regenerations. Now if only she
can find a real team...
Round 1 - The women take out Bullis, but Bartsch is out
thanks to Pontius. Philman brings back in Bartsch thanks
to a catch on Long, though Cathcart is carted out and
Pontius hits Vannorden. A Pontius catch takes care of
Philman, and as Davis gets hit by Pontius, Bartsch steps
out of bounds, giving the sharks a bite of the first
round (Sharks lead, 1-0)
Round 2 - Bartsch catches a Pontius shot, but Davis is
out, thanks to Long. After a catching medley that sees
everyone shuffle, we get Cathcart and Philbin Vs. the
lady Sharks and Bullis. Cathcart gets knocked out, but
Philbin regens the team - and then Cathicart is promptly
out again. Pontius is out on a 5 second call and a shark
attack takes out Spaz and Bartsch. M.A.D. responds with
an attack of their own, leaving only Wiseman. She gets
to regen, and everyone is back for the Sharks. That
spells trouble for M.A.D., but they come back as Long
and Bartsch are left. Long throws a shot...which Bartsch
catches, tying up the match (Tied, 1-1).
Round 3 - The Dead People Walking are Davis for M.A.D.
and Wiseman for the Sharks. Vannorden and Bartsch
quickly find their way out, but Philbin brings back
Vannorden and takes out Long. Catches take out Bullis
and Pontius, and it's now a 5 on 1 on Wiseman. She
somehow regens and its's the Sharks turn to leave the
playing field, as Philbin leaves. Bartch catches Long's
shot and it's 4 on 2, but Bullis starts picking off
M.A.D.s until Philbin and Davis are left. Davis makes a
fatal error - he throws a shot that Bullis gobbles up.
Since Davis is the DMW, they lose (Sharks win, 2-1). The
Sharks get back to .500 while the MADsters may be going
back to the laboratory.
That was for the bottom of the Expansion Division. This
is for the Top - and it will be all Bling if they win
Match #3 - Delta Force (3-4) Vs. Bling (5-2)
The Bling -
Portis Hershey - 48MPH - The Chinchilla has been
a little crazy with 2 Catches, 9 Kills, and two regens.
Frank Frisoli - 59MPH - He's been the main guy
with 29 Kills, 4 Game Winners and 2 catches
Adam Ullberg - 50MPH - He's been the true
sidekick with 20 Kills, 4 Catches
Mia Parlor - 7 Kills, 1 Catch, 1 regeneration -
She calls herself the female Kobe Bryant...
Alvina Carroll - 33 MPH ...which makes her the
female Dennis Rodman, though she does have 1 kill and 3
Paul 'Rambo' Green - A former player in the NFL -
6'3, 215, 60 MPH - and he can turn his eyeballs inside
out. Plus he has 25 kills and 4 catches. Still scary...
Bobby Roe - A former college baseball player.
6'5", 235, 48MPH. He's another big boy, with 24 kills
and 2 catches..
Geoff Meed - A former professional Jujitsu
Martial Artist. 5'10", 177, 44 MPH, Not as scary as
Green with only 3 kills and 2 catch - but still scary.
Lisa Marshall - She's not 6', but at 5'10, 170
and 36MPH, she's another built player. She has 7 kills,
2 regens and 1 catch.
Linda Overheu - 5'9", 130, 38MPH. At last,
someone who I can't accuse of bulking up - but she has 3
kills, 2 catches and 1 regen. Can she cowboy up?
Round 1 - Frisoli makes the first catch, which
eliminates Roe. Green and Meed are next, and the big
guns for the Force are out. Roe comes back in, thanks to
a Marshall catch and it's now Bling hunting season.
Carroll is left, and Roe doesn't let her regen the team
(Force leads, 1-0)
Round 2 - 'We're going to take out the Tumbleweed first,
then the little Ewok, then the Dutch Boy' says Green,
who says that Bling is more worried about Jewelry than
the win. Well, the Carroll woman goes out first, then
the Dutch Boy (Frisoli) then the tumbleweed (Hershey),
then the Ewok (Ulberg) and finally the Parlor in a 5-0
spanking (Force wins, 2-0). Well, instead of clinching
the division, Bling now is only 1 game up on both the
Force and the Sharks and that bye may not be as ready as
We go Beyond the Ball with Green, who was in the NFL for
7 years. He played for the Broncos, who got to the Super
Bowl, adding that he loves the intense excitement that
he gets in the Dodgeball Court. He didn't play much in
the NFL, did he? He loves working in the farming field
and wants to be the next Mr. Clean Spokesman. Uhhhh...ok.
With that, we get to one more match...
Match #4 - Barbell Mafia (2-5) Vs. Ink, Inc. (4-3)
Barbell Mafia -
Jeramy Freeman - 6'0", 290, 47 MPH - He can
benchpress a car - but has only benchpressed 3 kills.
Tyrone Rush - 6'0", 200, 55 MPH - has 25 kills.
He has 10 catches, too.
Alan Grimes - 5'"10, 360, 45 MPH - 7 kills, no
catches, leads the league in foot faults.
Melissa Coates - The blonde bodybuilder is 5'5",
150 and 37 MPH. She has yet to register a stat this
Vanessa 'Scorpion' Altman -At 5'9", 155 and a 31
MPH shot, she also has no stats. Where's Amazon Beard
when you need her?
Ink Inc -
Ben 'Psycho' Toth - 5'11", 150, 48 MPH - He's the
captain, and he has 12 Kills and 4 catches so far
Shaun 'Hitman' Hauser - 5'1"0, 215, 45MPH - He is
up to 14 kills, 4 of those game-winners.
Strati Hovartez - 6'0", 180, 59MPH - Leads the
team with 17 kills while getting 4 catches - maybe a
rookie of the year candidate?
Kim Estrada - 5'9". 125. 37MPH - She was on the
Curves of Steel. She's no longer there, but she does
have...curves - and 1 kill and 6 catches. Heh heh heh...
'Scary' Kari Richardson - 5'8", 135, 31 MPH -
What's scary is that she has 3 catches - but no kills.
Round 1 - The Mafia can't play without Rush, and the
Inksters can't play against bad teams. Toth catches Rush
and Grime's throws - but they let Coates regen. That was
a mistake, as Rush destroys 4 of the Inksters and Grimes
spikes Estrada for the win (Mafia lead, 1-0).
Round 2 - Grimes and Rush make early exits, but Freeman
brings them both back in with catches from Toth and
Hovartez. That leaves Rush in against Hauser and the
women, which spells bad news for Ink. Richardson, the
last person left, evades the balls - but she kicks one,
which gets her a warning. 4 seconds later, she kicks
another one, and that gets her thrown out of the game.
She pulls a Costanza, and the Mafia get a bizarre win
(Mafia win, 2-0). Estrada now gets to kick the ball and
Toth has words for the refs after that weird match - but
then again, it's been pretty much a weird night for
everyone. If the Inksters don't win the division, they
can point to this match as why.
Who gets the player of the week? Benedetto, Philbin or
Long? According to you, it's...Benedetto, with 46%. Long
has 41% and Philbin has 13%.
We got some standings too, by the way.
Certified Public Assassins
Mutually Assured Destruction
Next week - it's
desperation time! There's only 2 weeks left. Let's see
wants it more.