- December 4
Gordon: This is Gordon Pepper, and we
are here to celebrate a very sad occasion
Travis: *boo hoo hoo*
Joe: What's sad about it?
Gordon: This may be the last time that we ever see Bai Ling sing.
Travis: I'm so looking forward to that
Gordon: Welcome to the LAST (thank goodness) episode of BUT! CAN! THEY! SING! We
have our own cast of characters here. Starting with our own Power Ranger wanna
be, and quick cameo artist, Mr. Joe Van Ginkel. Are you ready to possibly see a
Power Ranger win this?
Joe: Not really. The one I want isn't in this. :D
Gordon: Are you ready to see her in Magma on the Sci-Fi Channel in January?
Joe: Sure. :D
Gordon: And that is the quotient of Joe Van GInkel for the evening.
Gordon: As the show has their own import in Bai Ling, we have our own import -
from Canada, Mr. Don Harpwood.
Don: I see that Jason isn't in here yet. Did he finally mention GSNN on the
Gordon: No he did not. He will be here momentarily.
Don: Ah. Okay.
Gordon: Any opening thoughts?
Don: They're still planning on singing Bohemian Rhapsody, aren't they?
Gordon: Yes, they are still going to wreck Bohemian Rhapsody. In the spirit of
Constantine Maroulis and Carmine Gotti, our next person is as Italian as we have
here - Mr. Travis Schario!
Travis: That's a-spicy meat-a-ball!!
Gordon: Carmine has to be considered the favorite. Will he win it all?
Travis: Morgan all the way, so to speak
Gordon: And FInally, the man who is still going to do penance for NOT mentioning
us on WPLJ yet, Mr. Jason Block.
Jason: I am taping the movie about John Paul II. I think I may be forgiven for
these last 5 weeks
Gordon: You're Jewish, Jay
Jason: True. But anything will help :)
Gordon: So is there anyone who doesn't think that Morgan will win this?
Don: Morgan all the way.
Gordon: Just for the record, I'm going to say that Carmine wins this.
Jason: Nope. Carmine and Michael are the eye candy and being used like the meat
that they are...and Morgan wins.
Travis: Let's Go, Mor-gan, let's go *clap clap*
Gordon: This has a very eerie resemblance to American Idol 4, where nothing
could derail the Carrie Express, lyrics be damned. This could be the exact same
Jason: Yes, but Carrie's talented. Carmine has the talent of a slug.
Gordon: I would be safe to say that I wouldn't be buying any of these albums in
the near (or even far) future. Best of Bai Ling, anyone?
Jason: Ugh. I just ate.
Travis: I was gonna have Chinese leftovers...not now...
Gordon: Any shot of a But Can They Sing 2?
Don: No, no, no. Please, no.
Jason: Not with the bad and declining ratings.
Gordon: What would be worse - this or Skating With Celebrities?
Travis: SKATING!! Yick.
Gordon: Jason - I think you know what show you will be recapping next should you
not mention us on WPLJ, don't you? =)
Jason: You can't force me to do anything.
Gordon: I can always have Bai Ling send you all of her CD's from China. BWA HA
Jason: Bite me.
Gordon: As we close in to 10 minutes and counting to the show, do you have the
feeling that we'll be seeing them all in a reprise?
Travis: why wouldn't we? that's how all classy shows should end. Wait wait...did
i say classy? Never mind
Gordon: So while we look for the next stage of classy, we start the LAST Episode
of the season (and hopefully forever) of BUT! CAN! THEY! SING!
Don: 1 hour away from the end...
Gordon: We are promised the biggest Musical Malfunction since Janet Jackson's
Nipple with Bohemian Rhapsody
Jason: I was at that game. And even though Janet's Jackson are pretty big. I
didn't see them from my nose bleed section.
Gordon: AND we get an encore from Bai Ling! Whoo-hoo! We get a flashback of what
we've had to endure for the past 6 weeks.
Travis: Awesome...a walk down Faded Memory Lane
Gordon: At least the announcer has acknowledged that these singers have
something to be desired.
Don: Now what?
Gordon: Ahmet welcomes us - and apparently the drug-induced audience is now
joining Ahmet on stage.
Jason: oh boy.
Gordon: We got 2 million votes...during the course of the series. In contrast,
American Idol usually has 10 times as much PER EPISODE. We first get a
sing-a-long like NO OTHER, as wee get a Bohemian Rhapsody!
Jason: Someone please spike my diet Pepsi with rum.
Gordon: Michael Copon. Gets the words right? Check. Mangles the melody line?
Gordon: Morgan is next, and she's not that bad. Next, we hear the 5 members of
the eliminated celebrities, which happen to be the choir - and what a nice tone
deaf chorus they are.
Travis: Aww...Bai Ling in a full length robe...I'm sad.
Gordon: So is Larry Holmes with his solo note.
Gordon: If you are paying attention, there are only 8 people singing.
Apparently, Joey Pantaliano has decided not to join the singing ensemble. We
have a cardboard cutout of him standing next to the chorus in it's place. Why
Joey possibly not show up?
Jason: He realized what a clusterbomb this show was.
Gordon: And we end this with Ahmet banging a gong.
Jason: Please tell me that he's turned into Jaye P. Morgan and the gong
symbolizes that they should all get off the stage.
Gordon: Sadly, no. ANT - 'I don't know what the band Queen would have thought,
but this Queen frigging loved it'
Travis: Oh, ANT.
Gordon: Meanwhile, Ahmet has a lock of Carmine's hair, which he wants to sell to
the highest bidder. So what did you all think of their version of Bohemian
Don: I didn't hear it, of course. (I didn't see any previews for this episode on
vh1.com earlier today.)
Travis: It was OK. I'm not too hip on Carmine's performance.
Gordon: How ironic would it be if the person who won was the person who did most
of his performances rapping, and not singing?
Travis: Ironic, perhaps. Sad, definitely
Gordon: It's time for the last solo performances of the finalists. We start with
Morgan Fairchild, which if you remember, was the first performer on the first
episode. After getting the obligatory clip show from what Morgan has done in the
show, and a guarantee that she sings better than bad karaoke (sure she does) we
get Morgan performing Pat Benetar's Heartbreaker.
Travis: I love Morgan Fairchild. There, I said it.
Gordon: I'll say this - she sounds much better now than what she did 6 weeks
ago. She actually sounded good. What's she doing here?
Travis: Don't know
Gordon: Ahmet calls Morgan a rock star. ANT - 'You are my milf! I want you!'
Travis: I'm with ANT on this one.
Gordon: Now can either Copon or Gotti-Agnello be just as improved?
Travis: I strongly doubt it.
Jason: I agree...they aren't' that good.
Don: I'm also doubting it.
Travis: Not to mention, Carmine likes to rap. There's not much you can do to
IMPROVE your rap style.
Gordon: Sure you can - you can actually rap in rhythm. We go back to the world's
biggest musical celebrity train wreck, and Ahmet reminds us all that the votes
from last week determine the grand winner. We next get to hear (and cringe) with
Michael 'Power Ranger' Copon.
Gordon: Michael says that he wonders if this is actually a popularity contest.
No - you think?
Travis: That deserves a "nnDURR"
Gordon: He's doing this for the Shaken Baby Alliance and for his adopted
brother, who was shaken when we was a kid and has brain damage.
Travis: He's grooving with the backup singers
Gordon: He gets to sing some J.C. Chasez. The J C stands for Jagged Chords,
because he's certainly singing it like that. Ugh.
Travis: "Blowing Me Up With Her Love"...there are just TOO MANY connotations to
Gordon: He's certainly blowing up the melody line beyond recognition.
Gordon: ANT - 'I got a couple of things that I want to tell you, so come to my
room in that Power Ranger's Suit.' Michael declines the offer.
Travis: ANT needs ... um ... something ... not sure what at this point
Gordon: Ahmet says that he will put on the suit instead. Too. Much. Information.
Gordon: The last singer is Carmine Gotti Agnello. Screeeeeeeeeeeeech!
Travis: I thought saving the BEST for last was the way to go.
Gordon: In these talent shows, they usually put the winner on last.
Travis: No no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no
no no no no no no NO!!
Gordon: And it looks like Carmine is going to try to not embarrass himself by
doing some rap - specifically, Kanye West's Gold Digger
Don: Isn't a talent show supposed to show more talent than this show has?
Travis: SUPPOSED to.
Gordon: I'm still waiting for Carmine to get a rap lyric correct,
rhythmically. I may be waiting until the WInter Olympics.
Travis: The WInter Olympics in 2022, yes.
Gordon: But Carmine takes off his leather jacket, and all is forgiven to the
screaming crowd, and of course...ANT - 'Rap is your niche and...who the f#ck
cares? These girls love you.'
Jason: I think we stopped caring about their musical talent weeks ago.
Gordon: Check out David Ruprecht in the Go Phone Commercial, BTW
Travis: No way...which row?
Gordon: Blue - third - on the right, glasses and salt and pepepr hair. Check him
out the next time the ad airs.
Travis: Can do. Third, right, glasses.
Gordon: We are here for the best part of the show. Can you guess what it is?
Don: The end? Or close to it?
Gordon: Not yet. It's BAI LING TIME!
Travis: Hi Bai.
Gordon: But FIRST, we get final words from the judges. Rachel Riggs
congratulates Michael for getting this far. Jackie Simley-Stevens congratulates
Carmine for accepting his challenge, and Tony Stewart thinks that Morgan did a
great job of getting out of her comfort zone.
Group, in Unison: AwwwBarf.
Gordon: Ahmet is about to announce the person that came in third place. The
audience is screaming for Carmine. Uhhh...this is the person that you DON'T want
to see leaving.
Travis: Actually, if they are like me, they would be screaming out Carmine's
name right about now.
Gordon: In third place is....Morgan Fairchild?
Travis: NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO!!!!!
Don: Wow. I'm speechless.
Jason: NO NO NO NO
Gordon: Your winner is either a Gotti or a Power Ranger.
Jason: Dammit. The people suck. America, you suck.
Travis: Well, since Morgan is out, so am I.
Gordon: And Travis has left the building
Gordon: We're going to find out which of our musical miscreants has actually won
this thing. But first - with 'I touch Myself' - BAI LING!!!!
Don: What is she wearing this time?
Gordon: She is wearing blonde curls, in a pink robe, rolling around. There goes
the robe, and we get a nice skimpy gold bikini.
Jason: Now we just have to wait for her to touch herself.
Gordon: She gets down on her knees and spreads her legs just as open as the
parting of the Dead Sea. And yes, she touches herself.
Gordon: ANT runs over with his jacket and covers her, claiming that this is a
family show. As they stand up to leave, ANT takes the jacket off Bai (leaving
her in the skimpy bikini) and looks for a stripper's pole.
Gordon: As we go to break, You now have one last chance - who wins? Michael or
Jason: Carmine. The people suck.
Don: Sounds like it'll be Carmine now...
Gordon: I'll stick with my original guess of Carmine.
Don: Oh, and if he does win, I'm taking off my shirt and throwing it across the
Gordon: Almost of the other performers have taken off their shirts during the
progress of the show, why not the recappers? Anyways, Ahmet is back, and he
gives us the rigamarole before we get to the final results. Ahmet says that
whoever gets the most votes will be the first ever champion (and probably last
ever champion) of But Can They Sing
Gordon: And the Winner is....MICHAEL COPON!!!!!
Jason: Thank goodness...sort of.
Gordon: So Michael wins, the Shaken Baby Foundation gets $50,000, everyone
guessed wrong, the balloons come down and we get a final singing performance
from Michael Copon. And in the spirit of the show, we get Carmine Gotti Agnello
to come on down and sing too. Carmine stops singing and just lets the women
Jason: This sucks.
Gordon: Bai Ling signs balloons. Michael stops singing and all we hear is the
chorus line for the next minute and a half. Now Michael and Carmine are signing
balloons and lingerie as the backup band sing 'But Can They Sing'.: Meanwhile,
there's been another Joey Pants sighting - the Cardboard cut out of him, that is
- as Ahmet swings him back and forth
Gordon: the credits come up and VH1 mercifully cuts them off to promote the Big
in '05 Awards. Fade to Black. End of Series.
Jason: It's over! Yay!
Gordon: Now, as you know, I like to end my season recaps with a take and a
grade, but since you all shared this odyssey with me, you all get to have a take
and a grade - starting with Mr. Block.
Jason: Ok. I had high hope for this series. But with the dishonest judging, the
lack of talent and the stupid voters getting rid of the old people first while
basically letting hotties with nipples continue irked me. At least with
Superstar USA, we were in on the joke. Grade: D-
Gordon: Thank you Jason. Mr. Harpwood?
Don: Okay. Based solely on what I saw on vh1.com, as well as what I've read in
these roundtables, I didn't really expect much. So I wasn't as disappointed as I
could have been. Sure, there were a few performances that weren't too bad (I
emphasize the word FEW), but talent shows should really have much more talent
than what this had. And with the judges praising bad performances in the
beginning, I'd think it would seem hard to believe them later on. Still, I'm
going to be generous, since like I said, I didn't expect much in the first
place. I give it a D.
Gordon: Thank you Don. Here's My Take: If NBC (the same NBC that desperately
needs programming) turned this down, then you know there was trouble brewing.
Frankly, there was. The sad part is that it could have worked if 1. You had
people who COULD sing, 2. If you had people who DID take it seriously and 3. If
the judges ACTUALLY judged. Unfortunately, you had none of those things happen
and the only memories are ones that we would rather forget. Bai Ling screwing a
stool and ANT turning into a transvestite are 2 things that I will be
remembering for a long time - mainly because I don't drink hard liquor. Only
Ahmet Zappa and the train wreck (and sole entertainment value of this show)
known as Bai Ling stop me from failing it outright, but this easily gets a nod
for a worst show of the season nomination from me. This gets a D-, and I am
truly, truly, truly being kind. Any final thoughts?
Jason: Nope. You analyzed it quite well.
Don: Thank God it's over.
Gordon: That sums it up fairly accurately, Don. For Jason (who will be placed on
furlough), Don, Travis, Joe, Chico, Rachel and Anthony, this is Gordon Pepper,
saying spread the love, and PLEASE don't spread the sequel to this mess.
Jason: Thank you Warden Pepper. I have served.
Gordon: You are all free to go - and That's a wrap.