The himbos talk about last week’s elimination. Last week, as the guys were waiting for the final name to be called, Ricardo was taunting Jon, telling Jon that he would be leaving. In a back room, the other men were wondering who would get to stay; Slavco was confident that it would be Ricardo. Jon got to stay and Ricardo started backtracking and referring to himself in the third-person [psycho?]. When Jon rejoined the men in the club, they are so excited about Ricardo’s elimination that they break into the song Na Na Hey Hey {Kiss Him Goodbye} and start screaming. Maurizio remarks that now Ricardo is gone, the himbos are all friends, although it’s obvious that Slavco is estranged from the rest of the guys. Anwar tells Slavco, “I’m just saying that if Ricardo was in this room right now you would not be over here [with us]. You’d be over there in the corner.” Devonric maintains that the other guys aren’t going to let Slavco back into the fold that easily.

The next morning, Jerry calls tells Seth that she is going to hold a dinner party at Himbo House for a dozen guests. She’s decided that the men will need to be responsible for the wine, flowers, tent and décor. The men will not be allowed to hire caterers, so they are being sent to cooking school.

Seth pontificates: “Stop right there… Can you tell me what being a kept man is?…Is it like being a butler, and a cook and a dancer? I think not cowboy. It’s about hanging out and going to parties and having other people do all of that sh*t.”

Anwar is surprised by that challenge and pronounces the house a mess and says that the men live like pigs. Jon says that he likes to cook and naively thinks that this opportunity will be a great chance for him to shine. [Jon, Jon, Jon…Don’t you realize that you are just around for comic relief until Jerry needs to start picking off the cute guys? Which is not to imply that you are a cute guy; first she needs to get rid of the ones with the most severe psychological problems.]

Jerry drawls that the guys have been able to experience some “upscale dinners” since they arrived in London, and she wants the himbos to see what really goes into them. She wants a kept man who will be able to whip up some food for her and her girlfriends. [In addition to cooking, he will also know where Jerry keeps her ‘Pussy Whip’ in the fridge…]

The himbos go to a cooking school in London where Katy introduces them to Gary Rhodes, Master Chef, TV Celebrity and Author. [He is the host of the British version of “Hell’s Kitchen”]. The men garb up into chef coats as Gary Rhodes tells them that he is very particular about how food is prepared. Also, Jerry has instructed Gary to teach the men how to make “Traditional English Cuisine.” [Which ranks right up there with “Fine British Dentistry”.]

Gary tells the men that they will be preparing three starters and four main dishes. Seth responds that “a seven course meal for 12 people, you do the math, that’s like 2,000 dishes. [Seth has obviously gone to the Jon school of math; it’s only 84 dishes…]

Gary shows the himbos how to make a “to-mah-toe” dish. Gary asks for a volunteer to cut the onions, Devonric unwisely volunteers for the job because “everyone in his family is a gourmet cook.” Devonric makes a mess of the job and Gary yells at him that he can’t afford the waste in his kitchen. Then he blasts Maurizio for leaning on his table. Jon remarks that he thought he was going to be intimidated because they would be preparing “intense high class meals” [so different from the Velveeta and Spam sandwiches he is no doubt used to eating…] and this is the “big time” so it’s a great challenge for him.

Gary blasts Maurizio because he seems too nonchalant about the cooking lesson and gets even more offended because Maurizio DOESN’T LIKE CHEESE! Maurizio confesses that Gary has had him on his “list” since the beginning. Chef Gary offers him a piping of cheese, which Maurizio declines. Chef Gary is incredulous and asks him, “You don’t like cheese?” Maurizio snarkily responds, “Is that OK with you chef?” Chef Gary responds, “Not really, you are not doing yourself any favors…”

Cut to a scene of Gary taunting Devonric about his cooking skills. “What am I going to do with these [Gary angrily waves a pot of some food in Devonric’s face]. Devonric responds “What I said before, maybe that’s right or wrong, I don’t know.” [What?] Anwar confides that Devonric lost it and “when crazy people lose it, it’s always worse,” so he backed away from the altercation for fear of getting hit by a flying pan. Gary next shows them “Toad in the Hole,” a dish where sausage is baked into a pudding mixture [that simultaneously sounds like a euphemism for sex].

Gary asks to see Jon’s mix and probably for the first time in his life, Jon hears the words “it’s too firm.” Chef Gary continues, “It’s not soft and smooth, it’s too much like glue. Bring it to me when you have it right.” Nipple ring- wearing Jon remarks that Chef Gary is demanding, but in a positive way. [Methinks that Jon likes pain…] Jon feels that Chef Gary really wants the men to learn. Devonric despairs about the pace of the lessons and complains that some of the men [the camera pans to Seth, Slavco and Maurizio] aren’t taking the whole thing seriously.

Jerry hopes that the men are taking their lessons seriously, especially since Chef Gary and his wife will be among her dinner guests, although the poor guys don’t know that yet.

The men will be responsible for making “Toad in the Hole,” blackened duck with potatoes, pastry shell with beef and potatoes, braised oxtail, deep friend salmon cakes, layered pancakes with mushroom sauce, and tomato cake with goat cheese. Austen responds that the food is not what he would eat, but it looks pretty amazing.

Chef Gary tells the men that in addition to the food, they will need to worry about the wine, cutlery and crockery and tells them that they will need to work hard because it’s for Jerry. He tells the men to get the hell out of his kitchen, then, finger wagging, tells them not to let him down.

The men go out into the hall and attempt to divide the labor. There are a lot of expletives flying and the men feel that the whole task is pretty much a lost cause. Finally, the men split into two groups. Austen, Anwar and Jon will be responsible for purchasing the wine, decorations, cutlery and crockery, while Slavco, Maurizio, Seth and Devonric will be in change of the flowers and grocery shopping.

After separating, Anwar and Slavco have a telephone conversation about the flowers. [Slavco annoying flips the cell phone between his ear and mouth as he talks, it’s truly painful to watch.] Anwar and Austen give Slavco the advice of not buying roses [they’re too common] and of talking to the flower shop proprietor and getting advice about the appropriate flowers for an upscale dinner party. Slavco, being the moron that he is, ignores their advice and buys pink and white roses, along with baby’s breath [very tacky!].

Meanwhile, Austen and Anwar talk with the Philglas and Swiggot Wine Shoppe [they don’t have ‘shops’ in England; they have ‘shoppes’] sommelier about appropriate wines for their menu. He recommends a Syrah to accompany their tomato dish. Jon stands around saying nothing until he hears the magic words “free samples.” He rationalizes his consumption by saying that he wants to make sure that Jerry gets “only the best.” [And it’s still part of his delusion that he is part of “the best”.]

The grocery store group buys groceries in an unorganized manner. Maurizio wheels Seth around in a cart, like two kids who ran out of their ADD medication, while they throw packages of cheap salad mixes into the cart. Next they look at magazines and Seth finds some lotion. [I wonder what he is going to use it for?] Seth and Maurizio rejoin the group. Maurizio asks Devonric if they will need mushrooms and Devonric definitively says no, he’s very sure that they won’t need it. [I wonder what ingredients they will use for the layered pancakes with mushroom sauce. Hmmmm…] Maurizio heads over to the rubber glove aisle and gets tons of rubber gloves.

Anwar calls Slavco again to find out about the flower choice. Slavco defiantly tells them that he purchased pink and white roses and when Austen and Anwar blast him for the choice, he complains that he was “really feeling a negative vibe over the phone.” He complains that Anwar is being a “conceited assh*le.”

The men come home, put away the groceries and drop into bed. At 11:15, the next morning, Anwar and Austen, wake the other men up to start work. Jerry says the boys don’t realize how much work goes into preparing a dinner party for this many people. She also reveals that her guest list includes some of her more eccentric friends and acquaintances such as Bill Wyman of the Rolling Stones and Champion Cricket player David English, so it’s imperative that the men shine.

Maurizio decides that since he is a “neat freak and germophobe” he should take charge of the kitchen. [I guess if it worked for Martha Stewart, it should work for him.] Devonric is impressed by Maurizio’s 180-degree turnabout and exclaims, “Hell yeah, that’s what we needed.” [Maurizio is pictured wearing a “mammy kerchief, pink plastic gloves and an apron around his waist. I’m actually more impressed that Devonric got the number of degrees correct; I would have expected him to say that Maurizio made a “complete 360” or something inane like that.]

To the dulcet tones of Pink’s “Get this Party Started,” [which I almost included in the mix CD for my daughters’ Jog-A-Thon event at their elementary school, only to be reminded, by my then seven-year-old, that the word “ass” is included in the song, so it wouldn’t be appropriate] the men are shown cooking, ironing, cleaning, erecting [tents silly, get your mind out of the gutter] flower arranging and polishing in preparation for the evening.

Just so the viewer knows how many famous friends Jerry has, she goes and visits Ron Wood, of the Rolling Stones’ art studio. Pictures of John Belushi, Jack Nicholson, the Rolling Stones, Elton John and some chick with fuzzy boobs are shown. Jerry Hall confides that it’s always nice to get a peek at Ron’s work before everyone else.

Katy arrives at the house just to let the men know how much they suck. She can’t stand the smell of the braised oxtail and mourns the lack of Spotted Dick. She tells the men that Spotted Dick is always part of the menu at a dinner party, so the men must come up with a Spotted Dick. Seth says he got rid of his two weeks ago, and Katy can barely keep a straight face at his retort [Probably because her last acting job was as a virginal investigative reporter seeking the cause of a viral epidemic in the soft core porn thriller ‘Spotted Dick’]. She asks who is hosting the party. Jon is elected due to his complete uselessness in the kitchen. Slavco, showing a rare bit of compassion, said that he feels bad for Jon, since he is being set up to fail. [To Slavco: So are you, dumb shit. On a different note: isn’t it nice to see how many traditional English dishes sound like sound like sexual euphemisms?]

Maurizio finds a recipe for Spotted Dick and puts Austen on the task. Austen says that he is not sure how the Spotted Dick is going to come out, but that Maurizio has been “like a pimp in the kitchen.” Devonric affirms that Maurizio really had things run smoothly in the kitchen.

Anwar is setting the table outside, vainly trying to remember what Lady Apsley taught him about forking, uh, proper cutlery placement. Slavco is supposed to be helping, but he is inside setting up a bar, drinking water and fussing with his appearance.

Back at Stately Himbo House, the first guests arrive. Gary Rhodes and his wife Jenny arrive, followed by Jo Wood (wife of Ron Wood), Rachel Fuller (girlfriend of Pete Townsend), Alan (Jerry’s nephew, who bears an uncanny resemblance to Sideshow Bob), Jeanne Marine (girlfriend of Sir Bob Geldof), and Howard Angel, a jewelry designer, who keeps bling in his pockets to amuse the overly-rich womenfolk. Jerry arrives and is immediately impressed by the himbo’s organizational skills.

Jeanne wonders where her water is. Jon goes into the next room to look for it and Slavco is seen primping. Rachel calls Jon over and says, “When you asked me what I wanted to drink, I told you cranberry juice, but you gave me lemonade.” Jon replies, “I knew you liked lemonade so I got you lemonade.” She tells him that she really wants cranberry. When Jon leaves to get the cranberry juice, Rachel turns to Jerry and says, “He must be afraid of you.”

More guests arrive including Annabel Brooks (an actress), David English (cricket player) along with Bill and Suzanne Wyman (Rolling Stone and wife.) The other guys were initially concerned that Jon might fail as host because he would be star-struck, but it turns out they had nothing to worry about. Seth says that Jon didn’t recognize Bill Wyman saying that he’s a bit challenged in the history of famous people. [Basically, Jon is too stupid to realize how famous the guests actually are.]

Back in the kitchen, Austen is surprised by how nervous Seth was about making sure that all of the details were perfect. “It’s an interesting side of him.” When dinner is ready, John rings a tiny gong and says that “Dinner is served,” but nobody listens to him. He tries to get their attention again and the guests follow him. Because Jerry walks next to him to the tent, Jon feels “awesome,” as if he had already won the show already to be Jerry’s kept man. “I am the kept man, boom, here is my girl.” [Jon is really delusional, the poor guy is going to be devastated when he is eliminated next week.]

Anwar presents the guests with a typed menu of selections. Jerry has never seen a menu at small dinner party, so she was very impressed. She notices Spotted Dick on the menu and brings it to Rachel’s attention. [Apparently Rachel is a Spotted Dick fan. The pudding…or the movie?]


[BEGINNING OF RANT:

Speaking of Spotted Dicks: Last week it came to my attention that somebody from the Tvrules.net website was plagiarizing my Kept recaps.

For instance in my first recap, which can be found at http://www.gameshownewsnet.com/prime/kept/052905.html, I wrote: The tone is immediately set by the Monty Pythonesque computer animated opening montage, set to the music of "God Save the Queen"…or is it "My Country 'Tis of Thee", or maybe "God Save the King"; I have problems telling these apart.

The other person “writes”: The tone is immediately set by the Monty Pythonesque computer animated opening montage, set to the music of "God Save the Queen"…or is it "My Country 'Tis of Thee", or maybe "God Save the King"; I’m so confused! I’m actually singing the words to both in my head.

Or try this one:

I write: The show opens with "Rule Britannia" in the background and visuals of British things such as the Union Jack, red double-decker buses, the Household guard of the Queen of England (you know, the guys with the black Q-tips on their heads).

He “writes:” The show opens with "Rule Britannia" in the background and visuals of British things such as the Union Jack, red double-decker buses, the Household guard of the Queen of England (you know, the guys with the black Q-tips on their heads).

This plagiarism went on for three recaps. Even the fourth episode, which he says that he did on his own, contains several only slightly modified phrases at the same points in the recaps.

I was very upset when I found out about the blatant rip-off of my writing. My editor Gordon was great about immediately firing off a letter to the TV Rules web-site. Similarly Kimmi and Dan from the TV Rules web-site were very responsive in taking down the offending recaps and promising that it would never happen again. Thank you Gordon, Kimmi and Dan!

Each recap that I do takes at least three hours to pull together. This estimate of time doesn’t even include my first viewing of the show from beginning to end. Some weeks my oldest daughter, who loves the show, doesn’t get in on the first viewing and she gets stuck watching as I Tivo through it , forward, back, forward again, in ten to twenty second increments as I work on the recap. This week the recap took even longer. My husband’s laptop crapped out and corrupted the saved file half-way through the show, necessitating emergency cutting, pasting, and reviewing of the first half of the show.

Though you might think that the service that I, along with all of the other recappers provide, is invaluable, we are not paid for our time and thoughts. We do this out of love for the genre or due to some gentle arm-twisting or guilt tripping from the web-master. It’s a labor of love and one of the benefits is seeing my name on the site and knowing that hopefully somebody out there is laughing at my warped sense of humor. {For me it’s also chance to hone my writing skills until I realize my dream of writing a romance novel with an all-midget cast.}

The idea that some imbecile can cut and paste my time and thoughts and pass them off as his own and even accept praise for a job well done (see thread) is disturbing. Next time just go into my purse and steal some money, it’s much less personal and I won’t dislike you as much.

The saddest part of the equation to me is that this person who did the plagiarism is a High School Math Teacher. How can he expect the youth in his classroom to go out into the world and be good citizens when he sets such a deplorable example. Maybe he just doesn’t care. As a parent, I have learned that it’s not what I say that influences my children, but what I do and how I live my life. Think about it.

Now, back to the other Spotted Dick!

END OF RANT]

Maurizio hopes that everyone likes the food because he knew that as the chef, he would be blamed if it was horrible. Gary is impressed by the flavor of the food. Jerry says that the duck was cooked to perfection. Though he likes the rest of the food, Gary isn’t as impressed by the braised oxtail saying, “Raw, red wine, I’m tasting on that...as if they’ve dropped a glass of wine in the sauce.” [If that’s the worst of his criticisms, the guys have done very well.]

Jerry’s friend, Annabel, teases Slavco and want to know if he misses Ricardo. Slavco says that he and Ricardo bonded and he does miss the guy. Annabel also wants to know if the other guys are leaving Slavco out. In a confessional, Jerry calls Ricardo and Slavco the duo of “vanity and mascara.” But we are never told what Slavco tells Annabel. [The thought that the other himbos might be mean to Slavco will not, however, be keeping me up at night.]

Annabel tells Jerry that she was expecting the food to be disgusting, but is pleasantly surprised. As Jon is clearing the table, he drops a dirty knife into the lap of Howard Angel, who asks him if he has heard of dry cleaners. Seth says that he loves Jon, [though not in the Ricardo/Slavco way, not that there is anything wrong with that] though he is “f*cking brain dead.”

Seth kisses up to Bill Wyman and David English, telling them that they look like teenagers. Anwar gets the idea of presenting Maurizio, who had been responsible for cooking and keeping the kitchen organized, to the dinner guests. Jerry and her guests applaud Maurizio, while Rachel tells him that his Toad in the Hole was the best that she has ever had. [I bet she tells that to all the guys]

Jerry leaves the room with her girlfriends. Gary tells the himbos that their food was better than the food of some of the restaurants in London. He was so impressed with Maurizio that he would give him a job in any of his restaurants. As the guys are relaxing, the big bad bouncers come in with their poles and velvet rope. [Oh please, just slap Slavco upside the head with one of the poles and put us all out of our misery.]

Jerry confesses that the deliberations were interesting since they had Bill as their “token male person.” Jerry asks Rachel if she noticed the extended period of time when she had no water. Rachel comments that it was Jon’s job and he seemed quite nervous. Jerry and her dragonlady friends don’t understand why Jon would be afraid of them, then cackle uproariously. Bill is surprised by the women’s lust of Austen, being unimpressed with his contribution to the evening. Bill further states that Austen’s “teeth put me off actually.” Jerry can’t stand looking at Slavco sucking in his cheeks a second longer [then does a wicked Slavco imitation]. Rachel suggests that he be set free. Jerry declares that she is open-minded, but she can’t decide between the four cute ones.

Bill is looking at what the guys achieved, not what they look like. Annabel says that Bill’s attitude displays narcissism that they don’t like in men, but accept in themselves. Jerry says that if it had been a bunch of women and Bill choosing, he would have chosen the cute one. Annabel comments about how thrilled Seth was to meet Bill. Bill responds that Seth is the biggest poseur of all of the men.

Katy presents Jerry with the list. Jerry states that she always does what Bill Wyman wants and points to a name on the list.

Katy does her “you can’t always get what you want speech” and leaves the room. [We learn that the suave bouncer who pronounces the himbos names in such a beguiling manner is named Chris, when Katy identifies him by name.] Katy gives the list to Bouncer Chris who starts calling names: Maurizio, who is happy to be called first and not have to wait, Anwar, Devonric, Austen. There is a pause and Jon worries that he is done, but his name is called. Jon goes into the kitchen to celebrate by eating some ice cream and Austen says that Jon should be more concerned about the fate of Seth “the guy who brought you out of your shell, is out there about to die.” [Ah, how sweet of Austen.]

The final name is called: Seth.

Slavco feels that he was eliminated because “the vibe was not there.” He wasn’t feeling Jerry’s vibe and doesn’t know if she felt him not feeling her. [I guess he didn’t feel her not feeling him, because it was obvious to me.] Jerry reveals that Slavco was OK in the beginning but he quickly began to annoy her because he was constantly fidgeting and primping. He was always sucking in his cheeks and tousling his own hair. She doesn’t think that he could look after other people because he is too interested in looking after himself.

Seth walks to the himbo kitchen where he is slapped and hugged by the other himbos who are glad that he wasn’t dumped.

Slavco hears the excited shouting by the men who are happy that Seth is saved and gives a wry smirk. Wearing his Village People Fisherman Cap, Slavco then remarks, “Jerry, I guess it wasn’t meant to be. It’s your loss and I hope that you are happy with one of your scrubs.” [As the wife of a physician, I was confused by this statement. I have always thought of scrubs as the drab clothing that I have to get blood, vomit and bodily fluid stains off of, but after consulting the Urban Dictionary, http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=scrub, I learned that a “scrub” is so much more. One of the definitions refers to “people who failed to make it onto whatever team/club/board/group.” Correct me if I am wrong, but Slavco failed to make it another week in Jerry’s House of Himbos. Who is the scrub?]

Next week: When Jerry is away, the guys will play, as many topless women come to Himbo House to swim in their pool. Are the guys stupid enough to fall for this one again. [I am guessing, YES!] Jerry has the men play polo against girls and two men will have to go. [I wonder if the men will be playing polo against the topless women from the pool. That would be too much of a coincidence, although I am sure that many men in the audience would like to see topless polo playing.]

For those of you who are interested, here is a link to Gary Rhodes’ site, which also includes some recipes, though, alas, not one for Spotted Dick. http://www.garyrhodes.com/main.html [If you are interested in a recipe, send it to yourself as an ecard.] Also, Austen has a blog where he hilariously comments about the show: http://lumpybump.blogspot.com/. The post from July 1st is particularly amusing.