Game Show NewsNet - The Amazing Race: Family Edition

"Go Mommy, Go! We Can Beat Them! - Leg 1" - September 27

FAIRMONT PARK, PHILADELPHIA, PENNSYLVANIA, USA

GOOOOOOOOOOOD MORNIN', AIELLO, WEAVER AND GAGHAN FAMILIES! Oh...wait...this ain't Extreme Makeover: Home Edition for crying out loud. Anyway, at the crack of 10am in a slight drizzle, those three teams depart the Belmont Plateau, hop into their SUVs and rip open the following clue:

ROUTE INFO:

Tony Brubaker has a farm in Mount Joy, Pennsylvania (about 92 miles away). Drive to Mount Joy and find the Brubaker farm to get the next clue.

After a prayer for safe driving, the Weavers head out in first. Fortunately, they, the Aiellos and the Gaghans quickly find out that Route 76 will take them to Mount Joy and head off in the right direction (for once). A half-hour later, The Bransens, Schroeders and Rogers head off. The Rogers are a little lost...and, yet, the two Louisiana teams allow THEM to lead the convoy towards Mount Joy. (Jeff Foxworthy was right; the Southerns can't keep the dumbest of their lot off the television).

It's 11am so...[Rich Fields]HERE IT COMES! From Philadelphia, television's most idiotic Racers! Blacks, Linzes, Godlewskis and Paolos, C'MON DOWN! YOU are the last four contestants on "Who'll be Eliminated First?"![/Rich Fields] The Linzes follow the "Pink Ladies"...with Alex totally "harrumph"ing on Tricia's pony-tailed looks. The Blacks follow the Linzes. And the Paolos...well, they yell at each other some more about mathematics and THEN follow the Blacks to...

MOUNT JOY, PENNSYLVANIA, USA

The Weavers are first to Mount Joy...which seems to be the "Amish Paradise" that "Weird Al" Yankovic ripped off Coolio's song (allegedly) to sing about. They find the Brubaker's farm and find themselves at the Race's first:

DETOUR: Build It or Buggy It?

BUILD IT - Using only the tools and parts provided, make a replica of the town's watermill. Once an Amish elder has deemed the replica worthy, he will give you your next clue.
BUGGY IT - Two team members must push a buggy along a mile-and-a-half course while the other two ride inside the buggy. Once you finish the course, you will receive your next clue.

The Weavers quickly decide to Buggy It, thinking that they're strong. As they find the buggy and prepare to haul, the Aiellos show up, screeching that another team is there. THEY decide to Buggy It as well. When the Weavers find the buggy and Rachel calls it cute, Rebecca and Linda hit the inside while Rachel and Rolly play the part of horses. The Aiellos have Kevin and David pulling and pushing while Tony and Matt ride. Then come the Gaghans, and they ALSO Buggy It. The light kids go into the buggy while the parents push them.

Then things go downhill...LITERALLY. See, nobody bothered to mention that part of the course was down a hill. And, as such, the buggy starts catching up with Libnda, who had switched places with the winded Rachel. Rolly tries to stop it...but a barn ran right out in front of him...and the buggy ran OVER Linda! OUCH! The buggy eventually slows to a stop...and the kids have a horrible sense of deja vu, thinking that their mother could be lost to them the same way their father was...except with a much slower and lighter vehicle. But Linda's all right...though the buggy is toast. They decide, after a breather, to go back and try Build It instead. Meanwhile, the Aiellos learn from this mishap and keep it slow going downhill. As the Weavers head back, they warn the Gaghans to "check their brakes".

Weeeeeeeee...the Gaghan kids have FUN going down the hill while the wrecked Weavers start building the water mill. As they do, the Bransens arrive at Mount Joy, though they have troubles finding the farm. They're hoping someone else took a wrong turn.

Coincidentally, we see that the Schroeders and Rogers have, indeed, not taken the left turn at the Albuquerque Diner and may not even be going the right way. Uh,...YIKES. The Linzes steadily drive the right way, the Godlewskis find the exit, the Blacks are still heading towards there...and the Paolos...are trying to calm Marion after she swats at a bug on her arm.

The Linzes and Godlewskis are next to arrive at the DETOUR, with the Bransens close behind. The brothers Linz outvote the sister and they choose Buggy It. But the sisters Godlewski and the father-and-daughters Bransen decide to Build It instead. The Build It families wish each other luck while the Linzes head for the buggies, Megan and Tommy in the cab, Nick and Alex on the pull. And Tommy...he's got gas. EWWWWW!

The stubborn Aiellos refuse to switch out, even though the father-in-law probably weighs half-again as much as any of the sons-in-law. More than once, Tony has asked to take over...but David will have none of it! This allows the Gaghans to catch up to the huffing and puffing Aiellos.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch...er, farm, the Weavers are working on the paddlewheel of their watermill while the roof is raised on both the Godlewski and the Bransen mills. And that's when the Blacks arrive. Now, despite having INFINITELY lighter children to haul in a buggy, the Blacks decide to Build It instead. O...kay, I can see the logic in letting an 8-year-old help in the construction of a tall watermill, sure.

Aaaaaand our "horses" are coming 'round the half-way point and are struggling to get back UP the hill. And it's the Gaghans still out in front, Carissa sparking the sibling rivalry that laid dormant until now. And it's the Aiellos getting getting a confidence boost by the Gaghans...aaaand Feedlebaum!

Cue "Linus & Lucy"...the Schroeders are here! (You knew THAT one was comin', right?) Deciding that "a mile and a half is a long-ass way" (or so says Char), they decide to Build It. The Rogers are a bit disappointed that they've arrived in 9th...but they go for Build It as well. And the Paolos... they're in last (shock of shocks) and THEY decide to build.

The Linzes reach the hill and see the turnaround point in the distance... and they start to wonder why in the hell they didn't go for Build It instead. Nick looks exhausted and Alex isn't in much better shape. "This is not good," said by Megan, sums it up nicely.

The watermills are coming together quite nicely back on the farm. As you may have guessed, the Weavers are the first to drive the last nails in and make the wheel turn. The Amish elder approves and, after an uncomfortable hug by Rolly, gives them their final clue of the leg:

ROUTE INFO - PIT STOP:

Drive to the next PIT STOP: the Rohrer family farm 17 miles down Blue Rock Road in Lancaster, PA. You'll know that you're near the farm by the two large blue silos. WARNING:The last team to check-in will be ELIMINATED!

With a screech that could shatter windows in Jersey, the Weavers get up and haul ass. They decide to take the 238 to Lancaster. Meanwhile, the sisters Godlewski finish THEIR wheel and wheel their OWN cute asses towards Lancaster. THEY decide to head back the same way they came in. So...who was right?

Aaaaaaand DOWN DA STRETCH THE GAGHANS COME! The parents are not only EX-hausted but A-through-Z-hausted as they make it to the end and get the clue from the nice Amish lady. They depart in third, almost unaware that two Build It-ers are ahead of them.

The Bransens are next to finish the mill and get the clue. But, as they depart in fourth, Walter has the strangest feeling that they're headed the wrong way. I guess only time will tell. The Aiellos, likewise pooped from the long haul, finish the DETOUR and leave in fifth, tailing the Bransens (for better or for worse). Meanwhile, around the turn and heading for home are the Linzes...minus the pound or so of contents in Tommy's stomach.

Where the hell is Blue Rock Road? That's what the Weaver are wondering. They were so concerned about their mother's health that they totally forgot to look at the map and make sure they're going the right way. Are they?! They haven't a clue. Linda starts to pray that the Lord guides them in the right direction. (I am just WAITING for her to pray, "For God so loved the Weavers that they gave them a million dollars...")

And what of the Godlewskis? Why, they're arguing about whether they're going the right way, of course. One says Route 283, another says Rte. 230. Truth be told, they're ALL a little clueless (big surprise, right?) but just hope they're going right.

The Gaghans are getting excited on the drive as well, hoping they're in first when they arrive at...

PIT STOP: ROHRER FAMILY FARM, LANCASTER, PENNSYLVANIA, USA

In the midst of Amish county (where, undoubtedly, everyone is nervous as all hell at all the cameras) stands an Amish person (most likely Mr. Rohrer), Phil Keoghan, a red, yellow and black mat and two blue silos. An SUV pulls up, four family members exit and run like crazy towards them. After a traditional welcome by the Mennonite, Phil gives his OTHER mantra:

"Welcome, Godlewskis,...you are TEAM NUMBER ONE!"

The screams nearly blow out the sound truck, I'm sure. After about 30 seconds of this, Phil interrupts their squealing with some news that is sure to induce MORE squealing: as winners of this leg, they've won... TWENTY...THOUSAND...DOLLARS! *SCREAM!* *Pops from woofers and tweeters blowing out!* Shame Phil can't get another word in edgewise what with the sisters talking over each other constantly.

The Weavers and the Gaghans arrive and just about the same time...and the foot race is on! Yeah...like it's even a CONTEST! The Gaghans are MARATHON runners, for crying out loud! The Gaghans are Team #2 and the Weavers Team #3 by about a minute or two.

While the Aiellos and Bransens srive around in the hopes of finding those Smurf-esque silos, back at the Brubakers', the Rogers afix their wheel while the Blacks struggle with only having three people working on it (Austin is busy looking like a deer in the headlights of an oncoming Formula One racer). The Schroeders are almost done, though they're sure they're missing something. And the Paolos...they argue while they BUILD! YEEEESH! The arguing is mostly centetred around the brothers. This is, beyond a doubt, THE most dysfunctional family this side of the Simpsons!

The Rogers get their wheel a-spinning and depart in sixth to Lancaster, upsetting the Schroeders considerably. Meanwhile, the Linzes are STILL on the buggy course...and Nick and Alex STILL refuse to give up their places. And the Schroeder's wheel STILL isn't working. Mark tries to hammer it loose...but it takes a whack or two from Char to get in moving. And that gets THEM moving out in seventh, leaving the Blacks, Linzes and Paolos behind. Not for TOO long, though. The Paolos... SOMEHOW get their wheels a-spinning first and leave in eighth. DJ and Brian rag on their mother for her apparant stupidity and inform "Mom" that they don't CARE how embarrassing they are because she's being ANNOYING! Yeah...ya think Tony wishes he had the "little snip" before the honeymoon?!

The Rogers find their way to the mat and are proclaimed Team # 4. Team # 5 is the Schroeders. And the Paolos...I swear, you're not gonna believe this...they're Team # 6! Marion is FINALLY able to shut DJ up by saying, "I sucked it up for the team!"

The Blacks are close to finishing their mill... except for the fact that Austin trips while bringing the water and can't seem to get out of a puddle. So much for the "cuteness" being an asset, right? As they FINALLY get their wheel turning...the absolutely spent Linzes arrive. As both teams pull out, they wish each other luck. And you better believe they BOTH need it!

Team #7: Bransens.

Team #8: Aiellos.

At first, the Linzes decide to follow the Blacks and win the footrace to the mat. Then they decide that the Blacks are going the wrong way and head east, trying to out-navigate them instead. Megan is the only one not liking the idea.

The sun is starting to drop. Phil does his usual "look over there" deal to Mr. Rohrer. A team, praying heavily as they pant, hit the mat. And Phil says...

"Welcome, Linzes. (beat) You're team number nine!"

Alex is stunned! Megan is ecstatic! And Tommy and Nick are FREAKING! They don't even seem to CARE that some kids beat them! However, they DO vow never to do physical challenges again (unless, of course, it's the only option).

Unfortunately, the 15th Amendment has been repealed for this Race. The only colored family out of ten jog to the PIT STOP and receive the bad news from Phil: they're last and they're history. But, hey, no regrets. Reggie, Kimberly, Kenneth and Austin tried their best...and they're proud to be together and to have gone the...er,...200 or so miles in the Race.

(200 miles?! What happened to the usual Transatlantic 8000-mile trek to start the OTHER Races. And the commercials said they'd be travelling about 11,000 miles. Unless they're going through the Earth's core, no WAY they're circumnavigating the globe again!)