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Twelve American males hit up a trip to England in order to woo the former Mrs. Mick Jagger

Recaps by Julie Suchard, GSNN

Host: Jerry Hall
EP: Michael Hirschorn, Kim Rozenfeld, Brandon Riegg, Sam Korkis, Julio Kollerbohm, Michael Canter, Debbie Adler Myers
Packager: VH1
Origin: London, UK
Airs: Thursdays at 9pm ET on VH1

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"Romance" - July 28

Since the guys are in Paris, the episode opens predictably with a shot of the Eiffel Tower as some sappy French accordion music plays in the background. Just as predictably, we then see Le Arc de Triomphe (with some scaffolding beside it for repairs?), and then the 3 remaining himbos acting goofy in the streets. Jerry Hall narrates, “I brought the boys to the ‘City of Love’ hoping that it would inspire them to impress me.” [Ummm…Jerry? Paris is the ‘City of Lights’ dear.] Each of the guys gets a so-called private date with Jerry.

Anwar rhapsodizes about how great Paris is, and how it is the cultural center of all Europe. Interspersed are quick shots of a Louis Vuitton shop decorated to look like one of his signature chests, the Notre Dame Cathedral, and yes, not to worry, the Eiffel Tower again with lots of twinkly lights. Seth bitches about Anwar being so fake around Jerry and acting like he feels as if he is better than the other guys. However, he still think Anwar’s “Mr. Smooth routine” will really pay off in Paris. Austen hopes he redeem himself in Paris after his previous lousy private date with Jerry. Jerry continues: “Having gotten rid of the obviously flawed ones, it’s gotten down to the three I really liked.”

The 3 musketeers all toast each other with champagne in their hotel room while wearing matching bathrobes. [I am sure Anwar is thinking, “One for all, and all for Anwar!”] They guys apparently had a hospitality basket of fruit and wine, and decided to partake. There’s a knock at the door, and they find Alain Ricci, a Paris restauranteur, who comes to teach the guys how to be smooth and romantic on their dates. [Alain looks a lot like the German actor Jurgen Prochnow, but I can’t find any pictures of Alain on the internet for you, I guess he isn’t famous enough.] “Jerry has asked me to teach you about romance, Parisian-style [Is that like a Mongolian Cluster F***?]. Over the next few days you’ll have to spend some alone time with Jerry. [Aww…I guess it isn’t.] You’ll have to learn about food, wine, and love. You will even have to purchase an outfit she’ll wear on your date.” Alain tells them that they will be going out on “individual dates”, but that the two guys who weren’t on the date would be helping out. [So much for any real “alone time”] He plans to meet the guys later that evening, and Seth is looking forward to another free meal.

Night in Paris:
What else do we see, but the freakin’ Eiffel Tower again! [You’d think the cameramen and editors have a penile fetish or something. ] The guys go to MaisonBlanche [The White House, will George and Laura be there?] to meet Alain. Anwar says it must be a “top-notch restaurant” because “when we turn around – Boom! – there’s the Eiffel Tower staring at us through the window.” [Ok, Ok, enough already. We get it! The Eiffel Tower is in Paris. Please stop!] The guys and Alain all toast each other with champagne again, and Alain asks them, “Do you know why we did this? First you look at the glass. Then you touch the glass. Then you can smell [the wine], then you taste it. One sense is missing: Noise [Close enough I guess. It should be ‘hearing’, but I digress]. All the senses are involved when you shuck [clink] the glasses.” [Nice thought, Jurgen, but I think you’re full of crap. I much prefer the explanation that the tradition of toasting and clinking glasses relates to proving you haven’t poisoned your guests’ wine.]

Alain gives them tips like:
1) When ordering, ask the waiter what dishes they suggest, since they know their restaurant and supplies better than you do.
2) When paying the bill, excuse yourself from the table, so that your lady doesn’t have to observe the transaction. “Yeah, just be cool and classy.” Austen jokingly asks about maybe excusing yourself and leaving the check with the girl and never coming back.
As Alain leaves, Seth says “Thank You” and smacks him on the ass.

Rachel and Jerry go out for some fine Parisian shopping. They head out to Hermes but get locked outside with Oprah [Joke], so they go to Prada instead. Jerry tries on a black sparkly, sequined dress, while Rachel models a bustier and skirt ensemble. They pretend to be concerned about the prices, but just end up buying everything in sight. They need help carrying all the bags and boxes outside. When one of the three porters can’t fit everything into the car’s trunk, I think Jerry said something like, “Let them eat cake!” [Next week Jerry’s “assistant” will take everything back to the store and ask for a refund.]

The guys are all driven to Paco Rabanne to buy outfits for Jerry to wear on their individual dates. [] Anwar immediately homes in on a dress that “screams Jerry all over it. It screams sexy, yet sensual, yet spiritual.” [Unfortunately, it also screams “I’m tasteless and ugly,” but Anwar doesn’t listen.] It’s a buff-colored see through dress with a faux jewelry necklace and belt, with glass ‘stones’ the size of lemons. Seth says of the merchandise, “She’s not wearing this crap, is she?” Austen picks out a hideous print blouse, that the saleslady says is perfect [“C’est perfect”]. Seth complains that no one else seemed to be paying any attention to what Jerry was wearing through this whole show. He’s not happy with what the shop has to offer, and asks if they have anything more in the back. The saleslady holds up some fish-scale armor and looks at Seth like he’s the idiot. Seth says, “I knew Jerry dressed casual…She wears flats, she wears pants. I wasn’t gonna get her all gussied up.” He eventually settles for a white, somewhat Western rodeo blouse and black pants. Then he asks whether they give cash for returns, apparently expecting her to dislike all of their choices.

A bellhop brings the clothes Anwar has picked out to Jerry in her room at The Four Seasons. Jerry describes the dress as “a very nasty nylon body-stocking and some kind of belly-dancing jewelry that fell off the minute I put it on”. Anwar arrives, wearing a dapper pin-stripe suit, wondering where the dress he bought was. Jerry lies and says that she thought it would be a bit chilly, so she wore something else. Anwar says that she looks beautiful [with an implied ‘anyway’].

Cut to a commercial, and then back to the show, with a view of the Seine and, you guessed it, the Eiffel Tower at night. [Aauugghh! I can’t stand it anymore.] Anwar is taking Jerry on a dinnertime river cruise. Austen and Seth are there to “help out”, and they will be doing the cooking and serving. Well, not really; all they had to do was nuke the food in a microwave oven and put it on the plates. Anwar takes a trip to the galley to tell Austen and Seth how it’s gonna work. When Anwar winks, they have to leave him and Jerry alone, and when he coughs he needs them to come and help out. Seth’s response is, “What a <<(^_^)ing>> idiot. I’m definitely spitting in your food for that one.” Seth and Austen decide to toast every course with some alcohol in the galley. They start with wine, but quickly move onto the hard spirits, drinking directly from the bottle. I saw some Absolut Citron and several others. During the cuts between EVERY SINGLE SCENE they show the friggin’ EIFFEL TOWER AGAIN and AGAIN and AGAIN.

Jerry and Anwar have a nice conversation. Jerry says that “When you have several choices, always pick the one that is the most fun.” Jerry asks for more wine, and wonders if Anwar drinks at all, because he only has juice at the table. Anwar says that he does drink and the other guys must have served him juice as a little joke; but then we see a flashback where Anwar specifically asks for juice. Then back to the present, with Anwar saying “It’s hard to find good help these days.” Austen starts to pour the wine in the galley, but Seth has to remind him to do it at the table; “This isn’t TGI Friday’s. Geez, I thought I was the loose cannon around here.” A little later, Anwar coughs to signal for some service, but the other guys are getting boozed up in the galley and looking out the windows [at the Eiffel Tower, of course].

Austen listens in to some of the conversation and says that Anwar is “doing his thing of repeating the last two words of what people say. It’s like if you say, ‘The river is beautiful tonight,’ he’ll be like, “Yeah…Beautiful tonight.’ It’s some kind of retarded echo.” Then we see Jerry and Anwar talking:
Jerry: “It’s very sad.”
Anwar: “Right. Very sad.”

Eventually, Austen and Seth get so plastered that they stop responding to Anwar’s coughing summons. He and Jerry go out onto the deck to look at….wait for it….the God-damned Eiffel Tower, while Austen and Seth drink some more champagne to toast Anwar’s eventual victory.

Back at the hotel, Seth asks Austen, “Do you wanna <<(^_^)in’>> trash this place? Let’s throw some <<shit>> off the balcony at least, can you give me that favor?” Then they start chucking fruit off the balcony onto the not-deserted-at-all street below. When someone appears to protest, Seth says, “Keep it movin’ buddy or I’m gonna hit you. Keep it goin’.” Seth then shows us a “Stupid-Human-Trick” worthy of David Letterman: he smacks lightbulbs against his head and pops them. Well, some pop, but most just bounce off inctact. Then he opens the bathroom door as Austen is urinating and boots him in the ass, causing him to fall down while peeing. [My husband tells me that this practical joke has been played on him, and that it is virtually impossible to stop the urine flow while drunk, so you end up pissing all over yourself and the floor. Good one Seth.] Anwar returns and wonders why Seth is still drinking, since his date with Jerry is at 8 o’clock the next morning.

Back from commercial = Eiffel Tower, again. The room looks pretty trashed, and the guys obviously opened the mini-bar and drank most of the booze from those tiny single-serving bottles. Seth gets up and moans; he’s really hungover. He calls the front desk to ask for some Visine. Anwar and Austen wonder if Seth is even taking it seriously (actually, Seth wonders that too). Austen asks Seth how he feels: “I feel like <<shit>>.”

Jerry gets Seth’s outfit and purrs appreciatively as she takes it out of the bags. Jerry also puts on a beret, although it’s not clear if she did this on her own or if it was part of Seth’s ensemble. [Probably the former]
Jerry: “I love my cowboy outfit.”
Seth: “You like it! Oh, you really did wear it. Unbelievable. Nice!”
Jerry is very impressed that Seth picked out something she would actually wear.

They get into the car and Seth tells Jerry he is taking her to Chuck E. Cheese. Well, I guess in France it is Charles Fromage. Actually, he takes her to the Cantin Affineur fromages de tradition cheese shop. They open the door and immediately notice a very strong smell that Seth likens to dirty feet. Austen and Anwar are there to serve some cheese. Seth takes a slice, nibbles at it, makes a terrible face and says, “Mmmm, that’s smooth.”
Austen: “This is a goat cheese from the northwestern corner of Italy. It takes about five years to make, and it’s also drawn heavily on the adrenal glands of bats.”
Seth: “We’ll take a pass on that.”
Jerry: “Hey Seth. You sure know how to show a girl a good morning.” Seth pumps his fist in the air.
Seth: [As they are leaving] “That was cheeseriffic!”

Next, they walk to a flower shop. Seth exclaims, “You guys work here too? That’s unbelievable,” as it is revealed that Austen and Anwar are already there. “We’re doing McDonald’s next. You guys gonna be working there too?” Anwar thinks Seth blew it, since he is having Jerry order her own arrangement. Jerry isn’t too impressed so far.

They next go to a wine shop. Amazingly, Austen and Anwar are there to greet them. Seth asks if Jerry is tired. She seems a little ticked off at this, asking “Do I look tired?” Seth responds glumly, “No. You just look like you are bored.”
Jerry [in a tired voice]: “You dress me like a rhinestone cowgirl. You take me to a cheese shop at 8 am…” Then she cackles like a crazed witch.
Seth then turns on his comic charm, noting that they are eating “Ritz crackers…in Paris! Only the finest.” They get some lamb with truffles for lunch, and it looks good. Seth isn’t too sure what a truffle is, and Jerry explains that they are very expensive mushrooms. Seth eats a slice of truffle and declares, “Mmm. That’s good. Seriously. It tastes like…like umm…laundry detergent...I think it’s an acquired taste.” Jerry just laughs again. Jerry finds the fact that Seth is always “just Seth” very relaxing. She finds him to be really good company.

Wow! Finally a scene change without the Eiffel Tower. Seth returns to the hotel in an upbeat mood, which scares Austen. The other guys are jealous that Jerry wore the outfit Seth picked out, although he tells them she wasn’t too excited about the shirt. “She was like, ‘It’s too country-western.’ I was like, ‘Listen lady, it’s <<(^_^)ing>> free clothes. Put it on before I <<(^_^)>>ing kick you right up the ass.”

Back from another commercial = Eiffel Tower.
As the bellboy brings Jerry the outfit Austen picked out, we find out she is in room #336. The accompanying note by Austen reads, “You embody what so many men search for in their own personal woods.” Jerry shakes her behind a little bit and purrs again. Jerry pulls out the print blouse and says, “I don’t think so.” As they meet in the lobby, Austen says that he’s glad she’s going out on a date with him, and he’s “Glad, uh, I’m glad you’re not wearing my shirt, too.” They go out to eat at a private room at the La Boheme, an Italian restaurant owned by Alain Ricci. [Watch out guys! The waitstaff there are all dying of consumption…or AIDS.] Anwar and Seth get cussed out in Italian by the chef, and are basically relegated to only carrying the completed dishes out to the diners. Austen can’t think of anything to talk about. Anglers vs. canoe paddlers on English rivers [Anyone? Anyone? Beuhler?] Q: Is Elizabeth still dating Sean Lennon? A: They’re just good friends.
Austen: “The 50s must have been the weirdest time to be a young adult. It’s like the Beaver Cleaver lifestyle.” [Is Austen trying to suggest that Jerry was a young adult in the 1950s? She was born June 2, 1956.] She looks at him as if she can’t wait for him to shut up again.
As Austen and Jerry leave, Anwar and Seth pick food off their plates to stuff their faces. Seth explains that “This is called the bus-bucket buffet.”

On the way to a nightclub, Austen asks how Jerry’s kids are doing. Jerry says that they grew up seeing Keith Richards, so they don’t do any drugs. The limousine stops right in front of the Moulin Rouge, much to Jerry’s disappointment. [There was actually a considerable amount of trash in the gutter immediately in front of this “swinging” nightspot.] Austen only knew about the Moulin Rouge from the Baz Luhrman movie of the same name, so he didn’t know what to expect. Jerry is upset that the club is non-smoking. The show starts, and it is basically topless showgirls and prancing to inane music.
Jerry: “This is REALLY cheesy. Thanks Austen, this is really great. Loads of girls with big boobs.”
Austen [staring intently]: “Yeah. I’m going home, first flight direct, non-stop [to] L.A.”

Austen had no idea it was going to be a topless show, but Jerry didn’t seem too offended. They begin to clap with the music and enjoy the show for its tastelessness.
Jerry [to the interview camera]: “I think the Moulin Rouge is incredibly tacky. But Austen seemed to think so too, so that eased the tension. Austen took me to the last place I would be caught dead in Paris, but at least he managed to make it fun.”
Jerry [leaving the Moulin Rouge]: “I think it was a tasteful choice. It was a kind of intellectual outing.”
Austen: “It wasn’t so much the music, as the words…You started [the day] off with cheese and you finished with cheesier.”

Commercial break = another establishing shot of the Eiffel Tower.
The guys bring their packed bags out to a hired care in front of the hotel. Austen likes the idea of being able to race off to a European city at the drop of a hat. Jerry talks with Rachel about her next choice. Anwar arranged a great date and looks gorgeous, but can’t pick out decent clothing. Jerry thinks he is really smooth, but Rachel wonders again whether he is too smooth [It’s that jab at your age again, isn’t it Rachel?]. Rachel thinks Anwar is a good actor. Seth made Jerry laugh, even in a smelly cheese shop at 8:30 in the morning. Rachel asks if Jerry thinks Seth is smart, but she won’t go that far. Seth may not be cultured enough. Austen makes Jerry smile, and she thinks she looks better in his company, although he has seemed rather dull recently. Katy enters the room [having apparently just got back from shooting the soft-core porn flick “Truth or Dare with my French Au Pair”] and asks Jerry for her next eviction notice.

The guys’ car pulls up to a helipad and they get out. On the other side of the building they see Katy and the two big bodyguards. Katy gives them a little speech about learning about romance, and one of them learning about rejection, followed by “You can’t always get what you want.” Chris takes the notepad and reads off the first name:

Austen. He silently celebrates as he walks to the helicopter.

Seth. He says [to Anwar], “Check you later, masturbator!”

Anwar says that he is dumb…founded by this decision. He figures that he was just too perfect, since he claims other people have told him this before. Jerry says it was mostly because she couldn’t feel that Anwar was 100% sincere.

Next time:
Seth and Austen return to an empty house. Jerry treats the boys to a trip on the London Eye, the world’s biggest ferris wheel. [And after that, can we get a funnel cake and cotton candy?!] They are shown a fantastic apartment for Jerry’s kept man. Then, the final elimination, as the guys face an inquiry by Jerry and Friends.

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