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Halloweenies
Gordon Pepper

This past week, I saw the debut of two shows, one of which was appropriate for the Halloween season. It turns out that both of them were... albeit for different reasons.

The one that actually was supposed to be scary was 'The Scorned'. This movie is a horror flick about a woman who comes back from the dead to kill people who are unfaithful to each other. The catch? Every person in the movie was from a reality show - such as Bob Guiney, Jon "Jonny Fairplay" Dalton, Ethan Zohn, Trishelle Cannatella, Stacie Jones-Upchurch and Toni Ferrari, to name a few. Yes, this is the movie that was being attempted to be made on the show "Kill Reality".

I will spare you all from watching the movie and tell you what happened -

SPOILERS AHEAD!

The killed in "The Scorned" include Jenna Morasca (sucked up by the ground), Jonny Fairplay (bouncing off the walls and being hurled down the stairs by the psychic spirit of Trish Schneider), Reichen Lehmkuhl and Tonya Cooley (burned to death together thanks to an exploding lava lamp), Trishelle Cannatella (drowned in a pool...maybe), Ethan Zohn (bludgeoned to death by Bob Guiney) and Bob Guiney (impaled by a fire poker).

The plot is that Bob Guiney was caught making love to Trishelle Cannatella by girlfriend Trish Schneider. In the ensuing melee, Bob accidentally slashes Trish and she falls into a pool. The only problem - Trish isn't dead, and her psyche goes out to kill everyone who has been unfaithful while Bob Guiney tries to cover it up by killing everyone who he thinks knows what's going on. At the end, a revived Trish kills herself by slashing her own throat so she can kill Bob - and does so via impalement. The survivors of the movie - Jenna Lewis, Steven Hill, Stacie J. and Toni Ferrari...as well as Trishelle Cannatella, who in the last scene is in that same psychic limbo as Trish was.

END SPOILERS.

I expected this to be a grade-B bordering on grade-C movie, and I wasn't disappointed. Halloween this isn't (or even Halloween 6). It wasn't all bad - acting, though not great, wasn't awful, and some characters do actually have talent.

What does this film wrong are the things that you wouldn't expect to be wrong. The sound is uneven and choppy, The lighting doesn't work and the editing is terrible. That's something that no acting or actors can do anything about. It reminded me of "Bet Your Life" - the people that you were concerned about actually do a decent job, but it's the parts that you expect to work that don't.

The movie gets a C-. Not the worst thing in the world, but not up to snuff with most generic horror films. By the way, if you are going to make another movie with nothing but reality show people, please do a remake of "Battle Royale". There's nothing like seeing 45 reality stars diced, sliced and filleted seven ways to Sunday.

The second show that I saw was "But Can They Sing?" This was by far the more frightening of the two experiences. This was supposed to be a talent show, but the show was devoid of musical talent. Only around three of the singers (Morgan Fairchild, Joe Pantoliano, and Michael Copon) would I consider 'fair', and the most memorable performance (Bai Ling) was memorable only because she rolled around in a red dress and skimpy outfit like a dirty trollop rolls around in the hay.

But Can They Sing? No they can't. I seriously thought that this was the celebrity version of Superstar USA, even to the point that I was wondering if the celebrities (?) were doing this more for laughs than being serious. When I realized that they were being serious, my thoughts ranged from amazement to the singers to sympathy for the people who were listening to this.

I am going to attribute the first week to nerves and assume that the singers are going to get better over time. They better be - since I have to cover five more episodes of the show. If they aren't, then "But Can They Sing" would have more of a gross out factor than The Scorned - and that would truly be frightful.

Gordon Pepper can sing, kill, and whore around for the cameras. E-mail him at gordon@gameshownewsnet.com.

 

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