|
Almost
American Gladiators
August 7
Last time, the seven remaining comedians
took a bite out of each other... and then another... and then another...
until Mo was named "The Biggest Chubby". That decision left Tiffany
tossing her cookies and getting tossed. But tonight, they're going to
work off that fat when they're thrown into the heat of battle in our
version of the green card process.
Tonight, Reality Bites Back presents... Almost American Gladiators.
Michael's joined in the booth tonight by fellow comic Jack Gordon, as
they watch (from the safety of said booth) fences being jumped, vans
being stuffed, and INS agent being... well, INS agents. Let's meet the
contenders...
Bert Kreischer
Theo Von
Amy "The Puma" Schumer
Chris Fairbanks
Mo Mandel
Red Grant
Now let's meet the bigger and braver men and women trying to keep them
out of the America Dome... the Border Patrol Agents!
USA-hole - Self-explanatory
2nd Amendment Mike - also self-explanatory
Teetz - .... ask your parents, kids.
XK-39 - robot
First event is called... the Applicator. Contenders will have one minute
to get as many green card applications into their scoring drums. The
Agents will do everything they can to stop them.
After a minute of girl-on-girl action, unnecessary roughness, and
(switching to Jack Barry mode) Entendre... a Joker... and a TRIPLE!
(Jack Barry mode off), Theo is crazy winded...
The two people with the lowest number of applications are Amy and Chris.
Who will go on to face elimination? Amy. She'll have to cower in the
bushes before she can figure out who she'll face in the American Dream
Crusher.
Second event... the Wall of Fortune. Throw babies... over a wall, atop
which stand all three agents. Once you get all of your babies over, you
have to climb it over yourself. Last person over will face Amy in the
American Dream Crusher.
After a well-engineered commercial break and a chance to recover from
some mildly overt racism... Chris is first over the wall. Then a
complete mélange of Mo, Theo, and Bert, leaving Red to give one of the
best post-competition interviews ever seen on television... and to face
Amy in...
The American Dream Crusher!
First up, the Immigrater, where you must maneuver past 2nd Amendment
Mike into a rusty old van, then it's onto Old Man River, where you have
to get across while fending off the teats of Teetz. Then scale the fence
in "Suba la Cerca", then dodge USA-Hole's briefcase of doom to reach the
finish line. First person to do that will answer a question from the
Sudden Death Citizenship Test.
Scumer's first out of the van, then Red beats her in the water and
crosses the finish line first. So Red Grant will have the first shot at
the Sudden Death Citizenship Test in our parody within a parody... "Are
You Smarter Than an Immigrant?"
Michael will ask questions from the actual United States Citizenship
Test. First person to get a question right will be safe from
elimination. The second person to get a question right... won't be.
Red's first question... Who wrote the Star Spangled Banner? "I'm gonna
say... George Washington." WRONG. It was Francis Scott Key.
Amy's first question... Who said, "Give me liberty, or give me death"?
"I don't usually trust people with two first names, but Patrick
Henry..." RIGHT! Amy's safe!
Red is going home this week.
Good thing for him, because he doesn't have to practice lunges, flips,
or belly flops. That's right, America, the final five are about to dive
in "So You Think You Can Dive" next week... when reality bites back. |
