Week 3 - October 28
With no more delays, or whining about David Benedetto,
we shall continue our season. This is the first week
that the teams in both leagues are going to the other
league to find the competition. This is crucial for the
Barbell Mafia, who are the only team without a win and
desperately need one. They go up against The Bling as we
start our first match.
Match #1 - The Bling
(1-1) Vs. Barbell Mafia (0-2)
Barbell Mafia -
Jeramy Freeman - 6'0", 290, 47 MPH - He can
benchpress a car - but hasn't benchpressed any kills or
catches yet. Yikers.
Tyrone Rush - 6'0", 200, 55 MPH - leads the
league with 11 kills. He has 2 catches, too.
Alan Grimes - 5'"10, 360, 45 MPH - No kills, no
catches, leads the league in foot faults.
Melissa Coates - The blonde bodybuilder is 5'5",
150 and 37 MPH. She has yet to register a stat this
Vanessa 'Scorpion' Altman - At 5'9", 155 and a 31
MPH shot, she also has no stats. Where's Amazon Beard
when you need her?
The Bling -
We finally get a Line-up! Yay!
Portis Hershey - 48MPH - 1 Catch, 1 Kill, and no
haircut for the afro-puff
Adam Ullberg - 50MPH - 3 Kills, 1 Catch
Frank Frisoli - 59MPH - 7 Kills, 1 Game Winner,
seems like their top gun
Mia Parlor - 3 Kills, 1 Catch, 1 regeneration -
the ladies on this team can work it...
Alvina Carroll - 33 MPH ...well, Parlor can.
Carroll has yet to get on the board.
Round 1 - Once again Grimes steps over the line and
eliminates himself. Hershey, 'The Big Chinchilla' gets
tagged out and so does Carroll. Rush gets bounced and
Freeman takes out Ulberg. Parlor takes out both Freeman
and Coates, leaving Altman in there to finally get a
statistic. She does - but it's the last person
eliminated statistic, which does them no good (The Bling
Round 2 - Grimes once AGAIN goes over the line, and
Freeman gets caught on the foot. Rush tries to catch a
shot but misses, eliminating himself. Coates is next and
Altman is all alone again. Parler tries the suicide
leap, but she misses and is gone. The Crazy Chinchilla
tries his own suicide leap - and he connects (The Bling
Win, 2-0). Portis says that like good rap artists, they
like to sample everything and then do their own thing
with it. The Mafia, last year's finalists, are 0-3, and
Amazon Beard has to be home, laughing at them now.
Zach says that this win proves that the Expansion
Division is real. I say that the win proves that Rush
has had no help, as Grimes lasted a full 2 seconds into
the match and Freeman has been completely ineffective.
Everyone around Rush has to step up or Rush will be the
big free agent pickup for next year.
Can the CPA's strike back for the Classic Division?
We'll find out right now...
Match 2 - CPA (2-0) Vs. Delta Force (1-1)
Paul 'Rambo' Green - A former player in the NFL -
6'3, 215, 60 MPH - and he can turn his eyeballs inside
out. That's one SCARY dude.
Geoff Meed - A former professional jiujutsu
martial artist. 5'10", 177, 44 MPH. Not as scary as
Green - but still scary.
Bobby Roe - A former college baseball player.
6'5", 235, 48MPH. He's another big boy.
Lisa Marshall - She's not 6', but at 5'10, 170
and 36MPH, she's another built player.
Linda Overheu - 5'9", 130, 38MPH. At last,
someone who I can't accuse of bulking up. Can she cowboy
Certified Public Assassins -
Tobias McKinney (6'5, 130, 51 MPH) - Slim,
Skinny, Father of the Suicide Kill. Whatever you call
him, just don't call him shrimp.
Michael 'Handsome' Costanza - 5'10, 160, 35 kills
last year - the MVP on the team - for good reason.
Mandy Sommers - Only 5'5" but has glue for hands
and leads the league in catches with 12.
Art 'Artful Dodger' Spigel - 5'9", 175, 46 MPH.
He's one of the rookies
Natasha Pospich - She's the other rookie, but at
5'7", 135 with long blonde hair, and as a former tennis
pro, she looks more like a shorter Natasha Henstridge -
Round 1 - Costanza says that the strategy is to have the
Delta Force think of more than one thought at one time,
since they are incapable of doing that. That seems to
work early, as Overheu gets taken out by McKinney. Meed
follows, but Costanza is taken out by a Simulthrow.
Costanza comes back in on a McKinney catch - but he gets
promptly eliminated by Overheu, who comes back in on a
Green catch. Overheu goes over the line, which leaves
Green all alone - and tagged out by a Simulthrow from
Costanza and Spigel. (CPA's lead, 1-0)
Round 2 - Overheu gets thrown out of bounds due to a big
ball - but comes right back in thanks to Green's catch
on Costanza. McKinney is out, too, and Sommers can't
handle the bullet from Green. Spigel is all alone for 20
seconds, but 'The Artful Dodger' regenerates the team
for the third time this season and a returning Costanza
takes out Green. Meed goes out shortly after, and it's
Marshall's turn to regenerate - which she does. Overheu
and Meed get Grimes disease and both step out of bounds.
Green gets simulthrown out by Costanza and Spigel. Roe
finally gets a kill by taking out McKinney, and he takes
out Sommers too. Spigel catches Roe's shot, and Marshall
is all alone again. It's only time until she is taken
out, and a simulthrow forces her to drop the Big Ball -
and the match - to the CPA (CPA wins, 2-0). Maybe Spigel
gets the rookie of the year award for keeping the CPA's
Does anyone want to see the first David Benedetto match
since they had a rule banning his tactics? I sure do...
Match 3 - Armed Response (1-1) Vs. M.A.D. (1-1)
Armed Response -
David Benedetto - 48MPH - 10 Kills, 0 Catches,
Still a Swamp Donkey
Kel Watrin - 61 MPH - Fastest in the league, and
deadly with 6 kills and 2 catches
David Rice - 44 MPH - 1 Kill, 0 Catches, and
right now, dead weight
Nicole Zinagle - 38 MPH - 0 Kills, 1 Catch. But
hey she's better than...
Tanya Fenderbosch - 34MPH - 0 Kills, 0 Catches.
At least Michelle Manu (C-Note: ... maleuna) screamed a
lot and did something. Imagine what they would be like
if they got support...
Mutually Assured Destruction -
Gary 'Spaz' Davis - 5'11", 165, 43MPH - The
captain has 3 kills (1 game winner), 1 catch, and looked
spectacularly bad last week.
Tarone Cathcart - 6'1", 180, 41MPH - has 4 kills
and 3 catches - none of which happened last week, as he
also looked real bad.
Marie Philman - 5'10", 180, 48MPH - She didn't
look that bad last week with 2 kills and 3 catches.
Mark Vannorden - 5'10", 167, 39 MPH - 1 Kill, 1
Catch - but is a cool web designer
Anna Bartsch - 5'4", 160, 35MPH - 3 kills, 1
catch. Now this team has the opposite problem. Lots of
support, but no leaders...
We'll see which side can capitalize on the other team's
weaknesses as we go to Round 1. The key would be for
M.A.D. to get rid of Benedetto and Watrin out quickly.
That happens as David foot faults out, but Watrin is
still there and he takes out Cathcart. Rice gets faulted
out and Zingale and Fenderbosch both get hit, leaving
Watrin all alone. The team, for whatever reason, only
throws one shot at Watrin, and that allows the Response
to come back in. That allows Benedetto to get rid of
Davis, and although Fenderbosch foot faults again,
Vannorden gets tagged out by Benedetto, leaving Bartsch
to regenerate. She does evade some shots and the team
comes in, and Bartsch catches Watrin's shot - before
going out of bounds, which gets rid of both her and
Watrin. The rest of Armed Response, however, picks off
the MAD until only Vannorden is left. Vannorden's weak
throw gets caught by Rice, and stupid thinking by the
scientists for not eliminating Watrin when they had the
chance costs them (Armed Response leads, 1-0).
Round 2 - Rice gets takes out early, and a double
sacrifice takes out Vannorden and Watrin. Benedetto tags
out Davis - and then catches Cathcart's ball, allowing
Watrin to come back in. Philman catches Rice's shot -
and then her next ball is caught by Benedetto, knocking
her out. The returning Vannorden steps out of bounds,
and this spells disaster for Philman, who has to survive
Watrin and Benedetto for 20 seconds. She doesn't, as
Watrin's first shot eliminated her and the M.A.D. (Armed
Response wins, 2-0). The M.A.D. have no one to blame but
themselves, as bad strategy costs them.
We go Beyond The Ball to Kimberly Estrada, who also
moonlights as an actress (gee, what a surprise). She had
a lot of fun last year, and had to come back this year.
She wanted to go into law enforcement as she was
intrigued by the handcuffs (heh). She wants her own
action figure with the Kim Estrada doll. Well, Vanilla
Ice made stardom, so why not Kim?
We have one more match - and one opportunity for the
Expansion Division to tie their head-to-head record.
Match #4 - Ink Inc. (1-1) Vs. Reef Sharks (1-1)
Reef Sharks -
Mark Pontius - He's no longer a mime - he's now a
surfer dude, which I guess based on last year's profile
of him, fits his personality. He had 19 kills and 9
catches last year.
Mark Long - He's 6'3", 205 and throws up to 50
mph. He had 6 kills in the last match.
Chris Bullis - Another new guy (6'2", 200, 43
Amy Wiseman - 5'6", 125, 36 MPH She had a few
catches last week.
Melanie Thomas - 5'4", 125, 26 MPH - unless she
catches well, she has 'dead weight' written all over
Ink Inc -
Ben 'Psycho' Toth - 5'11", 150, 48 MPH - He's the
Shaun 'Hitman' Hauser - 5'1"0, 215, 45MPH - 3
Kills last week. 3 Kids - but not from last week, and
no, he didn't kill the kids.
Strati Hovartez - 6'0", 180, 59MPH - maybe the
second fastest thrower (to Kel Watrin) - maybe a rookie
of the year candidate?
Kim Estrada - 5'9". 125. 37MPH - She was on the
Curves of Steel. She's no longer there, but she does
have... curves. Heh heh heh...
'Scary' Kari Richardson - 5'8", 135, 31 MPH - Her
play last week was scary (but not in a good way),
Something interesting. Mark Pontius's sister, Rebecca,
played for the Inksters (which Estrada is currently on)
last year. Will that mean anything this year? Round 1 -
Apparently not - but the Inksters may have had something
gunning for him, as Pontius gets knocked out first. Toth
and Long get knocked out in a double sacrifice and
Hauser gets knocked out. Hovartez, however catches
Thomas's throw, which bring Toth back in - but he gets
quickly sent out by Bullis. Wiseman goes out of bounds,
which leaves Bullis all alone - and in a great play,
Bullis throws the ball at Hovartez, who jumps out of the
way and nails Bullis in a suicide leap. Nice (Ink Inc
Round 2 - Is it just me or is Bullis's straddling on
Long during the opening run seem... unnatural? Anyways,
the Sharks get all 3 balls on the opening run and nail
Estrada with 2 of them. Hauser catches Bullis's shot and
tags Wiseman - but gets tagged out by Long in return.
Toth takes out Long, which leaves them with just Pontius
and the ladies, but Pontius catches Hauser shot and
Bullis comes in, even as Thomas steps out of bounds.
Richardson gets tagged, and so does Pontius, leaving
Bullis all alone. He catches Hovartez's throw and nails
Toth, leaving Estrada against Bullis and Wiseman. Can
she use her acting techniques to her advantage? Not
unless it's a ballet role, as she steps over the line
with her throw (and her throw is caught by Wiseman,
making it a double out) (Match tied at 1-1).
Round 3 - The Dead Men Walking are Pontius and Toth. On
the first run, the Inksters throw the balls at the
crowd, who scatter out of the way. By scattering, who do
they leave open? A surprised Pontius, who tries to get
out of the way, but he gets tagged. Game over, match
over, and the shortest round of dodgeball, under 10
seconds, has been completed (Ink Inc. wins, 2-0).
Pontius is supposed to be the star of the team, but the
team isn't going to win many games when you have the
star's teammates doing that.
Who is the star of the show? Art Spigel? David Rice?
Shawn Hauser? Hauser wins it with 40%, Spigel in second
with 33% and Rice in third with 27%.
So after the first week of intra-division play, the
Classics lead 3-1. That is evident in the new
Certified Public Assassins
Mutually Assured Destruction
Next week - more intra
divisional action, more balls, and more Pontius, as the
Sharks are the next team to try to end the CPA's
undefeated streak. Tune in next week to see if they can.