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The Bachelor: Paris
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Four - January 30

Chris, who has finally decided to earn his no doubt hefty paycheck, is front and center at the beginning of this week’s episode of the ‘Pimp and Ho party’,…er, the Bachelor: Paris. Chris says that at this stage one-on-one time with the Bachelor is very important. [This sounds like he’s telling all of women that they had better start giving blow jobs if they want to win.] He goes on to tell the women that there will be two intimate “one-on-one dates” and one group date. Who is going to decide who gets the dates? Two of the cast-off women that Travis has already discarded, the interchangeable blonds Jennifer and Shiloh, will be deciding who gets to have the solo dates with Travis.

Jennifer and Shiloh start asking the “tough” questions. Sarah S. is asked if she can see herself being married to Travis. She says that she could see herself married to Travis because they enjoy the same things and it’s like they are the same person. [So if they have sex, are they hermaphrodites?] They accuse Jehan of not “opening up enough” for Travis [perhaps she should try the “whole fist in the mouth” trick that Sarah S is so good at.] She says that she is “older”, and at the age of 29, it’s not as though she gets crushes on people, she wants to get to know people before she opens up emotionally. Jennifer and Shiloh go on and tell Sarah B that they think that she is too immature for Travis [who has shown his maturity by going on a reality dating show to find a “wife”]. Sarah says that she isn’t going to have a difficult time communicating with somebody because of her age and the age difference doesn’t intimidate her. Next they tell Tara that 3 out of the 4 times that she has been with Travis she has been drunk [which is news to me because I thought that she was drunk on all four of the dates.] They worry that if she gets the one-on-one date that she will get “snockered”, though Tara vehemently denies that she would get drunk. With Susan, they bring up the fact that she wants to move to Hollywood and be an actress and they think that Travis wouldn’t enjoy “the Hollywood Scene.” Susan says that she doesn’t want to be with somebody who is a carbon copy of herself. Jennifer says that she doesn’t believe that Moana should still be in the house, so you know that she’s going to be particularly harsh on her.

Jennifer and Shiloh call Moana in and ask if she is “scared.” Moana says that she isn’t scared, and the women retort that she should be. They go on to say that everyone who has sat in the chair has shown emotion, except for Moana, so they believe that she hasn’t one genuine feeling or emotion since she has been in the house. Jennifer reminds Moana that she said that she wasn’t Travis’ type and that she wouldn’t go chasing after a guy; the guy would have to go chasing after her. Then Moana did a complete “180” and started going after Travis. Shiloh says that “it’s just a game to Moana” and Moana retorts “if you are asking me for honesty, when I give it to you, don’t reprimand me for it.” Moana goes on to say that she didn’t mean to step on anyone on the yacht, but it just happened. Moana starts getting teary and says that something has changed for her and she doesn’t know how to describe what she is feeling. She has some intense things going on in her head [because she is psychotic].

We next see Dr. Travis packing up a picnic basket. [I am sure that it was pre-packed and he is just going through the motions, not unlike what I am doing for this recap.] He talks about how important his choice of the final four is, because he will be visiting the families of all of these women. He continues packing loose grapes and a rose into the basket [He’s a dumbshit, because the grapes should be in a Tupperware container and the rose is going to totally be crushed.] Travis says that he is confident that Jennifer and Shiloh will pick the right date for him because they “are invested” and want him to be with the right person in the end.

A “basket of love” shows up and it’s for Jehan. The note inside says “Let’s experience Paris from the bottom to the top.” [Which either means that they will be having anal sex, followed by oral sex, or we will get to see the Eiffel Tower…again. I am guessing it’s the latter.]

During the date, Travis and Jehan go to a market near the Eiffel Tower to pick up food for a picnic. [I wonder what Parisians did before the Eiffel Tower was erected, because everything seems to revolve around it, not unlike a man’s penis, or what men think about their penises, although not my husband, of course.] Next they got cheese [You mean, like this show?] and wine; and no visit to Paris would be complete without a visit to, you guessed it, a bakery so that they can buy some baguettes. Travis leaves Jehan to pick out the bread [I am amazed that he left her to make such an important decision on her own] while he goes to a local jewelry store. He asks if they have any [crappy tacky] jewelry. Specifically he wants something with the Eiffel Tower on it. [How tacky! Maybe a perfect gift for an 8-year-old niece, but not for a love interest.]

As Travis and Jehan walk through the streets with baguettes hanging out of their bags [how stereotypical], Jehan says that she will be revealing a “deep dark secret to Travis.” [Her secret has been highly publicized during the show, leaving the viewer to wonder, was Jehan previously a man? Does she have a kid? A prison record? Or maybe, in a shocking turn, her boobs will be revealed to be fake? Or worse, she used to be a drug mule that carried drugs in her fake boobs? Or, oh my gosh, did she used to date FABIO? Or like Fabio, maybe she isn’t a natural blond. Quelle horror! I predict that her secret will be banal, something stupid like a hangnail or that she had been previously married.]

Later that day, Travis and Jehan have a picnic beside, you guessed it, THE EIFFEL TOWER. Travis “gives her something so that she will always remember Paris.” It’s little, hard, and comes with a pouch; he calls it a “little trinket.” She feigns excitement when it’s revealed. [Oh that’s the biggest one that I have ever seen…] “Oh it’s so cute…it’s awesome.” It’s an EIFFEL TOWER necklace. Travis comments, “People will wonder why she is wearing the Eiffel Tower around her neck.” [because the jewelry store didn’t have an albatross?]

Travis asks to hear about her past. [Come on Jehan, admit that you aren’t a virgin, we dare you!]
Jehan says that she though that she was in love with the last person she was with. It turns out that he married her just so that he could stay in the country. [Or so she says.] She recently got a divorce. Travis looks shocked at the revelation and starts drinking more wine. [It’s horrible to marry somebody to stay in the country, but marrying to cement your reputation as a reality TV whore is so much more noble.]

Back at Whore Manor, Sarah B goes outside to find a “tote bag of love.” Sarah B, Tara, Susan and Moana are invited to go on a bike ride with Travis. They will be going on a ride though “the French Countryside” [which theoretically means that we won’t have to see the Eiffel Tower again] Susan S. is happy because she realizes that she will to go on a solo date with Travis.

Travis and Jehan walk to the top of the Eiffel Tower and he asks her if she has any other secrets. Travis says that her “secret” was shocking to him because he always thought that he would end up with somebody who had never been married. Jehan tries to get Travis to admit that her revelation will change his feelings towards her and he sidesteps the issue by saying that he still thinks that she is “beautiful and amazing.” [She’s not getting a rose.] Travis tells her that he doesn’t know her enough to give her a rose, but he doesn’t want her to go home. So he asks her to stay without a rose and she agrees to do this. When she gets home, Jehan tells the other women about her “deep dark secret.” Susan believes that this “bomb” is enough to send Jehan home.

The next day, Travis shows up with a trailer full of bikes. The women are all wearing spandex bike outfits [because all women travel with emergency spandex bike outfits, just in case they need to ride a bike through the countryside.] Susan [probably with no prompting from some unseen AP] reveals that all of the women are worried about Moana trying to monopolize Travis. [This means, of course, that Moana will hog up all of the time with Travis.]

Travis tells the women that there will be no rose on the date; instead there will be a bike race with the winner receiving a “special surprise.” The women start the race and Tara quickly pulls out in front. Moana passes her and wins the race. After the race, the group goes to a spa.

Back at the house, Sarah S., hideously coiffed in huge hair rollers, goes outside and finds a “box of love” for her. She says that she knew Shiloh and Jennifer would pick her for a solo date, since they thought that she and Travis would be perfect together. The box is opened and Sarah has a note: “Come paint the perfect picture with me in Montmartre.” [No doubt she will see the Eiffel Tower from Montmartre.]

The dating group plays in the pool, and then Travis tells Moana that it’s time for her to claim her reward. The reward is a couple’s massage. Travis tells Moana he wants to know more about her. She says that her parents got divorced when she was young and her mother remarried and she had a difficult childhood. They hold hands during their massage and the women realize that they can watch the massages from a window inside the pool. Tara says that she is disappointed that she hasn’t been able to talk to Travis, while Moana has spent a lot of quality time with him.

Travis goes to pick up Sarah S and tells the camera that if they have fun, Sarah will get a rose, but if there is no “attraction” she will be going home. He thinks that it’s most likely that she won’t be receiving a rose. [There’s nothing like going into a date with low expectations.] Sarah realizes how important this date is and realizes that if she doesn’t get the rose, Travis won’t be going home to meet her family.

While wandering about in Montmartre, Travis suggests that they get their portrait done together. Sarah comments that the artist looks like a “mad scientist” [Yeah, most mad scientists moonlight as sketch artists, because they can’t get enough grant funding from the government]. Travis says that the artist “freaked him out.” The portrait is revealed and it looks nothing like Travis and Sarah.

Back at the house, the women sit around trashing Moana. Jehan says that Moana is unhappy, unstable and depressed and Susan wonders how Travis can like all of the women remaining in the house and Moana, since Moana is so different. Susan thinks that Travis is a smart man and will be able to figure out Moana’s game. Moana walks up to the room and stands outside to listen. Jehan says that if Moana is picked as one of the final four, she would vomit. Moana walks in and confronts the women about talking about her behind her back. Moana confronts Jehan and wonders what makes her so “disgusted” by her. Jehan says that she doesn’t like the way that Moana hogs the time with Travis. Moana, in an amusing bit of overacting, says, “Pardon me for having a heart and pardon me for having feelings.” Later Moana says that she would rather have a connection with Travis than with the other women.

Travis tells Sarah that she is “pure and true” rather than being the bottled up old prude he thought her to be. He says that it’s easy to be with her and he doesn’t worry about her character. He admires her for being a kindergarten teacher [because unlike the other women, it probably means that she can color within the lines, spell her name, and count to twenty without taking her shoes off]. Travis says that Sarah has surpassed his expectations, and tells her that she has to go home. Sarah looks shocked, thinking that he is dismissing her back to her life of booger-eating, paste swilling five year olds, but Travis fakes her out and asks her to take him home with her. [So instead of a five-year-old booger-eating, paste swiller, she gets to be around a 33-year-old booger eater/paste swiller.] They hug with all the intensity that is possible from 26-year-old “Technical Virgin” and 33-year-old Resident Physician who probably masturbates while looking at his own headshot.

The next morning, Travis shows up at Whorehouse for a “surprise” visit. [I am sure that this visit had been choreographed weeks ago by the producers, but then again, I am cynical.] The women are sitting around talking [except for Moana who is off being crazy by herself]. Travis talks about how his visit means so much to the women [but then again he is the type of guy who probably thinks that he would doing a woman a favor by ejaculating in her hair].

Travis says that he want to talk to a few women alone before he makes his decision. He tells Jehan that he appreciates the fact that she stayed, which probably means that he will not be giving her a rose. Sarah B uses the opportunity to snark about the group dynamics in the house. Travis goes off and finds Moana alone and she uses the opportunity to do her “poor me” bit. Travis obviously gets sucked in because he says that he worries about hurting her. [Note for future potential “Bachelors”: Run away when the girl starts to cry! If one of the girls get marginalized by the others, it’s because she is psycho.]

The next evening, in the most dramatic rose ceremony ever, the Bachelor starts lobbing roses at the remaining women. There are three roses left for five women since Sarah S already has one. Travis comes out and says that each woman is beautiful in their own way. [In related news, my husband just told me that a dominatrix who was charged with murder, after one of her clients died of a heart attack in her dungeon basement and instead of calling authorities she and her boyfriend dismembered the body, which has never been found, was acquitted of manslaughter.] Travis says that tonight is difficult because he has to ditch two women when he is not ready to [because they haven’t given him blowjobs yet].

Let the Rose Lobbing ceremony begin. He gives roses to Sarah B and Susan. [Chris doesn’t come out to tell the women that there is only one rose left, but luckily I can count to one, so I wasn’t too confused.] Travis gives the final rose to Moana as all of the jaws in the house drop in shock and amazement. Chris has to do something, so he tells Jehan and Tara that they should say their good-byes. Tara tells Travis to watch out because somebody [Moana, if you aren’t following this too closely] is fooling him. Jehan is convinced that Travis would have given her a rose if she hadn’t been married.

Next week, the cocksucking continues, when everyone goes to North American, but I suspect that the producers will try to find a way to show he Eiffel Tower at least once.

 

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