The Bachelor: Paris
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Travis Impresses the Women - January 9

[Author’s Note: There are many reasons why I am recapping this particular show. First and foremost, all of the shows that I have recapped for have wound up dying slow, ignominious deaths. I am hoping that my “luck” will extend to this show, because I find the whole concept reality show “dating” to be an embarrassment to the human race. I personally feel that the participants of this show are little more than whores, be they “reality”-whores or the more traditional types, selling their dignity for a chance of some TV exposure and those ever-so-lucrative offers to pose semi-nude for ‘Maxim’ magazine, so please do not expect me to be kind in my assessments of any of the participants. Secondly, my own husband, Jeff, is an Emergency Physician like Travis, the man-whore [Oops, I mean titular ‘Bachelor‘] of this series. Jeff and I met in high school, in a traditional manner: my last name began with an “R” and his with an “S”, so I sat in front of him in most of our classes, even though, of course, I am eight, possibly ten, years younger than he is [just ask my kids]. Jeff didn’t have any roses to offer, largely because neither of us derived satisfaction from smelling the sexual organs of dead plants, but I digress… I am anxious to dispel any myths that may develop over the course of the show about physicians, particularly Emergency Physicians. I suspect, however, that I was given this recapping job because nobody else wanted it. Thanks Chico and Gordon.]

(C-Note: Could be worse. You could have Skating to contend with... )

We are “treated” to a montage of the previous Bachelors and the lone Bachelorette interacting with the people that they pretended to love, along with the psychos that they chose to spurn. [Let’s face it, watching the psychos get spurned is the schadenfreude that has perpetuated this series.] This season the show will take place in Paris because it’s such a romantic place. [If it’s good enough for the couch hopping Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes, it’s good enough for Bachelor Travis.] We hear voiceovers by either partially drunk or perpetually stupid women saying how excited they are to be in Paris while they hoot and holler out the windows of their limos.

The man-whore is 33-year-old Emergency Medicine resident [i.e., he’s not even finished his training to become a “real doctor” yet] Travis Stork. We are shown gratuitous scenes of Travis running shirtless along with one of his co-workers Anna , an X-ray Technician [who has probably always harbored secret fantasies of x-raying herself having sex with Travis] gushing about how wonderful Travis is. Apparently Travis graduated magna cum laude from Duke and at the “top of his class” in Medical School [which could mean that he was in the top 49.9% of his class] and has found his true calling as an ER doc in Nashville, Tennessee. Travis has saved “hundreds of lives” [unlike apparently all of the other Emergency Physicians out there…]. Just to prove how wonderful Travis is, one of his patients, Jocelyn, talks about how Travis saved her life when she was having a heart attack. [Dr. Travis is also shown doing follow-up care on Jocelyn, which is patently ridiculous, since she would be seeing her regular Primary Care physician for follow-up treatment and not returning to the ER.]

Travis gives his “personal prescription” for a happy life, as he is seen frolicking with a dog and a friend [was the dog rented for this occasion?] “is to have a job that you love and to be with somebody that you love spending every single day of your life with.” For the last eight years of his life, medicine has been Travis’ all-consuming passion, so he hasn’t had the opportunity to meet the “right person”. [Again, this is tough to believe, because you know there’s loads of sex going on in hospitals; just watch “Grey’s Anatomy”, for example.] Travis is next seen in Paris being an ignorant American massacring the language and he orders stereotypical French food. [Wait! Where is his grocery sac with a baguette? Where is the view of the Eiffel tower from his every location?…]

Travis will be introduced to 25 American women, in the hopes that one will be his future wife. Thirteen women will be sent home the first night and the remaining twelve will get to frolic in the rented Chateau with Doctor Travis. [The chateau looks just like the Italian villa that was used for Joe Millionaire, European Gigolo.]

Let the parade of med-flies begin:
[The term “med-flies” comes from one of my husband’s co-workers. It refers to women who get all flighty and excited about a guy simply because he’s a doctor. Get it? They ‘flit and fly’ around medicos: ergo ‘med-flies‘.]

Susan, 24, a Financial Associate from Overland Park, Kansas. Susan is wearing a low-cut clingy red dress and immediately hugs Dr. Travis upon meeting him. She also kisses him upon walking up the steps.

Courtney, 28, a law clerk from Los Angeles, California, also hugs Travis, but then shakes his hand upon introducing herself to him. She idiotically calls Travis “Prince Charming“, but then Travis idiotically tells her that he had a full moon shipped in especially for the occasion [Didn‘t we see this scene in “Bruce Almighty”?], so I guess they are made for each other.

Kyle, 25, a Senior Copy Writer from Newport Beach, California [the O.C.] inanely tells Travis that he has a nice house. She also hugs him, and has the balls enough to tell Travis he is a liar when he tells her that he’s from Paris. She asks him if he likes country music and he says no, to which she replies that she will get him to like it. [Oooh, I can’t wait for that to happen.]

April, 29, who is involved in Corporate Real Estate in Dallas, Texas, eschews the traditional rolling herself up in a carpet to make an interesting first impression and instead trips on her impossibly high heels. She tells Doctor Travis that she is the biggest klutz there ever is and then giggles like a moron. She hugs Travis as well.

Next up, Jehan, 29, who is a Vitamin Sales Rep from Chicago Illinois. She also called Travis “Prince Charming” [It’s getting old already, girls] and gives him a hug, Travis tells her that she has a beautiful name.

The next ditzy blond is Kristen, a 25-year-old Marketing Director from Bonita Springs Florida who hugs Travis even before she knows his name and then tells him that she has been looking forward to “this” and is happy to be there.

Jennifer, 25, a model from Boston, Mass. She shakes his hand then hugs him tepidly.

Tara, 23, retail sales from San Diego, CA. She immediately hugs Travis then pulls at her dress so that she doesn’t have a wardrobe malfunction...or maybe she is adjusting it so that she will have one.

Venus, 33, Physician from Huntington Beach, CA. She shakes his hand and they air-kiss, but seem to have zero chemistry. [With a name like “Venus”, she must be an OB-Gyn.]

Moana, 26, Distribution Manager from Los Angeles, CA. She says that “this will be one hell of a ride” and you can almost visibly see Travis’ balls shrivel up at her intensity.

Cole, 26, Sales Executive, from Walnut Creek, California. She hugs Travis and he asks her if Cole is her real name and she says that it is.

Sara, 24, Marketing Manager, Minneapolis, MN. She seems like a gold digger because she keeps looking at the fabulous chateau rather than making eye contract with Doctor Dreamy.

Lisa, 24, IT Recruiter, Overland Park, KS. She hugs Travis and asks him if he is nervous, to which he replies that he is and she says that she is experiencing a “weird calm that scares me.”

Princess, 26, Substitute Teacher, Los Angeles, CA. She hugs Travis and he asks her where she got her name. Princess tells Travis that her mother named her. [Really? My mother named me too. Pretty weird, huh?]

Liza, 23, Trade Clerk, Chicago Illinois. Liza, who has a husky voice [think Patty and Selma from “The Simpsons”] hugs Travis and he welcomes her insincerely.

The host, Chris Harrison, comes up to Travis and asks him what he thinks. Travis says “every woman who comes out has her own personality. [OK, you dumb shit, women all over have their own personalities. No need to state the obvious, or wasn’t it obvious to you until now?] They are smiling, engaging, it’s perfect.” [Left unsaid is the fact that they are probably easy as well.]

The med-flies continue their buzzing.

Sarah, 26, a Kindergarten Teacher, from Nashville Tennessee, quickly realizes, after she hugs Travis that they both live in Nashville and they both hug with glee when they realize that they are neighbors.

Kathy, 25, a graduate student, from Stockton, California, shakes Travis’ hand. She has a visible tattoo on her back. Travis thanks for her coming and she says, “Thank you. Not a problem.” [Early prediction: she’s obviously not going to get a rose.]

Jaime, 29, a Physician Recruiter from Big Rock, VA. She hugs him and they talk about her accent and they hug again.

Elizabeth, 24, a social worker from Windham, New Hampshire. They shake hands and he welcomes her to his chateau. She hugs him as she walks away.

Yvonne, 28, CFO of a Marketing Firm, from Miami Florida, hugs Travis and then comments on his beautiful tie and beautiful eyes and how well coordinated they are, she hugs him again and says that she is looking forward to talking to him.

Shiloh, 29, Advertising Manager from Phoenix Arizona, hugs Travis then kisses him on both cheeks.

Ali D., 26, NBA Dancer, from Seattle Washington, hugs Travis and tells him that she hopes that he will show her around Paris.

Stephanie, 25, Public Relations Director, Walnut Creek, CA asks Travis if she can hug him then tells him that her heart is racing and that she is nervous.

Allie G., a Doctor, oncologist, 33 from Delray Beach, Fl speaks to Travis in French, which she minored in and it’s obvious that this disturbs him, as if he wants to be the smart one in the relationship. [Another early prediction: she’s not getting a rose either.]

Sarah, 23, a student from Winnipeg, Canada introduces herself. He asks her where she is from [as if he could identify even one Canadian city by its position on a map] and she says Manitoba. He clearly doesn’t know where it is.

Travis goes inside the Chateau to be around the women. He is told that he can give one of the “girls” a rose at the party, right away. Jennifer says that he is “ridiculously gorgeous and we would make hot little babies.” [Now there’s a novel way to attract a man: tell him that your offspring will be sexually attractive.] Travis thanks everyone for coming to Paris and then mingles with the women. He reveals that he is a doctor, which causes the women to squeal like the little med-flies they are.

Allie reveals, “I’m a doctor, he’s a doctor” and she thinks that she is a shoo-in. She’s looking for a husband. Hopefully it will be ‘The Bachelor’ because “quite frankly my eggs are rotting.” [Really, she said this. I couldn’t even make this shit up.] Jehan figures out that he is a doctor and says that Travis is “definitely my type.” There are comments in the room about Travis having “doctor hands” or being “good with his hands.” [Give me a freaking break here! If he were a woodcarver, then you could say he’s got great hands, or if he was a plastic surgeon, or even if he were a hand model.]

Sarah, the kindergarten teacher, tells Travis that she was more nervous about meeting the other women than meeting him. He sort of accuses her of being there to meet women, which she denies. She worries that she gave him the wrong impression.

Kristen, a very bosomy, Tara Reid look-alike, gives Travis a shot glass from her hometown and tells him that she hopes that they will have a shot together. [Oh, the double-entendre is just too painful...]

Moana is asked why she came and she says that a life worth living is one where you make mistakes. Travis notices her shivering and gallantly drapes his suit jacket over her shoulders then tells her that he is glad that she came.

A rose is brought in on a silver platter and the cat claws come out as the women talk about how much they wanted the rose.

Allie G starts telling Travis, in front of Yvonne, that she is comfortable in her position and life and she is anxious to enter the next phase, the reproduction phase, and if it matches his goals then she is the woman for him. [Another great pick-up line there, Allie.]

Yvonne tells him that she was not ready for the reproduction phase and Travis was grateful for the lightening of the mood. Jaime starts getting scary and tells Travis that Virginia is the state for lovers. Sarah from Manitoba tells Travis that she loves to get out of the city and go camping.

Sarah from Manitoba is given the first rose. Chris then comes in and takes Travis away to prepare for the Rose Ceremony. [I’m sorry, this show is just missing the emotional wallop that it might have had with the presence of Montecore the falcon, from “Joe Schmo“.]

After a commercial break, Chris tells the women that there are only 11 more roses to be handed out. Travis does a lame speech about how 13 women will not get roses and he won’t get to know them.

He hands out roses to Cole, Moana, Jennifer, Elizabeth, Shiloh, Yvonne, Jehan, Susan, Tara, Sarah from Tennessee, with the final rose going to Kristen. Chris gives the women who didn’t get a rose the opportunity to say goodbye. Allie G starts on a rant saying that she can’t believe that he chose some of those women over her. [Obviously his psycho-freak-dar went off.] She says that she “directed her life towards her career and he doesn’t chose that just like every other man.” She tells some of the other women that she went on the show because conventional methods like internet dating and blind dating didn’t work. She says that the only reason to be married is to have kids. Ali D., one of the other castoffs argues with her and says that it’s just Allie’s opinion and Allie retorts “he’s in his thirties, he should be really and willing to proceed with that part of his life. Men are bleep, bleep.”

Allie G. goes back into the Chateau and asks Travis why he didn’t choose her and the chosen women look on in utter amazement. “You don’t find me attractive, I’m too short, my boobs are too small? What?” Travis says that she said that she was ready to reproduce and that he isn’t ready for that. She says that he is just playing around. He says that she doesn’t know him and that he doesn’t put the cart before the horse. [I believe that he also avoids counting chickens before they hatch, but that may be just a nasty rumor.] She says that he is participating in this show to find a significant other. As she stalk off, she says various things that are bleeped out and then says that Travis is like all of the other doctors that she knows and is intimidated by a professional women. She then goes on to say that maybe she won’t be doing any more dating, that she will just join a convent. [Hey Allie! You can always become a lesbian; ever thought of that?]

Previews: In the upcoming weeks Travis will kiss many women, there will be many catfights, and many women will cry.

During the credits, Allie is seen talking to some crew-member, calling Travis a fucking idiot for not choosing another doctor. She feels like she has been cheated and guesses that she shouldn’t have talked about reproducing. [Ahhh. The satisfying moment of personal psycho-freak!]

If you are feeling lucky, you can play ABC’s Rose Ceremony game and win a trip to Paris. Basically you have to care enough to predict who is going home before each episode. Since I don’t care, I won’t win.


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