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Twelve American males hit up a trip to England in order to woo the former Mrs. Mick Jagger

Recaps by Julie Suchard, GSNN


FACT FILE:
Host: Jerry Hall
EP: Michael Hirschorn, Kim Rozenfeld, Brandon Riegg, Sam Korkis, Julio Kollerbohm, Michael Canter, Debbie Adler Myers
Packager: VH1
Airs: Thursdays at 9pm ET on VH1


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"Art And..." - June 9

[Julie-gram: I just noticed that in the Monty Pythonesque opening montage, at one point the men are depicted shooting skeet, but instead of clay pigeons they are shooting at badminton shuttlecocks. Now there would be an interesting sport: adding firearms to badminton. Reminds me of Rollerball, the original 1975 version with James Caan…but I digress.]

Jerry opens tonight’s episode saying that she was so impressed with her boys in the fashion show that she decided to give them a treat. The men all go to London’s hottest nightclub, the Funky Buddha, for VIP treatment. They immediately start “double-fisting”… something apparently to do with consuming alcohol, but sounding much worse. Slavco and Ricardo start hitting on the ladies, seemingly forgetting that they are 1) being documented on camera, and 2) supposed to be there [i.e., in England] to impress Jerry. The other guys don’t mind, because they’d all rather not be around the “Ambiguously Gay Duo” [my term for the pretty boys; also known as AGD for short].

Well, what do you know? AGD decides to invite some lovely ladies back to the house. [Cripes, guys! It’s not your house; it’s Jerry’s!] The viewer is then treated to scenes of AGD groping and snogging with their lady-friends, who are not all that attractive by the way. The other guys congregate in the kitchen to bitch about how undedicated AGD must be to the overall object of the competition, when Ricardo comes in to tell them they need to turn the lights out. Response: “Why? So she can’t see how small it is?” [Good one!]

Rather than just let it go, Ricardo retorts with, “I guarantee you that my dick is longer than anybody’s! Who is willing to put their pants down and expose it to the world like I am?”, daring the other guys to a ‘I’ll show you mine, if you show me yours’ contest. [How adolescent of him; also proving that he is, indeed, bisexual if not totally gay {Slavco must be pleased}.] Then, to top it off, Ricardo explains to the camera that he must be a “master debater” since no one would respond to his challenge. [Get it? “Master debater” = masturbator. Oh Ricardo, you slay me!] Anwar thankfully ends the discussion by saying that, as a black man, he doesn’t have issues with his penis size, and that if Ricardo is so proud of his, he should take it upstairs to his girl and prove it. Seth actually suggests that Ricardo is being a little racist with his comments. In the morning, the AGD primp in front of the mirror as Frank complains about how selfish they are.

We next see Jerry being awakened in bed by her maidservant. Jerry thumbs through a scamrag, which shows pictures of her himbos posing in their undies from the previous episode of Kept. One of the headlines is “Jerry’s Hunky Harem”. She sends the guys for brunch to Petersham, a luxury hotel, where they meet Sara. Unbeknownst to the guys, Sara (another of Jerry’s friends) is really Lady Apsley, who used to run a school for butlers and is there to evaluate their etiquette. Jerry hopes they will have their guard down after a night out, so they will walk into the mousetrap she has set for them.

They are served spaghetti. John says that he is happy to be served “American food.” [Oh, you idiot!] They also get some unidentified soup. Lady Apsley is appalled at their lack of manners, and even Jason thinks Ricardo is an idiot for tucking his napkin into his shirt. Anwar figures out that something is fishy, and decides to follow Lady Apsley’s lead in table manners. Frank picked his nose. After the meal, Lady Apsley gets up and tells the guys that she is to be addressed as “Lady Apsley”, since she is the wife of a viscount.

After a commercial break, the Viscountess Apsley schools the himbos in how to properly eat spaghetti (fork alone), eat soup (NOT like eating a bowl of cereal), pull a chair for a lady, set the table, and to bow. Jason tries to suck up to the teacher by asking where one would put candles at a place-setting for a romantic candlelight dinner; Devonric calls him a brown-noser, and rightfully so. To the camera, Ricardo once again demonstrates his shallowness by saying that all the harping on manners is bullshit, in one ear and out the other, but that he will be in the zone when Jerry is around. [He just doesn’t understand that he is being taped, and that Jerry can be shown anything he says or does.] Jerry comes in and asks Sara to pick the most well-mannered gentleman to accompany her to tea. Devonric tells the camera that he has not had much time to “conversate” with Jerry [Of course you haven’t, because “conversate” isn’t a word, you dolt!]. Sara chooses Jason, and everyone else tries to hide their disappointment. [Hey, I guess ass-kissing works!]

Jason and Jerry talk about the theatre over tea and scones. Jerry was asked to play Mrs. Robinson in “The Graduate”. This, of course, lead to a discussion of nude scenes, which Jason takes as a positive sign. Jason continues the brown-nosing by saying, “Your friends are absolutely out of this world!” [Though he was thinking that her friends remind him of his mother’s friends…] After it was over, Jerry called Jason “charming”.

Katy visits the guys later that night to let them know their next task will have a more artistic nature. [I just can’t take her melodramatics seriously, knowing that she is simply an actress chosen for the part and not an actual regular employee of Jerry’s. Of course, the soft-porn motorcycle photographs (see recap for Week #1) might have something to do with it as well.] Frank complains that Slavco has a Bachelor’s degree in Art, Maurizio paints regularly, and that Anwar loves to draw. [Hey Frank. Deal with it. Once they have the Ultimate Fighting competition, you are a shoo-in to win.] Frank says he has never, ever drawn or painted.

The next morning they all go to Landmark Arts Centre, an art school apparently located in a gothic-style church. There they meet Christian Furr, the youngest artist ever to have painted the Queen of England; Jerry owns a few of his works. Christian starts giving the guys a lesson in art composition, while they roll their eyes and yawn. Their mood changes as Nikki comes in to act as a live model. She enters in a blue silk robe, which she removes dramatically revealing…well, revealing nothing to the viewer through the use of camera angles, animated stars, and a blurring out of her buttocks. [Who is Nikki? We’ll never know. Just some random busty brunette who leaped at the chance to expose herself for money on a cable TV show.]

Christian tells them to make a charcoal drawing of the nude, and they flail about. He remarks several times that if they make a mistake they can “rub it out”, and Seth makes the obvious connection [or is it connexion?] to masturbation, which he apparently is planning on doing later that day or the next. The next lesson is in painting. They get split into pairs, and Anwar is not happy to be paired with Ricardo.

Half of the guys go up on stage and are handed some props (shield, bow, spear, etc.). Then they are told to remove their clothing. Ricardo is pleased, because he says he loves to be naked; yet, he practically hides behind the shield so that no one can get a look at “Little Ricky”. Austen says that Ricardo probably has a little light-switch of a penis, and so he is a bit embarrassed. Frank says, “I got to be a nude model, which was cool. That didn’t bother me at all.” [Apparently, this is not the first time Frank has modeled in the buff. {Not For Work or the Kiddies: Rated NC-17 again}: http://www.empyreanphotography.com/N1/02.html Embarrassing photographs of reality show “celebrities”: yet another service provided by your humble servant.]

Christian tells them to adopt dynamic, masculine poses. “This is not a female, feminine, reclining pose; this is about dynamism.” [Oh Christian. They have no idea what you are talking about.] Although the other nude guys are holding weapons, for some reason Jason is holding a bowl of fruit. Christian’s comment to Jon is to “put the banana bang in the middle”. [This guy is hilarious without even trying.] Anwar intentionally makes Ricardo’s head small on his painting. Seth remarks that Ricardo is “definitely no a show-er” as he changes in a corner, in contrast to his big words in the kitchen. Seth plays with his little guy while posing, angering Christian, who commented that it was distracting.

Once they were done, Katy comes in. She tells them that some art critics and some of Jerry’s celebrity friends are gathering that evening to evaluation their artwork. Their paintings are going to be auctioned off. Jerry has a friend over to help pick out her clothes for the event. She goes through several rooms of clothes and eventually decides that she doesn’t have anything at all to wear. So she calls her stylist, Therita, who arrives with some new clothes and a purse with (what looks like) brass knuckles attached. [I know that I am no longer recapping Wickedly Perfect, but I have to say that I found the lack of matching hangers and general chaos in Jerry’s closet to be appalling.]

Back at Landmark Arts there is a cocktail party going on, as everyone views the art before the auction. Ricardo spouts some absolute bullshit about how his picture of Anwar as a harpist “pushes the dark influences away”.

Seth’s painting is up first: a non-descript figure almost like a baby-doll with no face. Opening bid is set at 20 pounds, and nobody responds for a while until Jerry makes the first bid. It eventually sells for 70 pounds to Jerry Hall. Jon’s picture is called “A Man in Movement” (green and blurry) and he makes a totally lame speech about movement, moving, move, movement, movement, move before finally shutting up; it also goes for 70 pounds. Frank is amazed at the bidding on his piece of garbage representing Devonric’s daily struggles; 170 pounds. Christian also was surprised at the prices of the paintings, which we now see in rapid-fire: Devonric’s picture of Frank metamorphosing into Jimi Hendrix [really!] went for 300 pounds; Mauizio’s = 500 pounds; Anwar’s = 750 pounds; Jason’s = 1300 pounds. Maurizio makes some comment about how the bidders are spending their husbands’ money. Slavco’s painting of Maurizio, called “The Bum”, goes for 3600 pounds. Ricardo’s goes for 550 pounds, but only after he tries to bamboozle the audience with his BS interpretation of light vs. darkness. Austen’s painting is entitled, “My Plane-Ticket Home,” since he thinks that the elimination will be based on the auction proceedings. Jerry remarks that, while Austen’s painting wasn’t very good, he cleverly used sympathy to buff up the price; it went for 1700 pounds. [What the hell was going on there? Most of these paintings were absolute crap, and certainly none of them worth more than a few hundred dollars (mostly for the frame). These bidders had WAY too much disposable income. I also wonder who is getting the proceeds of the auction, will Katy be getting it so that she can buy a new motorcycle?]

Jerry and her friends discuss who will go home, while the guys wait in the church. They all agree that Ricardo is very vain, which Jerry says is unattractive in a man. Slavco apparently tried to hide that he had studied art, which they didn’t like, although they did think his painting was good. They dissed Frank for being aloof and Jon for being a dufus. Katy enters to tell them that soon one of them will be going….going…gone. [Gee, I never saw that auction metaphor coming.] Jerry has made a list of the young men who will stay and if they aren’t on the list, well “You Can’t Always Get What You Want.” One by one, the men’s names are called: Jason, Austen, Jon [What?!?], Anwar, Seth, Ricardo, Maurizio, Devonric, Slavco [Frank mouths the word “f***”]…

Leaving Frank sitting all alone, in his Triggonomics hoodie that he has been wearing for the entire show [using his last opportunity for free advertising for his website]. Jerry says Frank was hard to get to know, whereas her kept man has be very open. The camera pulls back on Frank as we hear Green Day’s “Boulevard of Broken Dreams”.

Next Time:
Jerry takes the guys for a weekend in the country. Castle with a moat and a hedge-maze. Skeet shooting. Slavco and Seth get into a fight.

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