Two - January 16

[Last week, while minding my own business, watching ABC, I saw several commercials indicating that this week’s Bachelor would be a “Very Special Two Hour Bachelor.” As I saw the commercials, I was consumed by dread and I wondered who in the universe I had pissed off to incur such bad karma that I had to sit through the crap that is “The Bachelor” for two full hours. I also wondered if this “Very Special Bachelor” would take on the trappings of the “Very Special” episodes of other shows. I asked myself, would one of the characters have a terminal illness? Or maybe Travis, after hearing the siren call of Allie G begging him to reproduce, had decided to try an alternative lifestyle. Or maybe the neighboring French villagers might storm the castle (with torches and pitchforks, of course), convinced that some sort of monster was being made from the rotting corpses of their god-fearing townsfolk. Or better yet, perhaps my “luck” at recapping crappy shows had already rubbed off and ABC had decided to burn off extra episodes of “The Bachelor”, so that when sweeps week came in May, they could offer something more tasteful to their viewing audience like “Who Wants to Be A Millionaire - Primetime.” The possibilities were endless. So I watched and it turns out that the “Very Special” episode of “The Bachelor” was little more than ABC trying to compete with The Golden Globes (Wasn’t Hugh Laurie a riot?) so they pulled the old bait-and-switch on people too stupid to read their TV Guides or change the season pass on their TiVo and simply showed a repeat of the first episode. I have to say, there was nothing “Very Special” about the first episode, so I feel as though I have been lied to by ABC.]

We are “treated” to a summary of the events of last week’s episode. [If you didn’t see the show, read my recap.] At the end, Chris says, “...and in the end, twelve women have the chance to become a doctor’s wife.” [This statement pisses me off on so many levels. I mean, I am a doctor’s wife, but when I married my husband, he was shoveling cow shit at an animal research facility. (Spare me the PETA diatribe, pretend that the animals were given organic feed, lovingly brushed four times a day and were not killed at the end of the day. There, was that so hard?…) He later got into medical school. What most people don’t realize is that most physicians graduate medical school with over $100,000 in debt. Then you have to do a residency, where you are paid about $30-40,000 a year to work over eighty hours a week. My youngest daughter was born during my husband’s residency and I had a 24-hour time frame to push her out and recover. Did I mention the fact that I almost died while giving birth to her and my husband was downstairs in the basement of the hospital working on a paper and when he came back upstairs, he didn’t notice my blue lips, but what he did notice is that the medical team who saved my life had eaten some of his Sour Patch candies, but I digress. The show makes it seem like being the wife of a doctor is like being a fairy princess, and it’s not like that. Many times, the girls and I are alone on major holidays because my husband has to work. The concept of ‘9-to-5‘ is a joke. One day my husband might work 10 p.m. to 7 a.m. and then have to work from 3 p.m. to 12 p.m. or 7 a.m. to 5 p.m. On any given day he might have to work any given shift. My children never know if their daddy will be home or if they will have to be quiet while he sleeps off his shift. I won’t even go into the financial aspects. People think, “doctor = rich”, which is not true. Thanks to managed care and government payments, a physician might be paid as little as $10 for a visit. So think about this: you go to high school, then college, then medical school, then a residency and perhaps a fellowship, and the government offers you $10 for your time, which you will then be taxed on. Plumbers make more money. But that’s ok, these med-flies are too stupid to think beyond the trappings of “doctor’s wife.”]

Tonight , the dates begin in “The Most Romantic City in the World.” [Who labeled Paris the most romantic city in the world? Personally, I think that the town of Buttonwillow, CA is pretty romantic, but I guess their PR person took the year off.] Travis has the option of giving out roses on his dates and with “so much at stake” the girls will stop at nothing to get Travis’ attention. [I don’t want to give anything away, but this statement is so untrue. This show is not like Joe Millionaire where the sluts, er, bachelorettes, give blow jobs in the garden to stay on the show…]

The girls are shown to the house that they will be living in. It’s a French Country Manor and the girls run through the house screaming and shrieking. There is also a carousel in the backyard. [Those wacky French!] Chris tells the girls that there will be two group-dates and one single date. There will be one rose for each date and the Bachelor has the option of giving it out during the date. Kristen, as the dubious recipient of the “last rose” [a phrase soon to be trademarked by ABC] gets to go on a private date with Travis. Chris explains that the individual dates are “dangerous” because the Bachelor has to decide if he wants to keep you during the date and if he doesn’t give you a rose, then you will have to go back to the United States. [Maybe the producers are trying to make the women act more slutty on their dates.]

The Bachelorettes are presented with a “bin of love” letting them know about their date with Travis. Cole, Yvonne, Sarah from Tennessee, Elizabeth and Jehan will be touring Paris with Travis. The women “ooh” and “ahh” over a red note supposedly written by Travis. [I am skeptical because the writing is too neat.] Travis says that he has been to Medical School, but he has never seen a textbook about how you are supposed to date five women. [That’s because you aren’t supposed to date five women at a time, unless of course you live in the State of Utah and then it’s practically a requirement.] He meets up with the women and they step into a red double-decker bus that had been pimped out with a couch and pillows on the inside. [“Thank you Xzibit and MTV, for pimping my ride!”]

Travis and the women talk about their likes and dislikes. Mostly Travis talks about how much he likes to go camping and being outdoors. Sarah confesses that in Tennessee most people camp, hike, and do things outdoors, which is why she would be perfect for Travis. Then she reveals her slutty side by saying that she would love to crawl in a tent with Travis. [She just wants some tent-pole action.]

The merry group tours Paris on top of the bus, getting loaded on champagne. In the evening, they go to an amusement park and go on a carousel. [Don’t they have one at home?] Cole has some one-on-one time with Travis. He asks her about her thoughts for the future. [As if he cares, this guy just wants to get laid and be a media whore.] Cole, smart enough to learn from Allie G’s “reproduction” fiasco, says “I’m ready for a committed relationship. What’s it all worth if you won’t have somebody to celebrate all of your success with at the end of the day.” [She used the “C” word; I predict that she will not be allowed to smell the sexual organs of the dead plant.] The Eiffel tower lights up and Cole uses the opportunity to give Travis a rose. [An act to be distinguished from Travis giving Cole a rose, which would mean that he wants to get into her pants.] Cole objectifies Travis by saying, “Travis is handsome and charming and every mother in the worth would be excited if her daughter brought home a doctor.” [Why? So that she could get vaginal exams for free?]

Back at Slut Manor, Kristen talks about how excited she is to go on her single date. She is so exciting that she is showing the other sluts how to make a wedding dress out of toilet paper. The doorbell rings and another “box of love” shows up. It’s a letter to Kristen that says “Let’s cruise down the Seine together.” Kristen says that her date is going to be like magic. The other girls snarkily comment that they don’t think that Travis will like Kristen enough to give her a rose, so she will be going home.

Meanwhile back at Whorefest 2006, the group turns up a the Arc de Triomphe and go up on top of it. [As opposed to going down on it.] Dinner is set up and rain starts pouring down. Travis gallantly offers to sit in the “wet spot.” [If a man parks his ass in the wet spot, he’s definitely a keeper…] Travis pulls Jehan off to the side and they sit under faux fur rugs and umbrellas and drink even more champagne. [I will snarkily comment that the champagne seemed to be pre-uncorked for Travis, as if he isn’t man enough to shoot off his own cork.] Jehan asks Travis about his life. He says, “Working in the Emergency Room is what I am called to do in life.” [OK, this is where my insider information comes in handy. Any Emergency Physician or wife knows that the place where Emergency Physicians work, is properly called an Emergency Department or ED. Emergency Room is an archaic term, think about it…is it really a room? No, it’s a Department.]

Travis asks Jehan what she likes and she says “nature, church, and health.” Travis says that there is ‘something’ about Jehan. She is always smiling and he can see them hanging out together in a bar in Nashville, she is amazing. The other women comment about how pathetic the rain-soaked rose looks and just as they are talking, Travis walks up, takes the rose and gives it to Jehan. Jehan presumes a lot from this gesture and says that her ideal situation would be to have Travis propose to her in Paris after giving her the final rose. [She just met the guy and she is already thinking about marriage. She needs some therapy.]

Kristen, a chunkier version of Tara Reid, is shown painting her face because she wasn’t already wearing enough makeup. She realizes that if the date doesn’t go well that she could be going home tonight. She sits down and starts composing a poem to Travis. Some sample verses: “down the Seine River” then she pauses to think of a word that rhymes. [How about sliver, liver, quiver…] She throws out “come hither” and then says that she also has ‘Post It’ notes to put on herself to remind her to say witty bon mots like “I need a hug.” Travis calls Barbara, Kristen’s mother, to find out what type of food Kristen likes. Barbara says that Kristen likes Italian food. Travis goes to Whore House, knocks on the door, and waits to be let in. Kristen jumps around idiotically for a minute, apparently forgetting that she has to unlock the door for him. After she leaves, all of the women cattily talk about how cheesy Kristen’s poetry is and they are all totally convinced that she will not be getting a rose.

Travis and Kristen drink wine while cruising on the river. [I think it is the same boat that Jerry Hall and Anwar from ‘Kept’ had their cruise-date on. http://www.gameshownewsnet.com/prime/kept/072805.html ] Kristen reads her poem: “Tonight is our first date. Being with You I know it will Be Great. We are going cruising down the Seine River together, and after last night I hope that we have great weather. So let’s go have some fun and make sure to look at the sky, because you never know which star will make a twinkle in your eye” [He says “thank you” to her, but you can tell by his grimace that he is wishing that the date was over with already.] They drink some more. [At this point, I wish that I was drinking too. What kind of person voluntarily chooses to watch this shit.]

The evil spinsters remaining at home discuss their turn-ons. Cole says that she likes it when a guy’s “nipples get hard.” She also likes to run her hands up their chest, then tweak their nipples. Tara says that she likes using baby oil. Then about half of the women say that they enjoy having their hair pulled during sex. [Oh, I get it, they are all masochists, which is why they allowed themselves to be degraded by being on this show.]

Travis tells Kristen that he called her mom and asked about dinner. When they do eat, dinner is tackily served in tinfoil containers that could have come directly from the supermarket. [I assume this show has a decent budget. Couldn’t they have rented some dishes?] Kristen adds to the tacky factor during dinner when she cuts up an orange peel to make it look like false teeth. She obviously didn’t get the memo that it wasn’t “Talk Like a Pirate Day” [September 19th] and she embarrasses herself and Travis by talking and drinking with the false teeth. [She’s so not getting a rose.] She asks Travis, “Is it cute?”, and he replies “I love it” and she believes him. [Newsflash to Kristen: run away fast, this guy is a liar.]

Back at whore manor, a barrel of love arrives. Jennifer, Tara, Moana, Shiloh, Sarah B. and Susan get to go on the next date. There is another cheesy card which says “Real champagne only comes from one place…“ [WALMART?!] We are going to go find it.“

Travis tells Kristen that it’s the end of the date. [I could recap the insincere crap that he said to make her feel better, but typing the treacle would make me nauseous. ] Basically, he dumps her and she is sent packing. Cut to the catty bitches back at the house, who are “shocked” and “awed” when somebody comes in to pick up Kristen’s luggage.

The next day, Travis arrives with two helicopters to take the women to the Caves Pommery for some champagne tasting. The group goes into a corner of the champagne basement and start “tasting” champagne. They try “Springtime Brut Rose” and Susan says that the champagne tastes like “a warm summer walk.” [Dirt and squished slugs on the bottom of your shoe?] Tara immediately tells her that the description is pretty shallow.

Like a lion separating a wildebeast from the flock, Travis pulls Shiloh aside to talk with her. Moana takes the time to ask the other women if there is any among them that wouldn’t take the rose. She says that if she is interested in a guy, she wouldn’t really like the idea of him dating a bunch of other women. [Wow, one of these women is finally showing a small bit of self-respect.] Susan trashes Moana, doubting her sincerity [Yet she has nothing but good things to say about the man who is willing to date twelve women at a time.] The group eats some cheese, then Travis takes Sarah B off to the side to talk. While they are talking, Tara and Jennifer act really drunk, doing some sort of strange martial arts/belly dancing/vogueing that cannot be adequately described in words. Sarah B goes on and on with Travis, telling how much she likes him. She sort of puckers up for a kiss, but Travis asks for her a hug instead, saying that he isn’t comfortable kissing one girl when he is on a date with six women. When they rejoin the group, Travis tells them that he wishes he cold split the rose into six parts. Tara then grabs Travis and pulls him to the side saying, “I’m not super-aggressive, but I wanted to have time with you.” He kisses her on the cheek and she starts going into some drunken ramblings about how she doesn’t want to share him. Travis decides to give the rose to Tara. Sarah B thought that she had a real connection with Travis and is upset by his choice.

Later, the women drive up to Travis’ chateau for a pre-rose ceremony cocktail party. The women use the last few minutes to jockey for a rose. They all tell him how wonderful he is and how much they like him because they know that three women will be leaving. Travis takes Susan into her room to give her “a little something” for her birthday. It’s rich, smooth and creamy and the sight of it makes Susan squeal with delight and say “This is the best birthday ever.” It’s a cake [Get your mind out of the gutter. What did you think it was?] She makes a wish and blows out the candles. Tara and Jehan, perhaps feeling safe because they have roses, go looking for Travis, who seems poised to kiss Susan when they walk in and kill the mood. He sends them on their way with cake and they admit that they are jealous of the private time that Susan and Travis had together.

Travis and Sarah B go outside. He tells her that he really wanted to kiss her in the Champagne caves, but couldn’t do it because there would other women on the date. Sarah B begs his for a kiss and they settle on a “baby kiss” [whatever that is]. The women watch them from the balcony and make comments like “he is totally feeling her up” and two other comments that are bleeped out. Sarah worries that Travis is going around kissing other women and he says “I haven’t kissed anyone, but if I did, it would be you.”

It’s time for the Rose Ceremony. Tara and Jehan already “earned” roses on their dates. Travis gives roses to Moana, who acts as though she may not accept the rose (or maybe it isn’t an act), Sarah S, Jennifer, Sarah B and Shiloh. Chris comes in and does his “this is the final rose bit” and Travis gives the final rose to Birthday Girl Susan. Elizabeth, Yvonne and Cole do not receive roses and are told that they can say their good-byes.

Cole goes off on a mini-rant about how not all of the women are there for “the right reasons” and says that Travis is an intelligent guy and will figure it out. She cries and says “it’s not fair” as Travis clinks glasses with his remaining dates.

Next week the group will go to the French Riviera where people will act jocular [or is it slutty?] while wearing bathing suits and somebody will do something to cause Sarah S to call her a bitch.