Another Duets Show
- November 27
Gordon: We welcome all of you to another
stunning edition of Can They Bai
Ling! Or is it But Can They Sing? Who cares? This is your warden Gordon Pepper,
and the prisoners are ready for their entertainment version of grub.
Jason: (bangs on the bars) Nobody knows the trouble I've seen....Nobody
knows my sorrow...
Gordon: We start with the man who STILL won't mention us on WPLJ, the one and
only Mr. Jason 'Beat The' Block.
Jason: Attica! Attica! Attica!
Gordon: Now Jason, let me ask you a serious question.
Gordon: How many weeks are you now on a win streak on WPLJ?
Jason: I believe it is 5 in a row.
Gordon: And I believe that this is the 5th episode of BUT! CAN! THEY! SING!
Jason: So you theory is...?
Gordon: So the only reason why you are on this win streak is that you are
watching the show!
Jason: It makes perfectly logical sense to me.
Gordon: This show if the Trivia Karma for your bones, sir.
Jason: I think it's the punishment for me losing three in a row,
Gordon: And you are atoning quite nicely
Jason: Thank you...I think.
Gordon: Now the second prisoner is from Canada, and he can't watch the show
up there, but we torment him anyway. I introduce Mr. Don 'The Donut' Harpwood!
Don: Thank you.
Gordon: Now Don, I believe that you have a confession to make.
Don: Yes I do. I finally saw clips from the show, thanks to vh1.com.
Jason: And what did you think?
Don: I don't quite know what to say.
Gordon: Say what comes to your mind
Don: Okay. Well, I now know what it's like to have my ears broken.
Gordon: Was it an enjoyable experience?
Don: Not for the most part. But I do see why Gordon likes Bai Ling so
Gordon: Isn't she the bestest?
Joe: Gordon...you need help. :-D
Jason: This is teh suck in a big way
Gordon: Joining us in our amazing interpretation of the values of But Can
They Sing for his usual 2 minute cameo is Mr. Joe Van Ginkel. So Joe, what do
think about the show?
Joe: One word....BLEEEEEEECH.
Gordon: Hey Joe - A power Ranger is still in the competition, You have to be
happy about that, right?
Jason: It's a MALE power ranger :)
Gordon: Still a Power Ranger.
Gordon: So who do you think is leaving tonight?
Don: Either Carmine or Morgan. Not sure which, though.
Jason: I would change my vote to Morgan...she was the worst.
Gordon: We all said last week that Morgan was leaving. Are you changing your
Gordon: As we start the show, we get a series of Flashbacks, and an
incredible graceful exit from Antonio Sabato Jr., who says, and I quote, 'This
Bull(bleep)...I'm a winner however you look at it.' As we start the show, we
welcome Travis Schario to the house of torment.
Travis: I thank you. Now, where are the shackles?
Gordon: They're being taken off Bai Ling right about now
Gordon: Ahmet warns us that we're going to live through another hour of this.
Ahmet tells us that none of these celebrities are singing professionals. No,
Travis: Wait...not singing professionals? I've been DECEIVED!!
Gordon: He also says that next week is the Grand Finale!
Jason: And a roar of joy is heard from the crowd.
Gordon: Ahmet says that since the previous duets were like adding rainbows
and unicorns into your ice cream, they're doing it AGAIN!
Travis: I want rainbows and unicorns.
Gordon: We start with Bai Ling and Carmine Gotti Agnello.
Travis: They've created a "Musical Frankenstein"...and the bolts are in Bai's
Gordon: Bai wants to be extreme. Carmine says that no good is going to come
from this. How perceptive of you, Carmine.
Joe: Run for your lives!
Jason: The song, by the way, is I want to rock and roll all night...by Kiss.
Gordon: Fortunately, they haven't put on the volume on Bai's microphone, so we
can't really hear her too good. Unfortunately, they put Carmine's microphone on
extra loud, so we can hear him just fine.
Travis: Oh, Bai and Carmine...mangling a KISS classic.
Jason: And Gene Simmons is there.
Don: Oh dear...
Jason: He must be laughing his ass off...on the inside.
Gordon: Oh look - Carmine and Bai are both taking off their clothes. It's a
Travis: Strip off...isn't that redundant?
Gordon: ANT - 'I was at a Kiss Concert and Gene Simmone spat blood all over my
face and that was less traumatic than what I just went through.'
Gordon: So Carmine and Bai want to Rock and Roll all night. What did that music
clip want to make you do, Jason?
Jason: Get stoned enough so that I don?t remember it.
Gordon: Next - Morgan Fairchild and Michael Copon start on opposite sides of the
stage when they sing their duet of 'Walking on Sunshine' by Katrina and the
Waves. Then when they come together, their pitch gets sort of better.
Jason: They are on key...sort of
Travis: Yes...the key of Blecch.
Gordon: Of course, Morgan has yet to get one lyric correct on the song.
Travis: But their showmanship was good.
Gordon: ANT says that Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore have to look out. Look out
for what, exactly?
Gordon: So what's worse to listen to - a duet that will be prancing around the
right notes, but not singing them, or a duet that you know won't come anywhere
near the right notes?
Travis: The latter.
Gordon: We find out that all 4 celebrities left will sing tonight.
Don: Erm, really? All 4?
Gordon: Yep. Unfortunately, one of them will be leaving at the end of the show -
or fortunately, depending on how you look at it. Ahmet is back - and I'm sure
that he was wishing he was back on Star
Search right about now.
Jason: Bai Ling is first up tonight.
Gordon: Ahmet reminds them that one of them will be leaving - but he wants to
see extreme, and nothing says extreme like BAI LING!
Jason: She is singing Volare.
Travis: Oh no. Bai Ling is not allowed to sing "Volare". I won't allow it.
Gordon: Travis, I don't think Bai Ling will be singing Volare. I don't know
exactly what she will be doing to the song, but I am pretty confident that she
will not be singing it.
Travis: Well, still...she's not allowed.
Gordon: She says that she feels like a rock star. She is practicing Volare - and
it sounds like we're in for another dynamic 'I can't understand what she's
singing' performance. Bai promises that she is going to be singing tonight.
Jason: She's in a beautiful white stole. She looks very 40's with a bullet mike.
Travis: I expect that stole she's wearing to go flying. It's just her style.
Jason: She starts the performance...and we cant understand a word she is saying.
Gordon: She's at least on pitch. I have no clue what she's singing but she's
carrying a tune.
Jason: She was awful. This was really bad.
Gordon: This is going to be the most screwed up thing I'm going to say all
Travis: Go for it.
Gordon: That may be the best on pitch performance we're going to hear this
Jason: Are you nuts?
Gordon: Speaking of nuts, ANT comes out in the outfit that Bai Ling wore last
week and proposes to her! Bai says?yes!?!!?
Jason: Now...THAT IS NUTS!
Gordon: Ahmet - 'I now announce you thing and thing.' Bai - 'Has he changed? I
thought he liked boys.'
Jason: Bai is a smart girl.
Gordon: She calls ANT Strange again, assures us that she is not really going to
marry ANT, and the segment is over.
Jason: And ANT's conversion is postponed.
Gordon: So Travis, what did you think of Bai's performance?
Travis: Well, her wardrobe and presentation exuded grace (first time in a
while). Singing however was horrible.
Gordon: I still think she's better than Ashlee Simpson.
Travis: Well, with Ashlee, you can make out some words.
Gordon: That's because they are on tape and she's actually not singing them.
Gordon: We are back, giving props to Peter Escovedo and the band. And then, we
give props to Carmine Gotti Agnello, who's up next
Don: What is he butchering this week?
Jason: He is butchering "Hey Ma" by Cam'ron, A New York based rapper. Part of
the Dip Set crew. I am showing my street cred. I do know a bit of hip hop and
Travis: Jason, you're whiter than I am. :)
Gordon: Well, it is a rap song, so it's sort of in his field of song, so it may
not be as bad as we thin...oh. Never mind.
Jason: We should do this at GSC5. This would be fun as hell :)
Gordon: Carmine starts rapping while on a stationary motorcycle with a bevy of
blondes behind him. Carmine interrupts the rap by yelling at the audience to
make some noise.
Travis: I think he stopped singing just long enough to show off.
Gordon: He stopped singing long enough to repeat the rap chorus around 4 or 5
Travis: And let the backup sing.
Gordon: At least the backup is in tune.
Jason: No kidding.
Gordon: The judges love what he's doing. For the second straight week, we don't
hear ANT critique Carmine. Is there a reason for it?
Jason: I don't know. Next we have Morgan Fairchild.
Travis: This should be good.
Jason: She is doing "Son of a Preacher Man" by Dusty Springfield.
Gordon: Morgan wants to beat the song to death. If she sings like she did last
week, she will have no problem with that.
Don: No kidding...
Gordon: We'll see if this song is closer to Julia Demato's Version in
American Idol 2 - or Mikala Gordon's Version of it in American Idol 4
Travis: She got all the words out!!
Gordon: She's actually on pitch. A...good performance??!!
Jason: A very good performance.
Jason: This is the best performance of the entire series so far.
Jason: APPLAUSE. Very good.
Gordon: ANT says that the Bitch is Back
Jason: She is.
Gordon: By the way, Everyone take notice on Chris Wylde when the Riff
commercial comes on.
Jason: who is Chris Wylde?
Travis: Ex-host of Taboo
Gordon: And American Idol Angry Rapper Auditioner
Jason: And we see JD Fortune of Rock Star INXS
Gordon: Who's song Debuted at #37 - and then dropped like a rock.
Jason: The advertising segment of Media Hos!
Gordon: We are back to the show - and we have to get past one more
performance before giving our eardrums a rest.
Jason: Michael Copon is last and is going to be mauling Hot in Here by Nelly.
Gordon: Any bets on whether he takes his shirt off?
Travis: $50 says yes.
Jason: He's got the rap down.
Gordon: Off goes the jacket.
Travis: JACKET COUNTS!! Pay me.
Gordon: Annnnd off goes the shirt
Travis: SHIRT OFF!! That's double!
Jason: give him your poker money.
Gordon: No one touches my poker money
Travis: Fine...buy me dinner at GSCV and we'll call it even.
Gordon: The performance itself wasn't awful. He still hasn't gotten the
notes, but at least he nailed the lyrics. ANT - 'You don't have to ask twice.
I'll take my clothes off right now.' Please no.
Jason: A thousand times no.
Travis: A thousand thousand times no
Don: Many many many times no.
Gordon: So last chance to change your mind - who leaves?
Don: Morgan, despite how she apparently did this week.
Gordon: The votes are only from last week, so I'll stay with Morgan. After he
gives his props to Gene Simmons (who looks like he's waiting
for a rectal exam), we have the results. Who is leaving?
Travis: GET ON WITH IT!!
Jason: Bai Ling is gone! YES!
Travis: BYE BYE BAI
Gordon: I can't go on.
Travis: I KNEW IT!!
Don: Wow. Just... Wow.
Jason: Karma is right with the world. (does the happy dance)
Gordon: The Pain! The cruelness of the world!
Jason: Are you sad enough not to do the close?
Gordon: I'm a professional. I can handle it. I'll have to pick myself up and
cope with my loss. I'll have to watch Battle Royale around 7 times this week to
get over it.
Travis: Someone send Gordon some Asian "movies." That'll make him feel
Gordon: Thanks Travis =). Next week - the Finale. The trio get to do Bohemian
Don: Of all the things they could have them butcher... Why did it have to be
Gordon: Before I release you all into furlough for the week - who is the
Don: If this week's performances are judged to determine it, then Morgan.
Gordon: Morgan was the best, but I'll go for Carmine. Any last thoughts?
Don: Only 1 more week of this...
Travis: I have a crush on Morgan.
Gordon: Thank you all. For Don and Jason and Travis and Joe, this is Gordon,
saying to Spread the Love, and not the bad vocals.
Jason: ONE! MORE! WEEK!
Gordon: That's a Wrap.