"Romance" - July
Since the guys are
in Paris, the episode opens predictably with a shot of
the Eiffel Tower as some sappy French accordion music
plays in the background. Just as predictably, we then
see Le Arc de Triomphe (with some scaffolding beside
it for repairs?), and then the 3 remaining himbos
acting goofy in the streets. Jerry Hall narrates, I
brought the boys to the City of Love hoping that it
would inspire them to impress me. [Ummm
is the City of Lights dear.] Each of the guys gets a
so-called private date with Jerry.
Anwar rhapsodizes about how great Paris is, and how it
is the cultural center of all Europe. Interspersed are
quick shots of a Louis Vuitton shop decorated to look
like one of his signature chests, the Notre Dame
Cathedral, and yes, not to worry, the Eiffel Tower
again with lots of twinkly lights. Seth bitches about
Anwar being so fake around Jerry and acting like he
feels as if he is better than the other guys. However,
he still think Anwars Mr. Smooth routine will
really pay off in Paris. Austen hopes he redeem
himself in Paris after his previous lousy private date
with Jerry. Jerry continues: Having gotten rid of the
obviously flawed ones, its gotten down to the three I
The 3 musketeers all toast each other with champagne
in their hotel room while wearing matching bathrobes.
[I am sure Anwar is thinking, One for all, and all
for Anwar!] They guys apparently had a hospitality
basket of fruit and wine, and decided to partake.
Theres a knock at the door, and they find Alain
Ricci, a Paris restauranteur, who comes to teach the
guys how to be smooth and romantic on their dates.
[Alain looks a lot like the German actor Jurgen
Prochnow, but I cant find any pictures of Alain on
the internet for you, I guess he isnt famous enough.]
Jerry has asked me to teach you about romance,
Parisian-style [Is that like a Mongolian Cluster
F***?]. Over the next few days youll have to spend
some alone time with Jerry. [Aww
I guess it isnt.]
Youll have to learn about food, wine, and love. You
will even have to purchase an outfit shell wear on
your date. Alain tells them that they will be going
out on individual dates, but that the two guys who
werent on the date would be helping out. [So much for
any real alone time] He plans to meet the guys later
that evening, and Seth is looking forward to another
Night in Paris:
What else do we see, but the freakin Eiffel Tower
again! [Youd think the cameramen and editors have a
penile fetish or something. ] The guys go to
MaisonBlanche [The White House, will George and Laura
be there?] to meet Alain. Anwar says it must be a
top-notch restaurant because when we turn around
Boom! theres the Eiffel Tower staring at us through
the window. [Ok, Ok, enough already. We get it! The
Eiffel Tower is in Paris. Please stop!] The guys and
Alain all toast each other with champagne again, and
Alain asks them, Do you know why we did this? First
you look at the glass. Then you touch the glass. Then
you can smell [the wine], then you taste it. One sense
is missing: Noise [Close enough I guess. It should be
hearing, but I digress]. All the senses are involved
when you shuck [clink] the glasses. [Nice thought,
Jurgen, but I think youre full of crap. I much prefer
the explanation that the tradition of toasting and
clinking glasses relates to proving you havent
poisoned your guests wine.
Alain gives them tips like:
1) When ordering, ask the waiter what dishes they
suggest, since they know their restaurant and supplies
better than you do.
2) When paying the bill, excuse yourself from the
table, so that your lady doesnt have to observe the
transaction. Yeah, just be cool and classy. Austen
jokingly asks about maybe excusing yourself and
leaving the check with the girl and never coming back.
As Alain leaves, Seth says Thank You and smacks him
on the ass.
Rachel and Jerry go out for some fine Parisian
shopping. They head out to Hermes but get locked
outside with Oprah [Joke], so they go to Prada
instead. Jerry tries on a black sparkly, sequined
dress, while Rachel models a bustier and skirt
ensemble. They pretend to be concerned about the
prices, but just end up buying everything in sight.
They need help carrying all the bags and boxes
outside. When one of the three porters cant fit
everything into the cars trunk, I think Jerry said
something like, Let them eat cake! [Next week
Jerrys assistant will take everything back to the
store and ask for a refund.]
The guys are all driven to Paco Rabanne to buy outfits
for Jerry to wear on their individual dates. [http://www.pacorabanne.com/]
Anwar immediately homes in on a dress that screams
Jerry all over it. It screams sexy, yet sensual, yet
spiritual. [Unfortunately, it also screams Im
tasteless and ugly, but Anwar doesnt listen.] Its a
buff-colored see through dress with a faux jewelry
necklace and belt, with glass stones the size of
lemons. Seth says of the merchandise, Shes not
wearing this crap, is she? Austen picks out a hideous
print blouse, that the saleslady says is perfect [Cest
perfect]. Seth complains that no one else seemed to
be paying any attention to what Jerry was wearing
through this whole show. Hes not happy with what the
shop has to offer, and asks if they have anything more
in the back. The saleslady holds up some fish-scale
armor and looks at Seth like hes the idiot. Seth
says, I knew Jerry dressed casual
She wears flats,
she wears pants. I wasnt gonna get her all gussied
up. He eventually settles for a white, somewhat
Western rodeo blouse and black pants. Then he asks
whether they give cash for returns, apparently
expecting her to dislike all of their choices.
A bellhop brings the clothes Anwar has picked out to
Jerry in her room at The Four Seasons. Jerry describes
the dress as a very nasty nylon body-stocking and
some kind of belly-dancing jewelry that fell off the
minute I put it on. Anwar arrives, wearing a dapper
pin-stripe suit, wondering where the dress he bought
was. Jerry lies and says that she thought it would be
a bit chilly, so she wore something else. Anwar says
that she looks beautiful [with an implied anyway].
Cut to a commercial, and then back to the show, with a
view of the Seine and, you guessed it, the Eiffel
Tower at night. [Aauugghh! I cant stand it anymore.]
Anwar is taking Jerry on a dinnertime river cruise.
Austen and Seth are there to help out, and they will
be doing the cooking and serving. Well, not really;
all they had to do was nuke the food in a microwave
oven and put it on the plates. Anwar takes a trip to
the galley to tell Austen and Seth how its gonna
work. When Anwar winks, they have to leave him and
Jerry alone, and when he coughs he needs them to come
and help out. Seths response is, What a <<(^_^)ing>>
idiot. Im definitely spitting in your food for that
one. Seth and Austen decide to toast every course
with some alcohol in the galley. They start with wine,
but quickly move onto the hard spirits, drinking
directly from the bottle. I saw some Absolut Citron
and several others. During the cuts between EVERY
SINGLE SCENE they show the friggin EIFFEL TOWER AGAIN
and AGAIN and AGAIN.
Jerry and Anwar have a nice conversation. Jerry says
that When you have several choices, always pick the
one that is the most fun. Jerry asks for more wine,
and wonders if Anwar drinks at all, because he only
has juice at the table. Anwar says that he does drink
and the other guys must have served him juice as a
little joke; but then we see a flashback where Anwar
specifically asks for juice. Then back to the present,
with Anwar saying Its hard to find good help these
days. Austen starts to pour the wine in the galley,
but Seth has to remind him to do it at the table;
This isnt TGI Fridays. Geez, I thought I was the
loose cannon around here. A little later, Anwar
coughs to signal for some service, but the other guys
are getting boozed up in the galley and looking out
the windows [at the Eiffel Tower, of course].
Austen listens in to some of the conversation and says
that Anwar is doing his thing of repeating the last
two words of what people say. Its like if you say,
The river is beautiful tonight, hell be like,
Beautiful tonight. Its some kind of retarded
echo. Then we see Jerry and Anwar talking:
Jerry: Its very sad.
Anwar: Right. Very sad.
Eventually, Austen and Seth get so plastered that they
stop responding to Anwars coughing summons. He and
Jerry go out onto the deck to look at
.the God-damned Eiffel Tower, while Austen and Seth
drink some more champagne to toast Anwars eventual
Back at the hotel, Seth asks Austen, Do you wanna
<<(^_^)in>> trash this place? Lets throw some
<<shit>> off the balcony at least, can you give me
that favor? Then they start chucking fruit off the
balcony onto the not-deserted-at-all street below.
When someone appears to protest, Seth says, Keep it
movin buddy or Im gonna hit you. Keep it goin.
Seth then shows us a Stupid-Human-Trick worthy of
David Letterman: he smacks lightbulbs against his head
and pops them. Well, some pop, but most just bounce
off inctact. Then he opens the bathroom door as Austen
is urinating and boots him in the ass, causing him to
fall down while peeing. [My husband tells me that this
practical joke has been played on him, and that it is
virtually impossible to stop the urine flow while
drunk, so you end up pissing all over yourself and the
floor. Good one Seth.] Anwar returns and wonders why
Seth is still drinking, since his date with Jerry is
at 8 oclock the next morning.
Back from commercial = Eiffel Tower, again. The room
looks pretty trashed, and the guys obviously opened
the mini-bar and drank most of the booze from those
tiny single-serving bottles. Seth gets up and moans;
hes really hungover. He calls the front desk to ask
for some Visine. Anwar and Austen wonder if Seth is
even taking it seriously (actually, Seth wonders that
too). Austen asks Seth how he feels: I feel like
Jerry gets Seths outfit and purrs appreciatively as
she takes it out of the bags. Jerry also puts on a
beret, although its not clear if she did this on her
own or if it was part of Seths ensemble. [Probably
Jerry: I love my cowboy outfit.
Seth: You like it! Oh, you really did wear it.
Jerry is very impressed that Seth picked out something
she would actually wear.
They get into the car and Seth tells Jerry he is
taking her to Chuck E. Cheese. Well, I guess in France
it is Charles Fromage. Actually, he takes her to the
Cantin Affineur fromages de tradition cheese shop.
They open the door and immediately notice a very
strong smell that Seth likens to dirty feet. Austen
and Anwar are there to serve some cheese. Seth takes a
slice, nibbles at it, makes a terrible face and says,
Mmmm, thats smooth.
Austen: This is a goat cheese from the northwestern
corner of Italy. It takes about five years to make,
and its also drawn heavily on the adrenal glands of
Seth: Well take a pass on that.
Jerry: Hey Seth. You sure know how to show a girl a
good morning. Seth pumps his fist in the air.
Seth: [As they are leaving] That was cheeseriffic!
Next, they walk to a flower shop. Seth exclaims, You
guys work here too? Thats unbelievable, as it is
revealed that Austen and Anwar are already there.
Were doing McDonalds next. You guys gonna be
working there too? Anwar thinks Seth blew it, since
he is having Jerry order her own arrangement. Jerry
isnt too impressed so far.
They next go to a wine shop. Amazingly, Austen and
Anwar are there to greet them. Seth asks if Jerry is
tired. She seems a little ticked off at this, asking
Do I look tired? Seth responds glumly, No. You just
look like you are bored.
Jerry [in a tired voice]: You dress me like a
rhinestone cowgirl. You take me to a cheese shop at 8
Then she cackles like a crazed witch.
Seth then turns on his comic charm, noting that they
are eating Ritz crackers
in Paris! Only the finest.
They get some lamb with truffles for lunch, and it
looks good. Seth isnt too sure what a truffle is, and
Jerry explains that they are very expensive mushrooms.
Seth eats a slice of truffle and declares, Mmm.
Thats good. Seriously. It tastes like
laundry detergent...I think its an acquired
taste. Jerry just laughs again. Jerry finds the fact
that Seth is always just Seth very relaxing. She
finds him to be really good company.
Wow! Finally a scene change without the Eiffel Tower.
Seth returns to the hotel in an upbeat mood, which
scares Austen. The other guys are jealous that Jerry
wore the outfit Seth picked out, although he tells
them she wasnt too excited about the shirt. She was
like, Its too country-western. I was like, Listen
lady, its <<(^_^)ing>> free clothes. Put it on before
I <<(^_^)>>ing kick you right up the ass.
Back from another commercial = Eiffel Tower.
As the bellboy brings Jerry the outfit Austen picked
out, we find out she is in room #336. The accompanying
note by Austen reads, You embody what so many men
search for in their own personal woods. Jerry shakes
her behind a little bit and purrs again. Jerry pulls
out the print blouse and says, I dont think so. As
they meet in the lobby, Austen says that hes glad
shes going out on a date with him, and hes Glad,
uh, Im glad youre not wearing my shirt, too. They
go out to eat at a private room at the La Boheme, an
Italian restaurant owned by Alain Ricci. [Watch out
guys! The waitstaff there are all dying of
or AIDS.] Anwar and Seth get cussed out in
Italian by the chef, and are basically relegated to
only carrying the completed dishes out to the diners.
Austen cant think of anything to talk about. Anglers
vs. canoe paddlers on English rivers [Anyone? Anyone?
Beuhler?] Q: Is Elizabeth still dating Sean Lennon? A:
Theyre just good friends.
Austen: The 50s must have been the weirdest time to
be a young adult. Its like the Beaver Cleaver
lifestyle. [Is Austen trying to suggest that Jerry
was a young adult in the 1950s? She was born June 2,
1956.] She looks at him as if she cant wait for him
to shut up again.
As Austen and Jerry leave, Anwar and Seth pick food
off their plates to stuff their faces. Seth explains
that This is called the bus-bucket buffet.
On the way to a nightclub, Austen asks how Jerrys
kids are doing. Jerry says that they grew up seeing
Keith Richards, so they dont do any drugs. The
limousine stops right in front of the Moulin Rouge,
much to Jerrys disappointment. [There was actually a
considerable amount of trash in the gutter immediately
in front of this swinging nightspot.] Austen only
knew about the Moulin Rouge from the Baz Luhrman movie
of the same name, so he didnt know what to expect.
Jerry is upset that the club is non-smoking. The show
starts, and it is basically topless showgirls and
prancing to inane music.
Jerry: This is REALLY cheesy. Thanks Austen, this is
really great. Loads of girls with big boobs.
Austen [staring intently]: Yeah. Im going home,
first flight direct, non-stop [to] L.A.
Austen had no idea it was going to be a topless show,
but Jerry didnt seem too offended. They begin to clap
with the music and enjoy the show for its
Jerry [to the interview camera]: I think the Moulin
Rouge is incredibly tacky. But Austen seemed to think
so too, so that eased the tension. Austen took me to
the last place I would be caught dead in Paris, but at
least he managed to make it fun.
Jerry [leaving the Moulin Rouge]: I think it was a
tasteful choice. It was a kind of intellectual
Austen: It wasnt so much the music, as the words
started [the day] off with cheese and you finished
Commercial break = another establishing shot of the
The guys bring their packed bags out to a hired care
in front of the hotel. Austen likes the idea of being
able to race off to a European city at the drop of a
hat. Jerry talks with Rachel about her next choice.
Anwar arranged a great date and looks gorgeous, but
cant pick out decent clothing. Jerry thinks he is
really smooth, but Rachel wonders again whether he is
too smooth [Its that jab at your age again, isnt it
Rachel?]. Rachel thinks Anwar is a good actor. Seth
made Jerry laugh, even in a smelly cheese shop at 8:30
in the morning. Rachel asks if Jerry thinks Seth is
smart, but she wont go that far. Seth may not be
cultured enough. Austen makes Jerry smile, and she
thinks she looks better in his company, although he
has seemed rather dull recently. Katy enters the room
[having apparently just got back from shooting the
soft-core porn flick Truth or Dare with my French Au
Pair] and asks Jerry for her next eviction notice.
The guys car pulls up to a helipad and they get out.
On the other side of the building they see Katy and
the two big bodyguards. Katy gives them a little
speech about learning about romance, and one of them
learning about rejection, followed by You cant
always get what you want. Chris takes the notepad and
reads off the first name:
Austen. He silently celebrates as he walks to the
Seth. He says [to Anwar], Check you later,
Anwar says that he is dumb
founded by this decision.
He figures that he was just too perfect, since he
claims other people have told him this before. Jerry
says it was mostly because she couldnt feel that
Anwar was 100% sincere.
Seth and Austen return to an empty house. Jerry treats
the boys to a trip on the London Eye, the worlds
biggest ferris wheel. [And after that, can we get a
funnel cake and cotton candy?!] They are shown a
fantastic apartment for Jerrys kept man. Then, the
final elimination, as the guys face an inquiry by
Jerry and Friends.