The Bachelor: Paris
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Catch it: 10p ET ABC Mondays

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Three - January 23

[ABC is still running two episodes of the Bachelor on Monday nights. Last week’s episode aired at 9:00 while a new episode aired at 10:00. The show that it replaces “Emily’s Reasons Why Not” must have been truly crappy for them to think that repeats of this train wreck will draw more viewers to their network.]

The show begins with a scene of Travis running shirtless down a French Country lane while he says that he is excited about his change to get to know eight women better. [Wouldn’t it be funny if all of their menstrual cycles got synced up and they started PMSing at the same time…?] He says that two of his best friends, Matt and Kevin, are going to pay a visit to the women. Matt and Kevin are both also physicians, which will no doubt make the med-flies, squeal with orgasmic delight.

Matt and Kevin sit down out an outdoor picnic table a human skeleton perched in the background. [Cool! Maybe this will turn into a horror movie and everyone who has sex will violently die a gruesome death.]

[The identifying comments shown at the bottom of the TV screen shows us that Kevin is an “Orthopedic Resident” and Matt is an “Orthopedic Surgeon Resident”. I am not quite sure why the men have different designations, because by definition if you are an Orthopedic Resident, you are an Orthopedic Surgery Resident.]

The men start asking the girls medical questions. “What is the most powerful muscle in the body” [I am not a professional, but I am pretty sure that skeletons don’t have muscles.] Sarah B. from Canada is given a pointer and points at the hip. Tara, slut that she is, says that the most powerful muscle is the tongue. Sarah S. says that it’s the brain. Susan says that it’s the intestines.

The men next show the women three engagement rings and they are supposed to pick a ring and say why they would chose it. [Oh yeah, I believe that these men came up with this game…] Tara chooses the biggest ring because it’s the “most romantic.” Moana says that she is shallow and also chooses the largest ring.

Next the men ask if the women have any “unique talents” [like the ability to suck a ping pong ball through a small tube?]. Shiloh attempts break dancing, but she looks like a moron. Sarah S. wisely shows the men that she can stick her fist in her mouth. [Men always love the idea of fisting…] Susan juggles; Sarah B. does the splits, while Jennifer models a swimsuit.

The girls are given a “box of love.” The men have chosen Susan for the one-on-one date at Café de la Paix in Paris. Sarah B. says that she is jealous, but she knows that Travis is going to save the first kiss for her. [She must also believe in Santa Claus.] Travis comes in to pick up Susan, carrying a box of pizzas for the spinsters who have to stay at home.

Travis and Susan get into a tiny car and head to Paris. They make a few wrong turns and it starts raining. The road gets blocked by an old farmer and his cattle, so they stop and ask for directions. Eventually they make it to Paris and, of course, there are fabulous views of the Eiffel Tower.

The rose is on the table and Travis tells Susan to ignore it and try to have a fun evening. They eat escargot and drink wine. Susan asks Travis why he is still single. Travis says that he never wants to be divorced and doesn’t want to regret marrying the wrong person. [So he goes on this stupid contrived dating show; yeah, that makes sense.]

Back at home, the women talk about Susan’s chances with Travis. They talk about the fact that she is an actress who wants to move to Los Angeles, so they think that she is playing a game. Moana thinks that somebody as intelligent as Travis won’t be fooled by somebody who isn’t sincere. Sarah S. thinks that both Susan and Moana are there for the wrong reasons.

At the restaurant, Susan tells Travis that she is full of self-doubt and she likes him very much and it freaks her out. Travis tells her that she doesn’t need to be full of self-doubt; every guy in Paris is hoping that she will walk out of the restaurant alone, because she is beautiful and has depth. He then reaches over and offers her the rose. They kiss and hug and she thanks him and tells him that he is amazing. They go out on a terrace and look at the lights and streets below [no doubt they have a view of the Eiffel Tower as well]. She tells him that she is a “smitten kitten” and they start kissing and making out on the balcony.

A treasure chest appears at the women’s house as they are trashing Susan. Shiloh, Moana, Sarah S, Jehan, and Tara are invited on the next date to the French Riviera. Susan comes back carrying her rose. She is asked if she kissed Travis and she reveals that he kissed her. Sarah B. is ticked off at this development, having been promised the first kiss by Travis. Susan is asked if there was tongue, but she says no, she’s “keeping it classy.” [Yeah, this show is all about class.]

Travis picks up the women and they fly on a private jet to a yacht. Onboard there’s a big food spread and the rooms are very elaborate. Everyone strips down to bathing suits and Travis and Moana dive into the water. Moana then lures Travis onto a jet ski and they take off leaving the other women on the boat. Travis says that Moana is more proactive than the other women about getting her way and he likes this character trait.

That evening, the group heads into a casino. Travis says that he is feeling lucky. Shiloh asks Travis to go for a walk. Travis encourages Shiloh to talk about whatever she wants to. Shiloh tells him that she hopes he will give all of the women a chance and warns him that some of the women are not sincere in their intentions. The rest of the women use this opportunity to grill Moana about her intentions and she is non-committal about her feelings, which pisses the rest of the women off.

Back at the house, another box arrives. Sarah B and Jennifer are given a note: “Looking forward to sharing a part of me with both of you.” [Sperm? Venereal Disease?] They are given another note: “Tomorrow one rose, one stays and one goes” and they start screeching and freaking out.

When they get back to the boat, there is a rose waiting. Travis takes Sarah S. off to the side and she uses the opportunity to talk to Travis. He wonders if she is a “sexual being” and “gets passionate”, and she says that she totally gets passionate. Just as the conversation starts getting interesting, Tara interrupts by coming up to the top deck “to use the hot tub.” Travis lets the women know that he isn’t giving out the rose that evening. The next morning, Travis is in bed and Moana comes into his bedroom with coffee. She gets into his bed and they cuddle. The women, sitting on the deck, realize what she has done and Sarah S calls her a bitch. Eventually Travis and Moana come out and Travis brings out the rose and gives it to Moana. Sarah says that Moana isn’t sincere and she likes Travis so much that she doesn’t want to see him get hurt by her.

Travis arrives at the house to take Jennifer and Sarah B. on their next date. Jennifer is expecting an elaborate trip and seems disappointed when she finds out that they are going camping. [She has never been camping.] Travis tells her to be open-minded and she snarkily comments that open minded means “watch out for bugs and peeing in the woods.” [I’m with her!] They go to a campsite and Travis tells the women that as a child he frequently went camping. Travis tries to teach Jennifer skills [Chicks dig guys with skills…like hacking skills…nun-chuck skills…] and he says that he enjoys watching her. She says that she doesn’t like the outdoors but she wants to give it 110% [That’s it! She doesn’t understand math; she’s out of there.] Travis takes her into a tent and they talk, while Sarah B sits outside sulking.

Jennifer leaves the tent and Sarah B goes inside. She immediately tells Travis that it seems as though Jennifer was giving “all of the right answers” and that she isn’t going to be that type of girl. She says that Jennifer is answering all of the questions like “Miss America” and she doesn’t want to be that way.

Travis says that he feels really awkward and he offers the rose to Sarah B. Travis says that he never really felt a connection with Jennifer. She is disappointed and starts crying, wondering what she had done wrong.

After dumping Jennifer into the car, Travis runs back to Sarah B and lies on top of her and they start cuddling and making out. [Tongues were definitely involved.]

Travis has three roses to give out. [In the most shocking rose ceremony ever] Susan, Moana and Sarah B have roses, so one of the women will be going home. He hands out the roses first to Jehan then to Tara. As if the two remaining women can’t tell that there is only one rose left, Chris comes out and lets them know that there is only one rose left. [He’s got a really easy job!] Travis picks up the rose and gives it to Sarah S.

Shiloh looks dejected and says her good-byes. She thanks Travis, then says goodbye to the women. She says that she hopes that Travis won’t end up with Moana. Travis says that he didn’t feel as though he had a connection with Shiloh. He is convinced that he might find love with one of the remaining six women.

Next week on The Bachelor, it looks like some of Travis’ female relatives are going to decide who gets the next date. Also there is a bike ride and the winner will get “a special surprise” [perhaps a vibrating seat?]. Jehan reveals a secret and the women trash Moana.


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