PIT STOP: MAKGADIKGADI PANS, BOTSWANA

From South America to South Africa, the Racers sped. Some search through tunnels (and got bloody in the process) while others gave tokens to tribes... and Ray & Deana (Team On-Again-Off-Again) came in first after tight-roping a FAST FORWARD. Meredith & Gretchen (Team Socially Secure) were the ones who got bloodied and, as such, came in last. However, they were not "Philiminated"; they just had to give up everything but their passports and the clothes on their backs as they trailed the pack into Botswana. There, the Racers speared defenseless bags, ground corn into flour and sucked water through reeds to make it to their beds on a salt plain at the end of the Kalahari Desert. Ron & Kelly (Team American Beauties) won a foot race against Rob & Amber (Team Survivor) to land themselves in first... and, though Brian & Greg (Team Barroom Bros) overturned their Hummer, they beat Team On-Again-Off to the finish line... and the arguing couple (who gave Jonathan & Victoria a run for the Most Dysfunctional Couple Award) WERE eliminated!

As the sun starts to peek over the horizon at 5:29am local time, Team American Beauties rip open the first clue of the seventh leg:

Kelly leaves with Biblical words of wisdom... while Rob wonders why they're not on each other's nerves right about now. 14 minutes later (must've been a goof in editing or a small penalty last time), Team Survivor departs, HAPPY that they get along and ready to take on everybody. Not too far behind them is Uchenna & Joyce (Team Will Race For Food) who are glad to be on "native soil". On THEIR heels is Lynn & Alex (Team Fab Two), calling themselves good, honest (if not SNEAKY) players. It's about ten minutes before Team Socially Secure leaves, still with no clothes but at LEAST with some money. Finally, with a little nod to a former money-making game show on CBS ("Big bucks, big buucks, no Whammiiiies...<RIP!>), Team Barroom Bros leave... probably driving a LITTLE more cautiously than before.

Ron & Kelly argue about which direction to go in... Rob & Amber run into an "ostrich crossing"... Uchenna & Joyce are passed by Lynn & Alex as cows block the road... Meredith & Gretchen arrive at A water tower, but not THE one they need to be at (they haven't even got to Maun yet)... Brian & Greg LIKEWISE go to the wrong tower... but, one way or another, they're being led to...

SANKUYO VILLAGE, BOTSWANA

Ron & Kelly are, of course, first to arrive at the RIGHT tower... and to have to deal with another:

 

Team American Beauties decide to MILK IT... at first. But, after seeing some of the women, Ron convinces Kelly to try CARRY IT instead. But it isn't as easy as Ron thinks, even WITH the towel ring for help. The locals laugh at him as he fumbles with the bucket of water... and he tells Kelly that SHE should be able to do it, being from a ballet background. Finally, they decide to chuck it and do MILK IT instead.

As they head to the goats, Team Survivor arrives and decides to MILK IT as well. As Team Barroom Bros gets lost at ANOTHER tower, the two couples head for the goat pen. Ron & Kelly drag two goats to the hitching post... though Ron almost loses one when Kelly lets go of it to tie the other up. After grabbing two more goats, Rob & Amber arrive to get THEIR goats (Rob & Amber's LITERAL goats, not Ron & Kelly's FIGURATIVE "goats"). But Rob & Amber likewise see the natives' balancing act and decides to try it out. Amber does well with the sticks... but Rob... not so much with the corn. Rob ALSO decides that milking goats would be easier than BEING a goat, so... it's back to the pens where Ron & Kelly are on their way... though not without Ron b*tching the whole way that Kelly COULD have done CARRY IT.

As the other teams search for the tower (some enjoying the view more than others), Team Survivor catches up to Team American Beauties. As they work side-by-side, Team Fab Two, Team Socially Secure and Team Will Race For Food all arrive at the tower at just about the same time. While the gay lovers and the elderly couple choose to milk, the bankrupt couple decide to see if they can live up to their ancestral heritage. As Ron & Kelly argue some more, Rob coax Amber into completing the task slowly and carefully. When Lynn & Alex realize how LONG the two teams have been milking, they decide (of course) to try the balancing act. Meredith & Gretchen, however, do NOT change their minds and look for goats to squeeze. Uchenna & Joyce, also, won't change their minds... yet.

Team Fab Two and Team Will Race For Food compete at the same time. Sure enough, Uchenna & Joyce seem to be NATURALS at this balancing act... while Lynn & Alex, despite convincing each other that it's like runway modeling, obviously have mistaken The Amazing Race for Africa's Next Top Model and don't seem to be getting anywhere. As one couple gets the corn across, the other RE-changes their minds and gets to milking.

Soon, four teams are milking goats at the same time (though I'm sure Lynn & Alex and trying DESPERATELY not to do something ELSE) while Uchenna & Joyce continue their star balancing act. Uchenna has the water bucket down to a science... while Joyce is a little more cautious. As Kelly stays back from Ron as he works, Rob & Amber ask for a measurement... but it's a LITTLE short of the line. As such, Ron finishes the task first and keeps him & Kelly in the lead with this clue:

As they split, they argue about the task... though not very loudly or heartedly. As they head down the path, Team Survivor gets another measuring and THIS time succeeds, staying in second. As the other two teams yank the goat-teats for all they're worth, Joyce all but crawls towards the end with the bucket and she and Uchenna go back for the sticks. This is MUCH easier for Joyce and the couple jumps into third. As Stuart Scott would say, "They made they kinfolk proud: Pookie, Ray-Ray, Konesha, Baby-Daddy..." As they haul for the river, Team Socially Secure finish THEIR cup in fourth... and openly argue about where the hell the Khwai River is. This gives Team Fab Two some confidence that they'll get lost... but the elders ask for directions before heading out. Lynn & Alex FINALLY finish their cup in fifth and head off after them.

And... what about Brian & Greg? Well, they FINALLY arrive at the RIGHT tower and decide to MILK IT. They rush in, grab and tie the goats and start to yank at their udders with abandon.

Meanwhile, miles ahead of them, the other five teams are TRULY on a safari through the bush. There are antelope, there are zebra... and, HOUSTON, WE HAVE AN ELEPHANT! Or so says Uchenna as they drive VERY CLOSE to one. But... not everyone is enjoying this ride. Meredith & Gretchen were given lousy directions and look like they're going the wrong way. And Lynn & Alex... well, their Hummer springs a leak and they must wait for a replacement. Remember, the Rules of the Race say they can either fix it themselves (yeah, right!) or wait for a replacement. Either way, they cannot make up the lost time. Fortunately, their replacement car isn't TOO far away. Plus, as mentioned, they're not in last yet.

KHWAI RIVER, BOTSWANA

Ron & Kelly and Rob & Amber stop at the clue box nearly together and find a:

Rob and Ron choose to do it... and they PLOW through the river. Rob's vehicle actually has water coming through the dashboard! As they move on, Uchenna & Joyce arrive at the ROAD BLOCK and Uchenna chooses to drive... though Joyce is a back-seat driver. And, when they're half-way across the river, they stall. It's not for long, though, as they continue down the path.

Meanwhile, it turns out that Meredith & Gretchen were going the right way after all. They actually MAKE it to the ROAD BLOCK, Meredith deciding to drive. As they likewise get a cab full of water, Lynn & Alex arrive and Alex decides to do it... though, after reading the FULL clue, he wonders WHY he's doing it. Still, he can't change his mind and plans to plod through it.

Back at the goats, Team Barroom Bros - who are WAY in last - finally get their cup running over and heads on the road to the river.

The battle of the two teams in front continues as they reach their roads and head for their logs. Rob is first out of the car and to hook up his first tree to the Hummer grill, though Ron is not far behind. They both clear their first logs and move on.

Team Will Race For Food arrives at the multi-fork and drive straight up to the log before realizing they have to take out the path. Uchenna takes the route marker... but not the post. Hmmm... wonder if that'll cost them? (FORESHADOWING) He clears his first log as Rob clears his second.

Meanwhile, back behind the river, there's a REASON Alex doesn't like the idea: he never learned to drive a stick-shift... which is what these Hummers are. But Lynn walks him through it and they plow through the river.

Rob finishes his task and goes forward to find the next clue hanging on a branch:

Team Survivor take off for the PIT STOP as Ron finishes HIS task... but Kelly is not happy with him after he told her to "just chill a minute". But... it's a misunderstanding, since Kelly though Ron had said "Shut the f*** up." They head for the PIT STOP as Uchenna is almost right behind them in third.

Meredith gets to the fork, takes a post and starts his task. And Lynn & Alex... they run into MORE trouble; they have a flat tire. (Something tells me this is ONE Hummer they DIDN'T need.) Again, they can fix it themselves or wait for ANOTHER replacement. Three guesses as to which one THEY choose (and the first two don't count). As Meredith completes his first log, Team Fab Two get a new ride.

PIT STOP: KHWAI RIVER LODGE, BOTSWANA

On the edge of this preserve in northern Botswana, a Hummer pulls up at the lodge... followed by another. It's another foot race (and THIS time it really LOOKS like one) between Team American Beauties and Team Survivor. And the two to hit the mat in front of Phil Keoghan and the native greeter first is...

"Rob & Amber, you're TEAM NUMBER ONE!" For the THIRD time, Team Survivor has won a leg. And, for the third time, they've one a Travelocity vacation, THIS time to Monte Carlo on the French Riviera! Right behind them is Ron & Kelly as Team # 2... though Ron is a little RELIEVED that they've finally started getting under each other's skin.

Team Will Race For Food arrives and Phil says to them, "You are the third team to arrive." You would think two people who worked for big-time companies would've gotten the subtle hint that they're not "Team # 3", but they don't... until Phil adds, "However... you did not finish the ROAD BLOCK correctly." So... they have to haul back and find out what they did wrong. As they drive back, Joyce re-reads the clue... and they realize their mistake.

Back at the ROAD BLOCK, Meredith gets to his second log while Alex removes the next-to-last post, moving on to HIS first tree. Lynn doesn't help; he just provides positive reinforcement.

Well, well, well... look who's joined the party? It's Brian & Greg aftet nearly running into an elephant (which is no easy task, mind you). They get to the ROAD BLOCK and it's Greg's turn so he gets behind the wheel. Meanwhile, Uchenna finds and grabs the post and hauls back... just as Meredith finishes HIS task. But... he drives RIGHT PAST the PIT STOP clue while reading the ROAD BLOCK clue (let this be a lesson; NEVER read and drive). Don't have to tell you that THIS could be trouble.

Uchenna & Joyce are NOW checked-in as Team # 3. And Meredith & Gretchen arrive at the PIT STOP as the fourth team to arrive. But the Rules of the Race state that ALL CLUES on a leg must be collected before checking in... and they missed one... and Phil wonders how they founf out how to get there. Ut-oh... back to the ROAD BLOCK...

...where Alex completes the second log and to the PIT STOP clue. Lynn gets back behind the wheel and cheers for Alex. As they head for the lodge (with Alex worried that they'll be eliminated or, worse, stripped), Greg gets his first log out of the way. As Team Fab Two gets checked-in as Team # 4 (with Alex wearing almost their entire combined wardrobe in case it was a non-elimination leg), all they can say is, "What?!"

Meredith drive back and finds his last clue... just as Greg finishes the ROAD BLOCK and head on to the same clue. But, while Team Socially Secure drive off to the PIT STOP, Team Barroom Bros put on their swimsuits only, ready to DARE Phil to say it's a non-elimination leg!

A team hits the mat and Phil proclaims:

"Meredith & Gretchen, you're Team # 5!"

And, sure enough, Team Barroom Bros march in in nothing but swimsuits, scarves and ski caps. Phil can't help but smile. But... the bad news is that they've been eliminated. Or... is that GOOD news, since they won't be trekking through cold mountains that way? Well, whatever, they went out in style!