PIT STOP: ROUND HILL PLANTATION, MONTEGO BAY, JAMAICA

12 hours...eat...sleep...blah blah blah... and, at 2:37am EST, Rob & Kelly depart on the final leg:

The gloves are, apparently, off as Team American Beauties ask the desk clerk to call them a cab... and to not, under ANY circumstances, get one for any other team. Of course, the clerk will have none of it. When Team Survivor departs one minute later, they easily trail their foes towards the street. When Rob suggests they split the fare, Kelly flat-out says "NO!" As they get in, Rob tries to talk the driver into calling ANOTHER cab for them... and Ron tries to talk him OUT of doing that.

Ten minutes behind Rob & Amber, Uchenna & Joyce depart the final PIT STOP. Broke that they are, they, of course, must beg for money. But the desk clerk can't help them. They ask a nearby ambulance for a ride to Lucea, confident they can beg for bread at the airport... but the hospital vehicle isn't going anywhere.

LUCEA, JAMAICA

OK, Team American Beauties have a cabbie without clue one where this onion shack is. As such, it's Team Survivor who arrives there first and grabs their onions. While Ron & Kelly tail a cop to the place, Team Will Race For Food finally gets a ride by a friendly local. But... they head for the airport first, not wanting to start on their tasks until they know they can afford life back in the U.S. of A.

Rob & Amber haul their sack to the kitchen shack and start the tear-jerking process of chopping them up. Right behind them are Ron & Kelly. Meanwhile, at the airport, Uchenna & Joyce start what they hope they won't HAVE to do to make a living: begging. But... they're getting nowhere. Joyce is starting to cry and get majorly discouraged... but, as the sun starts to rise, they start finding more generous suckers... er, tourists to give them enough money to at LEAST hail a cab to Lucea.

Chop, chop, chop, o/~ the teams are ma-a-a-arching o/~ But, as you may expect, it's Rob & Amber that skins the onions faster. Ron & Kelly aren't that far behind, so Team Survivor quickly get their next clue:

They take off... but Team American Beauties are right behind them, having been all cried out in the LAST leg. As they leave, Uchenna & Joyce... well, they're having troubles finding the onion shack. But I'm sure they'll soon be on they're way to...

ROSE HALL, JAMAICA

Once again, it's a tie as the front two teams arrive at the plantation. They hurry to the Route Marker and discover the final:

Well, who really has time to horse around? Both teams decide to TEE IT UP. As they go in to dress up in tacky clothes even Al Czervik would shy away from, Team Will Race For Food has NOT given up yet. They grab their onions and get down to slicing and dicing them.

And, speaking of "slicing", that's exactly what our four Vijay Singh wannabes are doing. That is, when they can actually HIT the ball! Kelly is the worst; Annika Sorenstam she AIN'T! Ball after ball after ball go sailing iin the wrong direction.

Then, like Roy "Tin Cup" MacAvoy, Rob wails on it again... and... IT'S IN DA HOLE! IT'S IN DA... well, actually, it's in the circle. But that's close enough for jazz. Team Survivor once again leaves a task in first... and gets THIS clue:

After getting out of the tacky clothing, Rob & Amber hop into a cab for the airport. Now, Rob, being the resourceful lad, thought to bring a timetable from Air Jamaica WITH him so that he & Amber can look up the next available flight. As they haul for the airport, Kelly finally channels Michelle Wie and gets one in the right area. They head out for the airport as well.

At the airport, Team Survivor get some ugly news. They can't get on the plane they chose unless they go to the ticket counter. The WORSE news is that the ticket counter won't sell them tickets. Quickly, they scramble to find another airline... and they FIND an American Airlines flight to San Juan that has been delayed. They quickly get booked for it... just as Ron & Kelly arrive. They spy Rob & Amber and try to get on the same flight. No dice. Team American Beauties are stuck watching Team Survivor's plane disappear into the eastern skies.

Oh, right... there's another team.

Well, Uchenna & Joyce make easy work of the onions and head for the plantation, still not wanting to quit. They decide to TEE IT UP as well at the last DETOUR and they start to swing... while Ron & Kelly try to book a 12:40pm flight on American to...

SAN JUAN, PUERTO RICO

o/~ Puerto Rico, you lovely island... land of tropic diseases o/~

Team Survivor hopes to get off the island in a hurry (and not necessarily by being voted off, either). They find their vehicle and take a drive through Old San Juan towards the fort. Upon arriving there, there retrieve this:

Sounds simple enough. Well,... except that, just like every other developed city in the world, San Juan has its traffic problems. So, as they sit in traffic...

...Ron & Kelly board their OWN flight to the P.R...

...and Uchenna does a "Tiger Woods" and finishes the DETOUR in record time. They quickly head for the airport to find that they're the only team there. The next flight out is at just before 5pm. PLENTY of time to beg for more money.

AGUADILLA, PUERTO RICO

The traffic is brutal, and Rob & Amber are getting a TOUCH annoyed. It takes most of the afternoon to get to the refinery. And, when they show up, they find it closed. And the sign out front?

"HOURS OF OPERATION: 7:30am to 5pm"

DAMMIT! They lost there lead! And they are NOT happy! Still, they decide that, if they don't have their health, they don't have anything. So they check into a hotel for a proper night's rest.

As they settle in, Ron & Kelly set down in San Juan. They drive to Aguadilla and find out the same thing: it's a three-way tie again. Unlike Team Survivor, though, they decide to sleep in the car so that they can be first in line.

A distraught but still determined Team Will Race For Food lands late. They likewise hit the fort, then head for the refinery. Of all three teams, they are the most ELATED that the place is closed! They had been behind all leg... and, now, they're back in it!

As 7:30 fast approached, six Americans - having already traveled in a wide loop around the world - ready themselves for the final push. This would, most likely, be the last day of the Race... and they wanted to get through it quickly.

The gates are open, the lights are on... it's Racer-fighting time!

At the clue box, all three find out it's the last:

Amber HAS to do it, and Ron and Uchenna decide to take the Nestea(TM) Plunge as well. But... well, Rob & Amber must not have gotten enough sleep because they head in the ENTIRELY wrong way! Uchenna and Ron, however, have no problem finding the bridge. Ron is the first to jump (guess that military training paid off), but Uchenna isn't too far behind as he takes the leap. Ron & Amber finally re-orient themselves and get Amber out on the bridge.

But Ron is the first to the buoy and the first to be carried back to Kelly. The clue Ron has says this:

(W-wait... the Amazing Race was practically in my backyard...AND I MISSED SEEING IT?!?!? WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!)

Right behind the POW is the married baldie, doing his best to keep pace with them. Amber finally leaps... but despite her months on islands, she's not that good a swimmer. In fact, she's exhausted when she gets to the shoreline and Rob has to CARRY her to the car. By this time, the other two teams are long gone... and Kelly is doing some piss-poor back-seat driving.

Team Survivor arrive back where they landed less than 20 hours ago. The 10am flight to Miami is booked so they get tickets for a slightly later flight leaving at 11:15am.

But, being smart, they look to see if they can get on the 10am flight. They are placed on the stand-by list... and, lo-and-behold, they make it! They get on board and sigh in relief as the plane door closes...

...just as Team Will Race For Food arrive. They try to get on the flight, but the ticket agent is not having it. And, when they find out that Rob & Amber are on board, they start to beg and plead even MORE than when they were doing it for money! And, after talking it over with the pilot, they move the boarding platform back into position and let them on board. As they see the married couple passing by, all Rob can say is, "This sucks!"

Meanwhile, Team American Beauties finally stop bickering long enough to get to the airport and book their flight on the 11:15 to...

MIAMI, FLORIDA, USA

At the home of Gloria Estefan, Sonny Crockett and David Caruso, the first plane touches down at Miami International, over 2300 miles from where they took their FIRST flight out of the US a few weeks ago. Rob & Amber and Uchenna & Joyce run right out to the cabs (Team Survivor actually left their backpacks on the plane as not to be weighed down) and head for the Rickenbacker. As Ron & Kelly board THEIR flight, Rob & Amber arrives at the clue box first, roughly nine miles from the airport. Their next clue:

(What they DON'T know is that almost every cigar store in Little Havana has a Spanish name. "King of the Havanas" translates into Spanish as "El Rey De Los Habanos", which is what the store is really called.)

As they head off, Uchenna & Joyce arrive, grab the clue and head for the Cuban neighborhood. Both teams have trouble finding the place. Both teams get directions from locals. Both take the cabs to where they were told.

Rob & Amber's info was wrong.

Uchenna & Joyce's... was right on! And the proprietor hands the couple their final clue of the Race:

The GOOD news is that they're in prime position to win this Race! The BAD news... they may not have enough money for the cab ride up I-95. Meanwhile, Team Survivor temporarily lose their cab and try to find the place on foot. As Team Will Race For Food gets closer to Ft. Lauderdale (and to bankrupcy), Rob & Amber DO find the right shop and take off towards...

FINISH LINE!: BONNET HOUSE GARDENS, FORT LAUDERDALE, FLORIDA, USA

The couple can just TASTE their chances of having a child one way or another. However, the cabbie says they're not going ANYWHERE because they still owe $25 for the ride. They frantically ask passer-bys for funds...

...while Rob & Amber close in...

...and Ron & Kelly arrive in Miami and get their clue to Little Havana.

Phil Keoghan stands at the most claustrophobic (and, yet, most beautiful) FINISH LINE yet: the lush gardens in the Bonnet House. Sixteen Americans that had to bow out of the Race during its length line the one and only trail to the huge red-and-black platform.

Suddenly, a rustling is heard down the path...

...and a twosome emerges and jogs towards Phil, big smiles on their faces.

The other teams - Ryan & Chuck (Team Dukes Of Landrum, 11th), Megan & Heidi (Team Cali Roomies, 10th), Debbie & Bianca (Team Well-Travelled Babes, 9th), Susan & Patrick (Team First Mom-Son, 8th), Ray & Deana (Team On-Again-Off-Again, 7th), Brian & Greg (Team Barroom Bros, 6th), Lynn & Alex (Team Fab Two, 5th) and Meredith & Gretchen (Team Socially Secure, 4th) - applaud the couple towards the mat. They hit the platform and jump for joy, hugging Phil and starting to cry... and looking a bit shocked, to say the least.

Phil then says those wonderful words:

"Five continents,... 25 cities and more than 40,000 miles... Uchenna & Joyce, you are the official winners of The Amazing Race! Congratulations! You have won one million dollars!!"

Team Will Race For Food, the ones I said were the sentimental faves to win, have, indeed, won! What are they going to do next? Why, they're going to... have a baby! Whether through in vitro fertilization or adoption, they WILL have a child of their own at last!

A few minutes later, Team Survivor comes jogging in. They worked so hard to sneak their way to the top spot... but it was too little, too late. Phil proclaims them the silver medalists of this Race. But Rob & Amber have no antipathy towards Uchenna & Joyce as they raced one helluva Race.

It's some time before Ron & Kelly arrive. Team American Beauties are proclaimed Team # 3. But, of course, the end of the Race essentially means the end of the relationship between them. As was stated before, she's ready for marriage... and he's not. They may still be friends, but the prisoner of war refuses - right now, anyway - to be a prisoner of love.

Yeah, you know the rest: hugs and hand-pounds all around, final words from the winners, gather round the platform and clap... fade to black.

And, remember, the NEXT Amazing Race is supposed to be a FAMILY version. I swear... if even ONE kid whines, "Are we there yet?!" during the duration...