- January 23
[ABC is still running two episodes of the
Bachelor on Monday nights. Last weeks episode aired at 9:00 while a new episode
aired at 10:00. The show that it replaces Emilys Reasons Why Not must have
been truly crappy for them to think that repeats of this train wreck will draw
more viewers to their network.]
The show begins with a scene of Travis running shirtless down a French Country
lane while he says that he is excited about his change to get to know eight
women better. [Wouldnt it be funny if all of their menstrual cycles got synced
up and they started PMSing at the same time
?] He says that two of his best
friends, Matt and Kevin, are going to pay a visit to the women. Matt and Kevin
are both also physicians, which will no doubt make the med-flies, squeal with
Matt and Kevin sit down out an outdoor picnic table a human skeleton perched in
the background. [Cool! Maybe this will turn into a horror movie and everyone who
has sex will violently die a gruesome death.]
[The identifying comments shown at the bottom of the TV screen shows us that
Kevin is an Orthopedic Resident and Matt is an Orthopedic Surgeon Resident.
I am not quite sure why the men have different designations, because by
definition if you are an Orthopedic Resident, you are an Orthopedic Surgery
The men start asking the girls medical questions. What is the most powerful
muscle in the body [I am not a professional, but I am pretty sure that
skeletons dont have muscles.] Sarah B. from Canada is given a pointer and
points at the hip. Tara, slut that she is, says that the most powerful muscle is
the tongue. Sarah S. says that its the brain. Susan says that its the
The men next show the women three engagement rings and they are supposed to pick
a ring and say why they would chose it. [Oh yeah, I believe that these men came
up with this game
] Tara chooses the biggest ring because its the most
romantic. Moana says that she is shallow and also chooses the largest ring.
Next the men ask if the women have any unique talents [like the ability to
suck a ping pong ball through a small tube?]. Shiloh attempts break dancing, but
she looks like a moron. Sarah S. wisely shows the men that she can stick her
fist in her mouth. [Men always love the idea of fisting
] Susan juggles; Sarah
B. does the splits, while Jennifer models a swimsuit.
The girls are given a box of love. The men have chosen Susan for the
one-on-one date at Café de la Paix in Paris. Sarah B. says that she is jealous,
but she knows that Travis is going to save the first kiss for her. [She must
also believe in Santa Claus.] Travis comes in to pick up Susan, carrying a box
of pizzas for the spinsters who have to stay at home.
Travis and Susan get into a tiny car and head to Paris. They make a few wrong
turns and it starts raining. The road gets blocked by an old farmer and his
cattle, so they stop and ask for directions. Eventually they make it to Paris
and, of course, there are fabulous views of the Eiffel Tower.
The rose is on the table and Travis tells Susan to ignore it and try to have a
fun evening. They eat escargot and drink wine. Susan asks Travis why he is still
single. Travis says that he never wants to be divorced and doesnt want to
regret marrying the wrong person. [So he goes on this stupid contrived dating
show; yeah, that makes sense.]
Back at home, the women talk about Susans chances with Travis. They talk about
the fact that she is an actress who wants to move to Los Angeles, so they think
that she is playing a game. Moana thinks that somebody as intelligent as Travis
wont be fooled by somebody who isnt sincere. Sarah S. thinks that both Susan
and Moana are there for the wrong reasons.
At the restaurant, Susan tells Travis that she is full of self-doubt and she
likes him very much and it freaks her out. Travis tells her that she doesnt
need to be full of self-doubt; every guy in Paris is hoping that she will walk
out of the restaurant alone, because she is beautiful and has depth. He then
reaches over and offers her the rose. They kiss and hug and she thanks him and
tells him that he is amazing. They go out on a terrace and look at the lights
and streets below [no doubt they have a view of the Eiffel Tower as well]. She
tells him that she is a smitten kitten and they start kissing and making out
on the balcony.
A treasure chest appears at the womens house as they are trashing Susan.
Shiloh, Moana, Sarah S, Jehan, and Tara are invited on the next date to the
French Riviera. Susan comes back carrying her rose. She is asked if she kissed
Travis and she reveals that he kissed her. Sarah B. is ticked off at this
development, having been promised the first kiss by Travis. Susan is asked if
there was tongue, but she says no, shes keeping it classy. [Yeah, this show
is all about class.]
Travis picks up the women and they fly on a private jet to a yacht. Onboard
theres a big food spread and the rooms are very elaborate. Everyone strips down
to bathing suits and Travis and Moana dive into the water. Moana then lures
Travis onto a jet ski and they take off leaving the other women on the boat.
Travis says that Moana is more proactive than the other women about getting her
way and he likes this character trait.
That evening, the group heads into a casino. Travis says that he is feeling
lucky. Shiloh asks Travis to go for a walk. Travis encourages Shiloh to talk
about whatever she wants to. Shiloh tells him that she hopes he will give all of
the women a chance and warns him that some of the women are not sincere in their
intentions. The rest of the women use this opportunity to grill Moana about her
intentions and she is non-committal about her feelings, which pisses the rest of
the women off.
Back at the house, another box arrives. Sarah B and Jennifer are given a note:
Looking forward to sharing a part of me with both of you. [Sperm? Venereal
Disease?] They are given another note: Tomorrow one rose, one stays and one
goes and they start screeching and freaking out.
When they get back to the boat, there is a rose waiting. Travis takes Sarah S.
off to the side and she uses the opportunity to talk to Travis. He wonders if
she is a sexual being and gets passionate, and she says that she totally
gets passionate. Just as the conversation starts getting interesting, Tara
interrupts by coming up to the top deck to use the hot tub. Travis lets the
women know that he isnt giving out the rose that evening. The next morning,
Travis is in bed and Moana comes into his bedroom with coffee. She gets into his
bed and they cuddle. The women, sitting on the deck, realize what she has done
and Sarah S calls her a bitch. Eventually Travis and Moana come out and Travis
brings out the rose and gives it to Moana. Sarah says that Moana isnt sincere
and she likes Travis so much that she doesnt want to see him get hurt by her.
Travis arrives at the house to take Jennifer and Sarah B. on their next date.
Jennifer is expecting an elaborate trip and seems disappointed when she finds
out that they are going camping. [She has never been camping.] Travis tells her
to be open-minded and she snarkily comments that open minded means watch out
for bugs and peeing in the woods. [Im with her!] They go to a campsite and
Travis tells the women that as a child he frequently went camping. Travis tries
to teach Jennifer skills [Chicks dig guys with skills
] and he says that he enjoys watching her. She says that
she doesnt like the outdoors but she wants to give it 110% [Thats it! She
doesnt understand math; shes out of there.] Travis takes her into a tent and
they talk, while Sarah B sits outside sulking.
Jennifer leaves the tent and Sarah B goes inside. She immediately tells Travis
that it seems as though Jennifer was giving all of the right answers and that
she isnt going to be that type of girl. She says that Jennifer is answering all
of the questions like Miss America and she doesnt want to be that way.
Travis says that he feels really awkward and he offers the rose to Sarah B.
Travis says that he never really felt a connection with Jennifer. She is
disappointed and starts crying, wondering what she had done wrong.
After dumping Jennifer into the car, Travis runs back to Sarah B and lies on top
of her and they start cuddling and making out. [Tongues were definitely
Travis has three roses to give out. [In the most shocking rose ceremony ever]
Susan, Moana and Sarah B have roses, so one of the women will be going home. He
hands out the roses first to Jehan then to Tara. As if the two remaining women
cant tell that there is only one rose left, Chris comes out and lets them know
that there is only one rose left. [Hes got a really easy job!] Travis picks up
the rose and gives it to Sarah S.
Shiloh looks dejected and says her good-byes. She thanks Travis, then says
goodbye to the women. She says that she hopes that Travis wont end up with
Moana. Travis says that he didnt feel as though he had a connection with
Shiloh. He is convinced that he might find love with one of the remaining six
Next week on The Bachelor, it looks like some of Travis female relatives are
going to decide who gets the next date. Also there is a bike ride and the winner
will get a special surprise [perhaps a vibrating seat?]. Jehan reveals a
secret and the women trash Moana.