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12 Martha Stewart wannabes from the corners of the country try to outstyle each other. The prize - a contract from CBS, guaranteed television appearances and the chance at stardom.

Recaps by Julie Suchard, GSNN


FACT FILE:

Host:
Joan Lunden
Judges: Candace Bushnell, David Evangelista, Bobby Flay
Creator: Larry Bleidner, Eric Schotz, Bill Paolantonio, Irene Zutell
EP: Eric Schotz, Bill Paolantonio,
Packager: LMNO Productions
Airs: Saturdays at 8:00pm ET on CBS


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Web design by Jason Elliott. Logo by Chico Alexander. 

"Lots of Perfection" - February 26

Day 19 at The Estate:
An overly dramatic opening features raindrops falling into puddles, as if God is crying about Denise being voted off. It’s OK, God; it’ll be fine.

That bitch, Kimberly, muses to the camera about the Rock Garden ceremony last night where Dawn amazingly decided to vote off Denise rather than her. That bitch, Kimberly, says, “At one time or another eleven out of twelve of us will at least be on that particular situation. And hopefully, you know, I won’t be there again tomorrow,” showing both a striking lack of eloquence as well as a misunderstanding of the mathematics involved [it is not necessary that eleven people will be on the chopping block].

The teams gather in the kitchen to hear about their next task. I was struck by the unusual green ‘apple & lettuce’ basket display, when Joan Lunden, looking every one of her 54 years, entered the room and said we need to even up the teams again. The Crafty Beavers have 4 members (Mitch, the probably gay florist; Darlene, the overly-perky sewing machine fanatic; Amy, the yet to distinguish herself art teacher; and Heather, the kerchief-wearing fashion designer, who opted today for a fisherman’s cap instead), while Team Artisan is down to 2 (Dawn, the only member of the “I Love That Bitch, Kimberly, Fan Club”; and that bitch, Kimberly).

In another inexplicable Falcon Twist, the producers decided that the Beaver who did the best at the last individual competition (wrapping a gift without wrapping paper) would switch teams. [What kind of reward is that? This is just random and stupid.] The judges liked Mitch’s tuxedo shirt, bowtie, and cummerbund creation, so he gets to become the newest member of the loser team. Mitch doesn’t look too happy; that bitch, Kimberly, doesn’t look too happy; and Dawn looks like she’s having an ice-cream headache upon hearing the news. Mitch’s comment: “I get to join the Artisans. That doesn’t really seem like a big prize for winning anything to me.” As he hugs his ex-teammates and walks across the room, we hear his voice-over dissing Dawn and that bitch, Kimberly, as “copiers, not creators”. Amy thinks that it might be good to have Mitch gone, since he always had his hands in the Beavers’ things.

The new team challenge is to create an Estate Sale. They have to go to nearby antique stores where they will purchase and then refurbish four items. They need two pieces of furniture, one of which must be from the 19th century. They also need to decoupage a wooden item, and the fourth item can be anything. They must register their four required items after shopping, but before the items are delivered to the estate where they must create a themed design environment to display their wares in an Antique Pavillion [which looks like some rented circus tents]. Each team has a $1000 budget, and they may purchase additional antiques if their four items cost less than this amount. Teams will be judged on creativity, their ability to spot a bargain, their skill in increasing the value of the items they purchased, and penis length [I think Mitch has this last one wrapped up]. The individual projects will be to create a crap [err…craft] item from scratch that best represents the creator’s talents. [Kinda vague if you ask me.] They have 30 hours to complete these projects, and the time starts…NOW!

Mitch tries to convince Heather and Darlene that he is still a Crafty Beaver at heart. Darlene responds to the camera that anyone who states they will act one way but really feel another can’t be trusted [making her the most perceptive person on the show, not even barring the judges, host, or producers]. Mitch drives Team Artisan to get some antiques and tells Dawn and that bitch, Kimberly, that he is a team player [Yes, but which team?], and they pretend to agree with him.

Darlene finds a brown, virgin wool coat from the 1930s for $60 and does her typical, over-the-top, Darlene-thing about it. Amy finds a wooden toolbox to decoupage for $32. Heather explains that they are also getting some magazines from the 1950s to find pictures for the toolbox decoupage. They dicker with the store owner about a late 1800s dresser. The ticket price is $385, but they get the lecher to lower his price to $290 by smiling at him and hugging him. [Interestingly, the hug-whores didn’t offer anything better to sweeten the deal, but they did show what they would be willing to do to save $5.] On their way to another antique shop, they argue about a theme, since their pieces are all from different decades; they ultimately decide to go with a “Mid-Century” look. At the next shop, Darlene again goes nuts over a moldy bamboo and rattan chaise lounge left out in the rain for $20. Amy is doubtful about the project, but Darlene assumes responsibility for fixing it up and making a cushion for it. Overall, the Crafty Beavers spent $402 on their 4 pieces.

Team Artisan picks out a child’s wicker rocking chair for $30. They also get an ugly 1950s bookcase for $145. Mitch reminds the others about some expensive chenille fabric he has, and that bitch, Kimberly, finds the perfect 19th century chair to reupholster with it for $50. A rusty wrought-iron table base costs them $30. Mitch and That Bitch start arguing about materials to use for the decoupage; That Bitch wants some floral print, while Mitch thinks that is “So done, to me. Those calendar flowers have been done so much.” To the camera, Mitch complains that Kimberly [that bitch] is the last of the contestants left without any discernible talent, but he gives in. Dawn finds an end table that they all agree would work with the calendar flower decoupage. Total cost = $235.

Before the items are delivered to the estate, they are appraised by two experienced antiques auctioneers. [Finally, the producers did something right, by getting some outside expert opinion, rather than relying on the celebrity judges, who at times can’t even dress themselves appropriately, for everything.] They like the Beavers’ dresser and toolbox, think that the chaise has potential, but that the coat was overpriced. They think the Artisans’ bookcase was also overpriced, but that the chair and the child’s rocker were good buys and the rusty table base could be fixed up nicely.

Dawn then has a flashback scene [too much LSD, apparently] from the previous night, where Mitch tried to convince her to dump that bitch, Kimberly, instead of Denise. Dawn vocalizes that the Beavers 1) did not respect that bitch Kimberly’s abilities, and 2) pretty much equated her and Kimberly, that bitch, leading inevitably to the realization that 3) they didn’t much care for her (Dawn) either. Mitch desperately tried to back-pedal and assure Dawn that she was safe, but it didn’t work, much to his consternation. And since he was made to switch teams the next day, this makes him the obvious elimination target if Team Artisan loses. Kimberly, that bitch, muses for the camera about how she appreciates Mitch’s humor and abilities, but she doesn’t trust him.

Dawn and Mitch try to get their priorities straight by counting on their fingers…but it doesn’t work. They know they are doing the bookcase, the chair, and the wicker rocker, but they can’t remember if the 4th required project they registered was the black endtable or the metal table base. Mitch says they should do the black endtable because it will be more impressive, and Dawn goes along for the ride. [Cue the ominous music.] Mitch says that their theme is a “Country estate sale on the East Coast” [which is both too vague and too self-evident].

The Beavers talk about their “Mid-Century” theme, and how they have to [Triteness Alert] “knock one out of the park”. Darlene wants to make poodle skirts for the team, and gets all excited again. Amy wonders if the skirts will date their entry too specifically, since the coat is not from the 1950s. Darlene backs off a bit, not wanting to make waves, but they still discuss how they will style their hair for a mid-century theme.

Kimberly [that bitch] spends an inordinate amount of time cutting out her floral print for decoupage onto the black endtable. [Wait a minute! Is the black endtable their 4th project or not? Hmmm. Could be a waste of time.]

Darlene re-lines the wool coat with fabric from a tablecloth, while Heather decoupages the toolbox with racy female underwear advertisements [racy for the 1950s, that is]. Amy comments, “I love that it’s a toolbox with nudie women on it. I just think it’s so cute.” Darlene then works on the bamboo and rattan chaise. She makes a cloth-covered cushion for it, and then scrubs it clean. She is worried that it won’t dry in time, and that the paint will bubble, chip, or peel.

Mitch states that the cloth to reupholster the 19th century chair costs $180/yard. [Ouch!] When he’s done, though, it looks very elegant. That bitch Kimberly take a very long time to decoupage the floral print to the endtable, and it also ends up looking pretty good. Mitch then repaints the bookcase with aqua and white stripes, which is then decoupaged with tissue paper butterflies. Mitch then complains to the camera about how slow his teammates are, and that if they worked for his business he would’ve fired them by now.

Around 5:00 am, Dawn works on making her individual project – a boxed stationery set. That bitch Kimberly makes a silk pillow that is supposed to have three hand-made poppies from ribbon. [She is a one-note wonder, as her ribbon flowers appeared in the previous individual projects also.] Out of nowhere, Dawn then starts responding to auditory hallucinations. Kimberly [that bitch] is concerned that the judges won’t know that she made the flowers by hand, but will think that she simply bought them. [So do something different already!] Oh, and her final project only has one flower anyway.

Mitch puts together a plant stand, and is sure to finish it even at the risk of leaving other items incomplete. He wants to be sure that if his team goes to the Rock Garden, he is seated instead of standing [i.e., his project was best, so he’ll be choosing who to dump, rather than be dumped himself].

Darlene sews a jewelry roll-up as her individual project. Darlene wonders aloud if she can survive a Rock Garden ceremony since Amy and Heather are pretty close, to which Kimberly, that bitch, adds “I hate to tell you this, but I don’t think that there is anything you can do.” She continues, saying “There is nothing Mitch could do that would make me keep him. I don’t care if he was Brad Pitt; I wouldn’t be keeping him.” [Aha! So it was that bitch Kimberly who broke up Brad and Jen!] Heather makes a baby nursery diorama out of balsa wood. Amy makes a truly lame bracelet out of buttons that looks like a 2nd-grader school project.

Mitch gripes about how Kimberly [that bitch] keeps remarking on her ribbon flowers, how the judges won’t know that they were hand-made, etc., etc. He mocks her: “You know, they didn’t ‘get’ my roses the first time, so I’ll do them again. Why don’t you just serve them an apple pie again, since that was such a big hit the first week of the show.” [This is one of the best lines from this show so far, barring Denise’s remark to Mitch to stop being such a pansy.]

With four hours to go, both teams are confident. Mitch claims that “If we win the competition, it’s because I steamrolled and got it done. And for those girls [Dawn and Kimberly {that bitch}] to think that they could possibly have a national TV show and keep up with that pace…there is no way…they are whistling Dixie out their wazoo.”

Fifteen minutes before the judging it was discovered that Team Artisan violated the rules. They had listed the wrought-iron table base as one of their 4 required projects, but had replaced it with the decoupaged endtable. So they had to replace the project Kimberly [that bitch] had worked on for hours with a completely unfinished and uncleaned rusty piece of junk. While carrying back the wrought iron, Mitch states, “If we lose this competition, it will be absolutely none of my fault whatsoever.” [That’s funny, Mitch. Because it was you who suggested working on the black endtable instead of the wrought iron last night.] But Mitch has a plan. As he returns, he tells his teammates, “If they ask about this, don’t say a word. I’ll take care of it. I’ve got it all fixed.”

The celebrity judges arrive and start with the Crafty Beavers. They seemed most impressed with the wool coat and its original buttons. Heather remarks to the camera that it was nice not having Mitch around, so everyone could get a word in edgewise. At the Artisan display, true to form, Mitch jumps in and tries to do all the talking to the judges. Candace seems to love the refurbished bookcase with butterflies. When asked about the rusty metal table base, Mitch says, “The reason we bought that piece was for perceived value….We decided it was a better profit to sell it as-is. And it has such a great patina on it.” [Mitch, on iron it’s called rust, not patina.] When David questioned if the unrefurbished table was not a “time thing”, Mitch continued his bold-faced lie and stated it was an intentional choice.

Before the results are given, the expert appraisers come in to give their report. The Beavers’ dresser went from $290 to $350, the toolbox from $32 to $60, the coat from $60 to $120, and the chaise from $20 to $275 (vindicating Darlene’s decision, and resulting in her patented reaction shot). The Artisans’ wicker rocker went from $30 to $50, the chair from $40 to $95, the bookcase from $145 to $195, and the iron table stayed at $30 in value.

The judges appreciated that the Crafty Beavers had a coherent theme. Candace wondered whether the Beavers knew anything about estate sales, because they didn’t seem too knowledgeable, and Amy stated that she used to be an antiques dealer. [Oh really? Then why didn’t it show?] All the judges really liked the Artisan’s handiwork. David asked if the Artisans had a theme, and that bitch Kimberly said something totally lame that amounted to, ‘You’re right, David. We didn’t have one.’ Candace told Mitch that she thought he made the right decision with the wrought iron table, but it maybe could have used a glass top. Mitch kept the bullshit flowing, saying that they wanted to preserve any finish work for the potential buyer.

When the judges start to deliberate, Bobby says, “I’ve decided on one thing that’s really important here. Mitch is a good talker. He talks his way out of every single thing.” Candace, however, shows how dense she is by saying that he really knows his stuff and she would be more likely to buy something from him. [She is apparently easily bamboozled.] They make it clear that Bobby likes Beaver, while Candace likes Artisan, and it is suggested that David will be the deciding vote. [I am pretty sure that David doesn’t like Beaver.]

In fact, that is exactly how it played out when the teams returned to hear the verdict. Bobby said he voted for Beaver. Candace said she disagreed [Cue Darlene reaction shot with disturbingly discordant piano in background] and was wowed by Mitch. David started talking about theme, and the Artisan faces started getting longer and longer as it became clear that they had lost…again. The judges liked all of the individual projects, but chose the stationery set and the pillow as the two worst. […and there was great rejoicing in my house at this announcement. Mitch is an arrogant ass, but at least he is still the most talented on that team.] Mitch said that he tried not to look at the Beavers when this announcement was made, so that they couldn’t see any smirk on his face.

At the Rock Garden, that bitch Kimberly tries to convince Mitch that she does have some undefined “skill set” that has yet to be demonstrated. Dawn just tried to suck up [Hey! Maybe that is Kimberly’s {that bitch’s} skill]. Before revealing his vote, Mitch lies again about how much he respects the two girls. He says that for the remaining competition, they have to “raise the bar” and Kimberly [that bitch] has got to go home now. Before leaving, Kimberly [that loser bitch] predicts that Dawn will be “eaten alive” by a few of the other remaining players.

Here’s a link to Kimberly’s [that bitch’s] Poppy Ribbon Flowers, if you dare.

Next Week:
In a wicked twist, the entire cast returns [Like the Outcast tribe from Survivor: Pearl Islands]
The task appears to be something with construction involved, maybe the are building an asylum for people who are stuck watching this show week after week.
Mitch makes a visit to the Emergency Room with a thumb injury. Maybe his ego was bruised as well?
Darlene says, “One of the Crafty Beavers is writing checks her talent can’t cash.”
 

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