Episode 24.6 - It Happened in Cleveland
July 12

Chico: Hey gang, it's Chico Alexander... and I have an announcement to make.
Gordon: You're auctioning off your Lebron James t-shirt to the Martians?
Chico: Yes. As you can imagine, I'm not getting much for it.
Gordon: It's a good thing, too, because I couldn't get Lebron James to come over here, so I do have salary cap space now.
Chico: I've decided that I'm going to stay at GSNN for as long as they'll have me. (holds sign that says "NOW HIRING")
Gordon: While Chico panders to the masses, let's start this puppy. From somewhere in the fiery pits of...t-shirt burning in Cleveland, this episode of WLTI...is...on! Gordon Pepper here, as we explain that there's other things that happened outside of Cleveland. We'll get to what happened in Cleveland later. First up, we talk about what happened to 13 people in a house in California.
Chico: 13 ... well, TWELVE... dumb people. Thus begins this year's installment of...



Chico: Why only 12? Glad you asked. Because one of them is a mole.

*Cooper pops out*

Chico: Not now, Coop.
Gordon: That would be Cooper the mole from our WLTI Brainvision Menagerie.
Chico: Here's how the Big Brother Saboteur works. There's one person who's hell-bent on causing all sorts of damage in the Big Brother House to your game, your friend's game, the game in general. If they make it to week 5 without being evicted, they win $50,000.
Gordon: We'll be seeing a lot of Cooper and The Mole during the Summer. We may not be seeing a lot of either Rachel or Annie, the 2 people on the chopping block. And I'm almost sure that the 'Mole' will turn into a houseguest.
Chico: So back to the nominees. Why Rachel or Annie, G?
Gordon: Hayden wins the first HOH competition and puts up Brandon and Rachel, the 2 people who are visibly in a alliance/relationship/dogs in heat situation.
Chico: It's Big Brother. I vote for Dogs in Heat.
Gordon: I'll go with that. Brandon wins the power of veto and takes himself off, leading Hayden to put up Annie, the person who completely overplays the game and tries to make alliances with everybody and promises to backstab everyone. NOT a good idea to do that this early with everyone being able to compare notes.
Chico: As for Annie, well, you kinda expect it, especially in the first stage of this year when NO ONE is to be trusted.
Gordon: Yes. So after the veto nomination, Annie doesn't take it too well. She gets into a fight with Britney and starts throwing stuff all over the place.
Chico: That would be #2 in the list of "Things not to do in the BB House your first week". Big Bored, please.

Chico: Number one.... Obviously, overplay your hand. It's a game, but at the same time, it's a social game. The best thing to do is just try to get along, do the things that no one else will. Cooking's a good start...
Gordon: Well #1 should be: Not find an alliance. If you don't get along and relate to people, your stay in the house will be very short.
Chico: Okay, #3 is overplaying then.
Gordon: #2 would be to overplay. Especially this early.
Chico: #3 then... what Annie did.
Gordon: That's #2.
Chico: And I Don't Know's on third base. Heh. Now there are a lot of things you don't do on the first week. But those are the two big ones.
Gordon: Annie completely overplayed what was going on. You can't do that in this game.
Chico: You can't afford to play dramatics. Because if you do, you turn off the rest of the house, and this early in the game, it's a death sentence. Your game truly is over before it begins.
Gordon: It is. Most people don't recover, because the rest of the houseguests do not want a Summer of that.
Chico: Yep. Regrettably, the last time WE got a say of "a summer like that" was 10 years ago with one guy completely off the handle and 9 cardboard cutouts, but that's another story for another day.
Gordon: #3: Don't cater to America. You've watched the show enough to know that America will play a hand on this. If America doesn't like you, they will make your life miserable or help you get sent packing.
Chico: A little thing called "America's Choice". You know it, you love it.
Gordon: And if you don't, you have to respect it
Chico: Because Big Brother gives you no choice in the matter.
Gordon: Finally, #4. Don't go with the flow. This isn't Survivor. Alliances will shift very quickly, and you have to shift with them. If you're not on the pulse of the house-think, it could be fatal.
Chico: So the best thing to be at this point: a social butterfly. Don't stay too long with anyone, but at the same time, stay long enough. Get information where you can, enough to be useful, but also to have a trump card if you need one. And let's face it. It's Big Brother, if you don't have a trump card by now, you shouldn't even be in the house. This is about as close as human chess as you're going to get.
Gordon: It's all about knowing when to cut bait and when to stay true. Annie didn't stay true to anyone, so they are all willing to cut bait.
Chico: And they all will, barring a couple of votes to the side, just to keep things interesting. *ahem*Saboteur!*ahem*
Gordon: Of course, there's 4 days left, so anything can happen, but Annie has a lot of work to do.
Chico: And not a lot of time or leeway either.
Gordon: I think I know who the saboteur is already.
Chico: Should we put up the spoilers?
Gordon: No. It's speculation. I THINK I know.
Chico: Okay, we'll save it then. Because we'll all know Thursday. That way, we can make fun of you if you're wrong.
Gordon: Let me ask you something. In The Mole, how did you know who the saboteur was?
Chico: Followed the clues.
Gordon: No.
Chico: Well, that's how I found out.
Gordon: Person with the biggest breasts.
Chico: AH... That's how YOU found out :-)
Gordon: So...who has the biggest breasts in this cast?
Chico: I can't say, but I bet she has great chemistry. Hintity hint hint.
Gordon: Actually, it's not Rachel. It's Kathy.
Chico: ... are you looking at the same chests that I am?
Gordon: Rachel has a nice chest. Kathy's are more supple. So I think she's the saboteur.
Chico: We'll see who's chest makes for great saboteuring. Meanwhile, we go from giving away money to taking money. Gordon, let's say you created a multi-million-dollar franchise from an international hit game show. I'm talking zeros for days.
Gordon: I'm a mogul! Weeeeeee!
Chico: Yay mogul. Are you going to say "Kupo" and dance all over the place?
Gordon: Those are Moogles, not moguls, but...Kupo! (Dances)
Chico: Now let's say that you sold broadcast/production rights in the USA to a media conglomerate commonly referred to as "the evil empire"?
Gordon: I'd be very happy...as long as I get my cut.
Chico: What if you didn't? What would be your next move?
Gordon: SUE!
Chico: YES! Fastforward six years in court years later... and Disney is now out $270 million. Payable to Celador, the creators of Who Wants to Be a Millionaire... Pronto.
Gordon: Do I get that money?
Chico: And no, Gordon, you don't.
Gordon: I mean if I was Celador, I'd get that money, right?
Chico: Right.
Gordon: KUPO! (Dances)
Chico: *hums "Stars & Stripes forever*"
Gordon: OK. So people have been asking 'What does this mean to Millionaire?'
Chico: And I bet you have a good answer.
Gordon: I think the answer is...nothing. It's still a viable quantity and still getting good ratings.
Chico: And besides, $270 million to Disney... $20 to you and me.
Gordon: Pretty much.
Chico: That's basically a drop in the bucket compared to the coin it's making nowadays.
Gordon: Not only that, but you want to continue the brand so you can recoup that money.
Chico: We could talk about budgeting for losers and such, but again, that's just conjecture on my part.
Gordon: Well that's just on their budget. Hopefully we won't see the Tournament of 10 again. Yuck.
Chico: If it brings in eyes, then don't discount it.
Gordon: it didn't bring in enough of them to warrant another go-around.
Chico: Granted, we think it's a piss poor way of giving out the mill, but again, if it brings in eyeballs..
Gordon: But would Chad Ochocinco bring in eyeballs?
Chico: 85 of them, to be exact.



Gordon: Well 170 eyeballs attached to 85 heads.
Chico: Right. I did the math wrong. Too many numbers in this numbered tournament that bowed Sunday on VH1. This basically follows in the great and glorious tradition of the "Of Love" series... In that it is a) a haven for attention starved media hos, and 2) it makes me feel dirty for even acknowledging its existence. So tell us Brother Gordon, how it works.
Gordon: I like to call it 'Basketball Bracket of Love', but it actually has a real title, called 'The Ultimate Catch'. And it's simple - Chad goes to different cities, eliminates a bunch, then brings the survivors back where they 'compete' against each other.
Chico: And ultimately the "winner" gets to be Chad Sesentaynueve's flavor of the month. Until he drops her like an errant pass and we are "blessed" with "Hachi Go: ... Season 2."

	OCHOCINCO: THE ULTIMATE CATCH VH1
	GORDON
	F

Gordon: Pretty much. The Good: If you're a Sesentaynueve fan, you get to see how he talks and who he is. The bad: If you're into Train Wreck TV, this is your haven. We get fights, cursing, animosity, everything...except gameplay.
Chico: SO it's completely random then.
Gordon: It's the same old VH1 dating show that VH1 swore they were not going to do any more of.
Chico: Well, that was a good couple of months. I'm personally going to wait for the skeletons to march out of the closet en masse. So what say you on Ochocinco: The Ultimate Catch?
Gordon: If I remember, you didn't want to see the show on account of your mental sanity?
Chico: That and my already fragile nerves couldn't be worked any more.
Gordon: Good choice. F.
Chico: So while you watched that pile of crap, I got BBC America's new one, Come Dine With Me. As with all BBCA shows, these are the off-broadcast reruns (though in this particular case, they're prepping the network for a run of original US based episodes). But back to business. It's basically "Which one of four people can throw the best dinner party?"
Gordon: So this is Chopped at a Dinner Party?
Chico: Right
Gordon: Which is about to be copied for Bravo by Rocco Dispirito?
Chico: Which was copied by the first official version from TLC a while back. Follow me?
Gordon: I do. So your thoughts on the show?

	COME DINE WITH ME BBC America
	CHICO
	C+

Chico: The good: it does what it says on the package. It's a competition to see who has the best dinner party... and the narrator adds a bit of dry humor to the proceedings. And they're not the cliches we've seen over the past 10 years of reality TV. They're just normal people. You could probably be on the show. I could probably be on the show. It's a palate cleanser. BUT.... The bad: it's the type of show that'll start to look (and feel) like the Real Housewives of Western Wake County really quickly. Or even worse; season 1 of Big Brother. Only the four stay on for the entire hour and you can't vote them out. So this is definitely not a format-driven show like we're used to, it's a people driven show. It's an hour you could spend doing something else, but if I had it on in the background, it wouldn't bug me that much. C+. You know what I mean?
Gordon: I do. I wouldn't watch it. I'd rather watch the Prime Time Emmys instead.
Chico: Well, I'd watch the good bits. Fastforward past the "supporting actress for a miniseries based on an original screenplay".
Gordon: Agreed. but we'd both stop at 'Best Reality Show' and 'Best Reality Host'. You have the nominations?
Chico: I DO.
Gordon: Let's see it.

Chico: The nominees for Outstanding Reality Competition... The Amazing Race, American Idol, Dancing with the Stars, Project Runway, and Top Chef. A noticeable vacancy, you sense... Apparently Survivor: Heroes and Villains don't do it for the Academy. I mean, Survivor 20 wasn't out to win awards. It was out to reward itself. And the fans.
Gordon: Agreed. It was fun, but not really worthy of a nomination. I can't completely disagree with the choice here.
Chico: I mean, you take the great majority of all Survivor seasons, and you'll have about 15 of them be genuine storytelling and action, while the other five are purely fanservice. Survivor 20 was service.
Gordon: Plus why bother showing up if they know they are going to lose to The Amazing Race?
Chico: True.
Gordon: Does anyone have a legitimate shiot here besides The Amazing Race?
Chico: Top Chef, maybe. American Idol and Dancing were just game shows with reality elements, so no big push there.
Gordon: They also didn't have great seasons.
Chico: Project Runway? I fully expect that to go to the London Philharmonic where they will continue to play second fiddle.
Gordon: Top Chef probably had the best seasons out of all of them. If there's any show that could topple TAR, I agree it woule be the Chefs.
Chico: As for the host with the most... We have Phil Keoghan, Ryan Seacrest, Tom Bergeron, Heidi Klum, and Jeff Probst. Jeff Probst is the reigning champion and for good reason.
Chico: Who has a shot at taking the title from him?
Gordon: Honestly? None of them, but if I had to say someone, I'd go with Keoghan.
Chico: Agreed. Call it a chance by proxy. The thing about Probst is he knows how to "go there" And he knows what to do once he IS there. He is the standard bearer for which all reality hosts are based.
Gordon: He's great at what he does,
Chico: You want to host a reality show? Study Jeff Probst. Not too hard, Colby.
Gordon: Colby did, and he's got the whole Probst thing down.
Chico: A little TOO well, but that's neither here nor there. Probst gets another date with Emmy?
Gordon: But Colby's still capable. Yet I don't see anything that will shake the status quo here.
Chico: Me neither. Now to shake things up a little... Here's a quarter. Here's a water cooler bottle.. GO TO TOWN!
Gordon: So starts our descent into another 'Million Dollar Mission'...yuck.



Chico: This week, it's Edward Gonzalez, a teacher and father of two. Now you're probably wondering how the MDM is played M2WI style
Gordon: I am. Tell me about it.
Chico: Well, as you know, the million dollar game is Supercoin. He has one minute to get the coin into the hole.
Gordon: Which means that he has to bounce it on it's side and pray it goes in.
Chico: If he fails... he leaves with nothing.
Gordon: Aw.
Chico: Edward... fails. You wouldn't believe how close he was, though. He hit the neck of the bottle at :10.
Gordon: Ooooh.
Chico: That was a "DID YOU SEE THAT?!" moment.
Gordon: There will be a lot of 'close', but it's going to be tough to win it for a million.
Chico: Oh yeah. You pretty much have to nail the secret down. And then execute it flawlessly.
Gordon: The secret it to bounce the quarter on it's side while aiming.
Chico: Now when you say the side, you mean the side, not the front, facing the target.
Gordon: right.
Chico: As in, you want to coin leaning towards you if you're throwing it from the side of the table.
Gordon: Correct. You also want to aim for the back of the jug and get it to bounce in.
Chico: Little bit of a lay-up action.
Gordon: Exactly.
Chico: And just repeat until the quarter goes in. If you're any good at it, it should take little less than a minute.
Gordon: Pretty much. I personally think it would have been more fun to have this be a $100,000 game and have it increase by $10,000 until someone wins it.
Chico: There's an idea. Progressive jackpots are key, baby.
Gordon: It's fun, it creates interest and it doesn't blow the bank. And again, I hate that it gives someone a free pass to the Million Dollar Game without going through the other challenges.
Chico: It just screws with format for the sake of... well, screwing with format.
Gordon: Exactly. No reason to do that.
Chico: If you're going to screw with format, at least have a plausible reason. Millionaire screwed the pooch within an inch of its life, but at least it had a reason. Heighten the drama, heighten the difficulty, and eliminate the Google factor. The MDM on M2WI, if I may play fast and loose with similes, it's like you skip past the foreplay, enjoy the 3 seconds of extacy, and move straight to the indifference afterwards.
Gordon: And you miss the point of doing it to begin with. Enough harping on this. Who wants some comedy?
Chico: ME! I wanna laugh!
Gordon: Whoo hoo! Now last week we had the first 5 Last Comic Standing Finalists. We have the next 5 this week.
Chico: And this'll round out the top 10.
Gordon: Big Board please?

Gordon: Topic: The next 5 comics standing They are... James Adomian.
Chico: Nice
Gordon: Tommy Johnagin, who made the semi-finals in previous series.
Chico: Right.
Gordon: Laurie Kilmartin. AlSO a semi-finalist veteran.
Chico: She sounds familiar. Not just from the semis, but from other stuff.
Gordon: IMDB her up. She's been around.
Chico: Tough Crowd with Colin Quinn, mainly
Gordon: Still a nice venue
Chico: Oh yeah. And the last two?
Gordon: Maronzio Vance
Chico: and....
Gordon: Roy Wood Jr., who's also been around the circuit.
Chico: From Bob & Tom, yeah. Comics Unleashed and Def Comedy Jam.
Gordon: And the list goes on. I think he's a favorite, along with Rachel Feinstein, Myq Kaplan and Tommy Johnagin.
Chico: They're basically going for quality. Seems like they're stacking the deck for the third go-round of this show.
Gordon: You have to stack it.
Chico: I know. I didn't say they were bad. I mean, you have to have a competition to have a competition, you know?
Gordon: Exactly. It should be good. Of course, if I'm ont of the final 10 comics, I now have to aim my material at mainstream America and 'Bubba', cause they are going to be the voters.
Chico: And you can do that. Because you're versatile. or at least play up a funny version of your life. Worked for Chris Rock.
Gordon: Sure did. It could also work for Eve. She's doing a comedy skit called 'My Life as a Furball'.
Chico: Is Cooper in it... you know, because a mole is a furball too?
Gordon: No. he's too busy drooling over Big Brother and hoping to see a relative. You know how nepotistic moles get.
Chico: Apparently I don't. Okay, let's do the news.
Gordon: Roll That Beautiful Brain Footage

(Doug: Live, local, and latebreaking... From the four corners of the globe to your frontal lobe, this is WLTI Brainvision News, and now here's Gordon Pepper, Chico Alexander, and the award-winning Brainvision News Team)

Chico: Thanks, Doug. Let's start up with the Business End...

LeGone is not the only thing leaving Cleveland, as American Idol has cancelled its concert date there, citing poor sales. And don't even think about Omaha, KC, Buffalo, and Toronto either.

Gordon: Poor Cleveland
Chico: Yes. Poor Cleveland. Very sad indeed.
Gordon: but there will be happier times later on for Cleveland.
Chico: Yes there will. Meanwhile, we're going to shine a green light...

Mark L. Walberg's "Get Up and Dance" is now "Your Chance to Dance", and it launches on CMT NEXT Friday.

Gordon: Oooh it's Dance Machine.
Chico: Basically. Only it's on cable, so it'll get a lot more mileage.
Gordon: Really? So tell me again how Master of Dance - on Cable - did again?
Chico: Master of what?
Gordon: Master of Dance. You know, the thing that people do with 2 legs.
Chico: What of Dance?
Gordon: Sigh. Let me get the Datebook.
Chico: What of what?

In this week's Datebook, we have master of old athletes, as Pros Vs. Joes shows up on the 14th.

Chico: It's going to be a long season for these off-seasoners.

We also see the Audience Participation weeks of America's Got Talent and the aforementioned Last Comic Standing. We also get the season finale of The Newlywed Game.

Gordon: Bitter Carnie who doesn't get an Emmy not included.
Chico: Oh well. At least she can say she was beaten by a cabbie.
Gordon: Better to be beaten that way than run over by one.
Chico: True. Now we can't stress this enough; do not get fully loaded while driving. Put. the phone. down.
Gordon: Agreed.

If you're anything like me, you miss "So You Think You Can Dance" so you can get an extra hour or two of sleep. Fox has fixed that by offering the show online.

Gordon: Which is good, because since it's not winning it's time slot, it needs all the exposure it can get.
Chico: It's losing to Minute to Win It. A game that is as exciting as it is mediocre.
Gordon: That's not good.
Chico: No it isn't. Unless you're a fan of Minute to Win It, then it's awesome. Me... ehh, it's alright.
Gordon: I've got dumb people. Is that alright?
Chico: Always.

Are YOU Smarter than...Annie, who did almost everything wrong this week on Big Brother.

Chico: Yes. Next question?

Are YOU Smarter than...Disney, who gets to pay up 270 million for not playing nice in the Sandbox.

Chico: YES. OH GOD YES!
Gordon: You signed a contract. Just live up to it if you're going to pay someone.
Chico: And do your math right.
Gordon: For all those people who wonder why we have these idiotically long walk-outs with the Writer's Guild, The Director's Guild and The Actors Guild when they say they don't trust the Networks...THIS is why.
Chico: The networks don't give any reason why they SHOULD be trusted.
Gordon: They give reasons why they shouldn't. And that's sad. Up for Haterade?
Chico: YES.

We start with Alex Wong, who once again gets kicked off of So You Think You Can Dance due to a severe ankle injury.

Chico: Aww... Get better, dude. :-)
Gordon: And that's about it...oh wait! We haven't had a weekly Bachelor Update!



Chico: AHHHH!

Jillian and Ed, the couple that you knew was going to go all the way...is all the way...out of the relationship. They called it quits this week.

Chico: ... but they were on Wipeout and everything!
Gordon: I know. Made you want to believe, didn't it?
Chico: *sniff
Gordon: You know when the next generation sees this 100 years from now, they will laugh. HARD,
Chico: Yep. And then they'll reanimate us. That'll be sweet.
Gordon: Then we can take a vacation. Where would we be going?
Chico: You know, I hear India's nice.
Gordon: Let's go there.

Kaun Banega Crorepati... or the Indian version of Millionaire... is going to start its fourth season with a NEW HOST! And guess what? It's the OLD HOST!

Gordon: Yay...wha?
Chico: Seriously. After one season of Shahrukh Khan, they're going back to original host Amitabh Bachchan.
Gordon: That's international Haterade there.
Chico: Moral of the story: stick with what works.
Gordon: Absolutely. Media Hoes work, don't they?
Chico: Yep. *plays "Pimpin' All Over the World"*
Gordon: But first...THIS IS FOR CLEVELAND!

Millionaire goes to Cleveland for auditions on July 14th at the Nautica Pavilion.

Chico: GOOD NEWS! Go get you some.
Gordon: We do love Cleveland.
Chico: We do
Gordon: Let's give Cleveland some hoes.,

In this week's Media Ho Report, Kimberly Locke wants a plus-sized singing group, Ben Bailey talks to NPR, Betty White has a Calendar coming out...

Chico: September. Makes a great birthday present, G.

Timothy Dean (Top Chef DC) sues National Harbor, Orson Bean does Radio Girls, Mark Wahlberg hosts your Chance to Dance... Ryan Seacrest is developing a Dance show, Crystal Bowersox gets her teeth fixed and NBC unveils a biggest loser casting tour.

Gordon: But none of them are your hoes of the week.
Chico: Who do you got?
Gordon: I got Carrie Underwood and Mike Fisher, who got married this past weekend.
Chico: Yay! Wait a second... If Carrie Underwood... married Mike Fisher... that would make her Carrie Fisher. *plays Star Wars theme*
Gordon: (Darth Vader)And those....are your hoes. And Carrie. I...am your Father. Now pay me your dowry. (/Darth Vader)
Chico: And that's Brainvision. Shut her down, Anakin.
Gordon: (Shutting Down)
Chico: Still to come, we salute the new champions of the football soccer world with our World Cup entries for Spain and Latin America, but first... 48 different people, 48 different talents... and we're going to go over all of them.
Gordon: It's our annual VERY Big Board, and that's next. You're reading WLTI. You give us 22 minutes, and we'll give you 22 things that can be worse that LeBron James. Like Toe Fungus, Gout, The Iron Maiden...

(Brainvision is powered by Silent Crybaby. As long as Chris Bosh and Lebron James shut their mouths and do what they're told, they can touch the ball for five whole minutes a game. Coming October 2010 to the American Airlines Arena. Dwayne Wade hosts.)

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