"Lots of
Perfection" - February 26
Day 19 at The Estate:
An overly dramatic opening features raindrops falling
into puddles, as if God is crying about Denise being
voted off. Its OK, God; itll be fine.
That bitch, Kimberly, muses to the camera about the Rock
Garden ceremony last night where Dawn amazingly decided
to vote off Denise rather than her. That bitch,
Kimberly, says, At one time or another eleven out of
twelve of us will at least be on that particular
situation. And hopefully, you know, I wont be there
again tomorrow, showing both a striking lack of
eloquence as well as a misunderstanding of the
mathematics involved [it is not necessary that eleven
people will be on the chopping block].
The teams gather in the kitchen to hear about their next
task. I was struck by the unusual green apple &
lettuce basket display, when Joan Lunden, looking every
one of her 54 years, entered the room and said we need
to even up the teams again. The Crafty Beavers have 4
members (Mitch, the probably gay florist; Darlene, the
overly-perky sewing machine fanatic; Amy, the yet to
distinguish herself art teacher; and Heather, the
kerchief-wearing fashion designer, who opted today for a
fishermans cap instead), while Team Artisan is down to
2 (Dawn, the only member of the I Love That Bitch,
Kimberly, Fan Club; and that bitch, Kimberly).
In another inexplicable Falcon Twist, the producers
decided that the Beaver who did the best at the last
individual competition (wrapping a gift without wrapping
paper) would switch teams. [What kind of reward is that?
This is just random and stupid.] The judges liked
Mitchs tuxedo shirt, bowtie, and cummerbund creation,
so he gets to become the newest member of the loser
team. Mitch doesnt look too happy; that bitch,
Kimberly, doesnt look too happy; and Dawn looks like
shes having an ice-cream headache upon hearing the
news. Mitchs comment: I get to join the Artisans. That
doesnt really seem like a big prize for winning
anything to me. As he hugs his ex-teammates and walks
across the room, we hear his voice-over dissing Dawn and
that bitch, Kimberly, as copiers, not creators. Amy
thinks that it might be good to have Mitch gone, since
he always had his hands in the Beavers things.
The new team challenge is to create an Estate Sale. They
have to go to nearby antique stores where they will
purchase and then refurbish four items. They need two
pieces of furniture, one of which must be from the 19th
century. They also need to decoupage a wooden item, and
the fourth item can be anything. They must register
their four required items after shopping, but before the
items are delivered to the estate where they must create
a themed design environment to display their wares in an
Antique Pavillion [which looks like some rented circus
tents]. Each team has a $1000 budget, and they may
purchase additional antiques if their four items cost
less than this amount. Teams will be judged on
creativity, their ability to spot a bargain, their skill
in increasing the value of the items they purchased, and
penis length [I think Mitch has this last one wrapped
up]. The individual projects will be to create a crap
[err
craft] item from scratch that best represents the
creators talents. [Kinda vague if you ask me.] They
have 30 hours to complete these projects, and the time
starts
NOW!
Mitch tries to convince Heather and Darlene that he is
still a Crafty Beaver at heart. Darlene responds to the
camera that anyone who states they will act one way but
really feel another cant be trusted [making her the
most perceptive person on the show, not even barring the
judges, host, or producers]. Mitch drives Team Artisan
to get some antiques and tells Dawn and that bitch,
Kimberly, that he is a team player [Yes, but which
team?], and they pretend to agree with him.
Darlene finds a brown, virgin wool coat from the 1930s
for $60 and does her typical, over-the-top,
Darlene-thing about it. Amy finds a wooden toolbox to
decoupage for $32. Heather explains that they are also
getting some magazines from the 1950s to find pictures
for the toolbox decoupage. They dicker with the store
owner about a late 1800s dresser. The ticket price is
$385, but they get the lecher to lower his price to $290
by smiling at him and hugging him. [Interestingly, the
hug-whores didnt offer anything better to sweeten the
deal, but they did show what they would be willing to do
to save $5.] On their way to another antique shop, they
argue about a theme, since their pieces are all from
different decades; they ultimately decide to go with a
Mid-Century look. At the next shop, Darlene again goes
nuts over a moldy bamboo and rattan chaise lounge left
out in the rain for $20. Amy is doubtful about the
project, but Darlene assumes responsibility for fixing
it up and making a cushion for it. Overall, the Crafty
Beavers spent $402 on their 4 pieces.
Team Artisan picks out a childs wicker rocking chair
for $30. They also get an ugly 1950s bookcase for $145.
Mitch reminds the others about some expensive chenille
fabric he has, and that bitch, Kimberly, finds the
perfect 19th century chair to reupholster with it for
$50. A rusty wrought-iron table base costs them $30.
Mitch and That Bitch start arguing about materials to
use for the decoupage; That Bitch wants some floral
print, while Mitch thinks that is So done, to me. Those
calendar flowers have been done so much. To the camera,
Mitch complains that Kimberly [that bitch] is the last
of the contestants left without any discernible talent,
but he gives in. Dawn finds an end table that they all
agree would work with the calendar flower decoupage.
Total cost = $235.
Before the items are delivered to the estate, they are
appraised by two experienced antiques auctioneers.
[Finally, the producers did something right, by getting
some outside expert opinion, rather than relying on the
celebrity judges, who at times cant even dress
themselves appropriately, for everything.] They like the
Beavers dresser and toolbox, think that the chaise has
potential, but that the coat was overpriced. They think
the Artisans bookcase was also overpriced, but that the
chair and the childs rocker were good buys and the
rusty table base could be fixed up nicely.
Dawn then has a flashback scene [too much LSD,
apparently] from the previous night, where Mitch tried
to convince her to dump that bitch, Kimberly, instead of
Denise. Dawn vocalizes that the Beavers 1) did not
respect that bitch Kimberlys abilities, and 2) pretty
much equated her and Kimberly, that bitch, leading
inevitably to the realization that 3) they didnt much
care for her (Dawn) either. Mitch desperately tried to
back-pedal and assure Dawn that she was safe, but it
didnt work, much to his consternation. And since he was
made to switch teams the next day, this makes him the
obvious elimination target if Team Artisan loses.
Kimberly, that bitch, muses for the camera about how she
appreciates Mitchs humor and abilities, but she doesnt
trust him.
Dawn and Mitch try to get their priorities straight by
counting on their fingers
but it doesnt work. They know
they are doing the bookcase, the chair, and the wicker
rocker, but they cant remember if the 4th required
project they registered was the black endtable or the
metal table base. Mitch says they should do the black
endtable because it will be more impressive, and Dawn
goes along for the ride. [Cue the ominous music.] Mitch
says that their theme is a Country estate sale on the
East Coast [which is both too vague and too
self-evident].
The Beavers talk about their Mid-Century theme, and
how they have to [Triteness Alert] knock one out of the
park. Darlene wants to make poodle skirts for the team,
and gets all excited again. Amy wonders if the skirts
will date their entry too specifically, since the coat
is not from the 1950s. Darlene backs off a bit, not
wanting to make waves, but they still discuss how they
will style their hair for a mid-century theme.
Kimberly [that bitch] spends an inordinate amount of
time cutting out her floral print for decoupage onto the
black endtable. [Wait a minute! Is the black endtable
their 4th project or not? Hmmm. Could be a waste of
time.]
Darlene re-lines the wool coat with fabric from a
tablecloth, while Heather decoupages the toolbox with
racy female underwear advertisements [racy for the
1950s, that is]. Amy comments, I love that its a
toolbox with nudie women on it. I just think its so
cute. Darlene then works on the bamboo and rattan
chaise. She makes a cloth-covered cushion for it, and
then scrubs it clean. She is worried that it wont dry
in time, and that the paint will bubble, chip, or peel.
Mitch states that the cloth to reupholster the 19th
century chair costs $180/yard. [Ouch!] When hes done,
though, it looks very elegant. That bitch Kimberly take
a very long time to decoupage the floral print to the
endtable, and it also ends up looking pretty good. Mitch
then repaints the bookcase with aqua and white stripes,
which is then decoupaged with tissue paper butterflies.
Mitch then complains to the camera about how slow his
teammates are, and that if they worked for his business
he wouldve fired them by now.
Around 5:00 am, Dawn works on making her individual
project a boxed stationery set. That bitch Kimberly
makes a silk pillow that is supposed to have three
hand-made poppies from ribbon. [She is a one-note
wonder, as her ribbon flowers appeared in the previous
individual projects also.] Out of nowhere, Dawn then
starts responding to auditory hallucinations. Kimberly
[that bitch] is concerned that the judges wont know
that she made the flowers by hand, but will think that
she simply bought them. [So do something different
already!] Oh, and her final project only has one flower
anyway.
Mitch puts together a plant stand, and is sure to finish
it even at the risk of leaving other items incomplete.
He wants to be sure that if his team goes to the Rock
Garden, he is seated instead of standing [i.e., his
project was best, so hell be choosing who to dump,
rather than be dumped himself].
Darlene sews a jewelry roll-up as her individual
project. Darlene wonders aloud if she can survive a Rock
Garden ceremony since Amy and Heather are pretty close,
to which Kimberly, that bitch, adds I hate to tell you
this, but I dont think that there is anything you can
do. She continues, saying There is nothing Mitch could
do that would make me keep him. I dont care if he was
Brad Pitt; I wouldnt be keeping him. [Aha! So it was
that bitch Kimberly who broke up Brad and Jen!] Heather
makes a baby nursery diorama out of balsa wood. Amy
makes a truly lame bracelet out of buttons that looks
like a 2nd-grader school project.
Mitch gripes about how Kimberly [that bitch] keeps
remarking on her ribbon flowers, how the judges wont
know that they were hand-made, etc., etc. He mocks her:
You know, they didnt get my roses the first time, so
Ill do them again. Why dont you just serve them an
apple pie again, since that was such a big hit the first
week of the show. [This is one of the best lines from
this show so far, barring Denises remark to Mitch to
stop being such a pansy.]
With four hours to go, both teams are confident. Mitch
claims that If we win the competition, its because I
steamrolled and got it done. And for those girls [Dawn
and Kimberly {that bitch}] to think that they could
possibly have a national TV show and keep up with that
pace
there is no way
they are whistling Dixie out their
wazoo.
Fifteen minutes before the judging it was discovered
that Team Artisan violated the rules. They had listed
the wrought-iron table base as one of their 4 required
projects, but had replaced it with the decoupaged
endtable. So they had to replace the project Kimberly
[that bitch] had worked on for hours with a completely
unfinished and uncleaned rusty piece of junk. While
carrying back the wrought iron, Mitch states, If we
lose this competition, it will be absolutely none of my
fault whatsoever. [Thats funny, Mitch. Because it was
you who suggested working on the black endtable instead
of the wrought iron last night.] But Mitch has a plan.
As he returns, he tells his teammates, If they ask
about this, dont say a word. Ill take care of it. Ive
got it all fixed.
The celebrity judges arrive and start with the Crafty
Beavers. They seemed most impressed with the wool coat
and its original buttons. Heather remarks to the camera
that it was nice not having Mitch around, so everyone
could get a word in edgewise. At the Artisan display,
true to form, Mitch jumps in and tries to do all the
talking to the judges. Candace seems to love the
refurbished bookcase with butterflies. When asked about
the rusty metal table base, Mitch says, The reason we
bought that piece was for perceived value
.We decided it
was a better profit to sell it as-is. And it has such a
great patina on it. [Mitch, on iron its called rust,
not patina.] When David questioned if the unrefurbished
table was not a time thing, Mitch continued his
bold-faced lie and stated it was an intentional choice.
Before the results are given, the expert appraisers come
in to give their report. The Beavers dresser went from
$290 to $350, the toolbox from $32 to $60, the coat from
$60 to $120, and the chaise from $20 to $275
(vindicating Darlenes decision, and resulting in her
patented reaction shot). The Artisans wicker rocker
went from $30 to $50, the chair from $40 to $95, the
bookcase from $145 to $195, and the iron table stayed at
$30 in value.
The judges appreciated that the Crafty Beavers had a
coherent theme. Candace wondered whether the Beavers
knew anything about estate sales, because they didnt
seem too knowledgeable, and Amy stated that she used to
be an antiques dealer. [Oh really? Then why didnt it
show?] All the judges really liked the Artisans
handiwork. David asked if the Artisans had a theme, and
that bitch Kimberly said something totally lame that
amounted to, Youre right, David. We didnt have one.
Candace told Mitch that she thought he made the right
decision with the wrought iron table, but it maybe could
have used a glass top. Mitch kept the bullshit flowing,
saying that they wanted to preserve any finish work for
the potential buyer.
When the judges start to deliberate, Bobby says, Ive
decided on one thing thats really important here. Mitch
is a good talker. He talks his way out of every single
thing. Candace, however, shows how dense she is by
saying that he really knows his stuff and she would be
more likely to buy something from him. [She is
apparently easily bamboozled.] They make it clear that
Bobby likes Beaver, while Candace likes Artisan, and it
is suggested that David will be the deciding vote. [I am
pretty sure that David doesnt like Beaver.]
In fact, that is exactly how it played out when the
teams returned to hear the verdict. Bobby said he voted
for Beaver. Candace said she disagreed [Cue Darlene
reaction shot with disturbingly discordant piano in
background] and was wowed by Mitch. David started
talking about theme, and the Artisan faces started
getting longer and longer as it became clear that they
had lost
again. The judges liked all of the individual
projects, but chose the stationery set and the pillow as
the two worst. [
and there was great rejoicing in my
house at this announcement. Mitch is an arrogant ass,
but at least he is still the most talented on that
team.] Mitch said that he tried not to look at the
Beavers when this announcement was made, so that they
couldnt see any smirk on his face.
At the Rock Garden, that bitch Kimberly tries to
convince Mitch that she does have some undefined skill
set that has yet to be demonstrated. Dawn just tried to
suck up [Hey! Maybe that is Kimberlys {that bitchs}
skill]. Before revealing his vote, Mitch lies again
about how much he respects the two girls. He says that
for the remaining competition, they have to raise the
bar and Kimberly [that bitch] has got to go home now.
Before leaving, Kimberly [that loser bitch] predicts
that Dawn will be eaten alive by a few of the other
remaining players.
Heres a link to Kimberlys [that bitchs] Poppy
Ribbon Flowers, if you dare.
Next Week:
In a wicked twist, the entire cast returns [Like the
Outcast tribe from Survivor: Pearl Islands]
The task appears to be something with construction
involved, maybe the are building an asylum for people
who are stuck watching this show week after week.
Mitch makes a visit to the Emergency Room with a thumb
injury. Maybe his ego was bruised as well?
Darlene says, One of the Crafty Beavers is writing
checks her talent cant cash.
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