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Today is

Semifinals 3 - July 26 (with added coverage for the now-departed "The One")
 
Gordon: As a wise old Chinese Proverbist says, 'You Must Take the Good with the Bad'.
Jason B.: I see.
Gordon: The good...we will be recapping America's Got Talent.
Jason B.: The bad?
Gordon: The Bad...we will also be recapping....wait for it...THE ONE
Travis: The Wha?
Don: Is that a joke?
Jason B.: How are we going to do both?
Gordon: We have done this before when we split screened Deal Or No Deal and American Idol. Joining us on this quest for enlightenment, we start with the home of Leonid the Magnificent, Mr. Jason Block.
Jason B.: Yo.
Gordon: Next up, the home of J. D. Fortune, Mr. Don 'The Donut' Harpwood.
Don: I wish I had talent.
Gordon: Finally, the home of Katharine McPhee, the newly placed Mr. Travis Schario.
Travis: I have a talent...but I can't talk about it in this county.
Gordon: But first...the bad...

THE ONE

Gordon: George Snuffleupagus says that life-changing moments have happened since the end of the show. The show starts with...5 minutes talking about everyone's agita. One of the singers says that she placed in the bottom three because no one watched the start of the show...no comment.
Jason B.: Wow.
Gordon: Aubrey and Nick have an off-stage romance, Aubrey shined. Nick...not so much. The singing so far has been...mediocre, which leaves me pining for Rock Star.
Don: Ouch.
Gordon: If these are the Top 12 they could find, then they need to get better talent representatives. Nick now has a surprise for Aubrey...he has a kid from his girlfriend - the one that he neglected to tell Aubrey about. Oops. A crying Aubrey goes away, and if Nick isn't gone this week, he will be next week. It's now a private time with the singers. Nick didn't want it to come out.
Oops. Ok. I've had enough of this for now...

AMERICA'S GOT TALENT

Jason B.: The 14 returning contestants from AGT come back for the next semi-final round.
Gordon: I'm glad that they are announcing the Top 14 instead of leaving them all hanging
Jason B.: They are giving them their 5 minutes.
Gordon: Of course, some of these acts are going to have a MAJOR disadvantage, because they are going to be seen for the first time (Vs. some that have already had time in the spotlight).
Travis: That may play well, though...Acts that haven't been seen will be considered fresher than the acts that have seen their time.
Jason B.: The judges eliminate 4 through rehearsal elimination. We won't know who those are, however, until the end of the show, after all of the acts have been announced.
Gordon: We get to see the Ten people who get to perform, a la Nashville Star
Jason B.: The buzzer has been modified to have a check or x, while the list of results have been been presented to Regis by...Donald Trump?
Gordon: The Donald gets to personally fire 4 people.
Jason B.: The Donald exclaims, "Stop Dressing Like Me"...his talents: making money, buliding buildings and "The Apprentice.". He gets X'd by the judges and "fired" by Regis. Back to the acts. The first to perform is...Team Acrodunk.
Don: They say they're planning to show something we haven't seen before.
Gordon: All of these things being done by members of the WNBA naked?
Jason B.: Woo-hoo.
Travis: Yeeeeeee:)
Gordon: We have double trampolines, balls on fish hooks, and guys sitting on the top of the basket
Jason B.: And a blast through a banner. Team Acrodunk is hot.
Don: That was awesome!
Jason B.: Mild Check.
Travis: I guess I'll just wait three hours to see the cool-ocity.
Jason B.: All three judges check them.

THE ONE

Gordon: Back to The One. There was an aura of negativity after the show. Scotty is trying to jump rope in hopes that the public will see him work out. They decide to all autograph a guitar and give it to the person who leaves. Cheery, no?
Don: Yipes
Gordon: Nick says he has to man up and do what he has to do. If Idol ever does this sort of thing, I will NEVER watch the show. EVER!
Jason B.: Idol will never do this crap.
Don: That's just a weird way to decide who's going home.
Gordon: George promises more on the story later on in the show. The bottom three are revealed by the audience, then the three judges will vote to save one of them. The final vote comes from...the other remaining contestants, as each of them vote one out.
Jason B.: That's about as confusing as the NFL Tie Breaker.
Don: Indeed.
Travis: No no...NFL makes more sense.
Gordon: I never thought I would beg a station to ship one of their own to the internet, but I may be begging now. Nick... is safe and hugs a not-so-safe Aubrey, who looks like she'd rather be eating glass than spending another week with Nick in the house. Adam, Kaitlynn and Aubrey are inthe Bottom Three. Adam wants to have fun. Aubrey wants to rock it. Kaitlynn wants to turn it up. I want to turn it off. Does anyone want to share the misery of watching the three
singers croon for their lives on ABC?
Jason B.: Hell no. Suffer in silence.
Gordon: This is like the minor league version of American Idol. The set is very schlocky, crossing the worst parts of Rock Star and the original preliminary Idol set. George Snuffleupagus is nowhere as fluid as Ryan Seacrest and actually makes Brooke Burke sound good. Who'd believe that?
Travis: Say Quois?
Gordon: Let's get out of this misery for a moment...

AMERICA'S GOT TALENT

Jason B.: And we are back on AGT...and act #2 is....Kaitlyn Taylor Love...12 yrs old from Arlington TX, singing "One Moment in Time" from Whitney Houston. She is off key. X for me
Gordon: Sorry Kaitlynn, you are off-pitch constantly here and it's not your time. X.
Jason B.: Piers becomes Simon and toasts her. Act #3---Sonya Li. She is from Detroit and an electric violinist.
Gordon: Oooh... pretty pink violin. You realize that she is playing an excerpt from Carmina Burana. One of my favorite pieces of all time.
Jason B.: Sonya...Good...but not good.
Gordon: Not always on tune, but very good.
Jason B.: Mild Check Piers hated it. David and Brandy check them. But David isn't sure she will make the finals. Sonia plays the theme to drive Piers nuts.
Gordon: She plays the theme from America's Got Talent out.

THE ONE

Gordon: Adam is up to sing first. The judges want him to sing out as he does Bob Marley's... well, I know it's 'I Shot the Sheriff', but would not have known what it is because I can't understand the lyrics. He can't hit the high notes and Kaitlyn Taylor Love sounds like Whitney compared to this.
Don: *Switches to The One; hears Adam's singing; switches right back to AGT*
Gordon: He did sound better than last night, but it's like me saying that the screeching cats sounded better than 3 car alarms played at the same time.Jason B.: I have heard the passion of cats outside my window...that's much better than this.
Gordon: And with AGT on commercial, we can all listen to Kaitlynn singing and George and the judges prattling. Mark Hudson, Andre Harrell, and Tara D'Aguardia give their thoughts. I hate to say this, but Rock Star judges are more insightful. I can't believe that I am praising Rock Star. Someone help me.
Jason B.: (hands Gordon Hemlock for after the show)
Gordon: As The One's Kaitlynn sings 'Barracuda' from Heart. I am looking for her to hit some semblance of pitch. Still waiting...
Jason B.: Horrible.
Don: I think I need earplugs.
Gordon: Would you rather hear Sonya or Caitlynn?
Don: Sonya.
Jason B.: Sonya.
Gordon: I want to see Bai Ling again. We now move to Aubrey Collins.
Jason B.: This guy looks like a fat Vince Vaughn.
Gordon: Which guy?
Jason B.: George Snuffleupagus
Gordon: Aubrey, after hearing Nick's news, destroys a guitar. Nice.
Jason B.: lovely.
Don: Yipes.
Gordon: Her song - I Love Rock and Roll by Joan Jett and the Blackhearts.
Thoughts?
Jason B.: I Hate her singing.
Don: I've heard better. Much better.
Gordon: So what if she screwed up the lyrics. She's actually on pitch...sort of.
Travis: Hate the singa, not the song.

AMERICA'S GOT TALENT

Jason B.: Next Act...Elliot Zimet. He is a hip hop magician in da Bronx.
Gordon: Can he outdo the bird tricks from last time? So far...no. He pulls out more birds, a cage and replaces the birds with a...big female bird. Sorry. I liked his first set better. X.
Jason B.: Sorry. I am giving you the bird. X
Gordon: Seen if before. Seen it done better. I wanted something done better and something that would have topped his last performance., I didn't get it.
Don: Shoulda done something different instead of... more birds. X
Jason B.: The three judges X him.
Gordon: Piers thought he wanted to be Justin Timberlake. Piers says that the only thing that went flying is a million bucks. I have to agree.

THE ONE

Gordon: The judges tell Adam that he needs to stay in tune. Uhh...shouldn't that be a prerequisite to get on the show?
Travis: You'd think.
Don: It should be... But apparently not for this show.
Gordon: We'll spare you the rest of judges prattle (which means absolutely nothing) as they decide to save...Caitlynn?? Wha?
Jason B.: Huh?
Don: I'd like to know how those judges were chosen to be judges.
Gordon: That leaves Aubrey and Adam. The contestants vote to see who sticks around. If they vote on who should stay, it SHOULD be Aubrey, but if they want to get rid of the drama and competition (as well as the storyline), then they will save Adam. We'll see who the lemmings save after...

AMERICA'S GOT TALENT

Jason B.: Next act on AGT...Ten13Concept.
Gordon: At least the lead vocalist will feel right at home with the singers from The One. X.
Jason B.: The Mighty Mighty Bosstones did this better. Ugh. X
Don: X
Jason B.: And Brandy, Piers and David X them.
Gordon: Piers says their music can be a hit in Germany. I think you'd be insulting the Germans.
Travis: ...or David
Jason B.: The only person who I see going through so far is Team Acrodunk.

THE ONE

Gordon: Back to The One. Caitlynn and Nick vote for Aubrey. Everyone else votes for Adam. So advancing is...Adam???
Don: Ick.
Gordon: So the best singer of the three goes home and there goes your plotline out the window.
Jason B.: pretty much.
Gordon: They end this with a brutal rendition of 'Don't Let The Sun Go Down On Me'
Gordon: Aubrey gets the guitar of doom and a funeral still of Aubrey. Thoughts on the Final Number?
Don: I need to clean some blood from my ears after hearing that last performance on The One.
Gordon: And we move on to the final hour of America's Got Talent as my ears attempt to recover.

AMERICA'S GOT TALENT

Jason B.: Next--Vivian Smallwood--the Rapping Granny from LA--she is 73. (C-Note: If the name sounds familiar, she was on a couple of TV shows such as "Everybody Hates Chris" and "Big Bad Beetleborgs").
Gordon: This was awful the first time I heard her. Can we bring the One Back for the next 5 minutes?
Jason B.: X...she dont have skillz.
Gordon: If my ears weren't injured before hearing the final song of The One, they are now. X.
Don: X
Jason B.: They all Check her.
Gordon: Brandy says that she has a shot of winning the competition. Unfortunately, I think she's right.
Jason B.: so do I.
Gordon: Who wouldn't vote for a 73 year old rapping granny?
Don: Good point.
Gordon: The history of the American Voting Public has voted for worse talents to win competitions.
Jason B.: That is for sure. 4 more acts to go.
Gordon: And quite honestly, with the exception of Acrodunk, none of the other acts this evening have shown much. I could see her get in the finals
Don: Against what we've seen so far, it definitely looks possible.
Gordon: Piers is praising the Rapping Granny. I need some antacid.
Jason B.: Nathan Burton is the next act. Las Vegas comedy magician.
Gordon: Magicians have so far been zero for one tonight. Nathan brings out 4 girls for Piers, then he gets into a cage. They unveil a poster of him, shoot it at the judges, and then Nathan shows up behind them.
Jason B.: Not bad.
Gordon: Nathan Burton may have a shot at being close to Lance Burton. Me likey.
Jason B.: Me likey too.
Don: That was cool.
Jason B.: All three check him through.
Gordon: Piers says that Nathan impressed him and raised the bar. I have to agree.
Don: At this point, I'd like to see Nathan in the finals.
Gordon: How much you want to bet that Bianca Ryan is the last act?
Jason B.: I would put the house on it...Well...Bianca is next....:)
Gordon: Well, there goes Jason Block's house.
Jason B.: Ha.
Travis: If you ship the house out here, I'll take it.
Jason B.: She is 11 yrs old.
Gordon: Now, my biggest concern was that she would be a one trick pony. She decides to go Rock with 'Take Another Little Piece of My Heart'
Jason B.: By Janis Joplin.
Gordon: Good. Not as good as last time. That could be problematic.
Jason B.: Could be.
Gordon: Well...Who am I kidding? The judges will put her through if she doesn't get the popular vote.
Jason B.: She is better than anything on the One or Rock Star.
Gordon: Agreed.
Don: Definitely.
Gordon: Then again, The Rapping Granny is better than anything then The One or Rock Star. The judges all agree with us, and they say that maybe she's not a lock this time. Piers tells Bianca to tone it down. Brandy is visibly shaking her head no.
Jason B.: She will be in the finals.
Gordon: I do agree with Piers that she needs to improve that song selection. I think she is behind both Nathan and the Rapping Granny.
Jason B.: I disagree. I would put her 2nd behind Nathan. Then Acrodunk and Granny.
Gordon: I definitely think those are your top 4 and a HUGE gap between them and everyone else.
Jason B.: Two acts to go....
Gordon: Next up...Kenny Shelton, the juggler who screwed up??!?
Jason B.: Alpine, CA.
Don: You're kidding...
Gordon: Kenny gets a massive reprieve, saying that if he fails, he fails, but he says he did it.
Don: I wouldn't have expected David to allow this.
Gordon: Regis allows the fire department to show up for Kenny's act, which I'm guessing involves something flaming. No, not Lance Bass.
Jason B.: LOL
Don: Ouch!
Jason B.: YOW!
Gordon: We have flaming golf balls (though he did use gloves), then flaming torches,
Jason B.: Now he does 9 of them.
Gordon: Cute. Been done before. Not worth a million. X.
Jason B.: Good, but not great. X
Gordon: Piers...gives him a check?
Jason B.: So does David. And Brandy completes the Trifecta. (shudder)
Gordon: The judges give him a check for not having anything falling into the audience and killing anyone. Kenny gets his closure...and I'm guessing that's all he's getting.
Jason B.: Pretty much. One act to go.
Gordon: Kenny wants you to vote for him because he didn't drop anything. Ooooook.
Jason B.: And the last act is....
Gordon: Trey Knight's Stilt World. 6 people dancing on Stilts.
Jason B.: Do you know the music Gordon?
Gordon: Can't say I do. Can't say I'm impressed either. X.
Jason B.: And someone fell. Kiss of Death. X
Don: Ouch. X
Gordon: At least it wasn't the person with the flaming torches so that the fire department didn't have to come out.
Jason B.: David is the only one who checks them through. So the top 4 for me....Nathan, Bianca, Acrodunk, Granny.
Gordon: Trey defends it by saying that they would never sit down for 3 hours and then have to perform immediately. I would agree with hiim...but...they have to perform for television. My Top 4 - Nathan, Acrodunk, Bianca, Granny.
Don: I'd have to say Nathan, Acrodunk, Bianca, Granny for Top 4 as well.
Jason B.: Who do you think the judges will put through?
Gordon: I would have to say (groan) the Rapping Granny
Jason B.: Yuck.
Gordon: You can't spiel about the Granny and then not vote her in. I think that Nathan was the best, but the Granny won the hearts and is a sucker to win this.
Jason B.: And all the acts come out for a bow.
Gordon: The judges have voted in....The Rapping Granny.
Don: Figures.
Jason B.: Of course. Now....who does America choose?
Gordon: Who should - Nathan Burton. Who will - Bianca.
Jason B.: Should Bianca...Will Bianca.
Don: I'm hoping for Nathan to go through.
Gordon: We get the list of numbers, and that ends the show. For Don, Jason and Travis, this is Gordon Pepper, thanking you for reading about the best...and the worst...of the evening.

---

The next evening, the viewer's results were given... and Bianca Ryan is off to the finals. Joining her, Realis, At Last, The Millers, Taylor Ware, and judge's favorite from last night, Vivian "The Rappin' Granny" Smallwood.

More talent next week.

 

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