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Twelve American males hit up a trip to England in order to woo the former Mrs. Mick Jagger

Recaps by Julie Suchard, GSNN


FACT FILE:
Host: Jerry Hall
EP: Michael Hirschorn, Kim Rozenfeld, Brandon Riegg, Sam Korkis, Julio Kollerbohm, Michael Canter, Debbie Adler Myers
Packager: VH1
Airs: Thursdays at 9pm ET on VH1


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"Dance" - June 23

The show opens with the guys laying around the house and playing an unusual parlor game. Apparently, Jon styles himself as a pretty knowledgeable guy, so the others are asking him amazingly easy trivia questions, and listening to his equally amazingly stupid answers. Here are some samples:

Q: How many ounces in a pound?
JOHN ANSWERS: 64
Q: How many months in a year?
JOHN ANSWERS: One
Q: How many days [in a year]?
JOHN ANSWERS: 360
Seth: You can’t stump him. It’s impossible. (Austen laughs)
Q: What’s 20% of 100?
JOHN ANSWERS: 80
Q: How many halves are in a whole?
JOHN ANSWERS: How many wholes are you talking about?
Q: How many feet are in a yard?
JOHN ANSWERS: 64. No, 84.
Maurizio pumps his fist in the air.

Jerry tells the camera that she is involved with a lot of charities and knows a lot of people. [Pictures of Elizabeth Taylor and Sean Connery are shown.] Jerry then talks to Katy on the phone, pretending that Katy actually has a real job working for her. She wants to attend the Moet-Chandon party, for example, but is concerned that she might miss some other event because of a schedule conflict with Eddie Izzard [which she pronounces ‘ih-Zard’ rather than ‘Iz-urd’, the way I have always heard it]. Jerry apparently thinks that Ralph Fiennes is gorgeous [I agree with her]. Jerry says that her kept man must be able to handle himself in public and be able to carry on a conversation without embarrassing her. [Didn’t we already go through this with Seth last week, and he failed?]

Katy tells all the guys that they are invited to Jerry’s annual ball. First, however, they must learn the art of conversation. Slavco agrees with Jerry, saying that “It’s common sense. If people don’t know how to conversate [sic] with someone, you can’t keep them interested….You know, she wouldn’t want you.” [Oh, Bravo, Slavco. You have once again proven your idiocy, having taken lessons from Devonric, another great orator.] They go to the London School of Communications and meet their instructor, Glenn Kinsey, a communications skills coach. [more info at: http://www.pozitiv.com/glennkinsey.htm] Glenn suggests that instead of saying, “That’s great, but…” [which implies you are a moron] that they say “and” instead. He asks Anwar and Ricardo to practice this new technique.
Anwar: I think it is interesting that you think everyone is a hater, AND I think if you were a little less self-centered, you wouldn’t think that. I don’t spend hours upon hours making everyone else wait until I get ready. [Then the other guys clap in approval.]

Ricardo: I understand what you are saying, AND I acknowledge what you are saying, BUT… [Glenn interrupts him to let him know he used the forbidden word] …I’m sorry, I’m just being myself. AND unfortunately, no one including yourself is being themselves. Umm, I actually don’t need to spend a lot of time in the mirror because I was blessed with a beautiful shell, I just need to get up and go.

Maurizio then tells the camera that Ricardo is a wannabe hood-rat with nothing of substance to say. [What do you really think, Maurizio?]

Glenn next role-plays with the guys, pretending to be a reporter to see how they will react. He is able to twist whatever complimentary thing they say about Jerry into a potential negative comment. Glenn then takes them to an actual press conference Jerry has arranged. Jerry and her best-friend Rachel are there to watch the shenanigans. Jerry thinks Devonric is beautiful, Maurizio is nice, and Ricardo is vain [now that was redundant]. Anwar is asked if there are any guys who can’t be trusted, and he denies it, trying to be a real people-pleaser. Seth is asked the same question twice, and he responds by saying, “You already asked me that, you retard!”, which gets a laugh. Slavco is asked, “Would you consider yourself a sycophant?” Jerry and Rachel comment that he probably doesn’t know what the word means and he proves them right by responding, “Can you define that last word?” Jon spouts some utter nonsense about lifestyles and learning, basically because he is an idiot; Jerry tries hard not to laugh out loud. Maurizio tells the camera that Jon apparently is convinced he is going to marry Jerry, and that the guys are trying to knock some sense into him to no avail.

Anwar gets invited to a one-on-one date with Jerry to attend a Chinese billionaire’s party for the Chinese New Year. It’s a costume party that Jerry describes as 1920s Shanghai decadence. The party includes some acrobats and naked people acting as sushi platters [Been there, done that, on “The Surreal Life” last season]. Anwar kept his cool, but told the camera that it was a little repulsive. Anwar meets the host, Andy Wong, a billionaire socialite, Prince Azim, the son of the Sultan of Brunei, Jerry’s daughter Elizabeth, Yoko Ono and Sean Lennon. Jerry was very pleased with Anwar and called him the perfect date.

The next day the guys go to visit Clovis Stephenson for dance lessons in preparation for Jerry’s costume ball. [Clovis is introduced as a dance choreographer, but he looks like a black version of Sideshow Bob with thinning hair.] Clovis says that he has danced for Michael Jackson, Celine Dion, and for the Queen of England, which fails to impress Seth, who thinks he is simply a ballerina. They are instructed to change into their dance gear, which was apparently chosen in colors designed to make them feel very uncomfortable: mostly pinks and neon pastels. Clovis teaches the guys a dance sequence, and emphasized how important it is without telling them exactly why it is important. Seth prances around with his ass-crack showing [really!]. Clovis then hands the guys the address of the party they need to be at in one hour, in costume, but they don’t have directions on how to get there.

Jerry and friends get ready for the ball at Gael Bogliaone’s house. [Gael is introduced as a “former model”, and it must have been in the 1960s or 70s, because she looks quite old.] Then Jerry says she and Gael used to model together, either proving that Jerry is well-preserved, or that Gael is not. The women preen and prance about while getting dressed up in extravagant wigs, skirts, and fake facial moles. Meanwhile, the guys are dressing up costumes of 18th century house-servants. Ricardo says that they look like George Washington or Benjamin Franklin, which is probably the most intelligent thing he has ever said. The guys wander around the streets trying to find out how to get to the ball [Hey idiots! Why don’t you ask somebody to help you?]. Anwar says that he feels like Prince (the artist formerly known by a symbol of bisexuality) lost on the streets of London. Jerry arrives at the ball, and is greeted by Katy, who is dressed as the devil in a red dress with red horns and horn-rimmed glasses. Jerry seems a little ticked off that the guys are late.

The guys finally arrive and gawk at the chandelier and other guests; apparently they are impressed. Jerry waves at them and gives a giddy deep-throated giggle [She must have had several drinks before they arrived, but she isn’t as poised as usual]. All the guys are sitting around, when Anwar decides to show some initiative and ask Jerry to dance a waltz. Ricardo whines that all the other guys put on a fake face around Jerry [Hey pot, you’re black!].

Ricardo goes on to complain that the other guys have been telling Jerry and her friends that he and Slavco brought some girls back to the house [Which they did]. He says that his plan going into the ball was to “build my character back up”. In fact, Jerry does notice that Ricardo seems on his best behavior and is “being sweet and friendly. He’s having a change of tune.” And then he walks over to Jerry to tell her something:
Ricardo to Jerry: I need to tell you something and I need to be as honest as I can.
Ricardo to camera: I’m playing fire with fire. [Um, it’s ‘fighting fire with fire’, bonehead.] Those guys bite; I’m biting harder.

Ricardo to Jerry: Someone told you ladies that we were, Slavco and I, were the only ones to bring girls over. There were a lot more girls than just the girls that we brought. But the unfortunate thing is that they’re talking s**t about me, so…

Jerry’s friend Rachel to Ricardo: But aren’t you now doing exactly the same thing that you’re accusing them of doing?

Ricardo: No, I’m just being honest. [He is not]

Jerry: Darling, you’re spoiling our party a bit.

The DJ then asks all of Jerry’s men to report to the center of the dance floor. What could it be? Hmmm. Could it be anything to do with the dance moves they were just taught? The guys are split into two groups of four, by the color of their outfits. Each group has to perform the dance routing they just learned [I knew it!]. Anwar feels personally confident, but has Jon, Seth, and Ricardo on his team, in whom he has no confidence at all. Austen, Devonric, Slavco, and Maurizio go first. Austen says that his team bombed, and that it was like a group of 4th graders, where the one kid with ADD wandered off to ask his mom for water. Maurizio says, “If I were Clovis at that point, I’d say ‘Who are these jerks? I taught them a lot better than that.’” The second team performs and does a much better job.

Next each guy has to do a 30-second freestyle dance. Austen and Anwar are up first. Anwar, grabs Austen’s wig and rips it from his head and throws it mockingly at him. Anwar says, “I looked cool, but I had to make you look stupid.” Jerry does not like this type of behavior. Austen then does a lame white-boy dance, in which he spanks his own bottom. Ricardo decides that to stand out, he will strip instead of dance. Devonric says, “Every time his back is against the wall, he has to refer to his body.” Ricardo apparently thinks that this really impressed Jerry and Friends, but they seem a bit more shocked and disgusted than amused. Jerry, obviously annoyed, says, “Gosh. If you can’t dance, take your clothes off.” Devonric is next, and makes Austen’s dance actually look good by comparison. Jon is next, and Seth says that he looked like a dwarf. [Actually, he looked more like an Oompa-Loompa, and he even did the cartwheel moves from the Willy Wonka movie.] Slavco really busts a move; who knew he could break-dance so well? Seth mocked both Slavco’s break-dancing and Austen’s butt-smacking routines. Maurizio’s routing included simulated anal sex on Seth – now that’s entertainment.

The two big bodyguards with the velvet rope come out. Jerry and Friends leave the ballroom to deliberate. They all agree that Maurizio did very well. Jerry also thought that Anwar and Austen danced well. They were all disgusted by Ricardo’s “If you can’t dance, just strip” mentality. Rachel tells a little story about Ricardo, how he has said, “I think I am a threat to the other guys, because my parents are so good looking.” Jerry liked Jon, but they all agree he is just too short. Then another Friend says that Jon truly believes he will be Jerry’s next husband, and she just laughs. Jerry was very disappointed with Anwar’s little escapade in pulling off Austen’s wig.

Katy gives the guys her little “You Can’t Always Get What You Want” speech. The guard, Chris, reads off the himbo names slowly in his basso-profundo voice: Devonric, who says that he was happy with his performance this week; Seth, who tells the camera that his new attitude seems to be working; Slavco, who says that he was confident he wouldn’t be eliminated; Anwar, who he thinks he did his best; Austen, who apparently had nothing to say, so they show Maurizio’s patented deer-in-the-headlights look; and finally Maurizio, who is relieved that he no longer has to do his patented deer-in-the-headlights look.

So we are left with Jon the midget-freakazoid and Ricardo the idiot-narcissist. Jon tells the camera that Ricardo kept telling him, “Jon you’re going to go home,” while we see Ricardo elbowing Jon in a knowing way. Jon says, “In the back of my mind I just wanted to smack him in the face.” [So do we all, Jon] Ricardo says, “I’m here to win. I didn’t freakin’ fly out here to lose.”

Jon’s name is called, and Ricardo nudges him like he knew it all the time. Ricardo tells the camera, “Yeah, I’m a little upset and bitter, because I’m telling the truth. From Day 1, I used what I have, my sexuality. All them girls, including Jerry, were intimidated by me. If I would have played the game, I could still be in it if I wanted to be.” Jerry says that, “It was very very easy to get rid of Ricardo, because Rachel and I were SO irritated...He was just so cheesy, doing a strip instead of a proper dance. He’s so full of himself.”

Anwar adds that, “The happiest thing about today is that Ricardo is gone.”
Seth: Thank god it was Ricardo. Yes!
Austen: Ding dong the bitch is dead.
Maurizio: Bye bye Ricardo.
Ricardo [who apparently thinks it’s cool to refer to yourself in the third-person]: Ricardo is going out like a champion, win or lose. He was ruthless, he was crazy, but he was honest. [Umm, Ricardo. Which reality show were you watching? Because in the one I saw, you were rather dishonest.] He was the only <bleep>er who didn’t really care what people think, man. If the people at home can not understand where I’m coming from, then they can kiss my ass too!”

Thankfully for all you Ricardo fans, there are websites you may peruse. It seems that Ricardo is a Power Ranger! [Go, go, Power Rangers!] He played Cole/Blazing Lion. Here are some words of wisdom from his website: http://www.producingpr.com/ricardomedinajr/ Much like his Power Rangers Wild Force counterpart, Cole, he loves animals, especially dogs [German Shepherds being his favorite!]. Whenever Ricardo's not working, activities he enjoys include hanging out with friends, going to the movies, roller blading, going to the arcade, and resting in his California home. He also takes time to pursue many other goals and passions, one of which is singing [which he began when he was only seven]. "I would pick up my mom's hairbrush, pretend it was a microphone, and walk around singing my favorite songs," he says. Another hobby of his as a child was collecting some of his favorite toys, which included "Transformers," "Voltron," "Captain Power," and wrestling figurines. Ricardo tells us he was inspired to act because he wanted to use the attention to make a difference and be a positive role model. Now, he is a Power Ranger. Ricardo's Quote: "Your word is your wand!"

Someone on the message board at the VH-1 web-site also claims that Ricardo used to be a professional stripper, which might explain his antics on this episode.

Next Week:
Jerry is throwing a dinner-party and the guys have to do all the preparation and cooking. [Sounds like an episode of “Wickedly Perfect” to me.] The guys go to cooking school, and Seth curses a lot.

During the credits, we see the Ambiguously Gay Duo of Ricardo and Slavco having a little chat: Ricardo says, “If you were my girlfriend, this is pretty much how I would be treating you. I am trying to protect you as much as if you were my girlfriend.” [So I guess the ‘ambiguous’ part can be dropped]

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