"Dance" - June 23
show opens with the guys laying around the house and
playing an unusual parlor game. Apparently, Jon styles
himself as a pretty knowledgeable guy, so the others
are asking him amazingly easy trivia questions, and
listening to his equally amazingly stupid answers.
Here are some samples:
How many ounces in a pound?
JOHN ANSWERS: 64
Q: How many months in a year?
JOHN ANSWERS: One
Q: How many days [in a year]?
JOHN ANSWERS: 360
Seth: You cant stump him. Its impossible. (Austen
Q: Whats 20% of 100?
JOHN ANSWERS: 80
Q: How many halves are in a whole?
JOHN ANSWERS: How many wholes are you talking about?
Q: How many feet are in a yard?
JOHN ANSWERS: 64. No, 84.
Maurizio pumps his fist in the air.
Jerry tells the camera that she is involved with a lot
of charities and knows a lot of people. [Pictures of
Elizabeth Taylor and Sean Connery are shown.] Jerry
then talks to Katy on the phone, pretending that Katy
actually has a real job working for her. She wants to
attend the Moet-Chandon party, for example, but is
concerned that she might miss some other event because
of a schedule conflict with Eddie Izzard [which she
pronounces ih-Zard rather than Iz-urd, the way I
have always heard it]. Jerry apparently thinks that
Ralph Fiennes is gorgeous [I agree with her]. Jerry
says that her kept man must be able to handle himself
in public and be able to carry on a conversation
without embarrassing her. [Didnt we already go
through this with Seth last week, and he failed?]
Katy tells all the guys that they are invited to
Jerrys annual ball. First, however, they must learn
the art of conversation. Slavco agrees with Jerry,
saying that Its common sense. If people dont know
how to conversate [sic] with someone, you cant keep
.You know, she wouldnt want you.
[Oh, Bravo, Slavco. You have once again proven your
idiocy, having taken lessons from Devonric, another
great orator.] They go to the London School of
Communications and meet their instructor, Glenn
Kinsey, a communications skills coach. [more info at:
suggests that instead of saying, Thats great, but
[which implies you are a moron] that they say and
instead. He asks Anwar and Ricardo to practice this
Anwar: I think it is interesting that you think
everyone is a hater, AND I think if you were a little
less self-centered, you wouldnt think that. I dont
spend hours upon hours making everyone else wait until
I get ready. [Then the other guys clap in approval.]
Ricardo: I understand what you are saying, AND I
acknowledge what you are saying, BUT
interrupts him to let him know he used the forbidden
Im sorry, Im just being myself. AND
unfortunately, no one including yourself is being
themselves. Umm, I actually dont need to spend a lot
of time in the mirror because I was blessed with a
beautiful shell, I just need to get up and go.
Maurizio then tells the camera that Ricardo is a
wannabe hood-rat with nothing of substance to say.
[What do you really think, Maurizio?]
Glenn next role-plays with the guys, pretending to be
a reporter to see how they will react. He is able to
twist whatever complimentary thing they say about
Jerry into a potential negative comment. Glenn then
takes them to an actual press conference Jerry has
arranged. Jerry and her best-friend Rachel are there
to watch the shenanigans. Jerry thinks Devonric is
beautiful, Maurizio is nice, and Ricardo is vain [now
that was redundant]. Anwar is asked if there are any
guys who cant be trusted, and he denies it, trying to
be a real people-pleaser. Seth is asked the same
question twice, and he responds by saying, You
already asked me that, you retard!, which gets a
laugh. Slavco is asked, Would you consider yourself a
sycophant? Jerry and Rachel comment that he probably
doesnt know what the word means and he proves them
right by responding, Can you define that last word?
Jon spouts some utter nonsense about lifestyles and
learning, basically because he is an idiot; Jerry
tries hard not to laugh out loud. Maurizio tells the
camera that Jon apparently is convinced he is going to
marry Jerry, and that the guys are trying to knock
some sense into him to no avail.
Anwar gets invited to a one-on-one date with Jerry to
attend a Chinese billionaires party for the Chinese
New Year. Its a costume party that Jerry describes as
1920s Shanghai decadence. The party includes some
acrobats and naked people acting as sushi platters
[Been there, done that, on The Surreal Life last
season]. Anwar kept his cool, but told the camera that
it was a little repulsive. Anwar meets the host, Andy
Wong, a billionaire socialite, Prince Azim, the son of
the Sultan of Brunei, Jerrys daughter Elizabeth, Yoko
Ono and Sean Lennon. Jerry was very pleased with Anwar
and called him the perfect date.
The next day the guys go to visit Clovis Stephenson
for dance lessons in preparation for Jerrys costume
ball. [Clovis is introduced as a dance choreographer,
but he looks like a black version of Sideshow Bob with
thinning hair.] Clovis says that he has danced for
Michael Jackson, Celine Dion, and for the Queen of
England, which fails to impress Seth, who thinks he is
simply a ballerina. They are instructed to change into
their dance gear, which was apparently chosen in
colors designed to make them feel very uncomfortable:
mostly pinks and neon pastels. Clovis teaches the guys
a dance sequence, and emphasized how important it is
without telling them exactly why it is important. Seth
prances around with his ass-crack showing [really!].
Clovis then hands the guys the address of the party
they need to be at in one hour, in costume, but they
dont have directions on how to get there.
Jerry and friends get ready for the ball at Gael
Bogliaones house. [Gael is introduced as a former
model, and it must have been in the 1960s or 70s,
because she looks quite old.] Then Jerry says she and
Gael used to model together, either proving that Jerry
is well-preserved, or that Gael is not. The women
preen and prance about while getting dressed up in
extravagant wigs, skirts, and fake facial moles.
Meanwhile, the guys are dressing up costumes of 18th
century house-servants. Ricardo says that they look
like George Washington or Benjamin Franklin, which is
probably the most intelligent thing he has ever said.
The guys wander around the streets trying to find out
how to get to the ball [Hey idiots! Why dont you ask
somebody to help you?]. Anwar says that he feels like
Prince (the artist formerly known by a symbol of
bisexuality) lost on the streets of London. Jerry
arrives at the ball, and is greeted by Katy, who is
dressed as the devil in a red dress with red horns and
horn-rimmed glasses. Jerry seems a little ticked off
that the guys are late.
The guys finally arrive and gawk at the chandelier and
other guests; apparently they are impressed. Jerry
waves at them and gives a giddy deep-throated giggle
[She must have had several drinks before they arrived,
but she isnt as poised as usual]. All the guys are
sitting around, when Anwar decides to show some
initiative and ask Jerry to dance a waltz. Ricardo
whines that all the other guys put on a fake face
around Jerry [Hey pot, youre black!].
Ricardo goes on to complain that the other guys have
been telling Jerry and her friends that he and Slavco
brought some girls back to the house [Which they did].
He says that his plan going into the ball was to
build my character back up. In fact, Jerry does
notice that Ricardo seems on his best behavior and is
being sweet and friendly. Hes having a change of
tune. And then he walks over to Jerry to tell her
Ricardo to Jerry: I need to tell you something and I
need to be as honest as I can.
Ricardo to camera: Im playing fire with fire. [Um,
its fighting fire with fire, bonehead.] Those guys
bite; Im biting harder.
Ricardo to Jerry: Someone told you ladies that we
were, Slavco and I, were the only ones to bring girls
over. There were a lot more girls than just the girls
that we brought. But the unfortunate thing is that
theyre talking s**t about me, so
Jerrys friend Rachel to Ricardo: But arent you now
doing exactly the same thing that youre accusing them
Ricardo: No, Im just being honest. [He is not]
Jerry: Darling, youre spoiling our party a bit.
The DJ then asks all of Jerrys men to report to the
center of the dance floor. What could it be? Hmmm.
Could it be anything to do with the dance moves they
were just taught? The guys are split into two groups
of four, by the color of their outfits. Each group has
to perform the dance routing they just learned [I knew
it!]. Anwar feels personally confident, but has Jon,
Seth, and Ricardo on his team, in whom he has no
confidence at all. Austen, Devonric, Slavco, and
Maurizio go first. Austen says that his team bombed,
and that it was like a group of 4th graders, where the
one kid with ADD wandered off to ask his mom for
water. Maurizio says, If I were Clovis at that point,
Id say Who are these jerks? I taught them a lot
better than that. The second team performs and does
a much better job.
Next each guy has to do a 30-second freestyle dance.
Austen and Anwar are up first. Anwar, grabs Austens
wig and rips it from his head and throws it mockingly
at him. Anwar says, I looked cool, but I had to make
you look stupid. Jerry does not like this type of
behavior. Austen then does a lame white-boy dance, in
which he spanks his own bottom. Ricardo decides that
to stand out, he will strip instead of dance. Devonric
says, Every time his back is against the wall, he has
to refer to his body. Ricardo apparently thinks that
this really impressed Jerry and Friends, but they seem
a bit more shocked and disgusted than amused. Jerry,
obviously annoyed, says, Gosh. If you cant dance,
take your clothes off. Devonric is next, and makes
Austens dance actually look good by comparison. Jon
is next, and Seth says that he looked like a dwarf.
[Actually, he looked more like an Oompa-Loompa, and he
even did the cartwheel moves from the Willy Wonka
movie.] Slavco really busts a move; who knew he could
break-dance so well? Seth mocked both Slavcos
break-dancing and Austens butt-smacking routines.
Maurizios routing included simulated anal sex on Seth
now thats entertainment.
The two big bodyguards with the velvet rope come out.
Jerry and Friends leave the ballroom to deliberate.
They all agree that Maurizio did very well. Jerry also
thought that Anwar and Austen danced well. They were
all disgusted by Ricardos If you cant dance, just
strip mentality. Rachel tells a little story about
Ricardo, how he has said, I think I am a threat to
the other guys, because my parents are so good
looking. Jerry liked Jon, but they all agree he is
just too short. Then another Friend says that Jon
truly believes he will be Jerrys next husband, and
she just laughs. Jerry was very disappointed with
Anwars little escapade in pulling off Austens wig.
Katy gives the guys her little You Cant Always Get
What You Want speech. The guard, Chris, reads off the
himbo names slowly in his basso-profundo voice:
Devonric, who says that he was happy with his
performance this week; Seth, who tells the camera that
his new attitude seems to be working; Slavco, who says
that he was confident he wouldnt be eliminated;
Anwar, who he thinks he did his best; Austen, who
apparently had nothing to say, so they show Maurizios
patented deer-in-the-headlights look; and finally
Maurizio, who is relieved that he no longer has to do
his patented deer-in-the-headlights look.
So we are left with Jon the midget-freakazoid and
Ricardo the idiot-narcissist. Jon tells the camera
that Ricardo kept telling him, Jon youre going to go
home, while we see Ricardo elbowing Jon in a knowing
way. Jon says, In the back of my mind I just wanted
to smack him in the face. [So do we all, Jon] Ricardo
says, Im here to win. I didnt freakin fly out here
Jons name is called, and Ricardo nudges him like he
knew it all the time. Ricardo tells the camera, Yeah,
Im a little upset and bitter, because Im telling the
truth. From Day 1, I used what I have, my sexuality.
All them girls, including Jerry, were intimidated by
me. If I would have played the game, I could still be
in it if I wanted to be. Jerry says that, It was
very very easy to get rid of Ricardo, because Rachel
and I were SO irritated...He was just so cheesy, doing
a strip instead of a proper dance. Hes so full of
Anwar adds that, The happiest thing about today is
that Ricardo is gone.
Seth: Thank god it was Ricardo. Yes!
Austen: Ding dong the bitch is dead.
Maurizio: Bye bye Ricardo.
Ricardo [who apparently thinks its cool to refer to
yourself in the third-person]: Ricardo is going out
like a champion, win or lose. He was ruthless, he was
crazy, but he was honest. [Umm, Ricardo. Which reality
show were you watching? Because in the one I saw, you
were rather dishonest.] He was the only <bleep>er who
didnt really care what people think, man. If the
people at home can not understand where Im coming
from, then they can kiss my ass too!
Thankfully for all you Ricardo fans, there are
websites you may peruse. It seems that Ricardo is a
Power Ranger! [Go, go, Power Rangers!] He played
Cole/Blazing Lion. Here are some words of wisdom from
like his Power Rangers Wild Force counterpart, Cole,
he loves animals, especially dogs [German Shepherds
being his favorite!]. Whenever Ricardo's not working,
activities he enjoys include hanging out with friends,
going to the movies, roller blading, going to the
arcade, and resting in his California home. He also
takes time to pursue many other goals and passions,
one of which is singing [which he began when he was
only seven]. "I would pick up my mom's hairbrush,
pretend it was a microphone, and walk around singing
my favorite songs," he says. Another hobby of his as a
child was collecting some of his favorite toys, which
included "Transformers," "Voltron," "Captain Power,"
and wrestling figurines. Ricardo tells us he was
inspired to act because he wanted to use the attention
to make a difference and be a positive role model.
Now, he is a Power Ranger. Ricardo's Quote: "Your word
is your wand!"
Someone on the message board at the VH-1 web-site also
claims that Ricardo used to be a professional
stripper, which might explain his antics on this
Jerry is throwing a dinner-party and the guys have to
do all the preparation and cooking. [Sounds like an
episode of Wickedly Perfect to me.] The guys go to
cooking school, and Seth curses a lot.
During the credits, we see the Ambiguously Gay Duo of
Ricardo and Slavco having a little chat: Ricardo says,
If you were my girlfriend, this is pretty much how I
would be treating you. I am trying to protect you as
much as if you were my girlfriend. [So I guess the
ambiguous part can be dropped]