"Houseguests" - June
16
The
show opens with a brief montage to let you know they
still are in England: a Buckingham palace guard, the
Union Jack, the Thames River, an unidentified country
manor. Then, out of the blue, Jerry says that she has
chosen Seth to accompany her to the London opening of
Kim Cattralls new play, Whose Life Is It Anyway?
[No, the actress has not become a playwright; this is
a revival of Brian Clarks play, having been rewritten
for a female, rather than a male, lead. Jerry
consistently pronounces the actresss last name as Kuh-trell,
rather than Kah-trawl as I have always heard it
before.] (C-Note: I've heard it both.) She apparently
thought Seth was great at the pub [where he called
Jerrys friends old ladies], and that this
task/opportunity would be like the pub times ten and
show how he could perform under pressure.
Seth opens his invitation in the kitchen, and says he
has to be ready by 5:30 in the evening. Austen tells
the camera that he gets a bit jealous when any of the
others get alone-time with Jerry. Ricardo, however,
doesnt given a damn about it, because I dont
associate myself with these <<bleep>>s [I looks like
he said fags, or possibly fucks. Dont worry
Ricardo, the feeling is mutual.] Jerry picks up Seth
[no limo, but they did have a driver] and they
exchange chaste cheek-kisses. Seth tells the camera
that he has never been to see an actual play on stage.
When they arrive at the theatre, he freaks about all
the paparazzi. Jerry sits there waiting for Seth to
get out and open her door, but he is too dazzled to do
anything. Finally, Jerry opens her own door, letting
the driver tell Seth to get the hell out. Jerry
poses for the paparazzi, turning first to one side and
then the other, while she basically has to drag Seth
around with stiff and bug-eyed expression. Once they
get inside, Seth can only say, That was odd. [Seth,
Seth, Seth
you just dont get it, do you? That was
Jerrys life, and you have to get used to it, or at
least fake it really well.] Jerry schmoozes with
people in the foyer, while Seth waits at the bar to
get a drink. Jerry comments to the camera that Seth
made no conversation with anyone and exhibited no
social graces, which disappointed her because she
thought he would be really funny. Seth says, So I
was really blowing the date with Jerry. I felt like
kicking my own ass.
Meanwhile back at the ranch:
The Ambiguously Gay Duo of Ricardo and Slavco have a
little chat.
Ricardo: Weve gotta get our story straight you and
me. Cause its not vibing right now. This aint gonna
work.
Slavco: What do you mean?
Ricardo: You know what I mean. [Implying the incident
with the girls they brought home to the house, which
pissed everyone else off.] We cant have different
stories, either they came or they didnt. [Im sure
that you cant make anyone come Ricardo
]
Slavco: Oh, ok. We flat out lie.
Ricardo: By the time this girl [meaning Jerry] sees
this shit, shes already picked the guy, we already
got the check in our fucking bank deposit. Too fucking
late.
At the theatre, Seth states that he did not
participate in the standing ovation, and complained
that everyone clapped for fucking hours. Jerry did
not appreciate how it was all about how terrible it
was for Seth. At least he has some insight, saying I
am the biggest loser. I think I am blowing this whole
thing
.All this stuff I am working for is slipping
between my fingers. Jerry says that Seth was a big
disappointment to go out with.
Jerry then decides to bring the boys along to a
friends country estate for the weekend. [Yeah right,
she just spontaneously decided to do this, rather than
having it all planned out in advance.] She wants to
test the abilities of the boys to be good houseguests.
Austen tells the camera that he has always heard that
the landed gentry have homes out in the country.
[Pretty obvious assessment there, Austen. If they are
landed then they have land, and the land is usually
not in the middle of the cities.] They take a train
and then load up in a couple of minivans. Jerry says,
Being respectful and gracious is very important to
me.
Maurizio says that the country cottage they were
expecting to see was more like Disneyland made out of
brick. Devonric says that hes read about a lot of
castles in school, but actually being at one humbled
him. The lord of the manor, Lawrence (Larry)
Kennedy, comes out to greet the boys and welcome them
to Hever Castle. [My daughter and I immediately
recognized the name, since the castle was owned by
Henry VIIIs second wife, Anne Boleyn.] Then, déjà vu,
Jerry explains that the castle used to be owned by
Anne Boleyn.
Seth says that Larry was kinda creepy. He had a
neck-beard, rotten teeth, shiny head
These English
people are a little strange. I dont get them.
Larry gives the guys a little tour, and then takes
them to the hedge-maze for a competition. [Heres a
link with a picture of the castle and the hedge-maze:
http://www.historic-kent.co.uk/images/hever02.jpg.
It appears that the castle and grounds can be rented
out and are actually owned by John Guthrie of
Broadland Properties. So I suspect that Lawrence, just
like Katy is a fraud. I couldnt find any pictures of
Mr. Kennedy on his motorcyle, but here is a link just
in case you want to hire Hever Castle for a wedding or
corporate event.
http://www.hever-castle.co.uk/default.asp .]
Larry explains that there are not enough rooms for all
the guys to have their own, but the first three to get
to the center of the maze will find a key for their
solo room; the rest of you will have to bunk up. [So
whats the incentive to winning, then? Most of them
are rooming together already.] Jerry says this task
will separate the mice from the men. [And that means
that the ones who win are the mice? Or the men?] Seth
has a plan to stay to the left the whole way even
before they start. Devonric complains, [Heavy sigh]
Competition, here we go again, like he expected no
more hard work. Seth is the first to get a key; Got
it!
Bitches, he yells. Mauricio is second, and he
lets out a Tarzan-like yell of GOT IT!!! Austen
barely edges out Devonric for the third key, and share
a handshake and man-hug.
Larry congratulates those with the own room, since
they wont have to sleep in the haunted section of the
castle, where the headless body of George Boleyn
[Annes brother, who was beheaded for having
relationswith Anne] wanders in the middle of the
night. [Cue spooky sound effects] Seth checks out his
room, but actually seems freaked out about the
ghost-story, and asks for another cot in his room.
Jerry announces that the next task will be for the
guys to write some poetry and read it to her during
the castle dinner that evening. The guys get 10
minutes total to write a poem and get ready for the
meal. Devonric complains again that poetry is boring
and he doesnt really give a <<bleep>> about it. Jon
and Seth try to psyche themselves up into a
poetry-writing frenzy, but seem to fail. An example of
Jons brainstorming = Jerry Hall, You are tall. He
then spritzes a ton of cologne on himself and says,
Thats enough
I dont wanna kill anybody with this.
Jerry arrives with her friends: Jeanne Marine (Bob
Geldofs girlfriend), Annabel Brooks (actress),
Suzanne Wyman, Rachel Fuller. Jerry wants to see how
much their etiquette has improved. Larry invites them
all to sit down. Anwar gets Jerrys chair for her.
The chef brings out a whole roast suckling pig on a
platter and parades it around the table. Seth says,
Look at his butt
Ill party with him! [What?] His
neighbor asks what he meant, and he says, You said
look at the tail and I said look at the butt. Ill
party with him. Another one of Jerrys Friends (JF)
sums the conversation up with, Bestiality. Sex with
animals. [No, no, no. Its not simply bestiality, but
necrophiliac bestiality with a food fetish aspect.]
Jason is asked by a JF (Rachel) to talk about whats
going on in the house. He explains that the house is
split into the AGD and everyone else, and that Ricardo
and Slavco brought girls back to the house. Rachel
says that apparently no one likes Ricardo, and they
call him Retardo. [Good one!] Even Larry can tell
that the guys are split into two camps, but says that
it is poor manners to make this known while guests in
someone elses home.
Then Jerry announces its Poetry Time:
Austen is worried that Jerry may have high
expectations of him, since he is a writer. Jon opts to
go first. He gets down on one knee and recites some
adolescent couplets. Maurizio stands, but his delivery
is about the same. Ricardo gives some free-verse while
trying to make his eyes smoulder; Slavco does the same
thing. Devonric points out that Ricardo and Slavco
have nearly identical sentences in their poetry. Seth
adds that they can barely use the bathroom without the
other guy there. They are totally dependent on each
others stupidness. Anwar cleverly writes a poem
about his mother, rather than Jerry, but emphasizes
issues of the strength of women and how hes a great
catch because of his mom; Jerry liked it, but Ricardo
was not pleased. However, Jerry thought Austen had the
best poem; it was the most intelligent, the most
evolved. Per Jerry, Jason had the best presentation
and is also good-looking. [Is it time to write a
cautionary about pride goeth before the fall?] Seth
recites, I was given ten minutes to write this poem,
the only thing I can thought of was being sent home.
They all laugh,
but Austen used this tactic already in
the last show.
The guys are hanging out on some couches, some with
bottles of beer, and Seth makes a playful joke with
Jon saying, You wanna get out of here cutie? Slavco
takes real umbrage at this remark, intimating that
Seth is making jokes at the expense of gay people.
[Why should this bother Slavco, unless he is a closet
homosexual, since he would never defend gays based
simply on it being the right and moral thing to do?]
Slavco says to Seth, Youre a loser. Youre a 34
[he
cant seem to think of the next word]
year-old loser.
Seths response: [sarcastically]I like you, Slavco.
Youre a great guy. Youll grow up and figure it out.
Slavco continues his harangue, so Seth flips him the
bird. The macho posturing begins, so Ricardo feels
obligated to join in too. Seth: Nobody likes you
[Ricardo], so shut the f**k up.
After a commercial break, Devonric asks why the AGD
are ganging up on Seth. Ricardo says that Devonric
hasnt been real since they got to England, and
Devonric throws the accusation right back in his face.
Devonric tells the camera, We were all having a great
time in the castle, but it all turned into sour milk
because of these two <<bleeps>>. [Um, Devonric, did
you mean to say something about sour grapes and just
get it confused with spilled milk? Your hearts in
the right place
but your brain isnt.] Ricardo and
Slavco give a toast to the room and walk off together.
Jason comments that he thought they left to physically
protect themselves, as Devonric was about ready to
explode.
The next morning Larry invites all the guys to
breakfast. He has prepared a host of nearly inedible
delights of the English cuisine, to test their manners
yet again. Seth bitches about feeling hung over, but
makes sure Slavco knows that he still hates him;
Likewise, says Slavco. Jason says that its like
sitting at the table with your parents after they have
fought; nobody wants to talk. The chef has prepared a
typical Full English breakfast, including:
Deviled kidneys
Black pudding (aka Blood pudding)
Scrambled eggs
Fried bread
Ox tongues
Beans
Larry tells Ricardo to eat up, since he has barely
touched anything on his plate. Ricardo says that he
did try the bread, and he ate a protein bar that he
brought in his jacket pocket with him. [You idiot! I
dont think thats considered good manners, even among
narcissistic frauds like yourself.] Ricardo tells the
camera that he never does anything he doesnt want to
do. Devonric and Jon felt he was really being rude.
And then, as if to smooth things over, Ricardo says,
But the bread was exceptional! Larry rolls his eyes
ever so slightly.
Next they guys go for a short walk, where they
miraculously come up to Jerry Hall shooting clay
pigeons with a shotgun. Chris, the shooting expert,
asks if this will be the first time shooting for
anyone. Only Austen raises his hand. Ricardo says that
the only thing running through his mind after seeing
the guns was, Devonric, and popping a cap in his
ass. Jon goes first, and Jerry jokingly warns
everyone to stand back, but he hits his target. So
does everyone else, except for Devonric, who had
prided himself on being a good hunter, and who had
been giving pointers to the other guys.
Larry then tells the guys he has to leave, but that
the guys are welcome to stay. In fact, he suggests
they go into town and visit the pub where all the
drinks are on him. Larry tells the camera that he
would invite back Anwar, Devonric, Jason, and Austen,
but that Seth for a whole weekend would be hard work.
The guys are apparently told that they wont be
filmed, wont have any chaperones, and can just relax.
[Warning! Warning! This must be a trap. Pay no
attention to the man behind the curtain!] They enter
the pub and see, in Maurizios estimation, the four
hottest girls weve seen the whole trip. [Warning!
This is not a coincidence. Do Not, I repeat, Do Not
attempt to score with these girls!] Jerry and friends,
however, enter the back of the pub to watch the antics
on closed-circuit TV via hidden cameras. She also says
that the four gorgeous girls are actresses hired to
flirt with the guys. [No duh!]
They all think Maurizios choice to wear a shirt
saying Player was a bad idea. Jason and the AGD go
over to chat up the womenfolk, while Seth, Austen,
Devonric and Anwar hang back. The guys are so
enamoured of the prostitutes [oops, I mean actresses]
that they dont think that the statement, Because
these guys are so nice, we should stay seems
suspicious in any way. Maurizio tries to get the other
guys wasted with tequila shots. Ricardo is caught
flirting with a girl, and Rachel says that he would
have been the first to go if she had things her way.
They start to deliberate about who should go, and
theyve all pretty much agreed it should be Seth, when
one of the guys [whose is intentionally blurred out;
but even so, you can tell by the clothes that its
Jason] kisses one of the actresses on the lips. Jerry
and friends all start to scream. Then they walk
through the pub on their way out without talking to
the guys, puzzling them a bit. Anwar notes that the
horny guys immediately backed off the girls as if they
had just found out they had gonorrhea. [I dont think
that would stop Ricardo]. On return to the castle, the
guys talk about the whole pub scene and whether they
could have scored with the chicks. Seth says he had
the chick who looked like a dude with huge boobs. I
just wanted her to hold me.
After breakfast the next day the guys all report to
the castle entrance to find Katy giving them the You
Cant Always Get What You Want speech. The consensus
is that its either Seth or Jon who is leaving. The
imposingly tall bouncer guys stand on either side of
the velvet rope at the opposite end of the drawbridge.
They start to read off the names of the guys who are
returning to London with Jerry: Ricardo, who turns to
flash the others a f**k off sign, except for Slavco,
thats my boy. Everyone else can kiss my f**kin
Puerto Rican ass.[Ricardo, by the way, was born in
California]. Next called Anwar, then Maurizio, who,
per Jerry, was a well-behaved houseguest, but she
didnt like his pub antics, Slavco, and Austen. Next
Devonrics name is called and after he goes across the
bridge he gets right up into Ricardos face. Ricardo
responds by saying he will sue if Devonric touches him
and says You fight, you touch me, you go
home
Basically, its on; its on like Donkey Kong.
[What the fuck is this?]. Next called is Jon , and
Seth (who gives a brief man-hug to Jason and thanks
his lucky stars.)
Jason finally figures out that his was his actions at
the pub that might have been his downfall, and that he
must have been on camera, and the girls they were
talking to must have been actors. [A tad too late,
Jason.] Then they show a clip of what really happened.
It looks like Jason whispered in the girls ear, takes
a shot of liquor, and then gives her a big kiss on the
lips. On his website [Heres a link:
www.jasonfromer.com/Episode4.html], Jason explains
that they were doing body-shots. He licked the salt
off the girls ear, took a shot, and then bit down on
the lemon wedge she was holding in her teeth. Not the
smartest thing to do on hidden camera, but not as
flagrantly cheating on Jerry Hall as she and her
friends thought. I think the kind of body-shot where
you drink out of someones navel would have been less
easy to misinterpret, but still probably wouldve
gotten him booted off the show. Heres another link
with a picture a nude Jason holding some bananas near
his crotch, only rated PG-13 this time:
www.jasonfromer.com/Picturepage5.html
Next time:
The guys face the British press. Will Jerrys social
world prove too much for Anwar? [Naked models as food
trays seem to be too much for him to handle. Hey!
Didnt they steal this from The Surreal Life?] Jerry
throws a costume party and the guys learn to dance
ballet. |