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Twelve American males hit up a trip to England in order to woo the former Mrs. Mick Jagger

Recaps by Julie Suchard, GSNN


FACT FILE:
Host: Jerry Hall
EP: Michael Hirschorn, Kim Rozenfeld, Brandon Riegg, Sam Korkis, Julio Kollerbohm, Michael Canter, Debbie Adler Myers
Packager: VH1
Airs: Thursdays at 9pm ET on VH1


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"Meet Jerry Hall" - May 29

The winner will, in exchange for giving up his left testicle, receive a six-figure allowance and have access to Jerry Hall's "stuff."  But first he has to be groomed (including back-waxing), learn to be a gentleman, and learn how to hang with the rich and fabulous.  Each week they will have to learn to master a new skill (Yeah, skill!) or get left on the wrong side of the velvet rope.  In the end, only one will make the final guest list to Jerry Hall's private party and become Jerry Hall's boy toy.  (My fingers feel so dirty even typing this crap.)

The tone is immediately set by the Monty Pythonesque computer animated opening montage, set to the music of "God Save the Queen"…or is it "My Country 'Tis of Thee", or maybe "God Save the King"; I have problems telling these apart.  Appropriately, Jerry Hall is depicted as if she was appearing in "Attack of the 50-Foot Woman"; also, she eats people  (The logo for the series is in the familiar black font on yellow combination of the Dummies Series of Books.  Perhaps there will be a companion book to this series [like on PBS] called "Keeping Men for Dummies" or "I Was Kept, Now I am Doing the Keeping for Dummies" or "Making Sure That Balinese Marriage is Legal or You Won't be Entitled to Half of Mick's Fortune, No Matter How Many Spawn You've Pushed Out for Dummies.").

The show opens with "Rule Britannia" in the background and visuals of British things such as the Union Jack, red double-decker buses, the Household guard of the Queen of England (you know, the guys with the black Q-tips on their heads).  Jerry Hall narrates, "private jets, red carpet affairs, [I usually have my affairs on bed, but to each her own…]…the finest of everything.   I am looking for a man to share all that with, a Kept man."

We next see pictures of Jerry through the best Vaseline lens that VH1 has to offer.  Jerry continues, "Honestly, if VH1 is willing to bring 12 hot guys to satisfy my every need, who am I to say no?"  (Wait, where are these 12 hot guys?  I only saw two or three hot guys; I must be watching the wrong show.)  She continues, "I've asked these 12 young American guys to London so that I could mold them into the perfect definition of the ideal kept man."

Let's meet the manwhores:

The first "stud" Anwar, 27, is a zookeeper from Las Vegas, Nevada.  He says, "Goodbye to the smell of ass.  Hello first-class!"  Obviously, he doesn't understand the job description of being a kept man.

Austen, 26, a writer from Strafford, Vermont (wasn't there an innkeeper named Dick from that town, with some friends named Larry, Daryl, and Daryl?  No wait, it was just a dream.)  Austen, a tall blond type with way too many teeth, says that he has $85 in his bank account and if he is picked by Jerry he can worry about his writing and not his rent.

Himbo Slavco, 24, a model from Rochelle Park, New Jersey, says that he and Jerry are both models and that meeting Jerry will help his career (Wait!  You mean he isn't doing this for love and the final rose?  My expectations have been totally dashed.).  "Nowadays," he continues, "it's who you know."  (No, dumb shit; it's who you blow.)

Ricardo, 26, a waiter from Burbank, California whose appearance channels Brittney's kept boytoy Kevin Federline, says that he "deserves the best and he is willing to do whomever, [oops,] whatever, it takes to get there."

Jon, 24, a Starbucks Barista, who lives in North Haven, Connecticut with his mommy and daddy rationalizes it by saying that he is still "growing as a person."  Honey, that's not the part that Jerry has interest in seeing grow.

Brian, 34, a party entertainer from Brooklyn, New York, does really, really, really bad John Travolta impressions.  That's all the audience is allowed to know, so I predict that this "hot guy" with have a short half-life.

Maurizio, 26, an artist from Beverly Hills, California says that he appreciates Jerry Hall's lifestyle of  "sex, limos and rock and roll."

Frank, 33, a professional fighter from Rochester, New York says he could absolutely, positively beat up all of the other guys.

Seth, 34, is unemployed and lives in Boston, MA.  Boston Seth says that he is unemployed and lives in a (bleep)hole, he is a mess and he needs this.

Michael, 31, a computer consultant from East Brunswick, New Jersey who my daughter calls "Monkey Boy" says that he has a vicious competitive side to him.  He says that he knows what he wants and he will get it.

Jason, 25 a pharmaceutical sales rep from Tampa, Florida who resembles a lesser Baldwin on a bad day - think Daniel or Stephen.  He says that he would love to have his wife bring home the bacon.  (Silly Jason, don't you realize that this show is all about being Jerry's manwhore, not marriage.)

Devonric, 25, a retail store manager from Dallas, Texas (no doubt the son of somebody named LaQweesha) says that he sees everyone as a competitor since he doesn't know what will appeal to Jerry.

Back to the game:

Katy, Jerry's assistant, the ber-bitch, says that Jerry is looking for a man to keep her company and answer to her every need.  Katy says that she works for Jerry and she takes her job very seriously.  She's here to weed out the undeserving, and says to the guys that "some of you are most definitely wankers."

(I suspected that Katy is not really Jerry's Assistant, so in the interest of truth  I went on a Googlequest.  I found out that her full name is Katy Edwards http://www.bigmanagementuk.com/CV/edwards_katy.html and she, uh, likes motorcycles. (For you trivia buffs, there is also an Australian nave art painter named Katy Edwards, who doesn't appear to like motorcycles.) Here's a link, but don't open in it front of the kiddies or at work: http://www.superbike.co.uk/images/for_web/downloads/girls/medium/katy-edwards.jpg.) (C-NOTE: WE'RE NOT KIDDING HERE! DEFINITELY NC-17 MATERIAL)

Anwar is surprised that he is called a wanker and says "Damn, it's nice to meet you too."  Frank, says that Katy is a complete bitch.  Jerry says that Katy is perfect, since she enjoys doing all of the dirty work.

Katy says that the men have to swim across the filthy, ice-cold Thames river to a paddle-boat that will take them to the manor.  But there is a catch; the men all must wear a Union Jack Speedo.

Ricardo, demonstrating his superior intellectual skill, says that he knew what was going to happen, they were going to have to jump into "a frozen tundra of a lake".  Idiotic quote #1 -  it's a river, and rivers aren't tundras.

Jerry says that she is testing their commitment, but that she would never swim across the Thames for a man.  She says that the river is full of rats and she hates rats.

Katie gives the men "Goose Grease" to rub all over their bodies to keep warm in the cold dirty rat-infested Thames.  Next, there are lots of close-ups of half-naked himbos rubbing grease all over their carefully waxed metrosexual bodies with background music of music that would be totally appropriate in a 1970s porn film, not that I have seen any…

The horn blares and the himbos jump into the Thames.  So far there have been no rat sightings but one of the men says that something grabbed at his leg.  Seth wins the race with Austen coming in second.  Anwar says that Seth cheated because he didn't put on his goggles and flip flops.  (Seth will not doubt get E. coli or some other bacteria in his unprotected eyes.)    Ricardo says that somebody grabbed his speedo and the viewer is "treated" to the sight of his fuzzed out tushie.

Devonric has problems swimming and has to be rescued by divers.  He is given oxygen.  He says that Jerry Hall is worth it.  Frank prosaically says that if Devonric hadn't made it, it would be one less guy to worry about.

Cut to Jerry with Lenny Kravitz's song "Lady" playing as she prepares to meet the himbos.  She wears a red dress, black gloves (no doubt so that she won't actually have to make skin to skin contact with the himbos) and stockings the eerily simulate bicycle tire-tracks running up the back of her legs (are they back in style again?).  As Jerry makes her grand entrance the men get all googly eyes, perhaps it's because they notice that she is wearing a fur stole and they are appalled at her insensitivity to the plight of the naked mole-rat or whatever creature that gave its life for her vanity.

Jerry, in an overly-embellished Texas accent, says, "It's so sweet of y'all to come all this way and do this."

What is "this"?…Enquiring minds want to know.  Jerry says that she can't wait to find out who is "intelligent" who is "humorous" and who is willing to learn what it takes to be a "Kept" man.  (At this point I am wondering if Jerry Hall receives a bonus every time she utters the word "kept.")

The men introduce themselves to Jerry:

Frank has had half his ear chewed off.  She is impressed with Jason.   Ricardo is giving her bedroom eyes, but Jerry thinks that he seems insincere.  Jerry feels that she needs a full body condom to protect her from creepy Jon.  Jerry thinks that Devonric is beautiful and that Austen looks like a Greek god.

Brian sings the Rolling Stones song "Angie" although he changes the lyrics to better serenade "Jerry" instead, while prancing about like Mick Jagger.  (The himbos look on in shock; even they realize that Brian is a moron.)  It's raining, so Anwar gives her his coat.  Jerry says that he might just be a keeper.  (I am guessing that Anwar gave her the coat because he knew the animals that gave their lives for Jerry's stole and he didn't want to look at them any more.)

Because they won the filth-swimming competition, Austen and Seth get to choose rooms in the manor first and then go to pub with Jerry.  Austen and Seth quickly learn that there aren't enough bedrooms or beds to go around.  (There are only five beds; three singles and two doubles.)   Katy eventually lets the others inside out of the rain.  Maurizio, demonstrating his superior intellect, says that the house must be 3000 years old.  (He obviously doesn't remember that 3000 years ago Britain was ruled by the Celts, who lived outdoors in the hills and painted themselves blue and ran around in the nude…)  Idiotic Quote #2!

Seth and Austen meet Jerry at the pub called the "Cardinal Woolsey."   Jerry has some friends with her: Seraphina Watts, the daughter of Rolling Stones drummer Charlie Watts;  Rachel Fuller, girlfriend of "The Who" guitarist Pete Townsend; and Suzanne Wyman, wife of Rolling Stones bass player Bill Wyman.  Also joining the women is Richard E. Grant, star of "Gosford Park" and my own favorite "The Scarlet Pimpernel," although I think that Colin Firth or Ralph Fiennes would have made better Percy Blakeneys, not to be confused with Richard Grant, star of "Forbidden Planet."

Seth tells Richard E. Grant that he knows him from someplace.  He likens meeting Richard E. Grant to meeting Eric Estrada when he was seven, before Estrada started hawing Jennie-O Turkey for money.  Seth, sticking his foot in his mouth, calls the women "broads", then "old ladies".  What an idiot!  Jerry says, "Seth will need a lot of work."  Seth says that it looks as though Austen has a mouthful of Chiclets [gum], and that his smile is as blinding as a drive-in movie.

Poseur Central the next morning:

Seth mocks the men who need to do their hair and makeup.  John, showing his lack of taste, wears a lime green shirt, tomato red leather jacket, and a white baseball cap.  Anwar says that Ricardo is very suave, he met him and almost fell in love with him from the handshake alone.   Slavko, also a model, spends a lot of time grooming and says that he bonded with Ricardo.

Each man is given 20 pounds to pick out a gift for Jerry Hall.   (American Idiot by Green Day plays in the background).  They men are sent to Harrods to shop.  Afterwards they meet at The Landmark Hotel to have dinner and present gifts to Jerry.  Two of Jerry's friends  (who both say they pick their boyfriends based on personality [pictures are shown of their skanky-looking boyfriends] are along for the fun.)

Jon gets Jerry's chair at the dining table, and then spends dinner telling Jerry about his nipple rings and how much he likes pain.  ("I like pain, to an extent, like in a kinky way.  Nipples are like stars…")  Maurizio gets drunk.

Now it's time for presents:

Austen buys her a book and writes some crappy poetry in it.  Slavko gives her  lotion and tries to rub it all over her hands.  Jason gives her four small, elegantly wrapped books.  Frank gives her a soft fuzzy puppy dog.  Maurizio gives her bath gel.  Brian, in an act of supreme idiocy giver her the book "The Power of Ex – Don't Get Mad, Get Over It" and thoughtfully includes a picture of Jerry with Mick Jagger (she rolls her eyes).  Ricardo presents a bracelet of seashells from Thailand.  Anwar gives her a stuffed heart.  Jon offers body massage oil.  "Monkey Boy" Mike offers "Fashion Fever" Barbie (or so my kids tell me), while Devonric offers her a box of chocolates (Oh yeah, supermodels eat chocolates).  Seth tells Jerry that he couldn't buy her anything good for 20 pounds so he returns the money to Jerry and asks if they can go out for a drink.

The girls meet in the next room to decide which man has to go.  Two tall guards with a velvet rope appear in the guys' room.  Jerry says that it was difficult to decide because several of the guys should go.

Katy says that Jerry has made a decision and carries a clipboard with names on it.  As each man's name is called, they are allowed to pass the guards and go through the velvet rope.  If they aren't on the list, well "You Can't Always Get What You Want."  One by one, the men's names are called:

Austen, Anwar, Jason, Frank, Seth, Maurizio, Slavco, Michael, Devonric, Ricardo and the last guy called: Jon

Jerry says that this challenge was designed to show each man's potential.  She says that Brian showed potential…to be a stalker.

Next week: A private fashion show for Jerry forces the metrosexual himbos to be groomed by trained professionals.

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