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Twelve American males hit up a trip to England in order to woo the former Mrs. Mick Jagger

Recaps by Julie Suchard, GSNN

Host: Jerry Hall
EP: Michael Hirschorn, Kim Rozenfeld, Brandon Riegg, Sam Korkis, Julio Kollerbohm, Michael Canter, Debbie Adler Myers
Packager: VH1
Airs: Thursdays at 9pm ET on VH1

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"Houseguests" - June 16

The show opens with a brief montage to let you know they still are in England: a Buckingham palace guard, the Union Jack, the Thames River, an unidentified country manor. Then, out of the blue, Jerry says that she has chosen Seth to accompany her to the London opening of Kim Cattrall’s new play, “Whose Life Is It Anyway?” [No, the actress has not become a playwright; this is a revival of Brian Clark’s play, having been rewritten for a female, rather than a male, lead. Jerry consistently pronounces the actress’s last name as ‘Kuh-trell’, rather than ‘Kah-trawl’ as I have always heard it before.] (C-Note: I've heard it both.) She apparently thought Seth was great at the pub [where he called Jerry’s friends “old ladies”], and that this task/opportunity would be like the “pub times ten” and show how he could perform under pressure.

Seth opens his invitation in the kitchen, and says he has to be ready by 5:30 in the evening. Austen tells the camera that he gets a bit jealous when any of the others get alone-time with Jerry. Ricardo, however, doesn’t given a damn about it, because “I don’t associate myself with these <<bleep>>s” [I looks like he said “fags”, or possibly “fucks”. Don’t worry Ricardo, the feeling is mutual.] Jerry picks up Seth [no limo, but they did have a driver] and they exchange chaste cheek-kisses. Seth tells the camera that he has never been to see an actual play on stage. When they arrive at the theatre, he freaks about all the paparazzi. Jerry sits there waiting for Seth to get out and open her door, but he is too dazzled to do anything. Finally, Jerry opens her own door, letting the driver tell Seth to “get the hell out”. Jerry poses for the paparazzi, turning first to one side and then the other, while she basically has to drag Seth around with stiff and bug-eyed expression. Once they get inside, Seth can only say, “That was odd.” [Seth, Seth, Seth…you just don’t get it, do you? That was Jerry’s life, and you have to get used to it, or at least fake it really well.] Jerry schmoozes with people in the foyer, while Seth waits at the bar to get a drink. Jerry comments to the camera that Seth made no conversation with anyone and exhibited no social graces, which disappointed her because she thought he would be “really funny”. Seth says, “So I was really blowing the date with Jerry. I felt like kicking my own ass.”

Meanwhile back at the “ranch”:
The Ambiguously Gay Duo of Ricardo and Slavco have a little chat.
Ricardo: We’ve gotta get our story straight you and me. Cause it’s not vibing right now. This ain’t gonna work.
Slavco: What do you mean?
Ricardo: You know what I mean. [Implying the incident with the girls they brought home to the house, which pissed everyone else off.] We can’t have different stories, either they came or they didn’t.” [I’m sure that you can’t make anyone come Ricardo…]
Slavco: Oh, ok. We flat out lie.
Ricardo: By the time this girl [meaning Jerry] sees this shit, she’s already picked the guy, we already got the check in our fucking bank deposit. Too fucking late.”

At the theatre, Seth states that he did not participate in the standing ovation, and complained that everyone “clapped for fucking hours.” Jerry did not appreciate how it was all about how terrible it was for Seth. At least he has some insight, saying “I am the biggest loser. I think I am blowing this whole thing….All this stuff I am working for is slipping between my fingers.” Jerry says that Seth was a big disappointment to go out with.

Jerry then decides to bring the boys along to a friend’s country estate for the weekend. [Yeah right, she just spontaneously decided to do this, rather than having it all planned out in advance.] She wants to test the abilities of the boys to be good houseguests. Austen tells the camera that he has always heard that the “landed gentry” have homes out in the country. [Pretty obvious assessment there, Austen. If they are “landed” then they have land, and the land is usually not in the middle of the cities.] They take a train and then load up in a couple of minivans. Jerry says, “Being respectful and gracious is very important to me.”

Maurizio says that the country cottage they were expecting to see was more like “Disneyland made out of brick”. Devonric says that he’s read about a lot of castles in school, but actually being at one humbled him. The “lord of the manor”, Lawrence (Larry) Kennedy, comes out to greet the boys and welcome them to Hever Castle. [My daughter and I immediately recognized the name, since the castle was owned by Henry VIII’s second wife, Anne Boleyn.] Then, déjà vu, Jerry explains that the castle used to be owned by Anne Boleyn.

Seth says that Larry was “kinda creepy. He had a neck-beard, rotten teeth, shiny head…These English people are a little strange. I don’t ‘get’ them.” Larry gives the guys a little tour, and then takes them to the hedge-maze for a competition. [Here’s a link with a picture of the castle and the hedge-maze: It appears that the castle and grounds can be rented out and are actually owned by John Guthrie of Broadland Properties. So I suspect that Lawrence, just like Katy is a fraud. I couldn’t find any pictures of Mr. Kennedy on his motorcyle, but here is a link just in case you want to hire Hever Castle for a wedding or corporate event. .]

Larry explains that there are not enough rooms for all the guys to have their own, but the first three to get to the center of the maze will find a key for their solo room; “the rest of you will have to bunk up.” [So what’s the incentive to winning, then? Most of them are rooming together already.] Jerry says this task will separate the mice from the men. [And that means that the ones who win are the mice? Or the men?] Seth has a plan to stay to the left the whole way even before they start. Devonric complains, “[Heavy sigh] Competition, here we go again,” like he expected no more hard work. Seth is the first to get a key; “Got it!…Bitches,” he yells. Mauricio is second, and he lets out a Tarzan-like yell of “GOT IT!!!” Austen barely edges out Devonric for the third key, and share a handshake and man-hug.

Larry congratulates those with the own room, since they won’t have to sleep in the haunted section of the castle, where the headless body of George Boleyn [Anne’s brother, who was beheaded for having “relations”with Anne] wanders in the middle of the night. [Cue spooky sound effects] Seth checks out his room, but actually seems freaked out about the ghost-story, and asks for another cot in his room. Jerry announces that the next task will be for the guys to write some poetry and read it to her during the castle dinner that evening. The guys get 10 minutes total to write a poem and get ready for the meal. Devonric complains again that poetry is boring and he doesn’t really give a <<bleep>> about it. Jon and Seth try to psyche themselves up into a poetry-writing frenzy, but seem to fail. An example of Jon’s brainstorming = “Jerry Hall, You are tall.” He then spritzes a ton of cologne on himself and says, “That’s enough…I don’t wanna kill anybody with this.” Jerry arrives with her friends: Jeanne Marine (Bob Geldof’s girlfriend), Annabel Brooks (actress), Suzanne Wyman, Rachel Fuller. Jerry wants to see how much their etiquette has improved. Larry invites them all to sit down. Anwar gets Jerry’s chair for her.

The chef brings out a whole roast suckling pig on a platter and parades it around the table. Seth says, “Look at his butt…I’ll party with him!” [What?] His neighbor asks what he meant, and he says, “You said look at the tail and I said look at the butt. I’ll party with him.” Another one of Jerry’s Friends (JF) sums the conversation up with, “Bestiality. Sex with animals.” [No, no, no. It’s not simply bestiality, but necrophiliac bestiality with a food fetish aspect.] Jason is asked by a JF (Rachel) to talk about what’s going on in the house. He explains that the house is split into the AGD and everyone else, and that Ricardo and Slavco brought girls back to the house. Rachel says that apparently “no one likes Ricardo, and they call him ‘Retardo’.” [Good one!] Even Larry can tell that the guys are split into two camps, but says that it is poor manners to make this known while guests in someone else’s home.

Then Jerry announces it’s Poetry Time:
Austen is worried that Jerry may have high expectations of him, since he is a writer. Jon opts to go first. He gets down on one knee and recites some adolescent couplets. Maurizio stands, but his delivery is about the same. Ricardo gives some free-verse while trying to make his eyes smoulder; Slavco does the same thing. Devonric points out that Ricardo and Slavco have nearly identical sentences in their poetry. Seth adds that they can barely use the bathroom without the other guy there. “They are totally dependent on each other’s stupidness.” Anwar cleverly writes a poem about his mother, rather than Jerry, but emphasizes issues of the strength of women and how he’s a great catch because of his mom; Jerry liked it, but Ricardo was not pleased. However, Jerry thought Austen had the best poem; it was “the most intelligent, the most evolved.” Per Jerry, Jason had the best presentation and is also good-looking. [Is it time to write a cautionary about pride goeth before the fall?] Seth recites, “I was given ten minutes to write this poem, the only thing I can thought of was being sent home.” They all laugh,…but Austen used this tactic already in the last show.

The guys are hanging out on some couches, some with bottles of beer, and Seth makes a playful joke with Jon saying, “You wanna get out of here cutie?” Slavco takes real umbrage at this remark, intimating that Seth is making jokes at the expense of gay people. [Why should this bother Slavco, unless he is a closet homosexual, since he would never defend gays based simply on it being the right and moral thing to do?] Slavco says to Seth, “You’re a loser. You’re a 34…[he can’t seem to think of the next word]…year-old loser.” Seth’s response: [sarcastically]“I like you, Slavco. You’re a great guy. You’ll grow up and figure it out.” Slavco continues his harangue, so Seth flips him the bird. The macho posturing begins, so Ricardo feels obligated to join in too. Seth: “Nobody likes you [Ricardo], so shut the f**k up.”

After a commercial break, Devonric asks why the AGD are ganging up on Seth. Ricardo says that Devonric hasn’t been “real” since they got to England, and Devonric throws the accusation right back in his face. Devonric tells the camera, “We were all having a great time in the castle, but it all turned into sour milk because of these two <<bleeps>>.” [Um, Devonric, did you mean to say something about “sour grapes” and just get it confused with “spilled milk”? Your heart’s in the right place…but your brain isn’t.] Ricardo and Slavco give a toast to the room and walk off together. Jason comments that he thought they left to physically protect themselves, as Devonric was about ready to explode.

The next morning Larry invites all the guys to breakfast. He has prepared a host of nearly inedible delights of the English cuisine, to test their manners yet again. Seth bitches about feeling hung over, but makes sure Slavco knows that he still hates him; “Likewise,” says Slavco. Jason says that it’s like sitting at the table with your parents after they have fought; nobody wants to talk. The chef has prepared a typical Full English breakfast, including:
Deviled kidneys
Black pudding (aka Blood pudding)
Scrambled eggs
Fried bread
Ox tongues
Larry tells Ricardo to eat up, since he has barely touched anything on his plate. Ricardo says that he did try the bread, and he ate a protein bar that he brought in his jacket pocket with him. [You idiot! I don’t think that’s considered good manners, even among narcissistic frauds like yourself.] Ricardo tells the camera that he never does anything he doesn’t want to do. Devonric and Jon felt he was really being rude. And then, as if to smooth things over, Ricardo says, “But the bread was exceptional!” Larry rolls his eyes ever so slightly.

Next they guys go for a short walk, where they miraculously come up to Jerry Hall shooting clay pigeons with a shotgun. Chris, the shooting expert, asks if this will be the first time shooting for anyone. Only Austen raises his hand. Ricardo says that the only thing running through his mind after seeing the guns was, “Devonric, and popping a cap in his ass.” Jon goes first, and Jerry jokingly warns everyone to stand back, but he hits his target. So does everyone else, except for Devonric, who had prided himself on being a good hunter, and who had been giving pointers to the other guys.

Larry then tells the guys he has to leave, but that the guys are welcome to stay. In fact, he suggests they go into town and visit the pub where all the drinks are on him. Larry tells the camera that he would invite back Anwar, Devonric, Jason, and Austen, but that Seth for a whole weekend would be hard work. The guys are apparently told that they won’t be filmed, won’t have any chaperones, and can just relax. [Warning! Warning! This must be a trap. Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain!] They enter the pub and see, in Maurizio’s estimation, “the four hottest girls we’ve seen the whole trip”. [Warning! This is not a coincidence. Do Not, I repeat, Do Not attempt to score with these girls!] Jerry and friends, however, enter the back of the pub to watch the antics on closed-circuit TV via hidden cameras. She also says that the four gorgeous girls are actresses hired to flirt with the guys. [No duh!]

They all think Maurizio’s choice to wear a shirt saying “Player” was a bad idea. Jason and the AGD go over to chat up the womenfolk, while Seth, Austen, Devonric and Anwar hang back. The guys are so enamoured of the prostitutes [oops, I mean actresses] that they don’t think that the statement, “Because these guys are so nice, we should stay” seems suspicious in any way. Maurizio tries to get the other guys wasted with tequila shots. Ricardo is caught flirting with a girl, and Rachel says that he would have been the first to go if she had things her way. They start to deliberate about who should go, and they’ve all pretty much agreed it should be Seth, when one of the guys [whose is intentionally blurred out; but even so, you can tell by the clothes that it’s Jason] kisses one of the actresses on the lips. Jerry and friends all start to scream. Then they walk through the pub on their way out without talking to the guys, puzzling them a bit. Anwar notes that the horny guys immediately backed off the girls as if they had just found out they had gonorrhea. [I don’t think that would stop Ricardo]. On return to the castle, the guys talk about the whole pub scene and whether they could have scored with the chicks. Seth says he “had the chick who looked like a dude with huge boobs. I just wanted her to hold me.”

After breakfast the next day the guys all report to the castle entrance to find Katy giving them the “You Can’t Always Get What You Want” speech. The consensus is that it’s either Seth or Jon who is leaving. The imposingly tall bouncer guys stand on either side of the velvet rope at the opposite end of the drawbridge. They start to read off the names of the guys who are returning to London with Jerry: Ricardo, who turns to flash the others a “f**k off” sign, “except for Slavco, that’s my boy. Everyone else can kiss my f**kin’ Puerto Rican ass.”[Ricardo, by the way, was born in California]. Next called Anwar, then Maurizio, who, per Jerry, was a well-behaved houseguest, but she didn’t like his pub antics, Slavco, and Austen. Next Devonric’s name is called and after he goes across the bridge he gets right up into Ricardo’s face. Ricardo responds by saying he will sue if Devonric touches him and says “You fight, you touch me, you go home…Basically, it’s on; it’s on like Donkey Kong.” [What the fuck is this?]. Next called is Jon , and Seth (who gives a brief man-hug to Jason and thanks his lucky stars.)

Jason finally figures out that his was his actions at the pub that might have been his downfall, and that he must have been on camera, and the girls they were talking to must have been actors. [A tad too late, Jason.] Then they show a clip of what really happened. It looks like Jason whispered in the girl’s ear, takes a shot of liquor, and then gives her a big kiss on the lips. On his website [Here’s a link:], Jason explains that they were doing body-shots. He licked the salt off the girl’s ear, took a shot, and then bit down on the lemon wedge she was holding in her teeth. Not the smartest thing to do on hidden camera, but not as flagrantly ‘cheating’ on Jerry Hall as she and her friends thought. I think the kind of body-shot where you drink out of someone’s navel would have been less easy to misinterpret, but still probably would’ve gotten him booted off the show. Here’s another link with a picture a nude Jason holding some bananas near his crotch, only rated PG-13 this time:

Next time:
The guys face the British press. Will Jerry’s social world prove too much for Anwar? [Naked models as food trays seem to be too much for him to handle. Hey! Didn’t they steal this from ‘The Surreal Life’?] Jerry throws a costume party and the guys learn to dance ballet.

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