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The Video Wall
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They can act. They can look
pretty. They can report the news. They can kick your butt. But can they sing?
You won't believe your ears.
Recaps by Chico Alexander, Jason
Block, Don Harpwood, Rachel Kadushin, & Gordon Pepper, GSNN
Judges: Rachel Riggs, Jackie Simley-Stevens, Tony
Creator: Granada America (based on original format)
EP: Jay Karas, Andee Kuroda, Curt Northrup, Paul
Jackson, Michael Hirschhorn, Claire McCabe, Jeff Olde, Lee
Packager: Granada America, VH1
Origin: Tribune Studios, Los Angeles, CA
Airs: 10p ET Sundays on VH1
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- November 13
Gordon: This is Gordon Pepper, and welcome to another episode of But Can They
Sing that promises to be fascinating!
Gordon: Our panel this evening consists of Mr. Don Harpwood aka 'Donut' who's
the Millionaire recapper from Canada and who doesn't get But Can They Sing
(lucky soul) but who decides to join us in our math of misery anyways.
Don: Pleasure to be here...sort of...
Gordon: Also joining us, the Panamanian with the bad attitude, Mr. Chico
Chico: I pity da foo'
Gordon: Are you ready to give the singers some of the business?
Chico: Oh yeah.
Gordon: Now this week, we are only getting rid of one of the singers.
Don: Just 1? Darn.
Chico: Which one?
Gordon: And if it makes you feel any better, the one singer will be eliminated
at the END of the show, so you get to hear all of them singing tonight.
Chico: I thought you said that this was going to be good.
Gordon: But Wait! There's ONE MORE THING! (and no, it's not Bugs)
Chico: I thought you said that I was going to feel better.
Gordon: What do you guys think about...Duets!
Chico: I think I'm going to kill you.
Gordon: We have Morgan Fairchild and Antonio Sabato Jr., and all things
considering, that's not too bad, is it?
Chico: No, but Morgan half-talks, and Anthony's best asset is his chest - which
I'd rather not see, anyways.
Gordon: We also have Larry Holmes and Michael Copon singing together.
Chico: Mike thinks he has a career out of this... I searched his Friendster
Chico: Finally, Carmine Gotti Agnello is singing with Bai Ling... And you know
Gordon's looking forward to that.
Gordon: It sounds like a kicking good time.
Chico: Sounds like a kicking of the ass if you ask me.
Gordon: We also will have an early cameo from Mr. Joe Van GInkel. So what do you
think of a boxer and a Blue Power Ranger singing together, Joe?
Joe: Keep 'em. I just wanna hear...well...you know.
Gordon: Well, we have a Power Ranger singing tonight, Joe. Isn't that close
Joe: No. It isn't.
Gordon: It's not the pink one, but when you think about it, it may as well be a
Chico: Buttons ain't gon' need to be pushed.. Just get the job done...
Gordon: I try to make Joe happy. We give him a boxer. We give him a Power
Ranger. What more do you want from me? What about a naked Bai Ling?
Chico: .... we can do that.. Right?
Joe: Nope. Even that won't help.
Chico: Remember, drugs are bad.
Gordon: Well, you won't have to wait much longer, because we are
starting...right...now! We get the flashbacks, and we find out that first place
is worth $50,000 to the charity of the celebrities choice.
Chico: Wait, we're getting both individual AND duet performances?
Chico: My thoughts exactly
Gordon: 8 performances for you this evening!
Chico: And above all that, ANT is here?
Joe: Run for your lives!
Gordon: It's too late for that - Ahmet Zappa is in da house!
Chico: Ahmet Zappa is decked in red... A warning?
Gordon: Ahmet calls this America's next guilty pleasure - and Ahmet starts to
sing for us just to give us some early torture.
Chico: Ahmet's actually pretty good as a singer...Comparatively.
Don: Better than the celebs?
Gordon: 350,000 votes have been tallied.
Chico: We enter with the duets. These will not be voted upon.
Gordon: Just for the record, the duets are for enjoyment purposes only. The
question is - who exactly is going to be enjoying this?
Chico: Heh. First up, Bai and Carmine, as Ahmet explains the duality here. The
Chinese made pasta... the Italians perfected it... and ... some other stuff
happened... Gordon, help me.
Gordon: And we start singing...uhhh....Bai Ling is wearing a very short skirt
and grinding backwards into Carmine. What do you call this, Chico?
Chico: A cry for help.
Gordon: And the audience is screaming, which means that right about now, those
steroids must be kicking in.
Chico: And she's half a step off rhythmically.
Gordon: Not to mention 3 steps off tonally.
Chico: Going to the panel now, thank God.
Chico: Ant: "Boy am I glad summer's over!"
Gordon: But not everyone has had enough Fall, apparently.
Chico: Now, a heavyweight champ and the Blue Time Force Ranger with "Don't Go
Breakin' My Heart";. Insert RuPaul joke here. Oh, they rewrote it. And
surprise... Mike's actually good. Sounds flat emotionally, though. Emote,
Gordon: And Larry is..just Larry, as he continues to sing whatever he wants to,
irregardless of the right lyrics.
Gordon: Michael at least gets the right lyrics, and who cares if he's off by 6
or 7 notes or so. Michael gets the lyrics, Larry (sort of) gets the notes. It's
a perfect duet!
Chico: It's too late, Larry... as for Ant? "Michael, Larry, my heart wasn't
broken but my ears were!"
Gordon: What about your ears, Chico?
Gordon: WHat about your ears, Chico?
Chico: WHAT?!; Can't hear ya! Ears broken!
Gordon: Just think - we have 6 more performances to go!
Gordon: At least Ahmet and the gang are now playing the show for laughs now.
Chico: I would've appreciated it more if they knew what they were doing.
Gordon: So Don - would you rather see celebs who know how to sing, or celebs who
have no clue how to sing?
Don: Celebs who know how to sing.
Gordon: I think someone needs to burn the show on DVD and e-mail it over to Don
to see what he's missing.
Don: So I can experience my ears being broken too?
Gordon: Sure =)
Chico: Dude. Don's my friend. I would NOT do that to him.
Gordon: Maybe a blood vessel or two.
Chico: Oh, we're back. And all we have left is Morgan and Antonio singing "(I've
Had) The Time of My Life". Now she's reasonably good. He's... well, an earache
happen. Good dancer, though. But this song is known for tight harmony. Absent.
What the hell. Thoughts?
Gordon: At least Morgan knows when to sing down so she sounds decent without
screeching. I'm waiting for Antonio to take his shirt off so the crowd can
forget about his singing.
Chico: Lyric mangle.
Gordon: Or Antonio can just forget the lyrics, which would also make us forget
about his singing.
Chico: Octave change. Gordon, are you taking score here?
Gordon: There's smoke coming from my abacus.
Chico: Ant: "That was so sexy and so hot, I think I'm pregnant!"
Gordon: Compared to the other 2 duets, I'm in heat.
Chico: I'm in heat, too. I ate General Tso's Chicken.
Gordon: Was it tasty?
Chico: Oh yeah! Okay, entertainment's over. Now it's time for the big show. The
first solo singer is...Carmine Gotti Agnello! He's is in first place right now,
but by yea much.
Gordon: Booo...I want Bai Ling!
Chico: This week, Usher's "U Remind Me". That's his poison of no-choice.
Gordon: What does Carmine remind you of, Chico?
Chico: Snow... Vanilla Ice... Eminem... Kevin Federline...And Mario from
Superstar USA. Need I go on with the joke here?
Gordon: I think Carmine may be related to Mario. At least Carmine remembered the
lyrics for the first 2 minutes of the song.
Chico: Make it stop, ma.
Gordon: ANT is staring and is looking like his silicone filled face is about to
Ryan: Hey guys... just here for a minute or three
Gordon: And we are joined by our other resident Canadian, Mr. Ryan Vickers.
Ryan: Pleasure to be here...I think.
Gordon: The crowd is screaming for Carmine. What exactly did the audience get
before the performance, Chico?
Chico: Not Ritalin, that's for sure. Tony: "What happened to all the moves we
did?" Ant: "Words cannot describe, but sounds can. Sounds like a cat caught in a
muffler. That sounds horrible!"
Chico: Gordon, your thoughts?
Gordon: Have you ever heard a cat caught in a muffler
Chico: I heard a duck stuck under a truck before....
Gordon: Did it quack?
Chico: It squeaked.
Gordon: Was that before or after it exploded?
Chico: After, I think.
Gordon: Ryan and Don - have either of you ever heard a cat caught in a muffler?
Don: No, but I could imagine. And I'd imagine it sounds terrible.
Gordon: You know what you'd get if a DJ got a hold of the Muffler?
Chico: A number one dance club mix record?
Gordon: No...You'd get a Meow Mix!
Chico: *waa waaa waaaaaahh*
Ryan: Meow mix??? Boo. That's worse than my fish joke.
Gordon: I thought that joke was the cat's pajamas, myself
Chico: You were lied to.
Gordon: So we're back. Who's the next singer to croon their tune?
Chico: That would be.... Bai Ling!
Don: Sounds like Gordon is happy.
Chico: So we get to hear "Girls Just Want to Have Fun"... Use your imagination.
She's in fourth this week.
Gordon: Well, she can sing in English and Chinese, so it makes her Bai Lingual!
Joe: Run away!
Chico: *waaa waaaa wwaaaaaaaaaah*
Ryan: do we pay you for this?
Chico: Unfortunately, no. I'd pay him to stop, though. :)
Gordon: I've made funnier jokes than Todd Glass so far though.
Chico: Well, that's a given.
Gordon: She starts out in a yellow business suit and pants. She has a glass and
champagne, which she tosses over. She then tosses over her jacket, revealing a
very skinny purple bikini!
Chico: Gordon gushes in three... two... one...
Chico: And she's not finished stripping...
Gordon: I love the purple hair. She then takes off the yellow pants, revealing a
skimpy purple bikini bottom
Chico: It matches her hair!
Chico: Rachel: "Bai, you were really frustrated, but I think you did a good
job." Tony: I loved your performance, but you need to control it some. Ant? "I'd
switch for your ass. I would!"
Chico: Moves gets an A, pitch gets a B-, performance gets a D.
Gordon: Moves get an A. Pitch gets a B-. Stripping gets an A+. Overall gets a B.
She needs to take off more clothes though.
Chico: Next staying.... Michael Copon.
Gordon: Go Go Power Ranger!
Chico: He's... in second. Blue's always second banana, you know.
Gordon: Actually , a banana is yellow, isn't it? If you leave it around for 3
months, it turns blue...
Chico: This week, he's getting into "the craft" with "You Give Love a Bad Name"
He starts in the crowd... And is immediately on pitch. A rarity.
Gordon: 'An Angel Smile is what you sell. You Took me to Heaven, You Took Me To
Chico: You messed up the lyric.
Gordon: That's what he sang. Unfortunately, that's not what the lyric is.
Chico: "You put me through hell."
Gordon: It's actually 'You promised me heaven, you put me through hell'.
Chico: Points for Gordon.
Gordon: Points! Yay!
Chico: See, he's forcing the song out... This is not good. Not good at all.
Don: Oh dear...
Chico: It killed Constantine, it'll kill you.
Gordon: He continues to mangle the song, continuously calling the woman in the
song a guy. Just an error in singing or is he revealing something that he would
rather not reveal?
Chico: Happy birthday, Michael. Sing the song right.
Gordon: Now for the judges...
Chico: Jackie: "You did a great job. You controlled your composure."
Tony: You are hittin' it, boy. Ant: Michael, you can give me any bad name you
Gordon: What about bland?
Chico: He needs to take advantage of that tenor range and learn some proper
breath control... But then again, how many years training have you had, Gordon?
Gordon: Many, many, many years. What Michael needs is some alum.
Chico: As we go to commercial, we see Leela James... Now THERE's a singer :) A
REAL woman right there...
Gordon: I think William Hung would have been perfect on this show.
Chico: Okay, we had three singers... who's next?
Gordon: Ahmet singing with echo ona microphone
Chico: But who's afterwards?
Gordon: Morgan Fairchild!
Gordon: Morgan is only 42 votes from Bai Ling
Chico: She's going to try hard for those 42 votes on Carly Simon's "You're So
Gordon: She sounds....good?
Chico: The tone's right on.
Chico: Doing my best Randy Jackson here... "You want to win this thing, don'tcha?"
Gordon: The tune is perfect, and bringing back something from American Idol, she
picked a perfect song for her - it's another half singing, half talking song,
which is perfect for her voice.
Chico: Actually... she didn't pick this. This was picked for her.
Gordon: Whatever it was, it was a great choice. Wow.
Chico: Very nice, Morgan.
Gordon: We FINALLY get a noteworthy performance
Don: So, song selection is out of the celebs' hands, eh? Then who is picking 'em?
Gordon: Maybe a monkey in the back spinning a wheel...oh wait, been done
Chico: The Producers, obviously.
Gordon: Awesome job, Morgan
Chico: Jackie: "This is what I've been waiting for, complete relaxation. Work
it, mami." Ant: Every week, you set the bar higher and higher. I can't wait for
you next week!
Gordon: I can't wait either. Morgan and Bai Ling! Wheeeeeeeee
Chico: So we're down to Antonio and Larry. Who's got it?
Don: If Larry is still in it, I'll be shocked.
Chico: And congratulations to VH1 for not screwing the outcome with a promo.
Gordon: I agree that Larry is leaving, but JUST to make a counter-argument...A
train wreck is much more entertaining than a bland performance. The only thing
that would save Antonio is if the voters want to see him shirtless again.
Chico: I believe that Antonio's abs-olute performance will save him this week.
Gordon: Was he Ab-Fab?
Chico: I don't get down like that, dude... not that there's anything wrong with
Gordon: With that, Ahmet has the name of the last singer of the evening.
Chico: No, he performed Bon Jovi earlier.
Chico: Larry.... you're not singing this week. Awww...
Gordon: We get spared from Larry singing 'Brickhouse'...unless you want to go to
vh1.com and see him in action. This is now the second straight talent show where
the boxer is booted out second. Bias against Boxers!
Chico: Down, dude... Let's just hear Antonio sing "Addicted to Love"...or at
least attempt to.
Don: Does he butcher it?
Gordon: Well he gets the lyrics right.
Chico: Actually, it's perfect for his faux-bari voice here.
Gordon: The voice is...well...depressing.
Chico: 'Bout right, yeah. Robert Palmer is rolling in his grave right now.
Gordon: I want to be addicted to the drugs that the audience receives before
they become screaming mindless drones.
Chico: And Antonio dies on stage... STAY DOWN, man! Tony: Every single class,
you've stepped up again. This was the best performance you've ever did. Ant:
Antonio, I am addicted. So much so, I'm going to rehab. And now, to vote. By
calling (probably too late for that), text message (not too late for that), and
by going to VH1.com.
Gordon: And with that, we get the quick recap and then we're out. Who's next to
Chico: Not Carmine or Michael, that's for sure... Let's go with Bai.... Sorry,
bro. She's gonna have to pull Ahmet on stage and have her way with him in order
to stay another week.
Gordon: I think Bai still has some time left on stage. I also think the shirt
isn't going to save Antonio this time.
Don: I'll guess Antonio. If the audience looks past the whole shirtless thing.
Gordon: And with that, we are done with another recap. Thanks to Don Harpwood
for joining us in our lunacy.
Don: And there's what, 3 more of these to go?
Chico: Three more.
Gordon: For Chico and everyone, this is Gordon Pepper saying GAME OVER! and
spread the love - and the vocal chords.
Chico: *does scales*
Gordon: That's a wrap