[Juliegram: The end of last week’s show didn’t give any hint that there would be a “Special Two-Hour Finale” tonight, making me suspect that the show’s producers are just cutting their losses on this whole idea. The show listing on my TiVo says, “The final two contestants face off as they throw a lavish society party and produce a magazine cover.” Wait just a minute here! There were five (count ‘em, five) contestants left at the end of the last episode. If they were going to shorten the series run by doubling up episodes, they didn’t have to wait until the final two - this just smacks of desperation.

It’s not that the idea for the show was a bad one, but the execution was bad. If they really wanted to find out which contestant would be the best to become “America’s Next Stylemaker”, all they had to do was have each contestant perform in every competition and keep a running tally of the relative scores. The addition of a “Survivor”-style Tribal Council / Rock Garden Ceremony adds too much interpersonal politics to what was alleged to be a talent competition; these two genres don’t mix. In contrast, “American Idol”, the other talent competition “reality show” I like, works because the individual contestants don’t choose who stays and who goes. In the preliminary rounds, some semi-professional talent scouts make the decisions, and in the final rounds, the American telephoning public makes the choice, or ostensibly it does. (Speaking of which, vote for Constantine. He’s dreamy in a faux-rocker kind of way. And he’s so famous already, Keanu Reeves has made a movie about him.)

The most striking example of how this show didn’t ‘work’ came last week. Darlene deserved to win the whole competition, or at least make it to the final two. Instead, she gets booted, and one of the least talented contestants (that bitch Kimberly) got to come back for a second chance. But I’m getting ahead of myself…]

Day 25 at The Estate:
Kimberly, that bitch, thanks her lucky stars that she’s back in the game. Mitch calls it a “one in a billion, longshot chance.”

Wearing a hideous scarf apparently worn to disguise her neck wrinkles, Joan Lunden explains that the competition will change. [Not only that, but the kitchen table centerpiece changed too. Say goodbye to the lettuce and apples, and hello to a pumpkin and gourd centerpiece; obviously, the show was taped in the Fall.] It’s now everyone for themselves as they travel to New York City for a screen test at CBS studios. Each contestant will have a 5-minute screen test with Hannah Storm from the Early Show where they will demonstrate a craft of their choice. Heather reveals her tongue-stud while cheering the trip to NYC [How come we’ve never seen it before?]. The contestants will be judged on the ingenuity of their creation, and more importantly on how well they can communicate their “vision”. [I can see it now, “Hannah, the photons of light bounce off of objects, are refracted through my cornea and lens, fall onto my retina, stimulating photoreceptors, which in turn send this signal through my optic nerve to my occipital lobes, where this information is processed and sent to higher cognitive centers in my cerebrum. It’s as simple as that.”] The judges decide which two contestants will remain; three will get the boot in this show. They have 24 hours to prepare.

Amy pretends to care as Mitch explains that he has done several similar appearances on TV in Chicago. He thinks this will give him a big advantage, especially against Kimberly and Dawn. Amy hopes that she, Heather, and Mitch will get “a clean sweep”, although this seems impossible since only two can progress to the next challenge.

With 15 hours to go, the contestants are practicing their crafts. Holy Shit! That bitch Kimberly is doing ribbon flowers AGAIN!!! Mitch is stringing cranberries on floral wire to make a fancy candleholder. Amy is stuffing mens neckties to make puppet snakes. Heather is using the sewing machine to make a handbag (we’ll find out more later). Dawn is “setting a tablescape”; what skill!, what finesse!, she’s setting the fricken table…even my nine year old can set the table.

Kimberly: I can’t imagine someone not liking ribbon flowers.
Mitch: [To Heather, after Kimberly leaves the room for a moment] When we get to New York tomorrow…I might just pitch her in front of a bus. Don’t you find it kind of ironic that she went on the chopping block twice for ribbon roses, so what is she doing for her TV debut? She’s making ribbon roses. That ought to go over like a fart in church.
Kimberly: [After returning] I’ve been to the Rock Garden like ten times out of twelve? [Wrong on both counts, but we get the idea that she realizes she is a total screw-up.]

Day 26 dawns with the contestants getting picked up in a stretch limousine. Kimberly comments on the marble flooring in the limo. Mitch and Heather talk about how much they love the energy of NYC, and it is implied that Dawn has never been there before. They break open a champagne bottle and all cheer.

They all go to get a makeover. Heather tells her makeup artist that she doesn’t want her freckles covered up, and he gives her a look as if she has no idea what she’s talking about. She immediately starts complaining about her makeup being too heavy. The eye-rolling contest between Heather and her makeup artist continues – both are obviously unhappy. Amy asks for an Audrey Hepburn up-do, and Dawn just seems too happy to be alive. Heather finally walks away from the makeup room, enters a restroom to wash it all off, and does her own makeup from her own supplies. She says that the stage makeup she got made her “feel like a drag queen”.

The audience is then treated to a mini-makeover “Before & After” slideshow of all 5 contestants.
Amy: Audrey Hepburn-like up-do with a Cindy Crawford mole
Mitch: Slight hair-trim, otherwise identical
Kimberly : Farrah Fawcett hair, but no red swimsuit or serape in the background
Dawn: Looks like Monica Lewinsky on one of her good days
Heather: Little Orphan Annie all grown-up. Actually, the curls and makeup look good, but she spoils the effect by saying that she wants to win this task “110%”.

They arrive at the studio and begin final preparations. [ My husband, the idiot, said that Amy’s tie doesn’t go with her green shirt and pink sweater combo. My older daughter pointed out that she was doing a project with neckties, so it fit with her theme.] Dawn says that all the lights, cameras, and people on stage can be overwhelming, so she opted just not to look at them anymore. [Excellent work, Dawn. Denial isn’t just a river in Egypt, is it?] Hannah Storm tells them all “the best thing is just to be yourself” and then asks if there are any questions. Mitch, the sly dog, responds by saying Dawn wants to know where Hannah got her sweater, because Dawn is wearing the exact same outfit (a short-sleeved lavender top with black slacks). Hannah is overjoyed and gives Dawn a high five. Then she says, “This is what happens on TV.” [No it isn’t! They would never allow a guest on the Early Show to wear the same thing as one of the hosts.]

Dawn is first up. She says, “I don’t really feel like I’m going to pass out or throw up, so I’m OK.” Dawn starts her tablescape by putting the taller items in the rear, then the wine tumblers [Yep, tumblers instead of elegant glasses] on a contrasting mat with a bottle of Robert Mondavi red, and finally a faux wooden purse to hold the napkins. Candace thought Dawn looked great, David wanted her hair pulled back more. Candace says that Dawn needs to work on her voice [which is high-pitched and giggly], and Dawn says she will work on it [Too late now, Dawn]. Bobby wanted her ending to be better. Overall, Dawn said she felt comfortable, probably because of her teaching experience.

Mitch is next. As he leaves the Green Room, someone says, “Good Luck. Knock ‘em dead. Break a thumb.” Mitch brushes off the pressure saying that he’s prepared 20 years for this moment. Mitch strings the cranberries onto the wire with Hannah, cores an apple, inserts a candle, and sticks the cranberry wires into the apple making it look like a bow made out of berries. David liked the elegance and simplicity of the project, but thought Mitch used a monotone voice. Mitch stupidly tries to defend his monotone. Candace opened her mouth and sound came out, but it was really just a waste of precious oxygen for her to do so. Bobby wanted more enthusiasm and also essentially admitted that he didn’t pay much attention. In a voiceover, Mitch says, “He’s a judge, so he doesn’t have an option of whether to watch or not to watch.”

Amy pipes up with, “I’ve just forgot everything I was going to say. Awesome!” Hannah says that the snake from a necktie should win an award for original idea. They try to stuff a tie with beans, using a funnel made from a piece of paper, and many of the beans go flying out onto the table; then we see all three judges making marks on their pads – this can’t be good. Then Amy talked about putting a piece of red felt for the mouth and glue on eyes. David liked Amy’s energy. Bobby says, “The craft has to work for it to be believable.” Candace thinks a kids’ project doesn’t have the ‘weight’ she wanted. [Perhaps Candace could have identified more with Amy if she had made a storage container for condoms.]

Kimberly also wins an award – for triteness. She says that she “has to hit one out of the ballpark.” [Funny, because this was part of Bobby’s first criticism of her crappy apple pie in the first episode, and it has been overused throughout the whole show.] Kimberly demonstrates yet again how to make ribbon flowers, and she even has what appears to be some of her rejected items from previous challenges with her. She says it takes 20 seconds to make her flowers, which seems a blatant lie since it took her much longer than that on every previous task. You take wire ribbon and tie a knot in one end. Then the “magic” happens when you pull on one of the wires, causing the ribbon to bunch up along one side to form a ruffled edge. Then you wrap it in a spiral, to make a brooch [or a hat, or a pterodactyl], or put it on a handbag. Hannah thanks the “flower lady from Hot-lanta” – a more crowd-pleasing moniker than “that bitch”. Candace, easily bamboozled yet again, thought that she could make a flower ribbon after seeing this demonstration. Bobby noticed that Kimberly was ‘branded’ as the ribbon flower lady in just 5 minutes. David liked her looks and attitude. There were no negative comments. She returns to the Green Room and crows about her outstanding performance, as Mitch closes his eyes, and Amy checks her fingernails, trying not to show any emotional response.

Heather is next, demonstrating how to turn an old skirt into a crafty handbag. Basically, you cut a skirt short and sew the bottom closed. The remaining piece is sewn into the strap and attached to the base piece. There’s several steps, but it looks fairly simple. Hannah liked the frou-frou handbag Heather had made as an example, with lots of fluffy white feathers. Bobby liked that Heather had a prepared specimen, to create a good ending to the segment. Candace said that the craft itself dominated the presentation, preventing Heather’s personality from showing to the best effect. David hated Heather’s fashion style, with one bare shoulder, a bra-strap revealed, and wearing a “wife-beater” T-shirt under her sweater. Bobby also wondered why she didn’t have a sewing machine with her, since this was the most important piece of equipment to make the handbag. Candace and Hannah join in to bash Heather about not having two sewing machines out there [even though it never would’ve worked in a 5-minute long segment].

Mitch predicts that the last two contestants standing will be him and Amy. He and that bitch Kimberly spar about who has been up for eviction multiple times (her) and who hasn’t ever been up (him). That bitch Kimberly pulls out the big guns and paraphrases Nietzsche, saying “If it doesn’t kill ya, makes ya stronger.” Kimberly thinks Amy is the strongest remaining opponent. Amy thinks she’ll be in the top two.

After the commercial break, the show returns with a helicopter shot of the Statue of Liberty that looks almost identical to the opening of the syndicated “Who Wants To Be A Millionaire”. Mitch and Amy play the “I’m going home” game to ward off evil spirits. Meanwhile, the judges deliberate. They all agree that Kimberly’s presentation was the best. Candace didn’t like Heather or Amy. David wants to consider Amy again; Candace thought her presentation and her craft was juvenile, while Bobby [dredging up that trite metaphor yet again] wanted her to “knock it out of the park”, but the bean incident blew it. Bobby thinks it is between Mitch and Dawn for the second spot. Bobby thinks that Dawn has “finesse”, but Candace counters that finesse is not enough to win this game. Bobby adds that “Mitch booked [?] his way through stuff too.” [I am sure he said “bullshitted”, but they overdubbed it for the home audience of impressionable, virginal homemakers-to-be who would be crushed to learn that their heartthrob Bobby Flay would curse.] Bobby loves Dawn’s smile, but Candace wonders what Dawn actually did during the whole competition.

The judges tell that bitch Kimberly that she is going on with the competition. Candace says that “when the chips were down, this person managed to reach inside and put out.” [Sounds like strip poker to me.] Then they sequentially boot Heather, Amy, and Dawn. Candace says that Amy “flew under the radar”, which she immediately admits to doing and thinks that it is a strength [Get real!].

Heather tells the camera she has no regrets. Dawn says she had a great time. Amy now vehemently denies that she flew under the radar, calling it “absolute crap”. That bitch Kimberly sums up her position saying, “Mitch thinks that I am just a dumb, blonde housewife from Atlanta, with nothing better to do, and that I don’t deserve this contest.” [Well, you know, you just summarized the opinion at my house very well too.] Mitch remains proud that he’s never been on the chopping block, and that he sent that bitch Kimberly home before.

Now we get the “Scenes from Next Week” montage, a commercial break, and the next hour starts with a drawn-out recap of the entire season, thereby proving that the producers had never intended to have a ‘Special Two-Hour Finale”.

[For the remainder of this recap, I will dismiss with calling Kimberly “that bitch” every time I mention her, simply to avoid inducing carpal tunnel syndrome. Please mentally insert “that bitch” every time you see her name.]

The next task opens with Mitch and Kimberly in an empty loft in NYC. The roughly square room is split into two adjacent triangles by a thick white line on the floor. Joan Lunden comes in wearing yet another hideous brown and pink frock that accentuates the size of her hips. [Sorry dear, but your days of sexual allure have faded and are becoming a dim memory. But your face is still nice; let’s focus on that instead.] The task is to throw a “Coming Out” party for themselves in the loft. [Ummm. I think Mitch has already “come out” of the closet, if that is what you meant.] They will throw side-by-side parties with the assistance of Tentation Special Events Catering to design their themes and create their menus. During the party, each contestant will unveil and introduce a cover for their new [and imaginary] lifestyle magazine. They get a session with a photographer and graphic designer to help make their magazine covers. They have 2 days to prepare and each gets a budget of $20,000. On their way out of the room we hear them in voiceovers. Mitch talks about wanting to win, and specifically wanting to beat Kimberly. Kimberly says, “This is so much about who people are going to relate to, and a lot of the time I think Mitch is just a jackass and I pity him. But, you know, he puts together SWELL flower arrangements.”

Day 28 starts with a NYC establishing shot. Kimberly is wearing the same sweater and scarf combo as in the previous scene. Kimberly explains her vision to the party-planner, something like, “I want the guests to feel arms grabbing them” [sounds kinky]. They decide to spend less on food, to better create a warm inviting environment. Kimberly then wants, “sophisticated and elegant, but tangible” [Huh?]. Mitch tells his planner that the whole party needs to center around the unveiling of the magazine cover. He wants the colors to be tomato red and tangerine orange. He revels in the party planning phase because it’s the same kind of thing he has done in his career his whole life. His décor total comes to $6300. Kimberly meantime is speaking in generalities about wanting “rustic French, or rustic Tuscan. Elegant, but not so elegant that it’s stuffy.” Her color scheme will be chocolate brown, burnt orange, and other ‘harvesty’ colors. Her décor total is $8600.

Mitch wears a red shirt to his photo shoot, to match his party color theme. He is very particular with the graphic designers, who he gets to PhotoShop pieces of three pictures together to form the perfect pose. His magazine title will be “Directions for Living” and will have a “map” logo (more about this later). At Kimberly’s photo shoot she brags about how she always thought she would have her own magazine. She holds a bouquet of dried flowers [gosh, I hope they aren’t ribbon flowers] and imagines a backdrop of a French chateau. [The transition music after this scene sounds remarkably like the theme song to “I Dream of Jeannie”] Kimberly then goes to the graphic designer to make her cover. She wants a logo with her initials, KK for Kimberly Kennedy [Too bad her middle name doesn’t start with a K also. Now that would go over like a fart in church.] Her magazine title will be the very unimaginative “Lifestyle”. When the designer starts using Photoshop, Kimberly makes sure that he erases as many of her wrinkles as he can.

That evening, the party planners scope out the party loft. Mitch’s planners note that they can see the Empire State Building from his side of the room, which is lit up in red which will match his color scheme. He points out that Kimberly chose the other side of the room that overlooks the water rather than the cityscape, which he thinks is stupid because the water will just be dark at night. Kimberly muses that she’s been the underdog so far, but that she has “a couple of things up my sleeve that might push me over the edge.” [Is she talking about some pills of Ecstasy or methamphetamine she has hidden in her shirt?]

Just before 7:00 am on Day 29 they go to the flower market. Kimberly is really depending on her party planner to help out, since Mitch is much more experienced with flowers than she. Kimberly constantly talks about hydrangeas, and then goes for pomegranates and artichokes. Mitch says that he’s picked out flowers hundreds of times, “This is not my first time at the rodeo.” When he hears how much the hydrangeas are, he flips out and changes tack. During an argument with his team, Mitch calls one of them “Girlfriend, you are a typical girl shopper. I’m going to have to cut you off!” To which she responds with a salute and “Aye aye!” Mitch spends $2350 on flowers; Kimberly spends $3400.

With 8 hours to go, Mitch visits the caterer. He asks them, “When you do parties, what is the one item people ask for over and over?” The chef and assistant both respond, “The raclette. The cheese puff. It’s a cheese puff with truffle oil and shaved parmesan.” Mitch wants people to eat the food, because if it’s all gone that is a mark of a good party. He spends $8550 on the caterer. Kimberly’s chef talks about macaroni and cheese squares to fit her idea of ‘warm and inviting’ food. She is shown many choices, but has a very hard time making up her mind. Her chef even suggests the raclette cheese puff as one of their most popular hors d’ouvres, but Kimberly says, “That’s not really me.” Kimberly’s menu costs $4900.

They next choose specialty drinks for the party. Kimberly’s party planner appears to open a binder to a random page and points out a drink that they’ve never actually served at a party before, made from champagne, almond syrup, and a cinnamon stick. Kimberly loves it because it seems “warm and toasty”, so they spend $2900 on the bar bill. Mitch describes a drink made from strained tomato juice (which he calls a very unappetizing ‘tomato water’) that he will serve to fit his color scheme, and spends $2500 on the bar.

They start setting up the furniture in the loft. Kimberly thinks her faux-fur lined benches will be very warm and appealing, especially to one judge in particular [must be Candace, who sports faux-fur like its going out of fashion…Wait! It is out of fashion]. Mitch’s planner is concerned about the budget. It seems Mitch has asked for specialty garments for his servers, to accentuate his color scheme again. He wants them wearing hot pink, red , or orange, which will match his own red shirt and red tie.

With only a few hours to go, Mitch looks at the camera and says, “We’re in the final stretch…It’s overwhelming [choking back some tears] and I’m so excited. And just going into this I’m so confident, I’ve paid the price, I’ve paid my dues, I’ve done the preparation, and this is payday for me.” Then a screaming guitar riff blares out, Mitch rips open his shirt to reveal a sequined jumpsuit, grabs a microphone and belts out:

I’ve paid my dues -
Time after time -
I’ve done my sentence
But committed no crime -
And bad mistakes
I’ve made a few
I’ve had my share of sand kicked in my face -
But I’ve come through

I am the champion - my friends
And I’ll keep on fighting - till the end –
I am the champion -
I am the champion
No time for losers
’cause I am the champion - of the world -

Kimberly says, “I can’t come up with all the experience and know-how and savvy that Mitch does have. But my resting thought is that I think I am a better person. I think I am a more genuine person.” [But, of course, the ironic thing is that we hear these words as we see her getting plastered with makeup.]

Kimberly’s side of the party ultimately cost $19,800. It features a floral tree centerpiece (about 8 feet high), chocolate brown fur covered benches, and elaborate hydrangea flower arrangements. Mitch’s side cost $19,700. It features bright red, orange, and pink colors, a semi-circular bar, white birch branch arrangements astride a small speaking platform, and pink carnation ball flower arrangement centerpieces. There are also many pink and red arrows painted on the floor (more about this later). Kimberly’s side is certainly more warm and inviting, while Mitch’s side is more modern, chic, and fun.

Mitch gives his servers a pep talk. They are all wearing bright red shirts, and they seem excited. Kimberly tells her servers, in traditional black, that they will enjoy themselves [Well, I guess it beats being unemployed…but not by much].

Both Mitch and Kimberly enter the room just before any guests arrive. Mitch is admiring Kimberly’s side of the room, and a slight glimmer of doubt enters his face. Then he recovers by saying, “I’m going to show people a great time. I’m going to show them something they have never seen before. And Kimberly is still an imitator.” Then he completely misuses a metaphor and says, “We’re just two different peas in two different pods.” [Ouch! Hey Mitch, even peas from different pods look very similar.]

The guests start to arrive. [Who the hell are these people? Did they just come in from off the street? Were they invited? Do they work for CBS? How many of them are there? Did the party planners know who would be coming? These and many other questions are never explained.] Mitch greets the guests and hands out some hot pink flyers describing the evening’s event and the items being served on his side. We finally learn that Mitch’s signature drink is a Clear Tomato Martini with Wasabi Cream Cheese Olives. Kimberly spouts some inanities to her guests about “warmth” and all that crap.

Joan and the judges arrive. Joan is wearing a gown apparently made from burnt waffles. She points out to the guests, if they were too dense to notice already, that each contestant has crafted their side of the party “in their own image”. Mitch starts clapping and exhorts the crowd with, “Let’s party, people!”

David, also delighting in the obvious, says, “This is the red room, that is the brown room.” Mitch tells some guests, “This is the funnest night of my life.” Bobby, who appears enamored of Kimberly’s generic blonde, 7 on a scale of 1 to 10 good looks, asks her if she’s ready for everything that will come if she wins. Mitch passes out some of the cheese puffs personally, as they are in short supply. Kimberly explains why she picked the side overlooking the water (she likes to sail) to a guest who still seems convinced it was a stupid idea. Bobby tells David that the Almond Champagne cocktails are “on point” for the season [once again proving this show was shot in the Fall]. David likes Kimberly’s styling, but also says that it is “safe”. Candace says, “Kimberly’s food is awful. Everything I eat I want to spit out.” [Forever answering the question, does Candace swallow or spit.] Mitch now explains that his initials are “MAP” and he is using a map theme with the arrows on the floor pointing the way to go. David and Candace complain to Mitch that they haven’t gotten any food, and Mitch says that his servers get swamped as soon as they leave the kitchen area, so he goes to prepare some special plates for them. The judges, however, are not impressed with the Tomato Martinis, since they are more of a Summer drink. They do really enjoy the food items on Mitch’s side. Candace says, “Mitch’s food was spectacular!”

Joan introduces Mitch, and it’s his turn to address the crowd. “This is the night of a lifetime for me. My life has been about this business since I was twelve years old. I was fortunate enough to have a mom and dad who said, ‘Go follow your heart. Do whatever you want.’ My dad is a high-school basketball coach, and it’s difficult for a basketball coach to say to his son to go do flowers and sew and make things pretty.” He points out that his initials are “MAP” and the arrow/direction theme he used on the floor and the serving trays. Thus, his magazine is called “map – Directions for living” and he reveals his magazine cover to scattered cheers and applause. The judges liked his cover, even though the initial thing was maybe a little over the top.

Kimberly then tells everyone she is a homemaker from Atlanta. She says there is a void in society in appreciation for the domestic arts. “I really want to inject a sense of style and elegance, but simplistically [because difficult things hurt my brain].” Mitch’s speech was much more polished and professional. She reveals her magazine cover, and David just drools over how good she looks on it. Mitch says he wasn’t surprised at her cover; it said how to throw a provincial dinner party, that he thinks should say “How to throw a pretentious dinner party”. Joan says the judges’ results will be revealed in the final Rock Garden Ceremony tomorrow.

Day 30 at The Estate:
The losers parade in to get a seat. Tom points out that Mitch and Kimberly have totally different styles. Darlene thinks that Kimberly is more attractive and will have a better rapport with the audience. Margo thinks that Mitch has much more skill and ability.

Candace asks Mitch to talk about his party. He says he wanted it to be passionate and allow him to explain himself. Kimberly again talks about “warmth” as what she was going for. Bobby wants to know why Kimberly’s magazine cover had a “stately” background, which seems inconsistent with her constantly harping on “warmth”. David thought Mitch’s “directions and map” theme was too busy on the magazine. Mitch allows that it might be too busy for a permanent cover, but for the premier issue he wanted to get the whole story of himself out there. Candace asks Kimberly if she tasted her food beforehand, and she admits that she didn’t but she is still pleased with the results. Bobby says that the Tomato Martini wasn’t seasonal, but Mitch wasn’t concerned as much about the seasonality. Bobby then asks Kimberly about her specialty drink. Kimberly says, “Champagne is my signature drink…and I thought something a little nutty, a little spicy would be good not only for time of year that we are in but also seasonal for the color palette I chose.” [Now wait a freaking minute here! If champagne is your signature drink, why did you mess up by serving it at the wrong temperature earlier in this competition? And you did not pick this drink, so much as your party planner assistant picked it almost randomly from a book. You, Kimberly, are a liar and a phony.] Candace closes by saying, “You showed us two very different styles and different personas [sic].” [Holy moley, Candace. The word is ‘personae’, you idiot.]

Now we have to hear the contestants blather one last time before the decision. Kimberly wants to bring the domestic arts back to the people in an unpretentious way that will inspire them to try it. Mitch, at the very last moment, blows it by saying, “God gave me a very special gift….It’s time for me to share that gift with people. I think that to whom much is given, much is expected….That is a big, big step to better the world.” [Holy shit! You just messed up big time, buddy. Would’ve been better to simply say, “Please vote for me,” than this self-pretentious garbage.] In the peanut gallery, Amy and Mychael smile at each other. Do they know something we don’t?

While the judges deliberate, we hear more from the losers. Denise thinks Mitch should definitely win, even though he can be very temperamental; “Hands down, he is the most creative person here.” Dawn is rooting for Kimberly, but thinks both are qualified and talented. David liked Mitch’s answers to their questions. Bobby is disturbed that Kimberly didn’t taste the food she served beforehand. Candace thought Kimberly’s party came off very well. Bobby thought Mitch’s party felt like “A Valentine’s Day party on steroids.” David, though, thought it was cool and innovative. Candace didn’t feel Mitch’s “atmosphere”, but David did. Bobby thought Mitch’s magazine was a better concept and David agrees. Candace liked Kimberly’s more appealing. So it’s clear that Candace is voting for Kimberly and David is voting for Mitch; Bobby says he was looking for something to push him either way, but he still isn’t sure.

Back to the Rock Garden, where Joan Lunden has borrowed Johnny Depp’s costume from the upcoming Willy Wonka movie. Joan goes over the top prize again: a book deal with Atria books, a division of Simon & Schuster, six appearances on the The Early Show at CBS, a deal with King World to develop their own TV show [Yeah right! They’ll try to develop it, but it will never be broadcast, mark my words], and a new surprise. They will also get a brand-new SUV, a 2005 GMC Yukon Denali.

Candace votes first, for the person who she thinks knows their audience best: Kimberly. Cut to Mitch looking a bit nervous. David then votes for the person whose “ideas sang to me the loudest”: Mitch. Bobby has the deciding vote. He wrote down some words he thought would be synonymous with the winner: potential, smart, marketable, comfortable: [dramatic pause - He thinks, but doesn’t say, “I have a hard-on for…”] Kimberly. She and Mitch give each other a courtesy hug while Darlene gets in her last patented over-the-top reaction shot.

Mitch then says in voiceover, “Coming in second is not losing.” [Yes it is! Can’t you see you are rationalizing?!] Kimberly adds, “I realize I’m not going to be a homemaker anymore, and that’s quite alright. Because in the past few years I’ve actually thought of a few ideas for cookbooks and books.” [So have I, Kimberly, but there’s a big difference between some random thoughts and a marketable product. I’m not making any room in my cabinets for her books.]

Interestingly, there is no indication given at the end of the show when Kimberly will appear on The Early Show. Hey producers! This is the time to advertise your new golden girl. If you don’t do it now, nobody will ever notice.

Now I feel justified in mocking the judges this entire time. I suspect that the judges, all being Early Show regulars, didn’t want to pick someone who was very good, so that their jobs wouldn’t be at risk. By the second or third week of this show, it was clear that Darlene and Mitch were the two contestants best suited for winning. I predict we will never see a second run-through of this show again. The official website has not been updated with any new recipes or instructions relating to the final two episodes; otherwise I would have put a link to the Tomato Martini here.