Auditions: New York - June 26

Gordon: We hear the dulcet tones of 'Living in America' we are back. We are of course in my hometown, NYC, the land of the freaks. We get freaky with a contortionist that licks his own butt. As I was saying, we have freaks. Piers has to turn the other way. David calls it American Entertainment. 'I couldn't watch it, but I enjoyed it'. Piers doesn't call it entertainment. David and Sharon vote yes, so it doesn't matter what Piers says
Don: Now that was flexible.
Gordon: And we get our first YES for the evening. I'm Gordon Pepper and alongside me is Don 'Donut' Harpwood here for the ride.
Don: Yo.
Gordon: Benz raps. Byrain sings. They call themselves ABenz. I call themselves... X.
Don: They can stop now. X
Gordon: Thanks to the judges, they do stop now. Piers likes the singing. Hates the rapping. Sharon doesn't call it original, but loves Byrain's voice. David loves Byrain and asks his to sing solo. Byrain says that he...will come back later. He is doing this for his wife and kids, while the rapper takes off.
Don: Without Benz, I think Byrain stands a better chance.
Gordon: As long as he brings it, I think he's in. It's his last chance - as well as everyone else's last chance, because this is the last stop on the tour. Sunshine is next. If Sunshine looks familiar, she's been on 1 vs. 100. She was also on Tyra Bank's Talent search
Don: I didn't know that...
Gordon: She was horrific on the Talent Search. Fortunately, she has improved - she can get a few melodic lyrics in. A few. X
Don: X
Gordon: We get flopped dancing, bad ventriloquism, a male stripper, and an opera singer on a horse. Dave - "America's Got Dysfunctional Talent"
Don: Lol
Gordon: We are looking for Functional talent. Will Odysy be the bill? They do Beat Boxing while singing Mary J. Blige's 'Real Love'. And rapping. I've seen it done before - and better. Piers X's them, as do I. X. However, they get through their act, and maybe they will advance, but they were not in tune. Piers agrees. Dave says yes. Piers says no. Sharon says that they are not ready yet...but she advances them.
Don: They really need to practice, and do better next time.
Gordon: They go nuts on stage and they say that they are going somewhere. I happen to think that they are better off if they got a 'No' and came back singing better next season. Next up - someone who won't be getting to AGT singing, because he's a comedian. Philadelphia (yes, that's his name) plays the racism card. Katrina was so bad that Cuba helped. That's like the KKK giving a donation to the NAACP. He's talking about people going down - like Monica Lewinsky going down on Bill Clinton. Not my cup of tea - but - the judges all want Philadelphia to come to Vegas. We get dancers, Italian comedians, a Stomp-Like group called Italian Street all going down to Vegas. Robert Hatcher also gets to go by singing his way in. Shad-Dai, a duo of singing twins, looks to keep the streak rolling.
Don: Doesn't sound good to me. X
Gordon: Shad-Dai sings..out of tune. They want one more song.
Don: Oh boy, begging...
Gordon: They promise better singing. Sharon wants to give them another shot. David says that if he gives them another shot, he has to give everyone another shot, and it's a no. They complain that they weren't given another chance, but I have to agree with the judges. You don't get 2 shots at this.
Don: Indeed. Giving them another shot would be unfair to others, others who only got one shot.
Gordon: The only person who got all of those chances was Leonid the Magnificent, and we saw how magnificent that turned out to be.
Don: Speaking of whom, I thought I heard a mention of him in the opening of today's show...
Gordon: I thought I did, too. He couldn't be allowed to come back, could he?
Don: I'd have hoped not...
Gordon: Next up...Sexy Techno Boy, who wants to be Music Royalty. I'm sensing flashbacks of Idol reject Ian Bernardo here. After watching him perform, I take that back. I liked Ian Bernardo better. X.
Don: Ditto. X
Gordon: So far the act consists of his breathing loudly, rapping badly in the microphone and doing somersaults and jumping jacks.
Don: Somebody stop this guy, please!
Gordon: Sharon, inexplicably, hasn't hit her buzzer. He screams into the mike, and THAT ends it, mercifully. David calls him the little boy dancing in his own world. Sexy agrees that it's him and he loves Shannon. Sexy says that he should have lip synced. He probably would have Lip Sucked.
Don: lol
Gordon: Luca is bringing a dance squad in. The catch - he has a disease that
stops him from using his legs.
Gordon: The group is called Lazy Legs and Ill-matic Styles. They do crazy dancing. I don't think it's good enough for a million, but Luca and his legless push-ups should push them into the next round.
Don: It was certainly interesting.
Gordon: Piers says that he personifies the best of America, and he says 'Yes'. The other judges follow suit, and off to Vegas they go. The Great Throwdini likes to throw knives...
Don: This could be scary...
Gordon: Jerry likes to be a part of the act - and comes in with a head bandage. Heh. What wasn't so funny - he misses a spot and gets an X from Piers. He
nails the rest of them.
Don: I was scared when that one knife dropped...
Gordon: The great Throwdini also throws Tomahawks and Machetes. David says no. Sharon says yes. Piers agrees with....Sharon and maybe he can throw cards in Vegas. Next up...The 3 Redneck Tenors. They combine comedy with singing. This is either going to be really good...or really bad. This winds up being...pretty good. They can sing in tune. They were actually dead on pitch the entire performance. I was impressed.
Don: Quite enjoyable.
Gordon: So are the judges. They also advance to Vegas. Piers, 'I never thought that I would say that the best of the bunch were a bunch of rednecks'. And that ends day 1 in NYC. But Wait! we have Day 2! And we have more classical musicians. They are the 'Hand Band'. 2 Classical Tenors and a guy dressed as a giant hand. They are the Pennsylvania Hand Band. We saw earlier on this season that a person playing the hand got buzzed earlier.
Don: The Xs sounded in tune with the music.
Gordon: He says that they are the only groups that do what they do. Uh...not if you were watching 2 weeks ago.
Gordon: Then we get a montage of the acts talking back, either bashing David or Piers.
Gordon: Then we see...oh no....
Don: Uh-oh...
Gordon: LEONID THE MAGNIFICENT (AKA Jason Block's long lost brother) IS BACK!
Don: NOOOOOOOOOOO!
Gordon: (Brings back the Fear Factor Chuck Bucket). Want it?
Don: Yeah. *Throws up*
Gordon: Leonid says that he will never give up. He brings in 2 girls with chains. He dances with them, holding a giant mace. They dance and do somersaults. The men X him quickly. A long sheet comes down for him to finish the act on, but he screws it up, gets tangled in the rope, and loses his headpiece. Sharon keeps him around just to see the finish. David, 'No, no, no, no,' Piers 'Just to clarify, you liked the act, David'
Don: Heh.
Gordon: Sharon thinks he looks great hosting the next gay parade. David says that if they put him through, he quits. Leonid tells David to go to hell. Leonid quivers as Piers says.....Yes?
Don: GAAHHHH!
Gordon: David says that Leonid belongs in a mental institution, and The Hoff leaves. 'You can be out of your mind and have aggressive behavior and move on to the next round. What's the point?' Now keep in mind that we already have Man-Kira in the next round. And now Jason Block's long lost brother joins them. You done with the bucket yet, Don?
Don: Yeah, I think I've emptied out my stomach, there...
Gordon: Give it to David. He has left the set. And now, after playing to the crowd, he's back. Sadness. Next up, we have a singer with no singing lessons and no singing experience from Maryland. Julienne Irwin, from Bel Air, MD, will be very good - or very bad. She's a bit raw around the edges, but she does a good job with the song 'How Will I Live Without You?'. She handles the key changes fairly well.
Don: Nice.
Gordon: She changes into her falsetto very well. She will get in easy. Her mom cries backstage. They all say its raw talent, but its talent, and she gets in 3-0. From a 14 year old...to a 60+ year old. Jerry Green is a former 3 time juggling champion.
Don: Oops.
Gordon: The assistant dances. Piers buzzes, and Jerry gets thrown off by it and drops his balls. Ouch. He redeems himself with juggling firesticks. Piers says that the woman dances like she does at his aunt's wedding. All 3 judges shoot them down, and for 60 years of juggling, I was expecting more.
Don: Same here.
Gordon: We have a 'Pray'formance from Thoth, because he feels oppressed by society. I don't see this audition helping Thoth feeling less about the oppressive society. X
Don: X
Gordon: And once again, Sharon stops us from ending the madness and pain.
Don: The crowd is booing...
Gordon: Sharon keeps him through the 90 seconds. Piers - 'You wandered around, looking ridiculous making a wailing noise' Thoth says that he invented the language and that gets David outs of his seat hoping for Apocalypto now.
Don: lol
Gordon: Piers says no. Sharon says yes, but David keeps us in the realm of sanity with a no. We have a montage of acts hassling the Hoff. Someone who screams, plays the mouth and plays the belly. We also get sticks and birds - done by human voices. Next up - a group of men called Ahmir. Call it the NYC version of Boyz II Men. Ahmir sings 'Still of the Night'. The main singer's lead voice is not very good, but they got too much camera time to not advance. The last note bails them out of an otherwise mundane performance. David says that there was another group...that they blew away. I didn't like either group, to be honest. Speaking of acts that I KNOW I'm not going to like, it's Grandfather and Sage. Sage's mom and dad are going through a bitter divorce. So Grandfather teaches him music and they love each other so. Gimme the bucket. Now.
Don: *Hands over the bucket*
Gordon: Blleeeeaggggggghhh. X.
Don: The kid's singing... eh. X
Gordon: Sage plays the piano and sings. Some strange woman is watching them perform from backstage. I'm guessing the mom. Piers X's them. David thinks that they have talent. Piers thinks he was listening to something completely different. It's up to Sharon, and we know that she's going to do. She does think that Sage needs to build the pitch up and decides to ask the 'Hoff, who I'm sure is sick of getting vetoed by the other 2. She asks Sage if he likes it, and he says that he enjoys making other people happy. That does it, and Sage advances. AwwwBarf
Don: Lol.
Gordon: Anthony Reed is an illusionist, who wants the money so he doesn't have to be traveling.
Don: Neat tricks.
Gordon: He makes a woman appear with a barbecue stick. He makes a number of doves appear, and he puts them in the cage. He closes the cage and then gets a big goose out of the cage. David thought it was ducky and Sharon thought it was hip and modern. Piers thought it was hip and exciting and all 3 judges put him through.
Don: Can't wait to see what he does next time.
Gordon: I like the acts that make you wonder what can they do next. This was one of said acts. Next up - Bruce Block...who says that his assistant is running the show
Don: LOL
Gordon: The assistant - a rabbit, who crawled up to the mike, says a few jokes and then leaves. That was cute. Piers liked the rabbit and the idea. He hated the material. David agrees - but he wants to see what else he has. Piers says no, but Sharon and David overrule him and Mr. Bunny gets to move on. Next up - the return of Byrain Wynbush. The song - 'Treat her like a Lady'. He is not in tune at all, but you know he's going to get in. He can sing some of the notes in tune, but he can't string the notes together. Piers X's him, then he says he buzzed too early. All 3 judges put him through, adding that hopefully, he can be even better with more time to practice. We have Ginger Snap, Caramella, Candy Apple and Lady Finger, and they are the...Glamazons. They are...uh....big boned.
Don: Indeed...
Gordon: But...they can sing,.
Don: Wow.
Gordon: Jerry says that America's gonna fall in love with them. He's right. They can be a VERY serious threat to at the very least get to the finals.
Don: Simply awesome!
Gordon: David calls them the Plus Sized Pussycat Dolls. Piers likes the curvier look. Heh. Sharon loves them and they are through. The girls start to cry backstage. Awww. That ends the auditions round. We have 71 acts remaining. In 2 weeks, we start the cut from 71 to 20 finalists. Final thoughts, Don?
Don: I'm still a bit queasy after seeing Leonid on the show...
Gordon: (Gives Don back the bucket)
Don: *Takes the bucket and throws up one more time*
Gordon: All done?
Don: Yeah.
Gordon: Ok. For the Donut, this is the Pepper, saying Game Over and see you in 14.