Episode 27.4 - Television Impossible
June 27

Jason: I'd watch more than the other show
Chico: Me too. Especially if paintball was involved.
Gordon: You have to learn your acrylics.
Jason: And your water based paints
Gordon: So welcome back to the show this week.
Chico: Thank you for being a part of our week and allowing our week to be a part of you.
Gordon: So far the Summer of new shows has been underwhelming.
Chico: Yup.
Jason: To say the least.
Chico: What we need is something that'll make them BETTER.
Gordon: We do - or at least something that will help their bottom line. Hence it's time for some Excessories. And we'll start with...

101 Ways to Leave a Game show

Chico: A home kit. Complete with Tower of Doom.
Jason: You can reuse the 101 ways. Not 1 way per segment.
Gordon: I say the 101 recycling bins, so they can use new things. It promotes ecology.
Chico: Green technology. :-)
Jason: Works for me.
Gordon: Me too. Next one?
Chico: Next one...

Masterchef. Because a magazine isn't enough.

Jason: A tour. Guy Fieri does it.
Chico: Gordon Ramay's too busy being on the TV for a tour. :-)
Jason: Too bad. They need to do it.
Chico: Someone needs to taunt him into it. "You going to let Curtis Stone steal your thunder?"
Gordon: I think we need to exploit new technology. The new 3-D Viral version. If Gordon gets too mad, your computer explodes.
Chico: Dude! I love my computer!
Gordon: Don't you love Gordon Ramsay?
Chico: I love my computer more than Gordon Ramsay. You see where this creates an issue?
Gordon: I do. But that's what makes it fun.
Chico: That's you.
Gordon: So it is. Next one...

Expedition: Impossible

Chico: Branded rock wall.
Jason: Branded everything.
Chico: 30 feet in the air. With the "Amazing Race" logo crossed out mysteriously.
Jason: It's an infomercial for the Ford Explorer. Go all the way
Chico: I got it. A Ford Explorer with a rock wall in the back. That's PIMPIN'.
Jason: Bingo
Gordon: An Almanac with a Ford Truck logo on the front and Phil Keoghan's face on the back.
Jason: LOL
Chico: "What's Phil Keoghan's face doing in the back?"
Gordon: Figured they would have to give royalties somewhere.
Chico: RIGHT... Next...

The Glee Project

Gordon: The Glee Project Web series! Because if they did a supplemental series, that may be the way we see their talent generate any sort of interest.
Jason: Maybe.
Chico: Another record. That always seems to do it. They brag on 4.5 million, but that's if you add all the airings together. Naughty, Oxygen.
Gordon: Next one...

The Marriage Ref

Chico: A free-standing Twitter account for people to get it all out without fear of repercussion.
Jason: Or Facebook
Gordon: The Marriage Court: A Spin off series featuring Jerry Seinfeld as judge. NBC needs programming.
Jason: There you go
Chico: Right.
Gordon: Next one?
Chico: Finally...

Wipeout. A new and improved course needs new and improved Excessories.

Jason: Wipeout Protective Gear for all activities
Gordon: The Wipeout Life Preserver. Perfect for Summer fun.
Chico: Padding.
Jason: Wipeout Cups for your "big Balls"
Gordon: That's a winner. While we get the patent for that, we don on our acting gear - next!

(Brought to you by The Singing Course. You have a great voice... you have a great talent... we have a killer obstacle course. It's good summer television)

Jason: Do you really want to hurt me....WHAM!
Chico: Baby you're a fiiiiiirework *boom*.
Gordon: And now what I think we need is some entertainment. Who's up for some theater?
Chico: Right here.
Jason: I am ready
Gordon: Chico, start it off.
Chico: Right.

Act 1: Chico and Jason are two directors debating whether or not to bring "Moment of Truth" to syndication, as rumored by a casting call. And... ACTION!

Jason: I don't think we should do this.
Chico: No, they want blood. Look at Maury. He's been doing the same show seven times for years and he gets mad ratings.
Jason: But that's baby daddy stuff.
Chico: And Moment of Truth would've had a similar run were it not for that ONE TIME!
Gordon: (Lie Detector) That answer is....TRUE
Chico: Yes they do. They want drama. They want fallout. They want issues.
Jason: People don't want to see people squirm. They want happy stories. They want happy endings. They want inspiration. They want someone to look up to.
Gordon: (Lie Detector) That answer is....FALSE (BEEP, BEEP BEEP BEEP)
Chico: There's more money and a bigger audience in vice. Talk to Jerry Springer.
Jason: So I guess the truckload of money that is backing up to J.D. Roth and Jillian Michaels house is fake?
Chico: Two words... Losing It.
Gordon: (Lie Detector) That answer is....CANCELLED...and TRUE

***CUT***

Jason: That was GOOD :)
Chico: Very good.
Gordon: I think it will get ratings - but not on FOX. It needs to go to an MTV or SPIKE network.
Jason: Yes.
Chico: Yep
Gordon: Next one...

Gordon is Gordon Ramsay. Chico is Mark Dacascos. 3 guesses where this is going.

Jason: (eats popcorn)

Aaaaannnnd...ACTION!

Chico: *flips all over the place* Chef Ramsay... Welcome to Kitchen Stadium.
Gordon: You know I don't understand why you get so much credit for your show. I bring people all over to be the MASTER CHEF, yet you get the reviews. I'm sure any of my Chefs can win in this puny Kitchen Stadium. I don't remember the last time Bobby Flay made an edible risotto.
Chico: When was the last time you made an edible steak that wasn't greasy? Or did you have your underlings do that for you? *eyebrow*
Gordon: The same time Jose Garces won a match on Iron Chef. How's that going for you?
Chico: Is that why one of mine was on BOTH of your shows a long time ago?
Gordon: Try THREE of my shows. How many do you have in the U.S.? Only 2?
Chico: ... I had a governor killed. *gives evil look*
Gordon: Well Fugu you, too.

***CUT***

Chico: Spoilers for the 10 of you who haven't seen the season finale of H5.0. :-) Next play...

Jason is Wipeout Host John Anderson. Gordon is American Ninja Warrior Host Matt Iseman. Jason, explain to Gordon how your show isn't a ripoff of his show. And..... ENTERTAIN ME.

Gordon: I want to know right now, why I shouldn't sue your ass.
Jason: Simple...our show is a test of strength and brawn with Big Balls
Gordon: We have strength and brawn also. And an obstacle course, just like you guys. And water for the failing contestants, just like you guys.
Jason: But our obstacles are FUNNY. Yours are serious. And we have hot women as a commentator
Gordon: What's serious is ripping off our idea. And Takeshi's Castle. Perhaps...you need to run through our obstacle course.
Chico: (as Ballsy) Anyone call for balls?
Jason: YES! Over here. Do you have the mega size ones we ordered?
Chico: *does a jig over to the Bridge of Blades, falls right off*
Jason: Allegedly ripped off
Gordon: Not only is you're course a rip off, I can literally rip it off (grabs a piece of course)

***CUT***

Chico: That's some nice ripping, G.
Gordon: Next one...

Chico is Adam Levine. Jason (who LOVES the female roles) is Christina Aguilera. The Scene: Your strategy on winning The Voice. And...Action!

Jason: My strategy is simple...Love everyone and let the audience decide.
Chico: Okay, this is what I gotta do. I gotta put my favorite out there, so basically put all my points with my singer. Then I take the audience out of the equation.
Jason: Why? its about the public
Chico: It's so simple, a washed up pop... prin.... cess... oh hi, Christina!
Jason: Are you calling me washed...up?
Chico: You want this to be a popularity contest or a talent show?
Jason: Both!
Chico: My guy's talented. He's got the skills. He's going to get the votes. He's going to get the win. And Gordon's going to get ANOTHER sushi dinner.
Jason: My girl is going to win. She's a rock chick who kicks ass
Chico: She might've been the best on your team, but not the best in show. Sorry.
Jason: Says you. My girl will win the audience vote. This is about THE VOICE...not the looks
Chico: Which is exactly why my guy will win. He has the Voice AND the Looks. Whereas your chick is... well... old.
Jason: My girl is the next Melissa Etheridge.
Chico: Who votes for that?
Jason: I Guess you do

***CUT***

Gordon: Cute. And Jason WILL owe me a sushi dinner. Again :)
Jason: Sure sure
Chico: Next...

Jason, Chico and Gordon are a team getting ready for the challenges on Expedition Impossible. Ready... GET HYPED!

Chico: Alright, guys, we've got a grand and glorious adventure ahead of us.
Jason: In the sand. Lots of sand.
Chico: Me, I got the physical, I've been working out, getting jack, I can handle it. Rappelling, running, water drinking. I'm ready. Gordon, you're the smart one, you can handle the mental, yeah?
Gordon: Yes I can. But Jason is a stubborn goat. He's already cramping in the heat. Why didn't you take the water, dammit?
Jason: Because it would have weighed us down.
Gordon: Yes, and now you're weighing us down.
Jason: I look good in black
Gordon: Black ABSORBS the heat.
Jason: OH.
Chico: Yeah, who DOES THAT?
Gordon: Sigh.
Chico: Jason, how are you at counting snakes?
Jason: Depends how many I see in front of me
Gordon: I'm going to go get some water while Jason counts snakes.
Chico: Okay, can you take your eyes off of a snake charmer?
Jason: *starts to get hypnotized*
Gordon: Oh great.
Jason: *starts to hiss like a snake*
Chico: I'm gonna train you here... This is a picture of a pit of snakes. This is a picture of Heidi Klum and Jill Wagner... Count the snakes.
Gordon: Is Speidi in the pic?
Chico: No. This is about the concentration. We're trying to get Jason concentrated. Not angry.
Jason: um...25?
Chico: Good!
Jason: Great!

***CUT***

Chico: Okay, one more act!
Gordon: Last one...and you know, I haven't really bothered Chico in a while....
Chico: Oh no.
Gordon: Oh yes...

Chico is Ashley Hebert. Gordon is Bentley Williams. Jason is any old bachelor he wants. And....ACTION!

Chico: Bentley! What are you doing here?
Gordon: Oh Ashley. There's so much I want to tell you
Chico: Get in here, quickly before anyone sees you!
Gordon: You sent me to Hong Kong to find you. So I found you and whathisname...well, what's your name?
Jason: Jake. I flew here also. And what are you doing with this yutz?
Chico: Yeah, we were just...talking. About... Stuff. :-)
Jason: Bull. You want HIM back?
Chico: Of course not! :-) I mean, just because he's... hot looking :-)
Gordon: Well Ashley, I just wanted to say....I want Jake. You're nice and all, but Jake is more my type.
Chico: (jaw drops while amazingly holding her smile)
Gordon: Besides, Gay Marriage is now legal in NYC, so Jake, lets get married, you and me.
Chico: But... I HAVE BOOBS! AND A FIGURE! I'm not fat anymore!
Jason: I thought you would never ask! (embraces Bentley)
Chico: They always leave me for the hot guy!
Gordon: Now Jake...are you a hot guy...with a guitar?
Jake: Why yes. Yes I am.
Gordon: I'm in love. (walks off with Bentley)
Chico: Oh wait...I have a text message! I'm going to be on Dancing with the Stars? You two can have each other. Later, losers!

***CUT***

Chico: And that's the round we were waiting TWO WEEKS for.
Gordon: I'm sure Chico loved that last segment.
Chico: You know what... I did.
Jason: Me too :)
Chico: And we hope you enjoyed it. It was worth the wait. But after the break, we speed it up a bit.
Gordon: Break comes...next!

(Brought to you by Expedition Highly Unlikely. The show for those who like high adventure on a low budget. For example, instead of an exotic desert locale like Morocco, we're going to downtown Atlanta after the Philips Arena is vacated by the former Thrashers, now officially the Winnipeg Jets.)

Jason: LOL
Chico: You ever try going through downtown Atlanta? Underground alone is crazy.
Gordon: I like the 'Survive a Vancouver Riot' challenge, myself
Jason: Damn
Gordon: Let's speed it up. Speed round starts...now!
Chico: America's Got Talent. We may have found a winner. Have we found another?
Gordon: I'm sure we will. We're not done with the audition rounds yet and they usually put the power talent at the end.
Jason: We will next week.
Gordon: Expedition Impossible: We said bye bye to the Latinas. Who are we saying bye bye to next?
Jason: The Grandpas
Chico: I'll go with the grandpas.
Gordon: I'm going to say the Mammy's family. Jeopardy - how further does Jae go?
Chico: Jay has another two games in him.
Jason: 7 or 8 total
Gordon: The Summer is known for weaker contestants. I'm going to go out on a limb and say he makes it through the week.
Jason: Could happen.
Chico: We'll see. Meanwhile, we've got no mail, no wall postings, and no one has answered our question. The question...

“

WLTI'S BIG FACEBOOK QUESTION! What's more impressive this week: The $100,000 win on Lingo or the $81,007 Season High Winner on The Price is Right?

”

Gordon: That's the question - and that ends this week's show.
Chico: Jason Block, thanks as always for hanging out.
Jason: Always fun. you know that
Chico: Next week. Jungle Love. Oh wee oh wee oh.
Jason: (does the bird)
Chico: Until then for Gordon Pepper and everyone at Game Show Newsnet, I'm Chico Alexander. Game over... and spread the love. :-)