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Auditions 3
May 21
(C-Note: some of the acts that you are
about to read involve real danger in front of a live audience. They were
designed, practiced, and supervised by professionals, taking the
contestants' safety into full account. They are extremely dangerous and
should NEVER be attempted anywhere, by anyone, at any time.)
Gordon: This week, we hit NYC. This, of
course, is the land of Howard Stern, so he better be ready. Gordon
Pepper here, along with Chico Alexander.
Chico: What's up, dudes.
NEW YORK CITY
Hammerstein Ballroom
Gordon: After the intros, we start with The Flyte Cru, which is a white
B-boy version of Acrodunk. You remember Acrodunk, right?
Chico: I remember Acrodunk, yeah. And they're not all lily white boys.
Gordon: I remember them sucking in Round 2 and getting the foul out.
Chico: But yeah, they look more like football players. Flyte Cru, you
are clear for takeoff.
Gordon: You know what would be more fun? If they used bowling balls.
THAT would take talent.
Chico: No, dude... if they did it with hockey. THAT would be different.
Gordon: I'd like hockey.
Gordon: They were good - but again, did they set the bar? I have to
agree with Howie and say no.
Chico: No. Not even close.
Gordon: Stern says yes, so it's down to Sharon, who of course, will say
yes.
Chico: It's up to Sharon... They're going to Vegas. Where they will be
promptly asked to leave. Next is an aerialist named Max.
Gordon: Max the aerialist will join them. In I think both going to Vegas
and making an early exit.
Chico: Also joining them, the New York Irish Dance Compnay. Can I just
say it now... LOOK OUT! PUTTIES! (They looked like the Putty Patrol from
the original "Power Rangers").
Gordon: Which look like an Irish Jabberwockies.
Chico: They're through.
Gordon: We get a little pianist
Chico: Jason Cordero, a pint-sized pianist, will also join them.
Pint-sized pianist, Gordon.
Gordon: Not short on talent though
Chico: Next up, let's get money with a pint-sized rapper. Amir is
his name. He's 7 years old.
Gordon: Amir wants to be a big talent. I'm not too convinced on the
intro. This could be bad. We haven't any X's yet, have we, Chico?
Chico: This could be terrible if what I read is right. And I have no
reason to believe that it isn't Mir Money takes the stage.
Gordon: Mir Money is from PA.
Chico: Philly, to be exact.
Gordon: He's going to rap and I think we're going to have our first
train wreck.
Chico: Drop the beat.
Gordon: Unfortunately, I'd like to drop the act.. X
Chico: So would Howard.
Gordon: Howard agrees with me and X's him.
Chico: Sharon thinks he's cute, though.
Gordon: not cute enough - she X's him.
Chico: I give him another year or so. But that was rough. Nick
walks in before Howie can start a fire.
Gordon: I hate to be the hater here...um no, who am I fooling. I love
this part. If you go on the stage, you give what you get.
Chico: You know what you're getting yourself into. And... Mir Money
cries.
Gordon: Mir is crying and Howard has to come to the stage and hug him.
Chico: This is gonna... yeah
Gordon: I'll give him points for bravery. Howard says he doesn't want to
do this job any more.
Chico: Hold me... hold me Howard. Make my problems go away. Thank you. I
still suck at rapping, but my problems go away.
Gordon: They thank him for being there - and as you can see, we're not
going to get any yes's or noes.
Chico: If I can get on my soapbox for a moment... What kind of parent
lets a 7-year-old go out and do THAT?
Gordon: Hward can't buzz out any more 7 year olds. Howard wants to go
back to radio. Nick finally gets Mir back on the happy wagon and Howard
feels sorry for him. We go back to the judges and Howard says yes - but
Sharon and Mandel say no, so goodbye, 7 year old. Howard has to hit the
button - and to be honest, I think he did the right thing here.
Chico: Now the story is... Howard gets the panel to reverse course. But
on the day he is set to leave for Vegas, the original decision stands.
That's the story.
Gordon: Well its the right call. He's not going to make the Top 40 and
Sharon is 100% right. Let him get over it this way....until of course
,he sees himself on TV and has to relive the whole experience again.
Chico: Back to business, meet Olate Dogs. Baba Booey sign in the
back.
Gordon: This show is going to the dogs.
Chico: Literally
Chico: Hey, if a dog can win BGT...
Gordon: You know in Britain's Got Talent this year, the winning act was
a dog act.
Chico: So we have some dancing... Now we have a bunch of dogs doing
different things.
Gordon: Sharon just wants to steal a dog.
Chico: This believe it or not... is an act that can sustain itself.
Gordon: We FINALLY get a good dog act. Is it going to win America's AGT?
no.
Chico: I mean, just keep teaching old dogs new tricks and you'll be
fine.
Gordon: But this could actually get out of Round 1.
Chico: Could it get closer than any animal act ever? Probably. And
they're rescues. That's nice.
Gordon: This is the first animal act that Howard has said yes to.
Chico: How many times is Howard going to use the word "nudnik?"
Gordon: 2 more yes's and they go to Vegas.
Chico: Hey Gordon! Did you know you can go to YouTube.com/AGT and submit
an act for the Snapple YouTube show?
Gordon: No, but I bet you're goig to tell me.
Chico: I just did! Speaking of animals, next is Horse.
Gordon: We haven't seen any real bad acts yet.
Chico: I think he'll be first.
Gordon: but not to fear, Horse is here.
Chico: But "they call him Nasty".
Gordon: Horse's talent is...getting kicked in the nads.
Chico: Getting kicked in the twig and berries. Or rather, acquiring
injuries... to the twig and berries.
Gordon: and getting tormented. It's Jackass on Stage
Chico: Horse's nuts! Horse... is NUTS!
Gordon: I.,...actually liked this.
Chico: There's a new exclamation. "HORSE'S NUTS!"
Gordon: Strangely enough, I want to see more of this.
Chico: I bet you do, you sick minded individual.
Gordon: And Nick comes out and kicks him in the nads 3 times for good
measure.
Gordon: Howard loves the whole Jackass vibe and says yes.
Chico: He's done 63 in a row.
Gordon: Howie doesn't think there's going to be a third little girl.
Chico: No.
Gordon: And yes, they are going to Vegas.
Chico: That boat has been kicked. Twice.
Gordon: If they expanded the scene, they could be a ....dark horse.
Chico: That's one I haven't heard before.
Gordon: Am I that much of a sick puppy saying I enjoyed that?
Chico: Yes. Next up, another band. And.... be off with you. And ANOTHER
BAND!
Gordon: and it's a Black Sabbath impersonation band
Chico: And... on your bikes, son. Will backpack pop culture arena rap
win the day. Let's meet Wordspit and the Illest. Reminds me of Common
meets Maroon 5
Gordon: It's psychedelic rap which I'm not getting into. I actually like
the band, but the rapping doesn't really fit with it.
Chico: With a fiddle. They switch to "In the Air Tonight".;. It's a good
band.
Gordon: I do like Mr. Reeves the math teacher singing. I need more of
that and less rapping.
Chico: It's different. Not top 10 caliber YET. But totes Vegas caliber,
this according to the Fourth Judge (TM)
Gordon: I liked the band a lot, but they need to create something that
fits the rap and music combined. Howie says this was one of the best
moments of America's Got Talent. I vehemently disagree.
Chico: Well, it's not the best, but it's good. I would've said yes as
well. The judges agree, and they're on their way.
Gordon: It is good. They need to be better.
Chico: I think they can be better
Gordon: I agree with it.
Chico: Next, Burton Crane from the UWS of Manhattan. 77 years young.
Does yoga, Pilates, and calisthenics. But that's not his talent.
Gordon: It's near the end of the show, so he's going to be a hit, and
I'm going to cringe.
Chico: Either that or he's going to bomb colossally. Burton... raps. In
fact, he claims to be the grandfather of rap.
Gordon: He's the grandfather of rap.
Chico: On a Casio.
Gordon: If you stuck a C in front of it, it'll be more accurate. X.
Chico: He raps like craps. Bring back Granny G. Yeah, you can do just
that Burton. You eat that cake, sir.
Gordon: (cringes) This makes me sad.
Chico: These are YOUR PEOPLE, Gordon. What the judges are gonna do? What
they gonna do? What they gonna do?
Gordon: Howie tries to get America to go What' You Gonna Do?' I'm more
like 'When's this gonna end?'
Chico: In about three minutes after the judges say yes. ... What you
gonna do.
Gordon: I am not responsible for this travesty of an act making it to
Vegas.
Chico: I hope not.
Gordon: ok a note to producers - trying to force feed an obviously
unfunny act down our throats is NOT a way to get us talking about an act
the next day. Something real, like the crying kid. THAT'S what's going
to get people talking.
Chico: And that's gonna end the show for the night, but we'll be back
tomorrow as AGT continues to make the Big Apple... into pie.
To see tonight's episode in its entirety,
or to apply to be a contestant on the next season, go to
www.nbc.com/gottalent.
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