Episode 26.9 - A Hard Dose of Reality... TV
March 14

Jason: Accurate but wrong
Chico: You got Gloves for Zagat-Approved hands?
Gordon: ...why yes. yes we do.
Chico: Awesome.
Gordon: If you EVER needed proof that doing drugs has some sort of effect on the human system, just check Charlie out.
Chico: Welcome back, this is the WLTI broadcast. Thanks for being a part of our weekend and allowing our weekend to be a part of you.
Gordon: Since this is our reality show special, it only makes sense to break out some lessons and spread the knowledge. So we are proud to present to you... 6 Things We Think You Should Know: Being on a Reality Show.
Chico: Present, sir.

#1. A through knowledge of the show you are applying to, though incredibly useful, is NOT a requirement to getting on. Your personality and physical ass..ets are just as important, if not more so.

Chico: Obviously.
Jason: Really?
Chico: Otherwise, we wouldn't have as many morons as we do.
Gordon: Will it help you win? Yes. If you just want to be on tv, you're much better off going to your plastic surgeon or finding casting associates and bedding as many of them as possible.
Jason: LOL
Gordon: This would be for Survivor / Amazing Race / Big Brother / etc. As we have seen time and time again, people who have never seen the show before have just as good of a chance to get on. So if you've never seen the Amazinfg Race but have cantaloupes attached to your chest, you'll have a better chance of getting on than if Chico and Jason apply.
Chico: And let's be honest here... would it be entertaining if everyone knew how to play... and everyone follwoed through on that?
Gordon: Actually, yes. Yes it would.
Jason: Oh yeah :)
Gordon: Next one...

#2. Boring = Short TV life.

Gordon: If you have no personality, #1. you have no chance to get on the show and #2. you have no chance to STAY on the show.
Chico: To quote John Forbes... "Tell us your story." See Jones, Ashthon. She didn't tell us her story. She just sort of appeared in Hollywood week... and then disappeared as quickly.
Gordon: Remember, in any show which is decided by a person or people on staff, we get this fine print: 'The producers of the show have an input as to who stays and goes'.
Chico: Or something like "The judges may have consulted with the producers prior to any elimination."
Gordon: Translation: If there's a choice between someone who's over the top and who causes drama and entertainment in the house vs. a nice guy who has the personality of an eggplant, guess who stays?
Jason: Bye, eggplant.
Gordon: Bye, eggplant, indeed. So if you get on a show, you better have a personality.
Chico: Or at least like to go around naked. That's a personality, right?
Gordon: Naked, if you have the body for it, sure. If you're wearing awning covers as traditional formal wear, no. Next one...

#3. Unless you're on a show decided by votes from other cast members, if you're the villain, you won't win.

Jason: Bad people don't win, usually.
Chico: Nope.
Gordon: You won't win on Top Model or Idol. So be over the top, but in a good way where people will root for you.
Chico: See Rob Mariano. He's a villain, but you want to root for him, because he's the "honor among thieves" type
Gordon: He's made a lot of mnoey thanks to his personality.
Chico: True.

Which leads to ...#4. If you play your cards right, you can use a show just as much as a show uses you.

Gordon: Rob has made a career, gotten a wife and made a boatload of money thanks to TV. Melissa Rycroft, William Hung, Guy Fieri, etc. If you can expose yourself to TV and be yourself, you can do just as well as anyone.
Jason: Guy is a huge example of that
Chico: Oh yeah. Let's see... Guy... Toccara...Alonzo Bodden..
Gordon: There's many. Next one...

#5. You will have a much better chance of winning if you're a student of the game.

Gordon: Almost all of the Survivor winners have a strategy on how to play and win.
Chico: True.
Gordon: Same with Big Brother. Sure it won't help you get on. But if you get on, it will help you win. So, if you have the ass...ets and get on, start cracking the books. If you're on Idol, work on your likability, etc.
Chico: AGT... work overtime. You only get so many chomps at the bit.
Gordon: Finally...

#6. You're only as good until the next season debuts.

Jason: Exactly.
Chico: See Top Model
Jason: Or Idol
Gordon: Make sure you have an exit plan. Not everyone is a Kelly Clarkson.
Jason: Or Carrie Underwood Or Chris Daughtry
Gordon: And make sure you stay as current as possible. Time is of the essence.
Chico: Soon as you win, Minute 14 begins to tick.
Gordon: And if you lose, you're down to 4:29
Chico: Make the moments count.
Gordon: And make sure you have SOMEthing saved over. Cause threatening to marry, then divorce, then marry isn't a good way to get an additional bankroll. (See Speidi)
Chico: No, it is not.
Jason: Nope.
Gordon: And if you want to be on a reality show, those are 6 things we think you should know.
Jason: Sounds like a good plan
Chico: Hope you've been listening.
Gordon: After the break, we'll get to 11 people who are going to be an a reality show, and we'll gauge their chances.
Jason: (puts on tap shoes)

(Brought to you America's Next Great Restaurant Loyalty Program. Sure anyone can bring about a killer restaurant, but can you make something that'll keep the customers coming back for more? Because let's face it... Your food sucks.)

Jason: You know who you are
Chico: *nods*
Jason: No names.
Gordon: But hey, its free free free!!!!
Chico: Maybe so, but I'll pay for it later! Welcome back. You're probably wondering why the whiteboard is back. Especially given the beating I gave it.
Gordon: Well it's sort of taped up right now
Chico: Sorta kinda. But for good reason. Because it'll serve as our Really Big Board as we go... Handicapping with the Stars: The Pick... Season 12.
Gordon: It's intact enough for the game I'm really good at and that Jason is...well he's not too good.
Jason: Yeah I stuck with the Hoff and got nailed for it. This time I will try to do better.
Chico: Alright. Let's dance...
Gordon: So here's the deal. We have 11 stars this season. We will rate their chances...
Chico: ...From first one gone to winner.
Gordon: Chico, as the head of such things, please present the roster.
Chico: Let me put my best Alan Dedicoat on...

KIRSTIE ALLEY and her partner, Maksim Chmerkovskiy

Gordon: She's a Fat (but getting thinner) actress
Jason: You know what...FINAL FOUR. She is beloved enough and it will be fun to watch the crazy. She wont win.
Chico: Interesting bit of trivia. Kirstie is actually... a REPEAT OFFENDER. If you remember, she was on Match Game back in the day. Before she got fat. I'm going final four as well. Maks is a great teacher, and from what I hear, she's a great student.
Gordon: Mid Pack. I think the audience will be intrigued by her story and her weight loss, and that alone will get her a month, but it will come to dancing, and she won't be able to cut the fat.
Chico: Stick around, Gordon's got a good zinger for everyone.
Gordon: I'll be here all week.
Chico: Next up...

MIKE CATHERWOOD and his partner, Lacey Schwimmer.

Chico: To which I say... "Who"?
Gordon: He's a co-host of Loveline and part of KROQ's Kevin and Bean show.
Chico: And if you don't live in the TMZ, you would know Mike from...anyone. Bottom.
Jason: Bottom
Chico: *live
Gordon: I think Mike's show is going to get cancelled early. Bottom
Chico: Not even Dr. drew can help you out of this one. Next...

CHRIS JERICHO and his partner, Cheryl Burke.

Chico: This is when Jason Block goes NUTS.
Jason: No.
Chico: Really?
Jason: I am going to be honest here. MID-PACK.
Chico: You're a big fan, though...
Jason: HUGE! But he isn't Stacy Keibler. And while he has a fan base, it wont get him THAT far.
Gordon: He isn't. He's bigger than she is. Top 4.
Chico: Well, he has to entertain to a crowd to do what he does... whatever he's doing at the time. Top 4, and he needs another show.
Jason: You are kidding me? Really? Both of you?
Chico: It's not his fault Downfall sucked!
Gordon: He's a performer. He can move and he does have a fan base, as does the WWE.
Chico: Yep.
Gordon: And the fact that you put him lower makes me feel better in my selection :)
Chico: Me too. Next...

CHELSEA KANE and her partner, Mark Ballas.

Chico: I ask you again... "WHO?!"
Gordon: Do not discount the Disney mythos. Top 4.
Jason: You said that about Kyle Massey
Gordon: I did.
Chico: Alright, I'll go midpack, but ONLY because of Kyle Massey. I know better than to underestimate the Disney machine Next...

SUGAR RAY LEONARD and his partner, Anna Trebunskaya.

Jason: FInal Four.
Chico: Outside looking in. He'll be out in fifth.
Gordon: I think 2 athletes will make the final four. He will not be one of them. Midpack.
Chico: Next...

RALPH MACCHIO and his partner Karina Smirnoff.

Chico: This is one of my dark horses for final four. Everyone remembers the Karate Kid (and no, not the Jaden Smith one).
Jason: I don't think you will have two legends in a row to win it. MID PACK
Gordon: The men this year are strong. I think you can have the potential of an all male final 4, but I don't think you'll see it and he'll be a casualty. Mid Pack
Chico: No crane kick for you, Ralph. Next...

PETRA NEMCOVA and her partner Dmitry Chaplin

Chico: Let's see... model, check. Weak partner... check. First one out the door for the win.
Jason: Yup. Bottom
Gordon: I agree. She wins the door prize. Bottom.
Chico: That's a new one. I like it. :-)
Gordon: Next?
Chico: Next...

ROMEO and his partner Chelsie Hightower.

Chico: I think he's going to be a strong mid-pack.
Jason: Mid pack...much better than his dad
Chico: Remember, he was supposed to dance for his lead-footed dad.
Gordon: Singer? Check. Athlete? Check. Dancer? Check? Winner? You bet. Top 4.
Chico: Next...

HINES WARD and his partner Kym Johnson.

Chico: I think the Terrible Towel Train gets him as far as ... about.. mid-pack. And let's be honest... We tune into MNF on ESPN to get AWAY from Dancing.
Jason: Your winner.
Gordon: If this was any other season, I would agree. HOWEVER, I think the NFL in flux and the players being blamed for it, Hines is going to have problems. He'll make the Top 4, but he won't win. And he really won't now that Jason predicted he will.
Jason: Thanks Heaps
Gordon: De nada.
Chico: next...

WENDY WILLIAMS and her partner Tony Dovolani.

Chico: Bottom. Because Tony Dovolani NEVER wins. EVER,
Gordon: She just doesn't have the name and going against the same fans of Kendra and Kirstie. She's not going to win. Bottom.
Jason: Nope. BOTTOM
Chico: Hoping the GSN crowd will come out (you still owe us for Shandi's dismissal, y'all). finally...

KENDRA WILKINSON and her partner Louis van Amstel.

Jason: FINAL FOUR...and will make the final 3
Chico: Feminine grace and a will and unmatched hunger to win... and his partner has a body for days. :-)
Jason: ROFL
Chico: THIS... is your winner.
Gordon: I'm so glad you guys are picking her. Bottom.
Jason: Ok...why?
Gordon: This is a completely different audience block that watches DWTS over her E! Shows
Jason: I think that gets her there.
Chico: I think so too.
Gordon: She is also a MEDIA HO OFFENDER. She was in MTV's Celebrity Rap Challenge, coming in second, losing to Shar Jackson and moving like a pregnant octopus. If she kept the same moves for this show, she's doomed.
Chico: I mean, don't underestimate the female population that THRIVES on this show.
Gordon: The female population is NOT going to vote for her.
Chico: I dunno...
Gordon: You could make a case for the WWE Generation - except they have one of their own in there already.
Chico: Crazier things have happened... Remember the Hoff?
Gordon: I'm hoping, for your sake, that Kendra took dance lessons for the past 4 years.
Jason: I hope.
Gordon: This is a show that gets the Conservative to vote, like Bristol Palin and Disney stars. You really think a Playboy Bunny is going to get votes?
Jason: Yes I do. :)
Gordon: She is a PORN STAR. That's not going to fly in the Bible Belt.
Chico: ... You'd be surprised at what happens after dark in the Bible Belt, TRUST ME.
Gordon: The vote isn't taking place in the dark. And unfortunately, people need to be sober to vote. So to recap...

Jason: FINAL FOUR - Leonard, Alley, Wilkinson, WARD -- winner WARD.
Chico: Kirstie Alley, Chris Jericho, Ralph Macchio, and Kendra Wilkinson to win.
Gordon: Top 4: Chelsea Kane, Chris Jericho, Hines Ward and Romeo to win.
Chico: Might I add... Kendra is the bookie's favorite.
Gordon: And how well does the bookie do on this, since he picked the Hoff last season?
Chico: ...We'll see who's right and who gets the door prize later on in the season. Remember, March 21 is the go-live date for season 12.
Gordon: And I will laugh at you all the way if Kendra gets booted in the bottom 4.
Chico: You do that now, dude.

(Brought to you by The Red Cross. If you want to donate money to Japan, please go to a reputable organization like the red cross. Go to www.redcross.org.)

Jason: (applause)
Chico: Again, we hope you've enjoyed a bit of fun and games over the last 22 minutes... and remember that we all need a harsh dose of reality, you know, just to put everything in perspective.
Gordon: What about a not so harsh speed round?
Chico: Okeydoke. We're starting in three.. two... anddddddddone. Phillip on Survivor. Does he and his pink pants go to Redemption Island?
Jason: Nope.
Gordon: I think they win. I think Krista gets to go.
Chico: Okay. Idol round of 12. Haley still on the bubble?
Jason: Oh yeah
Jason: She is in deeeeeep trouble.
Gordon: She's in trouble, but I think Karen's going to get booted. The Race - whos next to go?
Jason: Ron & CHristina
Chico: Ron & Christina.
Gordon: I'll go with that. Do we have any email?
Chico: Why yes. Yes we do. This is from Oliver Langland. Thanks, Oliver!

VIEWER MAIL

“

Oliver Langland Would you know how soon we will know if any new game shows will air in syndication? Or is it too late, and there will be none. Thanks!

”

Gordon: Hey Oliver. We're not going to know about this until the Summer.
Chico: Well, it's not too late per se, but if there was something in the offing or going to market, we would know about it by early to mid spring. We can say with reasonable certainty that Are you Smarter Than a 5th Grader and Doon't Forget the Lyrics... probably won't be back next year.
Gordon: Thanks for the email. Any more?
Chico: Nope. That's it. And there's still the question up for bids on Facebook....

“

WLTI'S BIG FACEBOOK QUESTION Do you want to see Charlie Sheen on the Celebrity Apprentice?

”

Chico: Go to Facebook.com/wlti.gsnn to answer or just to say hello and like us.
Gordon: We'll get to those answers next week. But we end the show this week. Special thanks to Jason Block for joining us today
Jason: Thank you!
Gordon: Next week, we eliminate more people and have more fun. For Chico, this is Gordon Pepper, saying Game OVer and spread the love.