"Art And..." -
June 9
[Julie-gram: I just noticed that in the Monty
Pythonesque opening montage, at one point the men are
depicted shooting skeet, but instead of clay pigeons
they are shooting at badminton shuttlecocks. Now there
would be an interesting sport: adding firearms to
badminton. Reminds me of Rollerball, the original 1975
version with James Caan
but I digress.]
Jerry opens tonights episode saying that she was so
impressed with her boys in the fashion show that she
decided to give them a treat. The men all go to
Londons hottest nightclub, the Funky Buddha, for VIP
treatment. They immediately start double-fisting
something apparently to do with consuming alcohol, but
sounding much worse. Slavco and Ricardo start hitting
on the ladies, seemingly forgetting that they are 1)
being documented on camera, and 2) supposed to be
there [i.e., in England] to impress Jerry. The other
guys dont mind, because theyd all rather not be
around the Ambiguously Gay Duo [my term for the
pretty boys; also known as AGD for short].
Well, what do you know? AGD decides to invite some
lovely ladies back to the house. [Cripes, guys! Its
not your house; its Jerrys!] The viewer is then
treated to scenes of AGD groping and snogging with
their lady-friends, who are not all that attractive by
the way. The other guys congregate in the kitchen to
bitch about how undedicated AGD must be to the overall
object of the competition, when Ricardo comes in to
tell them they need to turn the lights out. Response:
Why? So she cant see how small it is? [Good one!]
Rather than just let it go, Ricardo retorts with, I
guarantee you that my dick is longer than anybodys!
Who is willing to put their pants down and expose it
to the world like I am?, daring the other guys to a
Ill show you mine, if you show me yours contest.
[How adolescent of him; also proving that he is,
indeed, bisexual if not totally gay {Slavco must be
pleased}.] Then, to top it off, Ricardo explains to
the camera that he must be a master debater since no
one would respond to his challenge. [Get it? Master
debater = masturbator. Oh Ricardo, you slay me!]
Anwar thankfully ends the discussion by saying that,
as a black man, he doesnt have issues with his penis
size, and that if Ricardo is so proud of his, he
should take it upstairs to his girl and prove it. Seth
actually suggests that Ricardo is being a little
racist with his comments. In the morning, the AGD
primp in front of the mirror as Frank complains about
how selfish they are.
We next see Jerry being awakened in bed by her
maidservant. Jerry thumbs through a scamrag, which
shows pictures of her himbos posing in their undies
from the previous episode of Kept. One of the
headlines is Jerrys Hunky Harem. She sends the guys
for brunch to Petersham, a luxury hotel, where they
meet Sara. Unbeknownst to the guys, Sara (another of
Jerrys friends) is really Lady Apsley, who used to
run a school for butlers and is there to evaluate
their etiquette. Jerry hopes they will have their
guard down after a night out, so they will walk into
the mousetrap she has set for them.
They are served spaghetti. John says that he is happy
to be served American food. [Oh, you idiot!] They
also get some unidentified soup. Lady Apsley is
appalled at their lack of manners, and even Jason
thinks Ricardo is an idiot for tucking his napkin into
his shirt. Anwar figures out that something is fishy,
and decides to follow Lady Apsleys lead in table
manners. Frank picked his nose. After the meal, Lady
Apsley gets up and tells the guys that she is to be
addressed as Lady Apsley, since she is the wife of a
viscount.
After a commercial break, the Viscountess Apsley
schools the himbos in how to properly eat spaghetti
(fork alone), eat soup (NOT like eating a bowl of
cereal), pull a chair for a lady, set the table, and
to bow. Jason tries to suck up to the teacher by
asking where one would put candles at a place-setting
for a romantic candlelight dinner; Devonric calls him
a brown-noser, and rightfully so. To the camera,
Ricardo once again demonstrates his shallowness by
saying that all the harping on manners is bullshit, in
one ear and out the other, but that he will be in the
zone when Jerry is around. [He just doesnt understand
that he is being taped, and that Jerry can be shown
anything he says or does.] Jerry comes in and asks
Sara to pick the most well-mannered gentleman to
accompany her to tea. Devonric tells the camera that
he has not had much time to conversate with Jerry
[Of course you havent, because conversate isnt a
word, you dolt!]. Sara chooses Jason, and everyone
else tries to hide their disappointment. [Hey, I guess
ass-kissing works!]
Jason and Jerry talk about the theatre over tea and
scones. Jerry was asked to play Mrs. Robinson in The
Graduate. This, of course, lead to a discussion of
nude scenes, which Jason takes as a positive sign.
Jason continues the brown-nosing by saying, Your
friends are absolutely out of this world! [Though he
was thinking that her friends remind him of his
mothers friends
] After it was over, Jerry called
Jason charming.
Katy visits the guys later that night to let them know
their next task will have a more artistic nature. [I
just cant take her melodramatics seriously, knowing
that she is simply an actress chosen for the part and
not an actual regular employee of Jerrys. Of course,
the soft-porn motorcycle photographs (see recap for
Week #1) might have something to do with it as well.]
Frank complains that Slavco has a Bachelors degree in
Art, Maurizio paints regularly, and that Anwar loves
to draw. [Hey Frank. Deal with it. Once they have the
Ultimate Fighting competition, you are a shoo-in to
win.] Frank says he has never, ever drawn or painted.
The next morning they all go to Landmark Arts Centre,
an art school apparently located in a gothic-style
church. There they meet Christian Furr, the youngest
artist ever to have painted the Queen of England;
Jerry owns a few of his works. Christian starts giving
the guys a lesson in art composition, while they roll
their eyes and yawn. Their mood changes as Nikki comes
in to act as a live model. She enters in a blue silk
robe, which she removes dramatically revealing
well,
revealing nothing to the viewer through the use of
camera angles, animated stars, and a blurring out of
her buttocks. [Who is Nikki? Well never know. Just
some random busty brunette who leaped at the chance to
expose herself for money on a cable TV show.]
Christian tells them to make a charcoal drawing of the
nude, and they flail about. He remarks several times
that if they make a mistake they can rub it out, and
Seth makes the obvious connection [or is it connexion?]
to masturbation, which he apparently is planning on
doing later that day or the next. The next lesson is
in painting. They get split into pairs, and Anwar is
not happy to be paired with Ricardo.
Half of the guys go up on stage and are handed some
props (shield, bow, spear, etc.). Then they are told
to remove their clothing. Ricardo is pleased, because
he says he loves to be naked; yet, he practically
hides behind the shield so that no one can get a look
at Little Ricky. Austen says that Ricardo probably
has a little light-switch of a penis, and so he is a
bit embarrassed. Frank says, I got to be a nude
model, which was cool. That didnt bother me at all.
[Apparently, this is not the first time Frank has
modeled in the buff. {Not For Work or the Kiddies:
Rated NC-17 again}:
http://www.empyreanphotography.com/N1/02.html
Embarrassing photographs of reality show
celebrities: yet another service provided by your
humble servant.]
Christian tells them to adopt dynamic, masculine
poses. This is not a female, feminine, reclining
pose; this is about dynamism. [Oh Christian. They
have no idea what you are talking about.] Although the
other nude guys are holding weapons, for some reason
Jason is holding a bowl of fruit. Christians comment
to Jon is to put the banana bang in the middle.
[This guy is hilarious without even trying.] Anwar
intentionally makes Ricardos head small on his
painting. Seth remarks that Ricardo is definitely no
a show-er as he changes in a corner, in contrast to
his big words in the kitchen. Seth plays with his
little guy while posing, angering Christian, who
commented that it was distracting.
Once they were done, Katy comes in. She tells them
that some art critics and some of Jerrys celebrity
friends are gathering that evening to evaluation their
artwork. Their paintings are going to be auctioned
off. Jerry has a friend over to help pick out her
clothes for the event. She goes through several rooms
of clothes and eventually decides that she doesnt
have anything at all to wear. So she calls her
stylist, Therita, who arrives with some new clothes
and a purse with (what looks like) brass knuckles
attached. [I know that I am no longer recapping
Wickedly Perfect, but I have to say that I found the
lack of matching hangers and general chaos in Jerrys
closet to be appalling.]
Back at Landmark Arts there is a cocktail party going
on, as everyone views the art before the auction.
Ricardo spouts some absolute bullshit about how his
picture of Anwar as a harpist pushes the dark
influences away.
Seths painting is up first: a non-descript figure
almost like a baby-doll with no face. Opening bid is
set at 20 pounds, and nobody responds for a while
until Jerry makes the first bid. It eventually sells
for 70 pounds to Jerry Hall. Jons picture is called
A Man in Movement (green and blurry) and he makes a
totally lame speech about movement, moving, move,
movement, movement, move before finally shutting up;
it also goes for 70 pounds. Frank is amazed at the
bidding on his piece of garbage representing
Devonrics daily struggles; 170 pounds. Christian also
was surprised at the prices of the paintings, which we
now see in rapid-fire: Devonrics picture of Frank
metamorphosing into Jimi Hendrix [really!] went for
300 pounds; Mauizios = 500 pounds; Anwars = 750
pounds; Jasons = 1300 pounds. Maurizio makes some
comment about how the bidders are spending their
husbands money. Slavcos painting of Maurizio, called
The Bum, goes for 3600 pounds. Ricardos goes for
550 pounds, but only after he tries to bamboozle the
audience with his BS interpretation of light vs.
darkness. Austens painting is entitled, My
Plane-Ticket Home, since he thinks that the
elimination will be based on the auction proceedings.
Jerry remarks that, while Austens painting wasnt
very good, he cleverly used sympathy to buff up the
price; it went for 1700 pounds. [What the hell was
going on there? Most of these paintings were absolute
crap, and certainly none of them worth more than a few
hundred dollars (mostly for the frame). These bidders
had WAY too much disposable income. I also wonder who
is getting the proceeds of the auction, will Katy be
getting it so that she can buy a new motorcycle?]
Jerry and her friends discuss who will go home, while
the guys wait in the church. They all agree that
Ricardo is very vain, which Jerry says is unattractive
in a man. Slavco apparently tried to hide that he had
studied art, which they didnt like, although they did
think his painting was good. They dissed Frank for
being aloof and Jon for being a dufus. Katy enters to
tell them that soon one of them will be
going
.going
gone. [Gee, I never saw that auction
metaphor coming.] Jerry has made a list of the young
men who will stay and if they arent on the list, well
You Cant Always Get What You Want. One by one, the
mens names are called: Jason, Austen, Jon [What?!?],
Anwar, Seth, Ricardo, Maurizio, Devonric, Slavco
[Frank mouths the word f***]
Leaving Frank sitting all alone, in his Triggonomics
hoodie that he has been wearing for the entire show
[using his last opportunity for free advertising for
his website]. Jerry says Frank was hard to get to
know, whereas her kept man has be very open. The
camera pulls back on Frank as we hear Green Days
Boulevard of Broken Dreams.
Next Time:
Jerry takes the guys for a weekend in the country.
Castle with a moat and a hedge-maze. Skeet shooting.
Slavco and Seth get into a fight. |