"Meet Jerry Hall" -
winner will, in exchange for giving up his left
testicle, receive a six-figure allowance and have
access to Jerry Hall's "stuff." But first he has to
be groomed (including back-waxing), learn to be a
gentleman, and learn how to hang with the rich and
fabulous. Each week they will have to learn to master
a new skill (Yeah, skill!) or get left on the wrong
side of the velvet rope. In the end, only one will
make the final guest list to Jerry Hall's private
party and become Jerry Hall's boy toy. (My fingers
feel so dirty even typing this crap.)
The tone is immediately set by the
Monty Pythonesque computer animated opening montage,
set to the music of "God Save the Queen"
or is it "My
Country 'Tis of Thee", or maybe "God Save the King"; I
have problems telling these apart. Appropriately,
Jerry Hall is depicted as if she was appearing in
"Attack of the 50-Foot Woman"; also, she eats people
(The logo for the series is in the familiar black font
on yellow combination of the Dummies Series of Books.
Perhaps there will be a companion book to this series
[like on PBS] called "Keeping Men for Dummies" or "I
Was Kept, Now I am Doing the Keeping for Dummies" or
"Making Sure That Balinese Marriage is Legal or You
Won't be Entitled to Half of Mick's Fortune, No Matter
How Many Spawn You've Pushed Out for Dummies.").
The show opens with "Rule Britannia" in
the background and visuals of British things such as
the Union Jack, red double-decker buses, the Household
guard of the Queen of England (you know, the guys with
the black Q-tips on their heads). Jerry Hall
narrates, "private jets, red carpet affairs, [I
usually have my affairs on bed, but to each her
the finest of everything. I am looking for a
man to share all that with, a Kept man."
We next see pictures of Jerry through
the best Vaseline lens that VH1 has to offer. Jerry
continues, "Honestly, if VH1 is willing to bring 12
hot guys to satisfy my every need, who am I to say
no?" (Wait, where are these 12 hot guys? I only saw
two or three hot guys; I must be watching the wrong
show.) She continues, "I've asked these 12 young
American guys to London so that I could mold them into
the perfect definition of the ideal kept man."
Let's meet the manwhores:
The first "stud" Anwar, 27, is a
zookeeper from Las Vegas, Nevada. He says, "Goodbye
to the smell of ass. Hello first-class!" Obviously,
he doesn't understand the job description of being a
Austen, 26, a writer from
(wasn't there an innkeeper named Dick from that town,
with some friends named Larry, Daryl, and Daryl? No
wait, it was just a dream.) Austen, a tall blond type
with way too many teeth, says that he has $85 in his
bank account and if he is picked by Jerry he can worry
about his writing and not his rent.
Himbo Slavco, 24, a model from
Rochelle Park, New Jersey, says that he and Jerry are
both models and that meeting Jerry will help his
career (Wait! You mean he isn't doing this for love
and the final rose? My expectations have been totally
dashed.). "Nowadays," he continues, "it's who you
know." (No, dumb shit; it's who you blow.)
Ricardo, 26, a waiter from
Burbank, California whose appearance channels
Brittney's kept boytoy Kevin Federline, says that he
"deserves the best and he is willing to do whomever,
[oops,] whatever, it takes to get there."
Jon, 24, a Starbucks Barista,
who lives in
Connecticut with his mommy and daddy rationalizes it
by saying that he is still "growing as a person."
Honey, that's not the part that Jerry has interest in
Brian, 34, a party entertainer
from Brooklyn, New York, does really, really, really
bad John Travolta impressions. That's all the
audience is allowed to know, so I predict that this
"hot guy" with have a short half-life.
Maurizio, 26, an artist from
Beverly Hills, California says that he appreciates
Jerry Hall's lifestyle of "sex, limos and rock and
Frank, 33, a professional
fighter from Rochester, New York says he could
absolutely, positively beat up all of the other guys.
Seth, 34, is unemployed and
lives in Boston, MA. Boston Seth says that he is
unemployed and lives in a (bleep)hole, he is a mess
and he needs this.
Michael, 31, a computer
consultant from East Brunswick, New Jersey who my
daughter calls "Monkey Boy" says that he has a vicious
competitive side to him. He says that he knows what
he wants and he will get it.
Jason, 25 a pharmaceutical sales
rep from Tampa, Florida who resembles a lesser Baldwin on a bad day - think Daniel or Stephen. He says that he
would love to have his wife bring home the bacon.
(Silly Jason, don't you realize that this show is all
about being Jerry's manwhore, not marriage.)
Devonric, 25, a retail store
manager from Dallas, Texas
(no doubt the son of somebody named LaQweesha) says
that he sees everyone as a competitor since he doesn't
know what will appeal to Jerry.
Back to the game:
Katy, Jerry's assistant, the über-bitch,
says that Jerry is looking for a man to keep her
company and answer to her every need. Katy says that
she works for Jerry and she takes her job very
seriously. She's here to weed out the undeserving,
and says to the guys that "some of you are most
suspected that Katy is not really Jerry's Assistant,
so in the interest of truth I went on a Googlequest.
I found out that her full name is Katy Edwards
and she, uh, likes motorcycles. (For you trivia buffs,
there is also an Australian naïve art painter named
Katy Edwards, who doesn't appear to like motorcycles.)
Here's a link, but don't open in it front of the
kiddies or at work:
(C-NOTE: WE'RE NOT KIDDING HERE! DEFINITELY NC-17
is surprised that he is called a wanker and says
"Damn, it's nice to meet you too." Frank, says that
Katy is a complete bitch. Jerry says that Katy is
perfect, since she enjoys doing all of the dirty work.
says that the men have to swim across the filthy,
ice-cold Thames river to a paddle-boat that will take them to the
manor. But there is a catch; the men all must wear a
Union Jack Speedo.
Ricardo, demonstrating his superior intellectual
skill, says that he knew what was going to happen,
they were going to have to jump into "a frozen tundra
of a lake". Idiotic quote #1 - it's a river, and
rivers aren't tundras.
says that she is testing their commitment, but that
she would never swim across the Thames for a man. She
says that the river is full of rats and she hates
gives the men "Goose Grease" to rub all over their
bodies to keep warm in the cold dirty rat-infested
Thames. Next, there are lots of close-ups of
half-naked himbos rubbing grease all over their
carefully waxed metrosexual bodies with background
music of music that would be totally appropriate in a
1970s porn film, not that I have seen any
The horn blares and the himbos jump
into the Thames. So far there have been no rat
sightings but one of the men says that something
grabbed at his leg. Seth wins the race with Austen
coming in second. Anwar says that Seth cheated
because he didn't put on his goggles and flip flops.
(Seth will not doubt get E. coli or some other
bacteria in his unprotected eyes.) Ricardo says
that somebody grabbed his speedo and the viewer is
"treated" to the sight of his fuzzed out tushie.
Devonric has problems swimming and has
to be rescued by divers. He is given oxygen. He says
that Jerry Hall is worth it. Frank prosaically says
that if Devonric hadn't made it, it would be one less
guy to worry about.
Cut to Jerry with Lenny Kravitz's song
"Lady" playing as she prepares to meet the himbos.
She wears a red dress, black gloves (no doubt so that
she won't actually have to make skin to skin contact
with the himbos) and stockings the eerily simulate
bicycle tire-tracks running up the back of her legs
(are they back in style again?). As Jerry makes her
grand entrance the men get all googly eyes, perhaps
it's because they notice that she is wearing a fur
stole and they are appalled at her insensitivity to
the plight of the naked mole-rat or whatever creature
that gave its life for her vanity.
Jerry, in an overly-embellished Texas
accent, says, "It's so sweet of y'all to come all this
way and do this."
What is "this"?
Enquiring minds want to
know. Jerry says that she can't wait to find out who
is "intelligent" who is "humorous" and who is willing
to learn what it takes to be a "Kept" man. (At this
point I am wondering if Jerry Hall receives a bonus
every time she utters the word "kept.")
The men introduce themselves to Jerry:
Frank has had half his ear chewed off.
She is impressed with Jason. Ricardo is giving her
bedroom eyes, but Jerry thinks that he seems
insincere. Jerry feels that she needs a full body
condom to protect her from creepy Jon. Jerry thinks
that Devonric is beautiful and that Austen looks like
a Greek god.
Brian sings the Rolling Stones song
"Angie" although he changes the lyrics to better
serenade "Jerry" instead, while prancing about like
Mick Jagger. (The himbos look on in shock; even they
realize that Brian is a moron.) It's raining, so
Anwar gives her his coat. Jerry says that he might
just be a keeper. (I am guessing that Anwar gave her
the coat because he knew the animals that gave their
lives for Jerry's stole and he didn't want to look at
them any more.)
Because they won the filth-swimming
competition, Austen and Seth get to choose rooms in
the manor first and then go to pub with Jerry. Austen
and Seth quickly learn that there aren't enough
bedrooms or beds to go around. (There are only five
beds; three singles and two doubles.) Katy
eventually lets the others inside out of the rain.
Maurizio, demonstrating his superior intellect, says
that the house must be 3000 years old. (He obviously
doesn't remember that 3000 years ago Britain was ruled
by the Celts, who lived outdoors in the hills and
painted themselves blue and ran around in the nude
Idiotic Quote #2!
Seth and Austen meet Jerry at the pub
called the "Cardinal Woolsey." Jerry has some
friends with her: Seraphina Watts, the daughter of
Rolling Stones drummer Charlie Watts; Rachel Fuller,
girlfriend of "The Who" guitarist Pete Townsend; and
Suzanne Wyman, wife of Rolling Stones bass player Bill
Wyman. Also joining the women is Richard E. Grant,
star of "Gosford Park" and my own favorite "The
Scarlet Pimpernel," although I think that Colin Firth
or Ralph Fiennes would have made better Percy
Blakeneys, not to be confused with Richard Grant, star
of "Forbidden Planet."
Seth tells Richard E. Grant that he
knows him from someplace. He likens meeting Richard
E. Grant to meeting Eric Estrada when he was seven,
before Estrada started hawing Jennie-O Turkey for
money. Seth, sticking his foot in his mouth, calls
the women "broads", then "old ladies". What an
idiot! Jerry says, "Seth will need a lot of work."
Seth says that it looks as though Austen has a
mouthful of Chiclets [gum], and that his smile is as
blinding as a drive-in movie.
Poseur Central the next morning:
Seth mocks the men who need to do their
hair and makeup. John, showing his lack of taste,
wears a lime green shirt, tomato red leather jacket,
and a white baseball cap. Anwar says that Ricardo is
very suave, he met him and almost fell in love with
him from the handshake alone. Slavko, also a model,
spends a lot of time grooming and says that he bonded
Each man is given 20 pounds to pick out
a gift for Jerry Hall. (American Idiot by Green Day
plays in the background). They men are sent to
Harrods to shop. Afterwards they meet at The Landmark
Hotel to have dinner and present gifts to Jerry. Two
of Jerry's friends (who both say they pick their
boyfriends based on personality [pictures are shown of
their skanky-looking boyfriends] are along for the
Jon gets Jerry's chair at the dining
table, and then spends dinner telling Jerry about his
nipple rings and how much he likes pain. ("I like
pain, to an extent, like in a kinky way. Nipples are
") Maurizio gets drunk.
Now it's time for presents:
Austen buys her a book and writes some
crappy poetry in it. Slavko gives her lotion and
tries to rub it all over her hands. Jason gives her
four small, elegantly wrapped books. Frank gives her
a soft fuzzy puppy dog. Maurizio gives her bath gel.
Brian, in an act of supreme idiocy giver her the book
"The Power of Ex Don't Get Mad, Get Over It" and
thoughtfully includes a picture of Jerry with Mick
Jagger (she rolls her eyes). Ricardo presents a
bracelet of seashells from Thailand. Anwar gives her
a stuffed heart. Jon offers body massage oil.
"Monkey Boy" Mike offers "Fashion Fever" Barbie (or so
my kids tell me), while Devonric offers her a box of
chocolates (Oh yeah, supermodels eat chocolates).
Seth tells Jerry that he couldn't buy her anything
good for 20 pounds so he returns the money to Jerry
and asks if they can go out for a drink.
The girls meet in the next room to
decide which man has to go. Two tall guards with a
velvet rope appear in the guys' room. Jerry says that
it was difficult to decide because several of the guys
Katy says that Jerry has made a
decision and carries a clipboard with names on it. As
each man's name is called, they are allowed to pass
the guards and go through the velvet rope. If they
aren't on the list, well "You Can't Always Get What
You Want." One by one, the men's names are called:
Austen, Anwar, Jason, Frank, Seth,
Maurizio, Slavco, Michael, Devonric, Ricardo and the
last guy called: Jon
Jerry says that this challenge was
designed to show each man's potential. She says that
Brian showed potential
to be a stalker.
Next week: A private fashion show for
Jerry forces the metrosexual himbos to be groomed by