This past week, I saw the debut of two shows, one of
which was appropriate for the Halloween season. It turns
out that both of them were... albeit for different
The one that actually was supposed to be scary was 'The
Scorned'. This movie is a horror flick about a woman who
comes back from the dead to kill people who are
unfaithful to each other. The catch? Every person in the
movie was from a reality show - such as Bob Guiney, Jon
"Jonny Fairplay" Dalton, Ethan Zohn, Trishelle
Cannatella, Stacie Jones-Upchurch and Toni Ferrari, to
name a few. Yes, this is the movie that was being
attempted to be made on the show "Kill Reality".
I will spare you all from watching the movie and tell
you what happened -
The killed in "The Scorned" include Jenna Morasca
(sucked up by the ground), Jonny Fairplay (bouncing off
the walls and being hurled down the stairs by the
psychic spirit of Trish Schneider), Reichen Lehmkuhl and
Tonya Cooley (burned to death together thanks to an
exploding lava lamp), Trishelle Cannatella (drowned in a
pool...maybe), Ethan Zohn (bludgeoned to death by Bob
Guiney) and Bob Guiney (impaled by a fire poker).
The plot is that Bob Guiney was caught making love to
Trishelle Cannatella by girlfriend Trish Schneider. In
the ensuing melee, Bob accidentally slashes Trish and
she falls into a pool. The only problem - Trish isn't
dead, and her psyche goes out to kill everyone who has
been unfaithful while Bob Guiney tries to cover it up by
killing everyone who he thinks knows what's going on. At
the end, a revived Trish kills herself by slashing her
own throat so she can kill Bob - and does so via
impalement. The survivors of the movie - Jenna Lewis,
Steven Hill, Stacie J. and Toni Ferrari...as well as
Trishelle Cannatella, who in the last scene is in that
same psychic limbo as Trish was.
I expected this to be a grade-B bordering on grade-C
movie, and I wasn't disappointed. Halloween this isn't
(or even Halloween 6). It wasn't all bad - acting,
though not great, wasn't awful, and some characters do
actually have talent.
What does this film wrong are the things that you
wouldn't expect to be wrong. The sound is uneven and
choppy, The lighting doesn't work and the editing is
terrible. That's something that no acting or actors can
do anything about. It reminded me of "Bet Your Life" -
the people that you were concerned about actually do a
decent job, but it's the parts that you expect to work
The movie gets a C-. Not the worst thing in the world,
but not up to snuff with most generic horror films. By
the way, if you are going to make another movie with
nothing but reality show people, please do a remake of
"Battle Royale". There's nothing like seeing 45 reality
stars diced, sliced and filleted seven ways to Sunday.
The second show that I saw was "But Can They Sing?" This
was by far the more frightening of the two experiences.
This was supposed to be a talent show, but the show was
devoid of musical talent. Only around three of the
singers (Morgan Fairchild, Joe Pantoliano, and Michael
Copon) would I consider 'fair', and the most memorable
performance (Bai Ling) was memorable only because she
rolled around in a red dress and skimpy outfit like a
dirty trollop rolls around in the hay.
But Can They Sing? No they can't. I seriously thought
that this was the celebrity version of Superstar USA,
even to the point that I was wondering if the
celebrities (?) were doing this more for laughs than
being serious. When I realized that they were being
serious, my thoughts ranged from amazement to the
singers to sympathy for the people who were listening to
I am going to attribute the first week to nerves and
assume that the singers are going to get better over
time. They better be - since I have to cover five more
episodes of the show. If they aren't, then "But Can They
Sing" would have more of a gross out factor than The
Scorned - and that would truly be frightful.
Gordon Pepper can sing, kill, and whore around for the
cameras. E-mail him at firstname.lastname@example.org.
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