Six: Travis and the Finalists Return - February 13

[Another fricken two-hour episode! Either they are burning off episodes because the show sucks or they have so much confidence in their ability to appeal to the people who don’t watch the Olympics, they planned to air a two-hour episode. Personally, I would rather watch three hours of curling than the Bachelor, but that’s just me.]

Tonight’s show will be the traditional overnight date where the whores have an opportunity to be a whore, so that they have the opportunity of moving to the next round of whoredom – media whoredom. But first, we are “treated” to a montage of previous Bachelors/Bachelorettes and their over night dates. Basically this “special look” at four years of the show can be summarized by a few basic truths. Women who go into the “overnight suite” are given a rose, those who are not willing to whore themselves are not given a rose. Also any woman who shows a bit of backbone and questions that idea that she is expected to put herself out there for some guy she just met while he is dating two other women will be shown the door due to her “insecurities.” The show also mentions the “successes” they have had: Charlie and Sarah, Mary and Byron, and the newly brunette Trista and Ryan are still together due to meeting on the show. [Trista and Ryan are “trying” to have a baby. Trista says that “it is hard work”; if so, they must be doing it wrong.]

OK, back to the present and our group of whores, Dr. Travis, Sarah, Moana and Susan. Travis says that he is looking forward to his overnight dates because he will get a chance to learn more about the three women. [Of course he is lying. All he can think about is the potential for sex in a “fantasy suite.”] Travis says that there are things about each woman that he likes. Susan says that she is falling in love with him, but it concerns Travis that her mother doesn’t think that she is being genuine. Travis says that he and Sarah have fun on their dates and value the same things. With Sarah, the date will be an opportunity to prove whether or not there is more between them than just great conversation and friendship. He says that when he thinks about Moana he feels excited. [“When I think about you, I touch myself.”] He does worry that all of the other women at the house dislike her.

Travis will have his first date in Venice with Moana. [Since they are in Venice, I expect to see many views of gondolas, since it’s a trite representation of Venice, though to be honest, when I went to Venice I really didn’t see that many gondolas.] The couple meets in a big square and stand in front of a church. Neither has a clue that it’s St. Mark’s Cathedral, even tough they are in the Piazza San Marco. They get attacked by pigeons when they make the mistake of trying to feed them. They go into a café to eat. Travis makes small talk about being tested by Moana’s parents back in the OC. A waiter comes and Moana surprises Travis by ordering in Italian. [What he doesn’t realize is that she isn’t asking for food, she’s telling the waiter that as soon as her date with Travis ends, she will come back to the restaurant and have sex with him…or something like that.] Travis tells her that she is a cunning linguist and amazes him. Travis says that when he was in Venice ten years ago, he saw people in gondolas and thought that it would be an amazing city to be in with somebody you cared about. Next thing you know, they are in a gondola and Travis tells Moana that they have to kiss every time they go under a bridge. [And every time a water taxi goes by, he gets to cop a feel.]

Travis says that he likes his relationship with Moana because a lot of time can go by and they don’t need to talk. He likes the fact that they can be silent, but be “on the page” without saying a word. Later that evening after the requisite views of more gondolas, St. Mark’s, the Doge’s Palace and some bridges [can you tell that I have been to Venice before?] the couple gets together for dinner and wine. Treacle is the first course when Travis toasts himself saying that he is with “the most beautiful girl in Venice.” The clichés continue when a man in a striped shirt comes out playing the accordion. [I was in Venice for four days and I never saw an accordion! Thankfully, a monkey doesn’t come out.] Travis starts talking about the future and how he often thinks of spending the future with Moana, be it in Tennessee or LA. He says that there are a lot of things he knows she can teach him and he knows that he can teach her as well. Travis says that most guys think that it would be a dream to date 25 women, but he personally did the show to find one women. He assures her that when he is with her, “nothing else enters into the equation.”

Travis then reaches into his clothes to pull out something white and stiff.

It’s a invitation for Travis and Moana to spend the night in the Fantasy Suite. Moana has probably seen the show before and realizes that if she “doesn’t develop intimacy on a physical level” [i.e. be a whore], she won’t get a rose, so she agrees to be alone in hotel room with a man she just met a few weeks ago. She rationalizes her sluttiness by saying, “I think it’s always good…I think we are on the same page.” [What? Is she so twitterpated by Dr. Travis that she’s forgotten how to string words together?]

They go up to the suite and talk. Moana says that it bothers her that there is no exclusivity in their relationship. [No shit, Sherlock! That’s the way the show works.] Travis becomes uncomfortable and says that he has never cheated on a girlfriend, no girl that he has been with has worried about him cheating and here he is with Moana and he has two “exotic dates” coming soon. He says that he isn’t going to promise anything to Moana…Moana, probably realizing that the women of “The Bachelor” who develop some self- respect and question the idea of getting physical with a guy who is going to be getting physical with two more women very soon never get the final rose, backpedals and says that she mentioned the other women just so that he knows that she “understands” what he is going through. She is going to go with how she feels, but “everything else is everything else, but what I have here can’t be replaced.” [Sure it can Moana, all he needs is a very needy puppy, an inflatable doll and some lube.] Moana says that she came halfway around the world and ended up meeting the man that she would like to spend the rest of her life with. She would like to end the night with Travis. Travis closes the door and I guess what happened in Venice will stay in Venice [until Moana publishes her tell-all book].

Travis jets off to Vienna, where he meets Sarah. They meet in a park by an old Ferris Wheel, called the Riesenrad, which I believe was in the James Bond movie, “The Living Daylights.” [Timothy Dalton’s first foray as James Bond, it’s the movie with the Cellist. Timothy Dalton is no George Lazenby, but it’s still better than anything with Roger Moore in it.] Upon meeting each other, they hug and go take a ride in the Wiener Riesenrad. Their dates must have been really boring, because Travis talks about how things aren’t “romantic” but that they have fun together because he enjoys her character. They go to a hotel and get a couples massage. Later they go into a floating pool. Sarah talks about how Travis has been giving her sweet pecks, but what she really wants is real kisses.

Later that evening, they take a carriage ride through Vienna. Travis says that his relationship with Sarah is a relationship in “fast forward” and that they are forced to “play their cards earlier” than they would normally do, but he really appreciates the fact that she hasn’t been throwing herself at him. Travis says that when he sees people being affectionate in public, he feels as though they are performing. Sarah and Travis get out of their carriage and go to the exotic Radisson Vienna Hotel. They go to a private dining room and talk about how much they mean to each other. They sit down at the formal dinner and Travis says that he doesn’t think that it suits them, so he suggests that they take the food from the fancy dinner and take it to the fantasy suite and just get to know each other.

Travis tells Sarah that he has developed the best friendship with her, but he needs to figure out if their relationship goes beyond friendship and can be romantic. At his comment, Sarah says that she is holding back because the experience is so new to her. She also says that when she looks at the other girls she questions their sincerity and their intentions. Sarah tries to be diplomatic and says that she can’t compare herself with the other two women because they are all so unlike. She goes on to say that she wouldn’t put Travis with Moana or Susan, she would put him with her, because they would be perfect together. Sarah says that he and Travis are subtle and are more comfortable in their skin and know what they are and what they want in life. Travis says that he appreciates the fact that Sarah said why they would be good together, without trashing the other two women. He doesn’t want to be with somebody who would trash other people and he really respects their friendship. Sarah says that his comments mean a lot to her and she goes in for the kill, kissing Travis. The producers seem to like Sarah because their kissing is photographed lovingly from different fuzzy cameras with romantic music playing in the background.

Next, Travis meets Susan in the French Alps. Travis says that he worries about Susan because he thinks that she says things because she thinks that he wants to hear them rather than because she means them. Susan emotes again, saying that the Alps are breathtakingly beautiful and it’s the perfect place to fall in love. Travis suggests that they climb a mountain and Susan squeals in delight and agrees to do it. Travis asks Susan what she wants to do after the show and she mentions that she wants to go back to LA to work on her acting career. Travis’ mediawhoredar goes off and he realizes that she probably isn’t being very sincere about their relationship. Travis once again tries to get her to admit that she came to France for the exposure and once again she denies it. After climbing the mountain, they find a vat of hot steaming cider wine. They toast to rock-climbing and Travis brings up the fact that the other women kept saying that Susan was there because it was a “competition.’ Susan pretends to be upset about what the other women have said and sheds a few crocodile tears.

Later that day, the couple goes out dinner. Travis says that he likes the fact that she spent the day rock climbing and then looks fabulous for dinner. Over fondue, Susan says that the date has been relaxing and that she is the type of person who likes to be a homebody. [Yeah, that’s the ticket. Susan is going to be a “homebody-actress”: two careers that go great together.] Once again Travis questions Susan. He ponders the fact that sometimes it seems as though Susan is just saying things to please him, which she denies. Susan then says that she is nervous and goes on to tell Travis that she has feelings for him. No longer a “smitten kitten”, she tells him that she is starting to fall in love with him. Travis pulls out the letter inviting Susan to spend time in the fantasy suite. Susan is obliging, so they go up to the room. They sit in a hot tub and Susan practically attacks Travis, kissing him in the hot tub, while he seems to sit their passively accepting her attentions.

Back in Paris, it’s time for the Rose Ceremony. Chris comes in and Travis says that making a decision will be difficult because he had a great time on all of his dates. Chris offers messages from the whores to help him make up his mind. Moana says that Venice was amazing and she hopes that they are just beginning then speaks in Italian, so that he is once again reminded that she is a cunning linguist. [She is also wearing pants to the rose ceremony. Is this allowed?] Sarah said that she had a fun time with Travis in Vienna and she thinks that they would be perfect together. Susan said that she had an amazing time and that it was the best date she had ever had with Travis. Susan thinks that Travis saw the real her an she hopes that he knows how sincere she is.

The rose ceremony begins. Travis lobs the first rose at Moana. She accepts it. As she is accepting the rose, Susan gets a strange look in her face, as if she feels that she might be going home. Chris doesn’t come out to tell the viewers that Travis will be handing out the last rose. Luckily I learned to count in pre-school, so I was able to follow along without his help. Sarah gets the next rose, so Susan is out. Travis escorts Susan out and tells her that he isn’t sure if she made the right decision. He thinks that their relationship was very formal and he didn’t get to know her. He still thinks that she wasn’t there for the right reasons.

Susan gets into the limo and all of a sudden the tone of her voice changes and she is some sort of Glen Close-like supervillain. She is totally mystified by the fact that she “got dumped because she is too formal. What does that mean?” She says that “she tries to keep herself in control and professional [as in a professional actress pretending to love Dr. Travis?] and that is a detriment. She starts dropping the f-bomb and says that they had a lot of chemistry. She goes on to say, “Whoever ends up with him is a lucky girl,” and then starts shedding fake tears. We don’t see the director yell “cut.”

Next week on a special episode: It’s a reunion show. In two weeks the women meet Travis’ family.