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Today is

Auditions: Chicago - June 19

Gordon: Week #1 we had...retreads.
Chico: Week 2... Return to retreads.
Gordon: and begging. Will we actually see...talent?
Chico: Next stop on the audition tour... Chicago... Chi-town.. The Windy City. What does it say that a show needs an epic opening for an episode? That lasts three minutes? That's three minutes we could be seeing some guy pogo with his butt-cheeks.
Don: Yipes.
Gordon: You know what scares me the most about Chicago?
Chico: It's the home of Springer?
Gordon: Not just that - its the home of the Springer TAPINGS
Chico: But good things have come from Chicago... a Carolina grad named Michael, for one. Will Consuelo Campbell slam-dunk with her opera singing?
Gordon: So if they have all the wackos from the tapings show up, just wait until we see the talent
Chico: She "embraces different forms, past and present"... Oh dear.
Gordon: She's going to try to have past and present forms...in the same act. This doesn't sound good.
Chico: A combination Gregorian chant with blues/gospel.
Gordon: This will either be very good or very bad
Chico: Finger on the button. Piers wastes no time...
Gordon: This would fall under very...strange
Chico: Well, she's got the notes right. Everything else.... Not so much. X
Don: I think I've heard enough. X
Gordon: Its not bad, but it doesn't fit the million dollar mantra.
Chico: Sharon's dancing? Finally. Geez, what took you so long. Sharon calls it "bizarre." "You're all over the place, missus. One minute you're a monk, next you're a jazz singer."
Gordon: its not even that. The problem is that she didn't do her homework and tailor anything that a contemporary audience would like.
Chico: Piers calls her "Hillary Clinton on acid."
Don: Ouch.
Chico: David uses the dreaded K word. But she's singing at the Vatican, so you tell me who the winner is. Next, Sideswipe... from LAST YEAR!
Don: I remember these guys!
Chico: Me too. They're the extreme martial artists. They had to pull out due to injury, so they're getting another shot at greatness. These guys were pretty good last year. Let's see what they do to follow up. They karate kick to "Hey, Driver". This is how you do synchronicity. That's how you do it. It's like they're integral parts of each other.
Gordon: Did someone hurt a groin muscle?
Chico: An ankle, actually. The competition has begun at long last.
Gordon: They actually have a shot to win the whole thing - especially since everything else so far has been...eh.
Chico: Sharon likes it. "If you move this good at 9:30 in the morning, I would like to see you move after midnight."
Don: lol
Chico: Piers says they could go all the way as well. They're coming to Vegas. ... and thar's the X game again.
Gordon: Can I hit my buzzer?
Chico: Not until the end of the show. That's the rule. And we're back.
Gordon: Awwww....
Chico: We're in the holding area with ... Jason Pritchett, who wanted to be a country star since he was a kid. He thinks this could be the biggest thing to happen in his career. Sharon: "Sweet boy." He sings "Live Like You Were Dying" Pretty good, actually. Piers... doesn't think so.
Don: Sounds alright to me.
Gordon: Piers just likes to slap his buzzer. What middle aged guy doesn't like to pound the buzzer once in a while?
Chico: No comment. Sharon loves it. "Very pure." Piers just "found it a bit bland." It was a bit more than bland, but I can see where he's going with this.
Gordon: It was bland. But better bland than blech.
Chico: Piers comes with the loaded questions. Wow. Nice to know he's on the panel, isn't it? David says yes. Sharon says yes. Piers says we've seen better. 2-1. Yes. Going to Vegas. He would not last one second on the Nashville Star stage, though. Next is Terry Fator, a ventriloquist. He's been performing for 20 years. The puppet is about to sing "At Last" by Ella.
Don: Whoa!
Chico: .... Whoa. Did not expect that.
Gordon: Now THAT'S a good puppeteer
Chico: Pretty good for a lady with a guy's hand up her butt. One more with Ashlee Simpson. Clever!
Don: That was cool!
Gordon: With the puppet lip synching.
Chico: Piers has never seen an act like this, calling it amazing.
Gordon: As long as he does something better in the next round, he could also have a shot at the finals.
Chico: Totally.
Don: Definitely.
Chico: Three yeses. He's going to Vegas. Question: what does a banana have to do with the next act? Find out... after the break. We're back with 10-year-old Frances, who wants to make her family and friends proud. Frances Elaine sings "A Moment Like This". A song near and dear to all of us at the Net... and Piers razzes. And for good reason. Sounds like a bad impression. David and Sharon follow suit.
Gordon: I think if you have to have a kid advance, she has to nail it, and she didn't. X. It was also pitchy.
Chico: they all say "in a couple of years". So do we.
Gordon: I agree with the judges - she will be better in a few years. Piers actually gets the criticism correct...for once.
Chico: Meanwhile, we get a montage of Piers cutting a few kids down to size... to O-Town's "All or Nothing" :-)
Gordon: And advice for the younguns - don't bring the kidlets. With a background song by O Town...where are they now?
Chico: *shrugs* Next is Butterscotch, who beatboxes. Great, a female Blake Lewis.
Gordon: Butterscotch, like Blake, Beat Boxes, with a...Banana.
Chico: A banana?
Don: A banana...
Chico: So what's up with the banana? "If my mouth gets dry, I take a bite."
Gordon: beat Boxing Bananas...what doesn't start with B? An x. X
Chico: I don't know.. IT was alright. I've seen better.
Gordon: We've seen Blake Lewis do it better.
Chico: It's different.
Gordon: I would have love to see what she could do with singing attached beside a lyric string
Chico: Piers shows that he has been under a rock for the last five months.
Gordon: And David and Sharon have also been under the same rock
Chico: David calls her the best beatboxer we've seen. Sharon calls her impeccable. She sweeps the panel and we're off to Vegas.
Don: No banana needed, apparently.
Chico: .. oh dear.. Man-kini's next
Don: Eww...
Gordon: And apparently, judging on the next act, some people are playing hide the banana
Chico: We're going to take a break, while I head to DQ for a banana split... and maybe a Moolatte.
Gordon: We've seen guys dress up as women. When are we going to see women dress up as dudes?
Chico: That's not funny! :-) Chicks dressed as dudes... Not funny. Dudes dressed as chicks... apparently very funny.
Gordon: Funny...or sad?
Chico: .. Put me down for one of each. It's funny... because it's sad. Bionic Woman.. That's gonna be hot.. Okay, we're back... John England... from England via Wilmington, NC, plays the piano.
Gordon: I have to X just in principle. X
Chico: Nice piano playing of "New York New York". David joins the Gordon principle. And so does Piers. And so does Sharon.
Gordon: YAY!
Chico: And so do I. X
Don: X
Chico: And so does Don.
Gordon: Piers hit Sharon's buzzer.
Don: Piers hit Sharon's buzzer, apparently.
Chico: Yeah.
Gordon: Piers, 'I'm sorry I hit Sharon's buzzer but I was putting the audience out of their misery'.
Chico: He compares him to a piano lounger.
Gordon: In Chicago, they cal it talent. In NYC, they call it...Muzak.
Chico: But feel free to come back anytime and talk to us in that fake accent of yours. 2-1 no. Next... Danny Flores, Mr. Heart & Soul. ... A mime.
Gordon: This scares me.
Chico: X... Out of principle.
Don: Ditto.
Gordon: I found a show for Danny.
Chico: What's that?
Gordon: Big Brother!
Chico: Nice. This is gonna be ugly.
Gordon: I have a reason to be scared, as he dances to Superfreak. X
Don: X
Chico: I'll repeat it... because it bears repeating. X
Gordon: David, please hit Sharon's buzzer. Now.
Chico: America's got a fourth-string mime.
Don: The audience was booing.
Gordon: Fortunately, Sharon hits the buzzer all by herself. And the mime was singing.
Chico: Piers asks the million dollar question all by himself... "You're a mime. Why are you singing?" Horribly.
Gordon: Maybe he would have made it if he didn't si....maybe not.
Chico: Next up, the mid-show judge hissy fit.
Gordon: And David apparently found a cheeseburger he left behind in the dressing room.
Chico: Bring back Butterscotch, I say.
Gordon: Bring back the dancing slinky from episode 1. Heck, bring back Robert Hawkins from Last Comic Standing and see if he can do any better on this show.
Don: lol
Chico: Yeah, good luck with that. I'm actually looking forward to Sydney on that. See if the Aussies really will laugh at anything. Next up, is Charlie King, who plays the banjo to harmonic overtones. His words. I'm scared, G.
Gordon: This will either be very good - or very bad
Chico: Tuvan whistling... David Xes.
Don: Um, okay...
Chico: X
Gordon: Banjo is good. Singing is bad. I'll have to go with...bad. X
Don: X
Chico: X! X!
Gordon: And once again, Sharon is the holdout.
Chico: There we go. It sounded "like a beached whale."
Gordon: Piers relates it to a beached whale. I relate it to them blowing up the whale and being covered in whale guts.
Chico: You watched the Robot Chicken Star Wars, didn't you? It gets worse, trust me.
Don: Where's that bucket?
Gordon: We get a montage of ridiculously bad acts. I have it from last time. Do you need it, Don?
Don: Yeah.
Gordon: (Gives the bucket to Don)
Don: *Throws up in the bucket*
Chico: "No for me, and thank you very much, and have a nice life."
Gordon: Do you need the bucket, Chico?
Chico: Yeah, thanks.
Gordon: (Gives the bucket to Chico)
Chico: *wharf!*
Gordon: Its worse than Man-kini
Chico: Okay.. Feeling better.
Gordon: It's...Man-Kira!
Chico: It's a Shakira impersonator...
Gordon: Who's a man
Chico: a MALE Shakira impersonator.
Don: Oh, geez...
Gordon: David is giving us the look that I have right now.
Chico: His name is Luigi (DBA Boy Shakira).
Gordon: Piers is relying on Man-kira to restore America's faith in talent. Good luck, Piers.
Chico: X
Don: X. *Covers his eyes*
Gordon: This is actually more entertaining than most of what we've seen so far.
Chico: And apparently they never got the clearance for a Shakira song, because we get stock Latin music.
Gordon: If you were Shakira, would you give clearance to that?
Chico: Hell no. Sharon and Piers.. give Boy Shakira the full ride. But do they give him the ticket to Vegas? This is gonna get ugly... REALLY fast. David just says that he's worth a million dollars. Sharon thought she was entertained.
Gordon: If they pass him through, I may change the channel
Chico: Me, too. I CALL SHENANIGANS.
Don: Same here.
Chico: This is fixed.
Gordon: David says no. Sharon says yea. Piers says...YES??!?!
Don: *Throws up*
Chico: Boy Shakira is through to the next round.. I CALL SHENANIGANS.
Gordon: Man-Kira gets through. Chico, please recap the rest of this without me.
Chico: If I must..
Gordon: I know. Let's let Don recap this by himself.
Chico: I couldn't do that to him. I couldn't.
Gordon: I can. Don's Canadian. He has some immunity to this, doesn't he?
Chico: Doubt it. He's here, right? Seriously, though.. I've seen actual acts that were about as bad at this one shot down. And I've seen acts five times better than this one shot down.
Gordon: I've seen acts better than this shot down.
Don: I'm still feeling sick.
Chico: This was done to create drama, and I'm calling NBC on it right now.
Gordon: Somewhere, both Quick Change and Michelle L'Amour are throwing things at their television sets.
Chico: As well they should be.
Gordon: Nathan Burton is trying to figure out how to make Sharon Osbourne disappear.
Chico: David talks to a producer... and after a long wait... we're back to three.
Gordon: David is ready to play. We could see 'Evil Hoff' coming out.
Chico: Now we have.. Cool-Aid the Clown... and company.
Gordon: We have Kool Aid the Clown, who's teaching inner city kids. You guess that The Hoff is going to buzz?
Chico: Yes. Or not. Piers buzzes.
Gordon: You know my feelings about kids. X
Chico: Probably citing too busy. X
Don: X
Chico: It's too busy. Too many people doing too many things. Busy busy busy. But still, David thinks America will love him.
Gordon: So Piers buzzes them...and lets Man-Kira pass.
Chico: It's good that Coolaid is doing this with inner-city kids. Piers and Sharon say no... but pass Man-kira... ... Shenanigans! Next, Cas Haley, a singer/songwriter/musician.
Gordon: Don. it's all yours. Goodnight (Slams Door)
Don: Um, er...
Chico: That's okay. I'm still here. Because someone's gotta have a strong back for this.
Don: Thanks, man.
Chico: Besides, maybe Cas is good.
Gordon: Maybe he is
Chico: I hope he is. He's got a good story. Cas sings... well, it sounds like Bob Marley. Very creative.
Gordon: He's talented, so Sharon and Piers will buzz him out.
Don: I like this.
Chico: I don't think so. I think we're back to one big dysfunctional family. This guy's that good. I like it because it's different.
Gordon: I think that if Piers and Sharon say no, that The Hoff will smack them with his chair.
Chico: Wouldn't you?
Gordon: I think it's good enough to pass here. He's going to have to show his versatility if he wants the million.
Chico: I think he's got versatility in him. Piers thinks it's "What he loves about AGT". He compares him to Sting.. Cas sang it better than Sting. Sharon says he's "this" far away from a million. Yeses all around. Winner!
Gordon: Finally.
Chico: And we're back flying the friendly skies on United
Gordon: Ok. I'll stay...for now. Oh look - another dating show from NBC. And it's starring Mark Consuelos
Chico: ... and it's hosted by Mark Consuelos.
Gordon: Science of Love. Can we say Pilot Burnoff?
Chico: This better not be your CV for Price. Okay, back atcha with Second Story Guys, a dance group
Gordon: OH look - it's All That wearing prep clothes.
Chico: It looks like a fusion between stomping, clogging, and Motown. In short... what Gordon said.'
Gordon: and...stilts.
Chico: Yay, stilts. Wow. I can't believe they're doing that.
Don: I wonder if someone will fall...
Gordon: We had a stilt group on last season
Chico: Yeah, but they weren't doing contemporary post-Motown dancing. Whoa.
Don: Wow.
Chico: With flips. Okay, this is better than All That.
Gordon: Two words. Side. Swipe. X
Chico: Isn't really that hard, but still.
Gordon: And they didn't need stilts.
Don: That was certainly interesting.
Chico: They're class, but it's missing something.
Gordon: I think it's good. I don't see them doing enough in the second act to differentiate them from the first act.
Chico: Let's see what the judges say. It's a yes. Calypso Tumblers... Also through.
Gordon: I liked the Tumblers better than the Stilt people
Chico: Christian Netitia Stonyev... is a yes. John Mitchell, baton twirler... also a yes.
Gordon: Now why are we only seeing 10 seconds of this and spent 4 minutes on Man-kira?
Don: Who knows...
Chico: Because it's good TV... A chorus..yes
Gordon: I want to see their WHOLE performance. Those were 4 GREAT performances, and we only see 20 seconds each? We couldn't put them in and take out Gregorian Chant woman?
Chico: Apparently NBC likes drama over talent. How ironic. Next, burlesque dancers the Hot Pink Feathers.
Gordon: BURLESQUE! YAY!!!! TAKE IT OFF!!!! TAKE IF ALL OFFFF!!!!!!!!
Chico: One's a neuropsychological test technician. Dude, did Michelle teach you nothing? It's not about the take-off, it's about the tease.. And they're teasing me right now. David, on the other hand... not so much. Neither is Piers... Or Sharon. Bleh on all of you.
Gordon: unfortunately, I'd like them better if they did it in time.
Chico: It was not "up to standard."
Gordon: I happen to agree with Sharon. They did it in time. At least Michelle L'Amour was perfect on the time. That's what makes what she did special.
Chico: She was by herself :-) Next up, the Fault Line.
Gordon: Because, apparently, the judges prefer to see men in skimpy dresses over attractive men in skimpy dresses.
Chico: They're a vocal rock band. A cappella! Yay!
Don: Neat idea.
Chico: ... I've seen Five O'Clock Shadow do it better. X
Gordon: Chico likes it? X
Don: X
Gordon: Actually, it's not bad. It does need to be tightened up though, as the background and foreground was not even all of the time.
Chico: Piers thought it was pretty good. Albeit with three cool guys and two nerds. But still, they're very talented, and if they can tighten up the harmonies, they have a chance. Sharon: "Don't lose the melody line." TRUE.
Gordon: I agree with Sharon on that - the melody line was straying
Chico: It's a pass from all three. I hope I don't have to buzz them in Vegas, because I don't want to.
Gordon: Meanwhile, it's time for.... Whichjudgehasthemoneywho'sgonnaxthepersonwhoyouthinkisleavingtheshow...breathe...

forthepunchlineofthedayfor99cents. Who's ready to blow a dollar on that?
Chico: .... no. Next up, last minute rehearsal. It's a fireman... He's eating fire and blowing fire. "Do not try this at home. It's extremely dangerous. I used to be a white guy."
Don: ... The heck?
Gordon: And then he yells at Piers while he's buzzing - during an act.
Chico: There's also a guy who a) mixes drinks, b) paint portraits, and c) walks on a treadmill.
Gordon: I remember the running treadmill painter from last season
Chico: Next, he's speaking backwards. Then there's bald Gallagher..
Gordon: To Piers's 'I am completely and utterly pointless'
Chico: Next, Kevin James... a magician.
Gordon: Some people needed to rehearse more.
Chico: As opposed to Kevin James, the actor. He said that he's designed tricks for a lot of "big time magicians." All the big-time magicians I know design their own tricks.
Gordon: This will either be really good - or delusional
Chico: Heads are gonna roll!
Don: Whoa.
Chico: He's putting together a Chaplin doll... that comes to life. The head... was a tell thing.
Gordon: Good job. Me Likey. I want to see what he does for an encore.
Chico: It was designed to take your attention off of the... umm. doll. Same here. HE gets through. Now I'm going to take this break to see that trick again.
Gordon: Youre going to be looking for a big head?
Chico: Nope, I'm looking for a body that's missing a head. Or something
Gordon: try Paris Hilton. She needs some head. Bad Gordon. No Home Game?
Chico: Not this time. :-). The last few acts are getting on stage, and here comes one of them... Alex Mooney, He breaks miscellaneous objects with his butt.
Gordon: I'm getting a very bad I've Got a Secret Flashback
Chico: Me too. Cover this, I'm going to do research. (after a bit) Found it. http://www.gameshownewsnet.com/shortshots/041706.html
Don: I'm not exactly sure what kind of an encore he'd be able to do after this...
Gordon: That's the sort of Media Ho I don't need to revisit. X
Don: X
Chico: X. Quote of the night from Piers. "I've come thousands of miles, gave up seeing my kids for 3 months, made many sacrifices to find, as Simon Cowell put it, America's next great superstar. Instead, I get you."
Gordon: That is the same person. Ack. Hasselhoff wants him to butt out.
Don: LOL
Chico: Next, Ada Lynn, 80-years young, a singer, dancer, and comedienne.
Gordon: Now on the last show, we had a 75 year old who was disco dancing and who made Don run to the bathroom. Do you remember that, Don?
Don: I'd rather not remember that.
Chico: Ethel Merman much?
Gordon: I'll say this - she's better than the 75 year old
Chico: Good entertainment.
Gordon: Id say X...but they let Man-Kira through, so they'll let her through.
Chico: Monologue. Piers...almost gives her a heart attack. Worth $516.32? Yes. Worth $25,000 for 30 seconds? Maybe. Worth a million? No. She's a trooper, though.
Don: Indeed.
Gordon: You let Man-Kira through
Chico: It comes down to David...
Gordon: And you turn down the 80 year old?
Chico: David's father will be 82 tomorrow... and David gives her the business. She's going through to Vegas. Another quote. "Nobody knows what tomorrow will bring, so why not try?"
Gordon: This has gotten to be one of the weirder shows
Chico: Yep. Right down to the X reveal. With the Hoff slamming his buzzer... with his head.
Gordon: That pretty much sums off the show, as we get some of the best acts of the season going inn
Chico: Can Kashif Memon make it 20 acts in one night?
Gordon: While we see the judges advance some of the lamest acts.
Chico: He's a dancing sandwich shop owner.
Gordon: Oh no.
Chico: Special moves... Bollywood... As Gordon pits it... This will be either really good... or really bad.
Gordon: We have found the Sanjaya Malakar of dancing. X
Chico: That's... pretty interesting dancing there.
Don: It was... well, different.
Chico: It'd make Nigel Lythgoe cringe, but it's different. Piers says yes. Sharon says yes. David says yes.
Gordon: Ok. NOW Im leaving.
Chico: And as we leave the stage, we're greeted one more time... by Man-Kira. But the standout act of the night... Sideswipe.
Don: Agreed.
Chico: Next time, we'll see what the Big Apple has in store. We'll see you then.

 

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