(C-Note: some of the acts that you are
about to read involve real danger in front of a live audience. They were
designed, practiced, and supervised by professionals, taking the
contestants' safety into full account. They are extremely dangerous and
should NEVER be attempted anywhere, by anyone, at any time.)
Gordon: This week, we hit NYC. This, of
course, is the land of Howard Stern, so he better be ready. Gordon
Pepper here, along with Chico Alexander.
Chico: What's up, dudes.
NEW YORK CITY
Chico: Last night, we heard one
question... What you gonna do? What you gonna do? What you gonna do?
Gordon: I'm gonna watch Tuesday's episode.
Chico: And we saw someone get repeatedly mutilated in the groinal area.
The question in my mind? ... How can we possibly top THAT?
Gordon: Howard Stern's mom and dad are here.
Chico: Hi, Howard's parents! Those who follow Howard know he loves to
make fun of his parents. First thing's first... Ronald Charles sings,
dances, and performs.
Gordon: ...and this is going to be bad. X
Chico: And counts. Count the Xs, suck-a-duck.
Gordon: Howie gives him a chance until he starts singing. Howard's dad
comes out to talk to Charles.
Chico: He's going to give Ronald a talking to. Big papa don't play
Ronald Charles isn't going to Vegas.... He's going to get help.
Following on the Get Help parade... a roller-disco pair.
Gordon: As good as yesterday was...this is how bad today is starting.
Chico: ... and mimes... That ironically speaks for itself.
Gordon: We have mimes lost on stage
Chico: AMERICA DOESN'T LIKE MIMES! And... this guy Rain Atlas makes it
rain pain with his guitar. Big Poppa Stern says NO. Will the circus of
the suck continue? Regrettably... yes. John Pizzi from Brooklyn has been
in the business for 28 years. He's performing with an iPad on stage.
What's the frequency, Kenneth? He's a comic ventriloquist. ... with a
Gordon: We've seen this before on Conan O'Brien. I liked Conan better.
Chico: It wasn't funny the first time. I swear if Howard makes a joke
about sexual tension between him and Howie... Aaaaaaand there it is. X
Gordon: I'm really hoping that when he comes back, he has something
Chico: So am I. He can't do much worse.
Gordon: Because you know he's going to come back. Howard loves the
originality. Apparently, Howard never saw Conan O Brien's show. Then
again, neither has anyone else anymore.
Chico: Three guesses... and Vegas. And iPad sales are through the roof!
No, not really. Next, married people in tights. This oughta be fun.
Donovan & Rebecca are acrobalance aerialists. That... is freaky. And
speaking of freaky, there's something sensual about an act like this.
Will they have more in Vegas?
Gordon: Well I'm not looking for more. I'm looking for less. As in less
Chico: You and Mariah DO NOT DO ALL THAT, Nick. Sharon says it was like
a love scene from a sci-fi movie. Prometheus. They're on their way to
the next round. Next up, Unity in Motion flip, contort, and dance their
way to Vegas.
Gordon: Ivy Rose gives us an Asian Rock and Roll band, which are ok, but
thanks to the parade of buzzes, they'll get through easy.
Chico: Ivy Rose become the second decent band to come out of NYC (they
sing "I Hate Myself For Loving You"). And now, we have... All-Beef
Patty. Singing "You and I" by Lady Gaga.
Gordon: Who sings...well?
Chico: I don't have to ask, but... man, baby? Doesn't really matter.
She's going to Vegas. Now for funny-ha-ha from Tom Cotter, a stand-up
regular on the NYC circuit. For 23 years he's been joking. "Comedians
don't generally do well in this competition." Wow. That's putting it
Gordon: If he looks familiar, he should. He was in Last Comic Standing
Chico: Remind us how he did. He keeps the laughs coming. His secret...
misdirection. That's the key to Vegas for him.
Gordon: He was actually better here than on LCS
Chico: Next up, this episode's sob story. Drugs. Kicking out. Raised by
grandmother. And channeling all that rage into his dance. Remember this
name, folks... Tyrese "Stepz" Green. He says he's an animation
specialist. This may be fun. Holy cow...
Gordon: Fun, but raw. I could see him on So You Think You Can Dance
Chico: He brought "Telephone" to life, that's for sure. He's got moves
that... I don't think I've EVER seen.
Gordon: He did. but we already saw a contortion-dancer earlier on this
season, and I thought he was better. Stepz however, has the better back
Chico: Howie thought his moves were unique. Howard doesn't see an
audience for this.: So once again, it's on Sharon. She does the fakeout
before sending Stepz through.
Gordon: Congratulations Stepz! You get the nice family heart-0warming
story before you get jettisoned in Vegas.
Chico: Hey Gordon... Blah blah blah YouTube show! Blah blah blah
Gordon: Blah blah!
Chico: Down to the last act... Savage Men. No seriously, they're
called Savage Men. What do they do? They take their clothes off to
LMFAO's "Sexy and I Know It". Howie's done...
Gordon: Actually, they're not even doing that
Chico: They're not doing much of anything. Sharon's the only one
enjoying this. THE ONLY ONE!
Gordon: Sharon lets them finish the act, to a medley of boos
Chico: Howard wants to throw down. Here we go.
Gordon: AND HOWARD IS DANCING. MY EYES.
Chico: I don't like humanity anymore. Needless to say, the Savage Men
are being thrown back into the bush. Which can be a good thing or a bad
thing depending on how you take it. Actually, it's up to Sharon. She
says... no. It's over, boys. And so is this show. And so is our time in
New York. Okay, Gordon... explain New York to the rest of the class.
Gordon: It's the best place in the world Full of freaks and pure
Chico: And we saw it all tonight. Next week, we're going to Florida, New
York's waiting room. Or the place where New York goes to die.
Gordon: It's the place where everyone goes to get eaten by gators
Chico: And mosquitoes. See you there. Until then, don't get kicked in
the horse's nuts.
Chico: Good night and good talent, America.
To see tonight's episode in its entirety,
or to apply to be a contestant on the next season, go to