Game Show NewsNet - But Can They Sing?

Round of 9 - October 30

Gordon: This is Gordon Pepper announcing that we are starting the NEW
Roundtable! Unfortunately, if you are looking for the American Idol Roundtable, well, come back in January. But as of now, we have another musical talent show to torture you with called "But Can They Sing"!
Jason: You have to pay me better than this.
Gordon: Let's introduce the vic.. I mean participants! From WPLJ's Beat the
Block, it's Jason Block!
Jason: Thank you. I should be watching football.
Gordon: This is our version of punishing you for losing for 3 straight weeks
on Beat the Block.
Jason: Atonement.
Gordon: AND for not mentioning ONE WORD of us on your program
Jason: Yeah yeah yeah. I feel sick.
Gordon: Now, Canadians can't watch this show, BUT that won't stop us from also bringing in our Canadian Correspondant Don Harpwood to join us in on our misery!
Don: Good evening, guys.
Jason: And we have Ahmet Zappa hosting.
Don: I remember him from Robotica.
Gordon: Or from Arsenio Hall's Star Search.
Jason: This is a train wreck.
Gordon: 9 Celebrities. 1 Winner. We start out with the dress rehearsal
introductions, and so far we see that they...can't sing a lick.
Don: My expectations started low in the first place, so I'm not too
surprised.
Gordon: And we'll make sure that Don suffers through it like we do.
Don: Eep.
Jason: Ahmet Zappa is styling in a striped polo and sport jacket.
Gordon: Ahmet wants to know if we're ready to take a trip into Celebreality. You ready?
Don: Does it matter? o_o;
Jason: Lord help me.
Gordon: The winner gets a grand prize from the charity of their choice.
Jason: They get coached by three vocal and artist coaches.
Gordon: We see the vocal coaches - Rachel Riggs, Jackie Simley-Steves and Tony Michaels. You ever hear of them?
Jason: No.
Don: Nope.
Gordon: Peter Michael Escovedo (someone who I have heard of, since he's the brother of Sheila E) will be orchestrating the band.
Jason: Morgan Fairchild is profiled first.
Gordon: Morgan Fairchild, blonde bombshell and woman with the big... scales.
Jason: She does "Those Boots Are Made for Walking".
Gordon: Now the song has always been a singing/talking song, perfect for
someone who doesn't have a good sense of pitch. This is a good thing, because she doesn't have a good sense of pitch.
Jason: This isn't horrible.
Don: Really?
Gordon: I beg to differ. She can't hold the pitch for more than 4 notes at a
time.
Jason: We are definitely going to hear worse.
Gordon: That I agree with - we will hear worse. Morgan says that it felt ok, but we'll listen to the judges...Tony says that she killed it. I say that
Tony's been on some nice strong stuff on before the show. The judges all like it. Uhhh...ok.
Jason: The judges have been smoking some serious Amsterdam stuff.
Don: Oh my...
Gordon: Next up - Michael the Blue Power Ranger!
Jason: Michael Copon, the Blue Power Ranger and One Tree Hill guy.
Gordon: Do you want your Power Rangers to be singing, Don?
Don: I don't think so, Gordon.
Gordon: Could you imagine a Mighty Morphin Power Ranger show with all of them singing instead of fighting?
Jason: Yes...Cop Rock.
Don: Ack.
Gordon: And how well did that fly?
Rachel: (bratz can't sing)
Jason: MIchael Copon is doing "I Don't Want Be" by Gavin DeGraw - Horribly.
Gordon: Apparently he doesn't want to be a singer.
Jason: I said this would be worse.
Gordon: Fortunately, the backup instrumentalists are doing a great job in
drowning Michael out.
Jason: Yes....great house band!
Gordon: Peter is doing a great job. When someone sucks, the band plays very
loud.
Jason: Oh. My. God. That was bad.
Don: Sounds like a good idea.
Gordon: The judges are saying that he rocked it - and any shot of getting any sort of honesty from the judges has now gone out the window.
Jason: The judges are never going to be honest with them.
Don: Geez, I hope I never have to enter any type of contest with those as
judges.
Gordon: Actually, these are the ones that you want. Everyone gets a gold star!
Jason: It's like the politically correct kindergarten.
Gordon: Before we continue, let's introduce a returning person from the
American Idol Roundtable, the lovely Rachel Rachel!
Jason: (applause)
Rachel: Hi!
Gordon: And just to make you even more miserable, we have a mini clip from the celebrities singing Old MacDonald.
Rachel: Sounds fab.
Jason: This has been torture.
Don: What, are they going to try having the celebs butcher EVERY song
possible during this series?
Gordon: And to think, we have 7 more songs to go
Jason: Next is Antonio Sabato Jr.
Gordon: Unfortunately, they haven't pulled the plug on the show yet, so we
are stuck with Science Fiction Movie stalwart Antonio Sabato Jr.
Rachel: Sabato was also a General Hospital vet, don' forget.
Gordon: Antonio says that it's scarier for him to sing than for him to be
jumping out of a plane
Don: What song is he struggling through tonight?
Jason: "Every Breath You Take" by the Police.
Gordon: What about every singing error you make?
Rachel: So far he sounds tone def. Nervous and tone def...
Don: lol
Gordon: At least he's recovered - sort of.
Rachel: But his hair looks good.
Gordon: The hair is the best part of the performance, as he just mutilated
the second part of the song
Jason: Band is drowning out the guy. Good job.
Rachel: He wouldn't pass the American Idol auditions
Gordon: Ahmet says that he'd go gay for Antonio. The judges say that they weren't 'connecting' with Antonio. This is the closest for them saying that he sucks.
Jason: The judges rip Antonio. Bai Ling is next.
Gordon: Bai Ling may not be able to sing, but since she's posed nude, I can see her without and just put the mute button on.
Rachel: ah.
Gordon: Don - Bai says that she can't speak English very well. Would this be a factor in the music up in Canada?
Don: Not too much...
Gordon: She sings 'Like a Virgin' dressed in a red dress and slithering on
the floor while having a tone that would make William Hung look good. This is indescribable for words.
Jason: Dear Lord have Mercy.
Don: ...But it would help if the person can sing.
Rachel: Her English is very accented... she is slightly less off key than
Antonio.
Gordon: Singing talent - no. Rolling over the stage - Yes. This puts her on
the top of my list for best performances so far.
Rachel: She has some poise and grace while singing and her Chinese accent while singing was corny but fun.
Gordon: And then she takes off the dress and she has a nice naughty lingerie dress on. Ahmet says that he has never seen anything like that - and quite frankly, neither have I. What do you have to say about this, Jay?
Jason: This was horrible.
Rachel: In the bumpers Antonio says he enjoys singing.
Gordon: Oh - that's what he was doing?
Rachel: it was fluffy underwear. She hit a few of the notes, but Antonio was mostly a-tonal. Sabato should stick to Fresh male layouts!
Jason: Agreed. Next up...Joey Pantoliano.
Gordon: This is just the first episode - which means that we are stuck with more...I mean that some of these people will not be here next week - thank goodness. Joey wants to know if he wins anything for coming in second.
Rachel: Wait a second - he's on key and has a little bit of a voice and that
man can ACT!
Gordon: Joey croons out 'I Get A Kick Out Of You'
Jason: Wait a second...he can SING!
Don: What?
Gordon: Ok - he's hit more than half of the notes correctly. This makes him the best singer so far.
Rachel: He's a little pitchy, but yeah... would make it to the first group on
AI.
Don: Wow.
Gordon: Ouch - bad run of notes. Bad, bad, bad run of notes. Would you care to redefine that "He can sing" statement?
Jason: He is the best here tonight. And yes he can act.
Rachel: he could sing?
Gordon: Sing in the sense that the stale bread is better than the 3 month old yogurt.
Rachel: ha
Gordon: And the judges thought that the run-through was better
Jason: And he can curse.
Gordon: Was that an F bomb that Joey just said?
Jason: He dropped an F Bomb that was bleeped.
Gordon: Oops.
Jason: Next...up...Kim Alexis.
Gordon: Kim says that she can sing. I really hope so, because she would be the first.
Rachel: Her boobs are bigger now than when she was a swimsuit model (maybe because she's not too skinny now).
Jason: She has 5 kids!
Gordon: Kim is having a problem with the opening pitch...and the middle
pitch...and the interlude pitch.
Rachel: ooh. nerves. She's sorta following the melody... ish
Don: In other words, about every pitch?
Gordon: Pretty much. What's the song, Jason?
Jason: "The Way You Love Me" by Faith Hill.
Gordon: My eardrums don't love her.
Rachel: the way she sings it there ain't much love.
Gordon: She's got nothing but love for you, baby.
Jason: No love at all, Rachel.
Gordon: Kim says it was fun. I'm glad that she thought so. Rachel the judge says that some of the notes are off. Noooooooooo, reeeeeeeally?
Rachel: That makes one person in America who thought so.
Gordon: Do we wonder yet why NBC passed on this?
Don: I can tell why, just from what I've read so far.
Gordon: I think they need to tour Canada so Don can feel what we're feeling now. Speaking of which - we're back for more pain.
Jason: And Chico is here.
Chico: Sorry for being late. Helping brother study. Like a good big brother.
Gordon: We are joined by Chico Alexander so he can feel what we've been feeling so far. What have we been feeling so far, Jason?
Jason: Intense pain. Next up is Carmine Gotti Agnello.
Gordon: He knows how to dress - But Can He SING???
Don: I'd guess he can't.
Chico: Absolutely horrid.
Gordon: Carmine is singing...Nelly!
Rachel: He's at least as good as Kim Alexis... also doesn't sound like he's
rapping, sounds like he's boy-band singing.
Chico: I've seen better rappers at Christmas.
Gordon: Well, he can carry a tune. He can't do anything with a tone or the
words - but the nice thing is that since he's singing a song that you can't
understand when it's performed well, we won't know if he actually got it right or not. Ahmet wants to sign him with Zappa records.
Jason: The judges ripped Gotti.
Gordon: The girls are screaming for him, so why would it matter if he gets
the words wrong?
Chico: Next up, Myrka Dellanos. I just love saying that. Myrka.
Gordon: Myyyrrrrrrrrkaaaaaa
Chico: She's one of the anchors of Univision's "Primer Impacto", and she's won two Emmys. And by the way, she's hot. Damn hot.
Jason: She is singing "Don't Know Why" by Norah Jones.
Don: As in, don't know why they're trying to sing?
Chico: Ratings, m'boy. *screams in agony*
Jason: Pitchy.
Rachel: oooh. following the melody but of key
Chico: Nasal as all get out.
Rachel: Off key that is. Actually Pantoliano was better.
Don: lol
Chico: What does my brother think? (D: I think I'm going to be sick)
Gordon: Tell him to stick around for Bai Ling on the recap.
Jason: You missed the first half hour.
Chico: Gordon, I'm getting a fricking aneurysm.
Gordon: This is Superstar compared to the first half hour
Jason: And we have Larry Holmes yet to come.
Chico: Ahmet says "You brought tears to my ears."
Gordon: She brought blood to my ears.
Jason: Next - Larry Holmes singing James Brown...this is going to be gold.
Rachel: I think I would have much more fun seeing this group playing "clue" the board game for charity
Gordon: By the way, THREE people will be eliminated, and if you ask me, the sooner the better.
Rachel: Oww only three?
Don: JUST three?
Chico: Please let them be Carmine, Michael, and Bai.
Gordon: No - we have to keep Bai.
Rachel: Bai was fun.
Gordon: We must keep her and her rolling body in red suggestive clothing.
Jason: My dad (who is watching) said it would be more fun seeing them spread peanut butter on bread.
Gordon: Can I spread Peanut Butter on Bai?
Don: LOL
Chico: Oh, we're back!
Gordon: Just for future prosperity and for the U.S. Government to play this
on full blast if they need to smoke Osama Bin Laden out of the caves in Iraq
Chico: Larry Holmes has fought Muhammad Ali and Mike Tyson. The big
question, can he take on... James Brown?
Gordon: Ahmet compares Larry Holmes to a tank full of delicious honey
Chico: This is going to be bad.
Gordon: The intro performances just show that we're in for an ear shattering treat.
Jason: He is going to do "I Feel Good" by James Brown.
Gordon: I feel good - when this is over.
Chico: I feel something. I think it's my dinner coming back.
Gordon: At least we won't have to complain with him being off key. There was no key that he was actually on. I like the movements. I like the energy.
That's pretty much it, though.
Gordon: Oh by the way, there are 5 more episodes of this badness
Rachel: they only get one judge review on camera... she's says he's a champion... I say she's a star f***er
Gordon: We geta quick recap of the performances.
Chico: Okay, voting. Gordon... how can we vote?
Gordon: Rewind the interview segment, or go to vh1.com to vote.
Jason: Kim Alexis---see ya. Michael Copon--bye Myrka stays. Morgan stays. Carmine bye., Larry stays. Bai stays. Joe Pants stays. Antonio stays.
Chico: Joe's probably the best tonight.
Don: So, basically, the viewers are voting for who sucked the least, and/or who looked the best? Provided they don't get too confused?
Chico: Basically.
Jason: I feel so much better now...it's over.
Don: Okay.
Rachel: yeah! it's over!
Rachel: I agree with Chico on Joe.
Gordon: Here's my order - BAI, Joey, Antonio, Morgan, Larry, Michael, Carmine, Myrka, Kim. I say Carmine, Myrka and Kim are leaving.
Chico: So tell us, Gordon.... How can we vote for Joey Pants? Because I'm so damned confused!
Gordon: uhh...well...he was supposed to be third, which would be the third number, but he's actually 8th, so it should be the 8th number, uhhh....maybe they will realize this and bring them all back to sing again for us. Wouldn't that be swell?
Chico: Couldn't we just go to VH1.com or something?
Jason: Yes. Or Text.
Chico: See, G, that was called a leading question. :)
Gordon: I couldn't hear you. My ears ran to my car and locked the doors.
Jason: This will be morning show material all over the country.
Chico: Well, look on the bright side. One down... four shows to go.
Gordon: 5 to go
Don: Unless someone pulls the plug midway through (if that were to happen)?
Gordon: Doubt it, Don. But at least we can all watch this and be miserable. That wraps it for this week. Join us all next week when we savage the show even more than we did this week.
Jason: See you all.
Rachel: bye
Jason: I am done.
Chico: Alrighty.
Gordon: That's a wrap