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Auditions 5
May 28
(C-Note: some of the acts that you are
about to read involve real danger in front of a live audience. They were
designed, practiced, and supervised by professionals, taking the
contestants' safety into full account. They are extremely dangerous and
should NEVER be attempted anywhere, by anyone, at any time.)
Chico: So two weeks in.... and we've got
enough talent to put on a semi-decent talent show. But not one that
beckons the #1 show in the summer. So we're going to Tampa Bay this
week.
ST. PETERSBURG
Mahaffey Theater
Chico: Ever been to Florida, G?
Gordon: Can't say I have been - which is not bad in itself, since I
really don't want to be going down there when it's 169 degrees out
Chico: Not to mention it being all tropical stormy.
Gordon: And alligatory
Chico: And to all those down there affected by Beryl, our best wishes.
Gordon: And to those celebrating the Memorial Day weekend by actually
remembering our veterans instead of running down to the beach or a
barbecue, we salute you as well.
Chico: Now the question remains... have we found the million dollar act
or will we find it tonight?
Gordon: As I've said before, I think we've already found it - but you
never know.
Chico: America is a fickle bunch, isn't it?
Gordon: Well, we haven't heard from them this season yet so far -= but
we have seen Howard make kids cry and the judges say how much better
this season is over every other season so far.
Chico: They always say that, though. Speaking of alligators...
Gordon: Nick Cannon is NOT a gator
Chico: First up comes the bite of Inspire the Fire.
Gordon: They are a singing / dancing organization that does good things
for good people - so you know the will get through.
Chico: They are singing dancing crew that reaches out to youth to tap
into their inner gifts. Reminds me of Glee. or even worse... Up with
People. Yes, I just dated myself Nice flat top by the way.
Gordon: Chances of them going through: 4-5. And the leader needs to shut
up.
Chico: But it's hard to give'em Haterade for all the good they do.
Gordon: ...no it's not.
Chico: Let's see if they're any good... with "Lean on Me"
Gordon: and now that I've heard him sing...he really needs to shut up.
Chico: I want to hear more of the group. Less of the soloists..... and
thank you.
Gordon: This is painful, but they will get through.
Chico: Meanwhile... their singing is better than they're dancing. and
that's saying something.
Gordon: It's subpar singing and subpar dancing. I don't see them getting
out of Vegas - but I do see them getting there.
Chico: I agree. And Howard gives them the standing O. And the Fourth
Judge is on their feet as well. Howard hates Glee, but he loves the
group.
Gordon: Howard Stern is getting into the worthwhile judge mode...but I
agree with Howie that they need to remove their story.
Chico: And Howie thinks it's all for a wonderful cause... and to remove
their story. That removes their raison d'etre. But it's good enough for
Vegas.
Gordon: The judges say it wasn't corny. That's true, but it wasn't
awesome either.
Chico: Agreed. It wasn't corny. But it almost had to be, because it was
a glee club. And over the break, I'll be playing a little Let's Bowl on
my Kindle. =p I was on a perfect game going into the 8th frame.... then
AGT started =p Back to the show, and we've got... the Bikini Bombshells
from North Carolina. They've been to Vegas and Reno, but can they cut it
here?
Gordon: Scantily clad ladies. What could possibly go wrong here?
Chico: I wish you didn't ask that. I'd send them to Vegas. in my private
jet. Anyway, they're going to dance.... Okay, they can't dance... and
they don't work what they got. Which is a shame, because... well, they
got it.
Gordon: Soo... I don't understand why Howard buzzed them.
Chico: I do. They suck.
Gordon: See if I'm Howard, I say no, but l let them do the whole routine
and pray for a wardrobe malfunction
Chico: Granted, they have bang, ping, pa-dow, ba-donk.... but they're
terrible! Howie does let them finish. And they're finished.
Gordon: Howie was looking for a breast implant explosion, which would
almost be the same thing as a wardrobe malfunction
Chico: And also finished... judging by the music in the background...
Gordon: Cue the montage of failures
Chico: dancing faces... an Edward Scissorhands wannabe... and a bearded
lady.. and another failure... and another.... and another. It's the guy
from "The Hangover". And I don't mean Gordon.
Gordon: That would have been my Haloween costume. btw.
Chico: And this guy thinks he can dance... we beg to differ.
Gordon: It does look better when Howie dances with him
Chico: Doesn't say much.
Gordon: You may go back to your Wii Bowling at any time now, Chico.
Chico: Kindle Bowling. I got the smiley face ball.
Gordon: I got the ball witht he trophy painted on it.
Chico: Shouldn't that be the other way round? :-)
Gordon: I have lots of those :)
Chico: you need a shelf or something.
Gordon: Right now, I have an armoire. The cabinet where the DVD's are
supposed to go are filled with my bowling plaques.
Chico: Nice.
Gordon: You've seen the armoire. Youve seen the plaques on the wall,
have you not?
Chico: I've seen'em. I didn't know it grew, though.
Gordon: Since you've been there, it's grown by 2 plaques and a glass
statuette and one big ass trophy
Chico: See? Now that we've gotten a snack, let the show resume with...
All That. NOT AGAIN! If you don't know by now, All That is a group of
cloggers from South Carolina. And they've been on the show before.
Gordon: Twice I believe
Chico: Yep
Gordon: Though I will say this - the judges are different than when they
auditioned on Season 1. The audition song, however, is the exact same.
Really?
Chico: Maybe third time's a charm with "Keep Your Hands to Yourself"...
it's the same thing. They're hoping we don't remember. ... Good luck
with that.
Gordon: Well in that case, when's Leonid the Magnificent going to come
out of retirement?
Chico: I don't know. Ask Jason.
Gordon: I'll ask him what his cousin is doing for the Summer.
Chico: you think they get out of Vegas this time out?
Gordon: Sharon says that she doesn't think she's seen this before. Oh
Sharon...
Chico: How quickly we forget. How is it we know, but she doesn't?
Anyway, they're going to Vegas. I betcha Sharon has the lightbulb moment
before then.
Gordon: I'd like to point out that All That on Season 1 got all the way
to the Finals and finished in third.
Chico: Why they were allowed to come back, I don't know.
Gordon: How can we not remember this? More importantly, how are they
allowed to audition again?
Chico: We'll be talking about this on the next WLTI. You can bet on
that.
Gordon: And we'll be All That.
Chico: Next, Alesya Gulevich is a hula hoop artist. And a rather fit
one. She's going to Vegas. Jonathan Hawley is a magician. Meanwhile, let
Jonathan's assistant out. and send her to Vegas. Next... Boss. They
are... dancers. Masculine and manly dancers... who dance to a Maroon 5
cover of Alicia Keys. Like the cover. Hate the dance. But that's just
me. They're going to Vegas.
Gordon: Dancers were sloppy and I don't see how they get out of Vegas -
but they are going.
Chico: I'm still shaking my head over All That. And if a couple of
losers like US can point out that they've done this before, then I don't
see how anyone else can miss this.
Gordon: The only thing I'm thinking is that they auditioned in Season 1
and the judges are all different.,
Chico: True.
Gordon: That being said, if I'm the Millers, Bianca Ryan, etc., I'm
auditioning again.
Chico: But there has to be a logical explanation.
Gordon: Or any Season 1 act. Heck, bring back QUick Change
Chico: Put a short post on their FB page. I'm waiting for a response.
ANYTHING BUT THAT!
Gordon: I liked Quick Change
Chico: So did I, but it means we have to hear David bitching.
Gordon: David's not on the show anymore. They can now hassle the Howie
Chico: No, the David in the act. Uh oh, we're back. And so are the ....
umm... well... what are these anyway?
Gordon: Fire eaters and tongue deplayers.
Chico: Anyway, Michael Griffin is an escape artist. This oughta be fun.
He says that he's the only human who's ever survived a hanging. What
happens if he doesn't?
Gordon: And now we have Michael Griffin
Chico: Howard's going to tie Michael up.
Gordon: I've seen this before.
Chico: And Michael will have the duration of his act to escape. You've
seen this before.
Gordon:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9TsGyJzcaf4
Chico: "Nick ties up Mariah every night." I bet he does. Oh. There's
where you've seen him. Well, it's funny, that's for sure. So Howard
takes his seat. Now Michael has 90 seconds to get out. And we've seen
enough. Even though he HAS indeed escaped in 26 seconds. Too bad he was
buzzed in 25.
Gordon: The judges wanted to see an expert tie him up. They wanted more.
Chico: I betcha they did. Three nos. Wasn't enough.
Gordon: Expect top see him next year, as everyone else will re-audition.
Chico: Of course.
Gordon: The sketch was more entertaining for Howard to be cracking
jokes. But I agree with the judges - it was a poor move and he should
have added some style, like a curtain or SOMEthing
Chico: it was just too much work for not enough payoff. But if you have
just the right amount of work for just the right amount of payoff,
youtube.com/AGT is where you need to go. Distinguished Men of Brass are
next... or as they're called... D'Mo BRASS! They are a marching band.
Gordon: And if you think you've seen them before - you're right.
Chico: Where, G?
Gordon: They have done Busch Gardens, as well as various football games.
Chico: It segues into "I Like It Like That" And it gets all salsa-y. The
Fourth Judge wants a ticket to Vegas. There you go. They're going from
Tampa to Vegas. And by the way... the marching men in black suits are
real
Gordon: Yes they are. You know Chico, I'm ready for my feel good moment
of the show now.
Chico: Good. Should I be scared? Someone wake that guy up. He's next.
Ulysses is a singer. He got the showbiz bug watching the Ed Sullivan
Show.
Gordon: He looks like he just got woke up and got out of his log.
Chico: So much for your feel-good moment. He sings... "The Love Boat
Theme". Oh god.
Gordon: Actulally, he's not half-bad. He's doing the Love Boat theme.,
Chico: The good news is...he's good. Not LEMJr. Good, but good.
Gordon: I strangely like this. Then again, I liked the guy who
repeatedly got kicked in the nuts.
Chico: You're a twisted individual. And Howard's had enough love. You
know, he looks a little like Isaac.
Gordon: I hate to say this, but if his schtick is to keep singing tv
theme show songs, he could be a legitimate dark horse to make the
finals.
Chico: Yes, but he'll never win
Gordon: You sure about that?
Chico: Howard says it's fun, but it's not a million dollar act. and I
agree with him.
Gordon: I think he could win.
Chico: He won't win. I think he could, but he won't.
Gordon: If he picks the right songs, He can. However, I don't think he
will.
Chico: Therein lies the rub.
Gordon: But I think he certainly could.
Chico: He needs to pick the right songs.
Gordon: If he does the TV theme song shtick - you hear how nuts the
audience went?
Chico: ... He's not going to sing "Hey Beautiful" or "Handbags and Glad
Rags".
Gordon: Jeffersons?
Chico: How I Met your Mother and the original UK Office.
Gordon: See, He needs to avoid The Addams Family.
Chico: Yeah.
Gordon: and Brady Bunch
Chico: But that's crazy enough to get him to Vegas.
Gordon: and everything that's oversung. I think he will make the Top 40.
Chico: Howard says no. Howie says yes Sharon says... Vegas.
Gordon: I think he's am absolute lock for the Top 40.
Chico: Now I want to hear "Where Everybody Knows Your Name"
Gordon: That would be a good choice - AND it's an NBC show.
Chico: Instead, we get a repreise of the Love Boat to sing us out. Until
tomorrow, that is.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m_wFEB4Oxlo
Chico: On a friendly shoooooooooooooore it's LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVE!"
Back to St. Louis next time. Good night, America1
To see tonight's episode in its entirety,
or to apply to be a contestant on the next season, go to
www.nbc.com/gottalent.
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