Ink Inc. - They are still orange, though looking less tattooey than their prior incarnation.
 
Armed Response - The Rent-A-Cop wardrobe has been replaced by light gray shirts. They look much less like rent-a-cops and more like rent-an-NBA Basketball-JV-Squad.
 
And now, for the four new teams making up the new division - the Expansion Division.
 
Delta Force - Look, it's a team by Mark Burnett! Well, no, not really (though if you've watched Combat Missions, you know exactly what I am talking about), but that definitely looks like the armed forces stereotype team, camouflage shirt, salute and all.
 
Reef Sharks - Hang Ten, Dude! We get another gray outfit sheen, with the guy in the middle making a shark impersonation. That, in my mind, would be the surfing theme. Hopefully they won't wipeout...
 
Bling - Look - Hip-hopsters! They have green shirts (how creative) and look to be this year's urban Ink Inc. Cute concept - but can they play?
 
M.A.D. - You thought you saw the last of the acronyms? Never! M.A.D. (Mutually Assured Destruction) has a brown jersey with a radioactive sign on their shirts. That's the most original design from the scientists - can they insure the other team's destruction?
 
There are some new wrinkles this year - each episode is now an hour, as we will see EVERY game in the league. The prize money has been raised from $10,000 to $25,000 - now making $5,000 a person for the winning team. In addition, only the top teams make the playoffs and you can vote online (www.gsn.com/mobile) for the player of the week.
 
That's the rhetoric - let's get ready to throw balls at each other! We start
off the new season with...
 
Match 1 - Reef Sharks Vs. Delta Force. Line-ups -
 
Reef Sharks
Mark Pontius - He's no longer a mime - he's now a surfer dude, which I guess based on last year's profile of him, fits his personality. He had 19 kills and 9 catches last year.
Mark Long - He didn't have any kills last year - then again, he wasn't in the league last year. He's 6'3", 205 and throws up to 50 mph.
Chris Bullis - Another new guy (6'2", 200, 43 MPH)
Amy Wiseman - 5'6", 125, 36 MPH
Melanie Thomas - 5'4", 125, 26 MPH - unless she catches well, she has 'dead weight' written all over her.
 
Delta Force
Paul 'Rambo' Green - A former player in the NFL - 6'3, 215, 60 MPH - and he can turn his eyeballs inside out. That's one SCARY dude.
Geoff Meed - A former professional jiujutsu martial artist. 5'10", 177, 44
MPH. Not as scary as Green - but still scary.
Bobby Roe - A former college baseball player. 6'5", 235, 48MPH. He's another big boy. What sort of water are they drinking out there? Do these dodgeball players get tested for 'roids?
Lisa Marshall - She's not 6', but at 5'10, 170 and 36MPH, she's another built player.
Linda Overheu - 5'9", 130, 38MPH. At last, someone who I can't accuse of
bulking up. Can she cowboy up?
 
Here's a recap on the rules: You win the game by knocking out all of your opponents. You knock out an opponent by hitting any part of their body - except the head, which is off limits. If someone throws the ball and you catch it, the person who throws it is out and one of your eliminated teammates comes back into play. If you step out of bounds or step over the center line, you're out. Whoever wins two out of three games wins the match.
 
A few rule changes from last year. If a team has more than one ball, you have 5 seconds to throw it or face a delay of game penalty. There is also no more regeneration target - if you are the last person standing, you can get your whole team back in by staying alive for 20 seconds. Like the target, however, this can only happen once per round. Your head referee is Jim Burns. Your line refs are Greg James and Decklyn Galvin.
 
Delta Force, according to Zach, has been tagged to win the whole thing. In Round 1, it's the Sharks that are on the attack first, as they knock everyone out except for Green. In the 20 second survival wave, Green sees... only one ball thrown at him, and that allows his whole team to come back in. It doesn't matter though, as they get picked off one by one, and only Meed is left. He tries to do a rolling rope-a-dope out of the way, but he gets nailed by Pontius in a 'simulthrow' (where more than one ball is coming for you at the same time) and the Sharks take the first match (Sharks lead, 1-0).
 
We get an interview with Pontius, as he says... absolutely nothing of value. I preferred it when he was a mime and didn't say anything. Well, at least he's playing the surfer stereotype perfectly.
 
Round 2 - The Big Ball is back! The Delta women... aren't as they get taken out first. Green gets tagged with a 5 second delay penalty. Roe gets simulthrown out, and this time, they don't let Delta Force get to regenerate as Meed gets taken out. This is a sweep for the Sharks, who look impressive against a very shoddy Delta Force (Sharks win, 2-0). Maybe Pontius's return will help this team...
 
Two teams that don't need help are Ink. Inc and Armed Response - unless they are going after each other. Let's meet the revised teams. 

Match 2 - Armed Response Vs. Ink Inc. Line-ups -
 
Ink. Inc - We don't get the line-up graphics from the previous match - or from the earlier seasons. We do see that only Ben 'Psycho' Toth and Shawn Hauser are the only guys back from their team. Joining them is Strati Hovartez, Curves Of Steel's Kimberly Estrada and Kari Richardson. Is that THE Kari... nah.
 
Armed Response - The only person back is David 'Swamp Donkey' Benedetto, but he has the most coveted free agent from the off-season - Curves of Steel's KEL WALTRIN. Uh-oh... David Rice, Tanya Fenderbosch and Nicole Zingale are the rookies to the team.
 
Round 1 - Waltrin, who throws at 61 MPH, makes a huge impression early by catching Hovartez and tagging Hauser. Waltrin wipes out everyone except Richardson. Do you think that ex-teammate Waltrin would take it easy on Richardson? She apparently thinks so, as to avoid the 5 second penalty, she rolls the ball to him. That mistake turns fatal, as he nonchalantly pegs her with it and ends the round (Response leads, 1-0).
 
Round 2 - Waltrin gets taken out early, but Benedetto has a great fake-out move and takes out Toth. Benedetto and Hauser takes each other out, and the ladies are left. Fenderbosch's ball is caught, and Zingale gets tagged out, despite holding the big ball. (Match is tied 1-1).
 
Round 3 - We have the Dead Man Walking round returning, as Benedetto and Hovartez is the dead man. Toth is eliminated by crossing over the line, and that forces Hovartez to be active. Toth's folly dooms his team, as an exposed Hovartez gets tagged by a Waltrin shot. The new look Response wins - and looks very scary, indeed (Armed Response wins, 2-1).
 
Zach says - You should never make your DMW (Dead Man Walking) a strong player. Instead, make it a weak player, who can hide and not have to play, while letting your strong players do the dirty work. Well, said, Zach.
 
Intermission - and it's time to see the first Extreme Dodgeball Boot Camp! We see a video of everyone of drills, stretching, target practice (so that's where the regeneration targets are) and a simulated game, as we see Melanie Thomas both lose her lunch and her vision, as we see a nice shiner under her eye.
 
Next up - the Championship Rematch! Match 3 - CPA Vs. Barbell Mafia. Lineups -
 
CPA
Tobias McKinney (6'5, 130, 51 MPH) - Yes, the stats are correct - he's as
skinny as a beanpole - but don't mess with him or he'll drill you upside the
head
Michael 'Handsome' Costanza - 5'10, 160, 35 kills last year - the MVP on the team - for good reason.
Mandy Sommers - Could also be the MVP of the season. she's only 5'5" but has 12 catches (the most out of anyone) and has glue for hands
Art Spigel - 5'9", 175, 46 MPH. He's one of the rookies
Natasha Pospich - She's the other rookie, but at 5'7", 135 with long blonde hair, and as a former tennis pro, she looks more like a shorter Natasha Henstridge - Yowsers...
 
The CPA's no longer have Gretchen Weiss or... STEVE ALTES??????? Oh, the agony!!!! Chico, I can't do this anymore. I think we can no longer do the Dodgeball recaps due to Steve's absence on the show and we need to erect a shrine in Steve's memory. I am too distraught to go on.
 
(C-Note: Gooooooordon.... *holds a red ball, points at Gordon, starts to wind-up a 70 mph monster*)
 
Well... that would be a good incentive to go on. Heh. Now for the Mafia, who are described this way by Zach, "They got bigger, they got stronger, and they got rid of Amazon Beard." Ouch....
 
Barbell Mafia
Jeramy Freeman - 6'0", 290, 47 MPH - The mountain, who is now the team captain, is back... 
Tyrone Rush - 6'0", 200, 55 MPH - but it's THIS guy you have to watch out for as he had 36 kills
Alan Grimes - 5'"10, 360, 45 MPH is also back. Let's see if he can stop
himself from crossing the line, which he was second in the league in doing (only Kenny Sanchez from the defunct Battalion was worse)
Melissa Coates - The blonde bodybuilder is 5'5", 150 and 37 MPH. She could also probably beat me to a bloody pulp.
Vanessa 'Scorpion' Altman - At 5'9", 155 and a 31 MPH shot, she could also probably kick my can. 
 
Can the Mafia get revenge on last year's match? Mary Strong notes that the CPA's were goofing around, while everyone else was hard at work. Bill notes that no defending team has ever repeated - well that's because that this is only the second season.
 
Round 1 - Spigel and McKinney both step over the line while Costanza gets tagged. Pospich gets eliminated and Sommers gets called out by holding both balls for more than 5 seconds. The Mafia win on a 5-0 shut out as the CPA's looked more like the Sumos (Mafia leads, 1-0).
 
Round 2 - In the Big Ball Round, McKinney and Sommers get takes out immediately, Altman is the first person out by the Mafia, but Pospich and Spigel get taken out. Costanza is left, and it looks like the CPA is staring at loss #1, but he makes the full 20 seconds and his team gets regenerated. The CPA's knock everyone out and only Grimes is left. Can he regenerate? No, as Costanza hits Grimes on the arm while he is holding the Big Ball (Tied 1-1). 
 
Regardless, Rush says that it's their team's day. in Round 3 - Spigel and Grimes are the DMW, and Altman and McKinney both go over the line. Pospich and Freeman are eliminated. Sommers gets knocked out, but Costanza takes care of Rush off of Waltrin's fake out seen earlier. Costanza's throw's gets caught by Grimes, which brings back Altman and it's now Spigel who is all alone. Spigel, however, survives the 20 seconds and completes the regeneration, and Grimes gets taken out by a returning Costanza. The CPA's keep their undefeated streak alive - barely. (CPA's win, 2-1).
 
Can you handle all of this excitement? Well, we have one more match...
Match 4 - M.A.D. Vs. Bling. Line-up -

M.A.D. - Gary 'Spaz' Davis (Captain), Mark Van Norden, Tarone Cathcart, Anna Bartsch and Marie Philman. I know as much about them as you do.
 
Bling - Adam Ullberg is the captain, but Frank Frisoli supposedly has the
best arm. Portis Hershey, Mia Parlor and Alvina Carroll round out the roster.
 
Round 1 - Portis and Carroll are out early, but Tarone and Marie get taken
out in a double-kill. Spaz crosses the line, leaving Bartsch all alone. She
survives the 20 second regeneration time, and her whole team is back. Frisoli and Ullberg quickly fall, and Parlor is now all alone, but she goes on the offensive - which is a mistake because Philman catches her shot. (MAD leads, 1-0)
 
Round 2 - Cathcart steps over the line, while Hershey steps over the line. The M.A.D. once again get knocked down to Bartsch, but she not only survives the 20 seconds, she takes out Frisoli in the process. Ullberg's shot gets caught by Philman. Parlor is the only person left, but her crouching in a ball and using the Big Ball as cover gets her own team back in. Bartsch catches another shot as Cathcart comes back in - and then quickly gets tagged out. Hershey is out and only Carroll is left. She gets tagged out while trying to exchange balls, and MAD completes the sweep (M.A.D. win, 2-0).

The women of M.A.D. can catch the balls - shades of Sommers? Speaking of Bartsch, she is nominated as a player of the week. Rush and Long are the other 2. Who would you vote for? I would vote for Bartsch, who is going to make M.A.D. a very nasty team to deal with.
 
Sure the season is early, but let's see some standings -

The player of the week is Bartch, by 50% over Long (40%) and Rush (20%). Wait a second - that's 110%! I've heard of giving it your 110%, but that's a little silly. Then again, the whole show is supposed to be a little silly. We end it with the pleasantries and we are out.
 
My take? This should be another fun season. Waltrin makes the Response very dangerous, and them the women who catch make M.A.D. just as dangerous - but the CPA has yet to take a loss. Ratings?
 
Favorites - CPA (Of course)
Legitimate Threat - Armed Response, Barbell Mafia, M.A.D.
Contenders - Reef Sharks, Ink. Inc.
Dark Horse - Delta Force, Bling

(C-Note: Gordon, I'm going to have to cut you off here. I just got a telegram... 95 percent of dodgeballers who could kick your ass don't care what you think. Go ahead and wrap it up...)
 
Thanks for reading - and we'll see more balls flying next week.