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Auditions: Dallas - June 5

Chico: The story so far... Last summer, America's Got Talent became the summer's biggest hit, showcasing some of the country's wildest talent. Bianca Ryan... won. Then... it spawned versions the world over. Now... it's back with a new host, a new judge, and new.... stuff.
Gordon: I get ill when I hear Jerry Springer and 'Reality Dance Superstar' in the same sentence.
Chico: It's something you'll have to get used to.
Jason: Yes.
Chico: Over the next few weeks, you'll see acts that are good... acts that are bad, and acts that are.... really bad. The question we're here to ask... Does America Got Talent?
Gordon: And we'll be here to make fun of all of them, won't we?
Chico: Yep.
Jason: Damn skippy.
Don: Definitely.
Chico: I'm Chico Alexander... singer extraordinaire... That's Gordon Pepper... the one-man bowling show.
Gordon: Can I stick a bowling lane and do stupid bowling tricks?
Chico: That's Jason Block, the most soulful white man in America...
Jason: LOL
Chico: And Don Harpwood... the most soulful white man... in Canada. Kalan Porter notwithstanding.
Don: Of course.
Gordon: And based on the ratings of what we have seen so far, I think it will be this Summer's highest ranked show
Chico: We're back, and so are... TWO of the judges. David Hasselhoff and Piers Morgan.
Gordon: Joining them - Sharon Osbourne.
Chico: She of the famous Osbourne clan.
Jason: Replacing Brandy...who is in legal hot water.
Chico: And the fourth judge... the audience. Also returning... the triple X eliminations.
Jason: Our town tonight. Dallas.
Gordon: The land of clowns, psychotic cheerleaders, and steers.
Chico: Looks like we've got a live one.
Jason: We have...a deep voiced brother. Tony Labrea
Chico: Barry White lives...
Gordon: But...can...he...sing?
Chico: Wrong show!
Jason: In a hat and bathrobe.
Chico: This... could go either way.
Don: That song?
Jason: Oh boy.
Chico: "Dont'cha," the song. Buzzers at the ready.
Gordon: Good depp voice...which is not meant for singing. X
Jason: X
Chico: X. Forgot the lyrics.
Don: Not meant for this song, at least. X
Chico: Uh oh. Hide the kids.
Jason: Oh no! My eyes.
Don: AHH! MY EYES!
Chico: Two words... Kit off. And it's a triple X.
Gordon: And then...he takes off his bathrobe, to show off his chest. That may scar the kids more than Piers Morgan
Chico: He... says he has success with the ladies.
Gordon: It was less Pussycat Doll and more Silly Putty Belly Dog.
Chico: "When you take your clothes off, the problem starts." Piers pretty much starts off where he left off.
Jason: It was more like the dog from Family Guy.
Chico: Hey... don't knock on Brian.
Don: Can I open my eyes now?
Chico: Yes.
Jason: The Duttons...a family Country act.
Chico: We may have another fiasco in the works on the judging panel.
Jason: Yes.
Chico: And by that, I mean with Piers. That's... a large family.
Jason: Damn.
Don: Indeed...
Chico: Nine people... or eight... and Jerry. The Duttons are from Branson, MO.
Gordon: Fortunately, I don't see any little bratty kids
Chico: No, but you see people from Branson, and that's bad enough. Hmm... This is pretty interesting.
Jason: I like this
Chico: Nice to look at, anyway. ... PLAY FREE BIRD!
Jason: Oh come on!
Chico: Heh... I had to.
Don: Oh, there's the kids.
Chico: Uh oh.
Gordon: Me Likey. What I'm more impressed with is that they all switch off instruments. I'd still like to see if they can do this..oh wait. Kids. X
Chico: And right on cue, Piers hits the hook.
Jason: Piers showing his prickiness
Gordon: I would, too. Remember what a mess the kids made last year?
Chico: David thought they were terrific.
Don: Yeah, I remember that.
Chico: Sharon... loves the family unit.
Gordon: The kids are just there for the kiddieness. They bring ZERO value to the act. I agree with Piers
Chico: "You are a bit like the Osmonds. There's far too many of you."
Jason: You and Piers can have a drink together.
Chico: He says if you're dead serious about winning, you can't afford to bring EVERY MEMBER OF YOUR FAMILY
Gordon: And on cue, Springer brings in a baby Dutton. XXXXXXX.
Chico: He wants a streamlined act. What did I tell you... I knew this was going to happen.
Gordon: Ladies and gentlemen, Celtic Spring 2007.
Chico: Sharon says yes. Piers says no. David says yes.
Don: Celtic Spring all over again...
Jason: Bingo
Don: Could be quite the ride.
Chico: Hello Dallas. They're through to the Las Vegas callbacks.
Gordon: Argh.
Chico: Next... Old Elvis.
Jason: Oh yeah! How long you give this guy?
Chico: 14 seconds. Aaron Michaels... he says he won't let us down.
Don: That was quick.
Chico: And Yes.
Gordon: I give him...3 seconds
Jason: Damn.
Chico: So did the judges.
Gordon: The judges give him...1 second. Jerry, 'How would you look if you were dead for 25 years?'
Jason: Great line.
Don: lol
Chico: The audience says let him sing...
Gordon: for...oh lookie, 3 seconds.
Jason: LOL
Chico: ... and they recant. Quickly. They release him... and they let him go.
Gordon: The song, ironically, 'Please Release Me'.
Chico: Elvis has left the building. And because this is 2007, we have a phone game!
Gordon: Ready for the 'Lucky X' game? Pick which judge hits their X.
Chico: Win $10,000.
Don: Seems just like a certain other game, but with fewer options...
Chico: Yep.
Gordon: This doesn't seem like any other sort of game, like the Lucky Case Game or Mob Money now, does it?
Chico: Of course not! This has THREE!
Gordon: Ooooh. That saves it from Copyright infringement
Chico: That and it is conducted by the same third party.
Gordon: So far...one segment...and nothing impressive.
Chico: Nope.
Jason: Nope.
Chico: But I would like to see the Wii guys at the Las Vegas callback. "Wii... have talent."
Gordon: I don't see that happening
Chico: Back to the show. Meghan Miller... is a pageant baby. An 18-year-old pageant baby. She uses her hands... and her mouth.
Jason: Thank you Paris
Gordon: And she uses her hands and her mouth at the same time....pant, pant, pant...
Chico: and puppets.
Don: Ventriloquism!
Gordon: blow up puppets? Pant..pant...pantttt....
Chico: Singing... puppets.
Jason: Eh. X
Chico: And their magnificent human. Piers has the right idea. X
Gordon: Not so magnificent. X>
Don: It's getting a bit annoying for me. X
Chico: Dallas... loves her...
Gordon: Lukewarm response from the crowd. I hate to say this, but I'm agreeing with Piers an awful lot.
Chico: He thinks that what Meghan does is good...for a children's audience. David thought it was charming. Sharon... agrees with Piers. We need some Take 6 up in here.
Gordon: And Sharon is getting a lot of boos, but she redeems herself and asks Meghan to do something else.
Chico: She's back to Vegas.
Jason: Oh boy.
Don: She'd better have a different act next time.
Gordon: And don't forget to buy a Bianca Ryan CD
Chico: Next... the tween female singer montage. Erica Marks says she has a Broadway voice.
Gordon: And either Bianca's win has spawned a lot of kids who think they can be the next Bianca - or a lot of adults who see the dollar signs and are prodding the kids to audition.
Chico: And here she is. Erica Marks. Singing "And I'm Telling You"..
Gordon: Erica has a bigger ego than Bianca does.
Chico: Geez, original much?
Jason: Nope.
Chico: X... Before she starts.
Jason: X
Chico: And there goes Erica Marks...
Jason: She doesn't have the voice
Don: X
Gordon: She doesn't have the vocal chops - or the pitch. The judges won't X her, but I will. X.
Don: Piers X'd her.
Gordon: We are a mean bunch this evening.
Chico: Yes.
Gordon: I'm enjoying the meanness.
Jason: Wow.
Chico: Bianca... is everything Erica isn't... Wow, Piers, I just said that!
Gordon: Piers - 'You are everything she isn't'
Don: Yipes.
Chico: I just said that!
Jason: Very cool.
Chico: Ow. "
Jason: He is right on the money on this one.
Chico: If all we have in season 2 are a bunch of Bianca Ryan wannabes, I don't want to be a part of it. David says she was trying to be like Bette Midler. Three nos. Sorry.
Gordon: Three 'No's' across the board
Chico: Coming up, Sharon cries.... and NINJAS!
Jason: This commercial rules.
Gordon: I hate to say this, but although Sharon was complaining about Piers, I have to agree with him. Erica just was a Bianca wanna be clone.
Jason: Which is why they put her on for that very reason.
Gordon: I agree. I'm guessing we won't be seeing singing kids this season.
Chico: Maybe one or two.. Just to have the singing kid quota. Next up... milkmen, painters, nurses, and... Mr. Bill. Oh NOOOOOO!
Jason: Mr. Bill, school bus driver and singer.
Gordon: I was thinking the exact same thing. Oh NOOOOOOOOO! X
Chico: Mr. Bill Climbs Every Mountain...
Gordon: Can he jump off of it now?
Jason: Not terrible...but a not a million dollar voice. X
Chico: Not yet.
Don: *Hits the mute button on the remote* X
Chico: Wait for it.. .... Okay, now! XXXXX
Gordon: Hasselhoff is going to let him finish.
Chico: David watches intently.
Gordon: My eardrums are about to climb the mountain of deafness.
Chico: This may take a while judging from that note. And he draws both cheers and boos. Piers says he has guts.
Jason: Piers gives him props.
Chico: Sharon says he deserves a break. David... says no.
Gordon: The guts don't produce sound
Chico: Sharon says yes.
Gordon: Sharon says...yes?
Chico: Sharon says yes.
Jason: What
Chico: Piers.... talent vs. personality... Talent wins. It's a no.
Gordon: Piers says....no, and brings some sanity to the competition. We see a montage of X's
Chico: Next, ball bouncers... poppers... I don't even know who she was... Drummers... ONE drummer... Cutesy kid.. Sharon losing it. Yeah. That's it.
Gordon: Sorry. If you bring a kid on the show, you risk the kid bursting into tears.
Chico: We're back... and this is the Human Slinky.
Jason: Oh my goodness...
Don: Wow.
Chico: Piers Xes.
Jason: It's the Cow,...2007 style
Gordon: I actually have this song
Chico: Hoff Xes.
Jason: You would :-)
Chico: Sharon Xes.
Gordon: I thought it was better than the cow.
Chico: Me too.
Don: Same here.
Jason: It mooved me :-)
Gordon: I actually liked this better than everything I have seen so far.
Chico: David calls it a "Giant Colon gone berserk.'
Gordon: Which says a lot. I agree with David - 'It's a giant colon gone bezerk'. Maybe it reminded him of what his stomach felt like when he was eating a cheeseburger on the floor.
Jason: Oh come on.
Gordon: oh come on?
Jason: LOL
Chico: Ari the Gypsy Violinist... and her husband perform separately this year. First, the Gypsy Violinist. Piers Xes. David follows. And that's game over.
Gordon: We are batting a prefect...zero. X. It wasn't as bad as what Piers says. It was...bad.
Chico: Next, the husband. Nicholas Marks and his Spanish guitar. I like this better than the violin...
Gordon: The husband is up next. Starts up strong. Ends up....not as strong, but much better than what I've seen so far.
Jason: Me too.
Chico: Piers Xes... and that's it really. He had a premature buzz.
Gordon: Piers has a premature buzzaculation
Jason: LOL
Chico: He's through.
Gordon: I hate to say this, but I like Springer in this role much better than I like Regis.
Chico: Next, it looks more like Jerry's ... other... show. I hate to say this... but I agree.
Jason: Springer is doing better
Chico: We're back with more... and Piers is not happy.
Don: This might not be good...
Jason: Kyle Gaines... 10 yrs oid
Chico: Puppets.
Gordon: And we see more puppet buzzing death.
Chico: Smoking. X.
Jason: This is bad.
Chico: And more acts that would make the Dirty Sock montage. Can 9-year-old Breeze turn things around?
Jason: Oh boy I read about this.
Gordon: Breeze is looking like...Britney. Uh oh.
Chico: Hmm... Britney circa 1988. Oh my word. She does a cheerleading routine.
Jason: She looks like JonBenet Ramsey
Chico: I'd have to side with Block here. And the Cheerleading's not really up to snuff either.
Gordon: She's cute...but...sorry....X.
Chico: X
Jason: You don't want your 9 yr old girl strutting like a ho
Chico: Three Xes.
Don: Sorry, but... X
Jason: X
Chico: Piers is hitting the nail on the head. It's all about stage mom. Bring stage mom out.
Jason: Yes.
Gordon: Piers wants Stage Mom. Here she comes.
Jason: Springer set up #3
Chico: She has the right to defend herself. "This has nothing to do with me." I saw her in the backstage. I'm calling shenanigans.
Jason: Sure.
Gordon: Jerry says that the girl is not on trial. Sharon has had enough and bails.
Don: Wow.
Chico: And this ... is the wrong show for that. =p
Jason: This is "The Springer Hustle"
Gordon: Piers runs after her and David decides to start his own show called 'America's Got Hasselhoff'
Chico: Sharon says she's going home... Piers goes off to his dressing room... and we go to break.
Jason: This is fake bull(^_^).
Chico: "Isn't someone going to stop those two shouting?" "Not until we have enough footage for act 5."
Don: lol
Jason: pretty much.
Gordon: Let's see... the acts have been subpar...too many kids....not enough good acts...hey, if we have a fight, that can fill up 2 hours, can't it?
Jason: sure.
Don: Sounds about right.
Chico: They're not coming back to Dallas for season 3, are they?
Gordon: Probably the same chance that Idol has of going back to Seattle.
Chico: And we're back to America's Got a Problem on the Judging Panel. Breeze... is still on stage. She can't get off until the judges vote her off. Hoff. Does just that. The other two return...
Jason: The crowd chants for the Hoff
Gordon: David does that, while Piers and Sharon still fight
Chico: ... Sharon just wants Piers to say no. Sharon apologizes for the earlier walk-off... Piers, for the upsetting. The bottom line... She's not quite ready for the stage.Simple as that.
Gordon: So why cant the judges say that?
Chico: But because this is TV, we have to escalate it into a 9-minute ego trip. And so the show goes on...
Jason: Bingo
Chico: with Angela, Misty, and Nickoya, collectively DBA "Southern Girl."
Jason: DBA--doing Business as :-)
Chico: ... TWINS... Nice. They sing "Be Without You."
Gordon: I'll do my best imitation of Piers. Quick buzzer. X
Jason: By Mary J. Blige. X
Chico: X
Don: X
Chico: Way too little. ... something. You know?
Jason: No harmony.
Gordon: I'm guessing they go through because they have to put SOMETHING through from the Dallas area.
Chico: They got the melody, but they're missing something.
Gordon: They don't have the melody
Jason: Oh boy. They stunk.
Chico: All the judges give them a walk to the callback. The potential is there for that last group. But they need to tighten up... and just go out and have fun. Seemed like three soulless automatons.
Gordon: And hope that every other act has a severe case of salmonella poisoning before going out to perform.
Chico: Like *as an automaton* "This is how you do three part harmony in a girl group."
Gordon: By the way, the buzzword 'Social Experiement'...old.
Chico: (TPIR loss horns)
Jason: He will pick the one with the biggest Tennis Balls... Dark Bionic Woman...cool.
Chico: Next, someone who wants to make us smile.... by stripping. Didn't we do this last year?
Jason: And we see a montage or weird acts
Don: Ack!
Jason: Oh my.
Gordon: Yoyos, Hamster wheels, wild snakes
Chico: And songs about people who dumped her. And motherf'in snakes... in a motherf'ing bag.
Jason: YOW! LOL
Don: Yipes.
Jason: (laughing my ass off)
Chico: Next, Tom Zemke... DBA Bronze & Gold.This oughta be different. "Combinations of older dances and new ideas."
Gordon: We need the person who shot JR in Dallas to make a reappearance on this stage. Soon. X.
Chico: He's the only one in the world that does it.
Don: ... The heck?
Jason: X
Don: X
Chico: ... no, I too make a public spectacle of myself. X. Hit it, Sharon! HIT IT!
Gordon: Chico, you don't dance this badly. Close, but not this badly.
Chico: Thank god.
Don: Even I don't dance THAT bad.
Jason: Hit it Jaye P...oops wrong show.
Gordon: David finally convinces Sharon to hit the button, but not before getting 90 seconds of agony.
Chico: He's heading for the club.
Gordon: And if the ladies do swarm around him, then that says a lot about Dallas.
Chico: Meanwhile, Fallon Franklin heads for the stage with a guitar in hand. She was born with palsy.
Jason: Let's see what we have here.
Chico: She overcame it, and now look at her. She's from Texas.
Jason: Jewel Lite. X
Chico: What Jason said. X
Don: Yeah. X
Gordon: Part of covering a song is actually getting the rhythm and words correct - 2 concepts which she is failing miserably at. X.
Chico: Sharon calls her organic. Piers calls her self-effacing. David says she can't be nervous.
Gordon: Fallon calls him the Hoff Man, and we may be seeing David's new girlfriend.
Chico: Fallon's going to Vegas.
Jason: Yeah.
Chico: Next up, Dogs and a potential for an accident that we may or may not show on TV. It's probably all good, though. We're back with... something amazing... We hope. It's a shirtless buff guy.
Don: The ladies love him. Piers already doesn't.
Chico: Brandon is an aerialist. Brandon Pereyda does his thing with... sheets. He's a sheet gymnast.
Jason: Holy cow. I couldn't do that.
Don: Whoa!
Gordon: No not a cow, a sheet.
Chico: This may be the best we have tonight.
Gordon: Holy Sheet!
Jason: So far yeah...it isn't saying much.
Chico: He wasn't rehearsed enough, and he needs more practice.
Gordon: And while we like it, the judges...don't let him advance
Chico: Sharon wants him to practice at her house. San is a musician and a vocalist who draws from Elton and Stevie... Sam Adu sings "I Wish". X
Jason: I Wish he would stop singing. X
Don: X
Gordon: I wish we had the Dancing Cow and Leonid the Magnificent back. X
Jason: And the Human Slinky.
Chico: Bring back the guy with the sheets.
Gordon: David may have wanted to pass the human slinky back
Chico: Piers puts it best again.. "You just murdered Stevie Wonder." Back with the Jabbawockeez Crew. No, they're not a cappella singers, they're a hip-hop dance troupe.With Michael Myers masks.
Jason: X.
Gordon: I like the choreography. I'm concerned to see what they can do for an encore, but if they have a different routine, they will make the finals. Me Likey.
Chico: I dunno. I liked 'em.
Don: Looked good to me.
Jason: Boring.
Chico: They can be very dynamic with this act. I betcha next time. They take it to the next level. But they need to tighten up. I'd give'em a pass. And for once, the judges agree with MOST of us on a positive note. Next.. unruly dogs.
Gordon: And now, this show has gone to the dogs. Paris, Nicole and Lindsay will be performing?
Don: LOL
Jason: Those are bitches, not dogs!
Chico: Nope, but Minnie (Sharon's bitch) will. Bob & Rose Moore have literally... a flea circus.
Jason: Cool. Rescue Dogs.
Chico: Always cool .. Hey, do something! This is getting rather old and cumbersome. X
Jason: X
Don: X
Gordon: I think the problem is too many dogs. 4 or 5 of them would be solid. This act has too many legs. X
Chico: LITERALLY.
Jason: LOL
Chico: I think David said it best. Pandemonium. Piers wants to sack eight of the dogs. But keep rescuing dogs. That's good work. Last chance to play the Lucky Case... err, X game.
Gordon: I know who the winner is..
Chico: Who's the winner? The answer, by the way, is not Heather.
Gordon: The person who will hit the buzzer...is....: me. XXXXXXXXXX
Chico: More family support with the Rascals.
Jason: With no harmony.
Chico: They need a pitch pipe.
Gordon: They need more than that. X.
Chico: Here they are with "Shout".
Jason: X
Gordon: Acapella is only good if you have a sense of pitch
Chico: Bad arrangement. X.
Don: Eh... X
Chico: See Rockapella... Five O'Clock Shadow... Hullabahoos... UNC Achordants... missing anything here? Piers thinks that the Rascals can be stars one day. Can they up it? Can they deliver? We'll find out in Vegas. Or will we?
Jason: Boo. Piers pussed out.
Chico: ... We will. They're through. Next, men in tights.
Don: Father and son.
Chico: Jordan & Nasko, balancers.
Jason: There you go.
Chico: They're good balancers.
Don: Looks good so far.
Gordon: One trick pony. We saw this last year. X.
Jason: And I still like it.
Chico: No, that was bow-and-arrow lady.
Jason: OW! Wow.
Gordon: We had a gymnast there too. I can't see them doing anything else
Chico: They need to ratchet up the action a bit, but yeah, they have a nice base there.
Jason: Again.
Chico: The guys like it. Sharon... says yes. They're through.
Gordon: 10 minutes left to go. Have we seen a million dollar act yet?
Jason: We haven't seen a 1,000 dollar act.
Chico: I've seen a couple of $516.32 acts
Gordon: its almost like we saw America run out of talent - at ;least in Dallas
Don: I'd say we saw most of the talent last year, and this year, we've been getting leftovers so far.
Chico: NEXT?!: David Letterman... and Joel Letterman.
Don: If that's their act... X
Chico: taking their shirts off.
Jason: Boobies
Gordon: Dueling Pecs. X>
Jason: !
Chico: Dancing man-boobies.. X
Don: I did not want to see that.
Jason: LOL. That's funny stuff. Not Winning...but funny. That was cool.
Gordon: Well, it's.. the most original thing we've seen all night.
Chico: At least it was something funny. Sharon tells them to wax more. Next, impression montage.
Jason: One Act.
Chico: One act left... Mr. Big "Who's the Guy" Beale. He plays the sax.
Jason: There you go!
Chico: He wails on that. Saving the best for last.
Jason: And he can dance.
Don: Nice!
Jason: Bingo.
Gordon: That salvages the night for me. Let's see what other songs he has when he's in Vegas.
Chico: That's what we were waiting to see.
Don: As long as he does have other songs, he should do well.
Chico: PLAY FREEBIRD! =p
Jason: We waited two hours for that...and it worked.
Chico: Piers calls it great fun. Sharon says he owned the stage. David calls him butter.
Jason: A geek with Talent.
Chico: The best kind. That's a yes all around.
Jason: Rock on
Chico: And he's still doing it! The song, BTW, was "Pick Up the Pieces".
Gordon: Next Week...LA
Chico: We'll see you there.
Jason: Next Tuesday at 8
Chico: Say goodnight, Doughnut.
Don: Good night.
Gordon: goodnight, Donut
Chico: ... that's the line.
Jason: Goodnight.

 

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