Jason: Now that's a show we will watch! Ken if you are reading this...get it to the networks...STAT! I'll host. I have quiz bowl experience! I look good in a suit. I have quiz bowl writing and hosting experience.
Chico: I have quiz bowl competing experience.
Jason: Bring it quiz boy :)
Gordon: I judge quiz bowlers and make them cry. Does that count?
Jason: Yes.
Chico: Uh huh.
Gordon: Now most people on Christmas Eve like to go to the theater. We would like to fulfill that request here.
Chico: Let's go to the theater.
Jason: I got the black tights on ready to go.
Chico: Gordon and Jason...

You've just been chosen to be in a chorus manned by Billy Joel. Try to make your way through rehearsal without having a diva-style meltdown. And...Action!

Gordon: Hey Jason - isn't this gig cool? I've been waiting for The Longest Time to be able to sing with him
Jason: Way cool.
Gordon: I'm looking at all the pretty Uptown Girls that will be singing with us.
Jason: But I am telling you...I am getting the solo in Piano Man.
Gordon: I hope being a Big Shot won't go to your head.
Jason: I hope this wont be too much Pressure. I mean if this goes bad...we won't even be heard in Allentown.
Gordon: True, and you could Say Goodbye To Hollywood...oh no, the curtain had been ignited!
Jason: Hey, We Didn't Start the Fire!
Gordon: You go find the stage manager and Tell Her About It. I'll tell Billy that we didn't start the fire. I know that it's A Matter of Trust.
Jason: Fine...I'm Movin' Out. remember...I am An Innocent Man!
Gordon: Save yourself! Only the Good Die Young!

CUT!

Gordon: Enough Billy Joel puns for ya?
Chico: Points off for not including looking at Brenda and Eddie funny. Heh. Okay, next?
Gordon: Next one...

Jason, you are Pat Santucci, the person who was drawn randomly 5 times by the Duel Computer and didn't get to play. Chico, you are Ken Danberry, the Alligator Wrestler who could have selected him at the end - but didn't and lost to Jim Boulgardies and now has to play a playoff on Sunday. And...Action!

Jason: Hey Danberry....you got a problem with me? I have been sitting her all week? Are you afraid of me? Everyone has been afraid of the Santucci man!
Chico: I wonder how I would've gone up against Pat. Hey Pat, get down here while Greenie's not watching.
Jason: Really? (looks around) (sneaks down to the stage)
Chico: But truth be told, I'm not afraid of you. I'm just smart.
Jason: Smart?
Chico: See, I know if I go up against a fat sack of loser like yourself, I'm going to lose. Against fire boy, I at least stand a chance.
Jason: Fat Sack of Loser? You haven't seen my play...alligator boy. You get more action with reptiles than women
Chico: I'm getting more action than you right now, computer jockey.
Jason: The people in the duel arena knew I would get into the finals, so they were afraid! You have to play into a playoff to get your ass winning.
Chico: At least I'm playing That's play-ment. What are you doing? Sitting on your ass...

CUT!

Jason: lol Nice job sir.
Chico: And you, boss.
Gordon: Ok Chico. While I go get a referee, what's the next one?
Chico: Okay, next.

Chico is a last-minute holiday shopper. Gordon is a copy of the Feud home game. Convince the shopper that you're better than the copy of the 1 vs. 100 home game beside you. And... ACTION!

Chico: Oh man... Christmas Eve and the only things I can find are Feud and 1 vs. 100...I'll NEVER shop this late again.
Gordon: Hey there. BUY ME! You know you want to have some holiday fun! Fun! Fun! Whats better in the holidays than having members of the family together and playing Family Feud?
Chico: Well... I don't know. I mean, my brother isn't that big of a fan.
Gordon: We're a great long-running show! Tons of fun! Family Enjoyment!
Chico: Buzzers?
Gordon: We got buzzers! We got John O'Hurley! How can you not like John O'Hurley?
Chico: Oh baby. I'm sold. I'm so... hey look, a copy of 5th Grader behind you!
Gordon: Oh, you'll like me better. It's family fun. We don't have stupid questions that will make you think. We have fun questions like name a family pet or name a month of the year starting with J. We can even give you 5th grader questions that are fun - like name a country with 4 letters
Chico: I know this one... Asia?
Gordon: No - but you're close!
Chico: Peru! Laos! Mali!
Gordon: There you go! See, it's family fun! fun! fun!
Chico: I think I will buy that.
Gordon: YAY!

CUT!

Chico: Okay, this next one's gonna be fun.
Jason: I cant wait.

Jason, you're Carrie Ann.

Jason: The female role of course.
Gordon: Of course

Gordon, you're Bruno. Before we get into the show premiering, you two are going to bet on who will win. Aaaaaaand ACTION!

Jason: I am the more honest and tougher critic and teacher I will win this Dance War...all you know is being flamboyant.
Gordon: We all know I'm going to be winning Dance Wars. Because I'm studly like that and everyone loves my accent. It's swoon-inducing.
Jason: Studly....please. I am honest and true. All you know how to do is use your accent to get laughs.
Gordon: You have Paula Abdul as your role model. I found some booze for you. Here (places a daiquiri on the table).
Jason: Please. I could kick her butt in a dance competition. You couldn't hold Simon Cowell's jockstrap!
Gordon: She can dance better with a cartoon animal than you can with a real person. So whats the bet going to be?
Jason: Ok, if I win...you have to dance with Tom Bergeron.
Gordon: And if I win, you have to be Mark Cuban's Bedside attendant.
Jason: Ewwww!

CUT!

Chico: Venturing into deep recesses.
Gordon: Ok. Next one...

Chico is a Comfort-Spa-to-Go. Gordon is a Trip to Miami. Scene: Both prizes lamenting about not being won on The Price is Right during the Dead Reindeer special. And....Action!

Chico: Well, it's back to the warehouse. I'm going to have to tell Juliana the greenhouse that I was lost again. And she's going to be all like "My mom the tuffshed WARNED me not to be with you..."
Gordon: I dont understand how you could lose. How can someone be so bad in The Clock Game?
Chico: They're dumb? They just want to be on TV?
Gordon: At least I was caught in a hard game like Squeeze Play. The stupid blonde woman on your game didn't even listen to Drew.
Chico: Don't you hate it when that happens?
Gordon: Yes. I mean youre a Spa, Since when do you not end in 9-5 or 9-9?
Chico: I mean,you think people know about how to play the Clock Game!
Gordon: And I mean, a $300 bid? Whats up with that?
Chico: 100s, 50s, 25s, 10s, 5s, count. That's the way I learned it!
Gordon: You seem stressed out. What about a trip to Miami? I'll take you there.
Chico: Okay... Let me call the greenhouse..
Gordon: Take Juliana the Greenhouse too. It's a trip for 2.
Chico: Baby, I was lost... but we're going to Miami..Yeah, bring your sunglasses.
Gordon: She's more expensive that you are. She gets the first class seats.
Chico: And your tape of "Won't Get Fooled Again."... Okay, forget the tape, we just got bumped to coach.
Gordon: BTW, we still have the extra $1,000 bonus. We can all use that as spending money.
Chico: Free water, too. Bonus.

CUT!

Chico: Okay, one more.
Gordon: Last one - and all 3 people get to play. ooooh.
Jason: Awesome!
Gordon: And for this one, we have a VERY special guest. It's Mr. I've been on The Price is Right all week and all I've got is this lousy WLTI T-Shirt, Mr. Joe Van GInkel!
Joe: SALUT!
Jason: Cool!
Chico: Coolie!
Gordon: So, your roles...

Chico is the UK, who is responsible for giving us Big Brother. Jason is France, who is responsible for giving us Duel. Joe is Australia, responsible for giving us Temptation; The all new Suck of the Century.

Jason: LOL

Gordon is the head of the American Federation of Game Shows, wanting answers and wanting them NOW! Annnnd....Action!

Gordon: England! France! Australia! Shame on you all! I want to know how each of you countries can export such a lousy game show concept. I want all of you countries to explain yourself before you both get a lump of coal for Christmas.
Jason: It's not my fault. The pacing of Duel was as slow as escargot. My concept was fine. It was the stupid Americans who screwed it up
Chico: Not my fault. All we did was feed the beast.
Jason: You Australians...letting that Sampson woman screw up your show. I admit, I watched in on my Satellite on Channel 9. It was a great show. When it got to America...whoo boy! Le Skunk Pew.
Joe: It's beyond defense. They took what should've been the Battlestar Galactica of Quiz Shows; that is to say what could've been a reinvigoration of the quiz show simply by going back to basics and completely annihilated it. There was no cohesive vision for the show except to try and get a demographic that doesn't watch game shows to watch their show.
Gordon: And what about Big Brother. Why did that stink here?
Chico: I blame the contestants. Just a bunch of fame-seekers who want their 15 on the tube and then all of a sudden, they think they're famous, and important. We know better. They're nobodies. As far as comparing ourselves to Duel, well, we do have fierce trivia action, and an element that forces you not just to play your questions, but to play your opponents. It's not MY fault that people don't take advantage of it.
Gordon: And how could you , Duel lose to REPEATS?
Chico: Three words... Diet. Pepsi. Max.
Jason: I don't know...my French pride is burning. We surrendered. We have great food and great art...how could we lose to singing Americans?
Gordon: Do I look like Napoleon to you?
Jason: No, sir.
Gordon: I hereby declare all countries GUILTY! As punishment, you will clean up the reindeer poop from Santa's sleigh as they fly by.
Jason: Sacre Bleu!
Chico: ACK!
Joe: O_O_O_O_O

CUT!

Chico: And the balcony is now closed.
Gordon: And with that...we go to break.
Chico: We get to make some resolutions that need to be made right after the break.

(Brought to you by Off the Lot. We have 16 of the best WGA Writers going on set to create their own movies - since they have a lot of free time on their hands right about now.)

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