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Big Mother
(or "Extreme Manipulation: House Edition")
July 17
Imagine a world where your biggest
realities become reality.... Imagine 10 comedians put through the
wringer on twisted revisions of your favorite reality shows. Imagine one
of them winning $1,000,000 (give or take $950,000). Imagine what would
happen if Game Show Marathon was actually decent. Imagine a duck stuck
under a truck. Imagine Lindsay Lohan naked doing a crab walk.
Now quit imagining and read on...
Let's meet the comedians....
Kyle Cease; 30; comedian
Chris Fairbanks; ??; comedian
Jeff Garcia; ??; comedian
Red Grant; ??; comedian
Tiffany Haddish; ??; comedienne
Bert Kreischer; ??; comedian
Mo Mandel; ??; comedian
Donnell Rawlings; ?? comedian and friend of Dave Chappelle
Amy Schumer; 27; comedienne and reality ho
Theo Vonkurnatowski; 28; comedian and reality ho
Our first stop... a rented house in Encino outfitted with eight cameras.
The comic enter the Extreme Manipulation House Edition... house... for
the first time. Theo wants to win to get out of debt and get a (better)
apartment. Tiffany grew up in foster care; she lived with 15 "bitches on
their period", so this is nothing new for her. Mo says he's not going to
be a lame unoriginal reality player... right before he puts on his
Flavor Flav hat. Amy says she should win because she's spoiled and
white. Donnell is "doing it for the Rock". Jeff has no interests because
he's married with children. Red says he's an ugly dude with cute
features.
First challenge will have them wooing a potential mate in a darkened
room using nightvision cameras.
Donnell is first, and openly professes his want to be performed on
orally, when all of a sudden... "OH MY GOD! MA, YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO
BE HERE!" That's right. They'll be seducing their parents.
Theo's Native American warbler, Chris's boner, Red's spirits, Amy's
standards, Mo's kisses, and Tiffany's fat cat all go away rather
quickly. In Kyle's case, however, his mom couldn't make it to the show,
so we have a stand in...
... a bikini model with nice'uns. Oh to be her kid.
Day 2... and one player has already called it quits... Two words: bye
Jeff.
Anyway, onto the next challenge: Dirty Laundry. How well do the parents
know their kids? Let's find out, because the winner will select two
people to head to the cutting board. One of them will be asked to leave.
Note: Kyle's "mom" Tabitha has the correct responses on her cards as
furnished his real mom.
1) What is your child's "substance" of choice? Donnell, Amy, and Tiffany
are eliminated.
2) How many times have your child witnessed you fornicating? Chris and
Kyle are eliminated.
3) How many drinks does it take your child to get drunk. Winner: Theo
(and Theo's mom).
Now Theo gets to do two things... a) be a real (^_^), and 2) nominate
two people for elimination. Those people... Donnell ("Yes, I WON!")..
and Kyle ("The guy that doesn't know how to spell is in charge.").
But here's another twist, as the decision will be left to the moms, dad,
grandma, and random bikini model. They will be voting on which
contestant will be disowned and BANNED FROM TELEVISION FOREVER!
After the break, the votes come back... Kyle... will not be voted off...
yet... Donnell... is the man. NOW Kyle's getting voted off. Pack your
mom and leave.
Outside the EMHE house, Kyle spills his crap all over the staircase.
Next time, the eight remaining players will have to woo... all of this.
It's the "Shock of Love" next time, when Reality Bites Back. Until
then... DON'T GET ELIMINATED. |
