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Today is

Auditions: Midwest - July 5
 
Gordon: Hello once again. This is the recap for America's Got Talent. Feel free to either praise the talent or make fun of it. Or make fun of Regis...or whatever.
Chico: Well, might as well go into detail as to what happened last week. And there will be no making fun of the Regis.
Gordon: Says you.
Chico: Hmph. Well, here's what happened...

1) A dude played the guitar while sitting on his own butt...
2) A dude in angel-wings almost impales himself.
3) A chick undresses as a video game character.
4) Team cloggers.
5) Team martial artists.
6) A little girl brings America to its feet.

Jason H.: I can play the guitar while sitting on my own butt....which I will now demonstrate..... any requests?
Gordon: And with that, we welcome all of you to another entertaining edition of the America's Got Talent Recap. I'm Gordon Pepper, he's Chico Alexander, and let's introduce the panel, starting with our very own guitarist butt guy, Mr. Jason Hernandez!
Jason H.: Hehe, and.....AND I can clog, too.
Philip: ha ha
Jason B.: And swing dance.
Jason H.: And swing dance - which you guys will learn. :-p
Gordon: Next up, a guy who we don't want to see stripping in a Snow White costume, Mr. Jason Block.
Jason B.: Good evening.
Gordon: if there was a martial art called Donut Fu, he'd know it. Next up - Mr. Don Harpwood. Not necessarily, we'd all watch the next 2 episodes on tape delay - lol
Don: Hi-ya! *Kicks a piece of wood*
Philip: Wow
Gordon: And finally, a guy who loved his first experience so much...or he spent too much time with Leonid the Magnificent, Mr. 'I won a car on Spelling Bee on The Price is Right, what have YOU done lately', Philip Cousin, ladies and gentlemen!
Jason B.: Hey Philip.
Philip: Thank you, sir.
Chico: So question... More Bianca Ryans tonight... or more Marlon Reynoldses?
Gordon: Probably a bit of both.
Chico: Tonight, Chicago. Home of... da Bears.
Gordon: Da Bears.
Philip: Right on
Chico: I was waiting for someone to say that =p
Philip: Da cubs
Chico: and Da Bulls.
Gordon: and Da Sox
Chico: But will we see da funk... or da noise?
Jason H.: I bring da noise, y'all bring da funk.
Don: A bit of this, a bit of that...
Philip: Is this a chat room or Soul Train?
Chico: A little bit of both.
Philip: I'm mad Soul Train's cancelled
Jason B.: Here we go...and we are on tape!
Chico: That's cool, too.
Gordon: Just a reminder, if you don't like the talent, you put an X by your text, like this....X
Chico: X
Philip: Oh, I get it
Chico: And here's Regis!
Gordon: As we start the show and hear the crowd chant Regis's name...gee, Regis has Game Shows to thank for the resurgence of his career, doesn't he?
Chico: Hell yeah.
Jason B.: Yes.
Don: Indeed.
Jason H.: and playing guitar
Chico: Him and David Hasselhoff and Brandy and whoever the dude is on the end :)
Philip: LOL
Jason B.: PIers Morgan.
Chico: I know. I was making a point.
Jason H.: No X's by me!
Gordon: Who blew in from the Windy City...and who just blew? As Chicago is the last audition stop, the contestants came from all over.
Chico: And of course, they all have one goal in mind... the $1 million at the end.
Philip: yeah
Chico: And they all think one thing... America's Got Talent. Yeah, we'll be the judge of that. First up, the Chicago Matadors, dancers at Bulls game.
Chico: again... da Bulls.
Don: Um...
Gordon: And the smallest person has to weigh at least 400 pounds
Chico: X
Don: Yipes. X
Jason B.: A bunch of fat guys dancing....X
Chico: It's scary.
Gordon: Are you sure that they AREN'T the Bulls - of another type? Ole! X
Philip: LOL
Chico: They just gave their all... and I'm wondering where we can return it.
Gordon: Fortunately, the segment was edited. Unfortunately, we have to witness all of it, as Hasselhoff is the lone hold-out.
Chico: David: "The operative word, can't touch this."
Gordon: Regis tells the Matadors to go after Piers, and one of them adds that he's hungry. heh.
Jason B.: But he says NO.
Chico: Piers concurs.
Jason B.: And Brandy makes the Trifecta.
Chico: after the crowd chants "One more chance."
Jason B.: Next is the "Passing Zone"
Chico: Next, John & Owen, the Passing Zone. And a bowling ball - thrown and nailed on someone's face.
Don: Ouch!
Chico: That hurt. It's a rubber ball, though.
Jason B.: A boring comedy act so far.
Gordon: I'd like them to pass on by...
Chico: They're juggling next six torches on a rollabolla.. thing.
Don: Are they really gonna do that?
Chico: Did we mention blindfolded?
Philip: Sorry, I'm lost
Gordon: We're lost too, Phil - and we're watching it. X
Chico: BTW, they're not blindfolded... One is just standing on top of the other. Insert joke here.
Jason B.: Impress me more. X
Chico: "Risking our lives for your amusement." Apt. X. David says what we're all thinking: "That's the act?"
Philip: oh
Don: Too short. X
Gordon: Piers asks about the clothes. he responds that it would be better to wear it. Piers wants to see them back with new stuff.
Philip: yeah
Chico: Piers says there's something there. David wanted to see more.
Gordon: David doesn't want them back, but Brandy wants more. They come back.
Chico: Brandy loves it. She'll give them a pass.
Jason B.: 2-1 bringing them back...yuck.
Gordon: I was more entertained by the fat people.
Chico: Next, the Miller Brothers. One on guitar. The other on the 'monica.
Gordon: Oh look, a kiddie group that's going to get in because they are cute kids although their talent is mediocre. Yawn.
Jason B.: Sweet Home Alabama
Jason H.: *plays along*
Jason B.: A bad Blues Traveler. X
Don: Meh... X
Gordon: X
Chico: I've seen better done by younger. X
Gordon: How bad are we to go about X-ing little kids.
Chico: Nice harp on the young'un, though.
Gordon: If it was just him alone, I'd like it. He's stuck with a brother though.
Chico: Piers: "Bad news, you are a terrible singer."
Gordon: And Piers calls him on it, telling him not to sing.
Chico: "Good news, you are the best harmonica player I've ever seen." So they pass them through.
Gordon: Ick.
Chico: Best half of an act I've ever seen.
Jason B.: Yuck.
Don: Provided the young one doesn't sing anymore...
Gordon: I liked Taylor Hicks's Harmonica better.
Don: Same here.
Jason B.: Taylor can play the harp.
Philip: nice
Jason B.: Can you believe every date on the AI tour is sold out :)
Chico: Yep. The weird thing, though. I was at ... a leading discount department store whose name begins with W...
Gordon: Actually, I can. From top to bottom, it's the best AI Top Ten ever.
Chico: And I saw unsold copies of Kat's single. Think about that.
Jason B.: Its ok...Wal-Mart isn't criminal.
Gordon: That doesn't surprise me - the single blew.
Chico: You bought a copy?
Gordon: No - I heard it in Tower Records
Chico: ah
Gordon: Thank you , Scan-bot
Chico: You'd still hit that, though, right? =p
Gordon: The Scan bot? are you nuts?
Philip: lol
Chico: Err... anyways, we're back with more talent.
Jason H.: Oh no!!!!
Chico: Next is Lilia Stepanova, who you might remember for an ep of IGAS
Jason H.: We would?
Chico: We would, JD.
Don: Oh, I remember her.
Chico: A contortionist archer.
Jason B.: Was she on Master of Champions too?
Jason H.: Oh! Her!
Chico: Might've.
Jason H.: RAWR!
Chico: I'll have to check.
Don: I find that impressive every time I see that.
Gordon: She can bend over backwards and shoot arrows - with her toes.
Jason B.: (applause)
Chico: Which we already knew. I'll give her a pass, no problem. The guys say yes... and I agree.
Jason B.: Shawn Crump.
Don: A singer that claims to be awesome.
Chico: Doubtful
Gordon: He's been singing for 9 months...and he says he's awesome. Ready for the car crash?
Jason B.: Seat Belt Fastened.
Gordon: Crash in 3...2...1...Boom. X
Don: Key word: claims. X
Chico: X
Jason B.: X Brace Yourself...:)
Chico: Come on, Brandy... there you go. Audition over. Get out. I don't want to hear anything from this guy.
Jason B.: The GSNN Chant...You Suck...
Chico: GET OUT!
Gordon: Sean wants another song. Piers says that they have suffered enough as Sean gets booed off-stage. He says he shall return. We all hope not.
Chico: Mark Faje is next. He's "The world's most dangerous comic."
Jason B.: Hang on to your jocks...folks.
Gordon: He wants to catch a bowling ball with his face - with steak knives while setting it on fire.
Jason H.: Oh no!!!!!!!
Chico: With a scorpion in his mouth.
Jason H.: Oh dear goodness
Don: Well, he has the dangerous part right.
Gordon: And to add it - he decides to instead move the black emperor scorpion to his pants.
Chico: "This is not comedy. This is not juggling. This is stupidity." Got that right. X
Gordon: I have a black emperor Scorpion in my pants, baby.
Chico: Too. Much. Information.
Jason B.: And he does it....but I still...X
Don: And he says he has more for later...
Chico: And he says he'll do a trick that got him banned in England if he returns
Jason B.: And he says he is banned in 3 countries.
Gordon: He's been banned in 3 countries. I want to see him back so he can be banned in this one. Me likey.
Chico: He's going through.
Gordon: The judges all pass him through.
Chico: Another cute kid, more balloons, and a bird caller next. First, the bird caller.
Jason B.: ....after the break.
Jason H.: Guys, I think I've had enough. :p
Chico: Good call, JD. Or you can pop in that ep of IGAS. It's essentially the same act.
Gordon: At the halfway mark of the show, and is it just me, or is this episode flat?
Chico: Err... better than the first, not as good as last week.
Don: I was certainly expecting more by this point...
Jason B.: Nothing has blown me away.
Chico: I liked Lilia, though. Next, Sharon Kissane, a bird caller. She "converses" with birds.
Philip: wow
Don: I'm not exactly sure if this'll be entertaining enough, if you ask me.
Chico: And there's the bird she's going to call.
Gordon: I hear her calling for birds. I only hear crickets responding.
Chico: "Some of it you can't repeat on television." X
Gordon: I wouldn't not want to see this repeated on television. X
Jason B.: X
Chico: There's my bird. Call it.
Don: X
Gordon: Piers, who has hit Brandy's buzzer, has decided to give Sharon the bird.
Chico: Brandy says what we're thinking: "What the hell was that?"
Gordon: David tells Sharon to take medication and Piers wonders if Sharon got on the wrong bus.
Chico: Piers: "The only bird I can think of was the cuckoo."
Philip: heh
Gordon: Can we bring the fat people back? Please?
Jason B.: No way!
Gordon: Come to think of it, Leonid the Magnificent is looking pretty good right now. Maybe he should have gone to the Chicago auditions.
Chico: Here we go...Next, Taylor Ware, an 11-year-old yodeler. She sings AND yodels. She's a good singer. The yodeling... umm... I defer to the panel. Since yodeling under regular circumstances tends to bring about my twitch-fu.
Jason B.: I like her. She goes through.
Gordon: She's an ok singer, but the fact of the matter is before that, the most talented performer on this show was a man who puts insects down his pants, so she should be a lock to get in.
Don: I'm not a fan of yodeling...
Jason B.: But she is talented.
Chico: I'd give her a pass.
Philip: pass
Don: True.
Gordon: She has a better vibrato than Carmen Rasmussen though
Chico: The judges love it. And she's through
Jason B.: Buster Balloon is next.
Chico: Next, Buster Balloon, a balloon entertainer. Preemptive strike. X
Gordon: Like the Fat Bulls, I've also seen this on an NBA Halftime shows. Unlike most halftime shows though, the bubble doesn't explode during the performance.
Don: Ouch. X
Jason B.: X
Chico: WHOA. It popped.
Don: Oh, he has a spare.
Chico: But still, that isn't something you should have to do. And he lost his pants.
Don: He'd better stay in that balloon, then.
Jason B.: With him in a big pink balloon...It's Kirby!
Chico: Hey it's.... uhh, what Block said. Bring back Lilia and the yodeler.
Gordon: It would have been better if the pants had a scorpion in it. X.
Chico: "It doesn't usually burst." Yeah, well you did today.
Gordon: And NBA Halftime Acts are 0 for 2.
Chico: Time for another roll call. It's the Laughing Yogi! Star of many a viral video.
Jason B.: And Flippy the Magnificent.
Chico: Next up, Flippy... and a friend. X
Gordon: Flippy the magnificent is dancing...with a blow up doll. At least I'm getting more laughs out of it than most of the comedians. And he's putting the male blow-up doll...in provocative positions.
Don: I don't want to know what this is supposed to be. X
Chico: This is up there with the pirates and the horse.
Gordon: This would be the equivalent of the pirates making whoopie to the horse. X
Jason B.: X
Chico: What the hell was that? "You are a ridiculous act, and you've wasted our time."
Gordon: Apparently, Chicago has a Chelsea section too.
Chico: Next, the Players Club.
Gordon: The Players Club is all about Step. I've been to Step expos. I love Step.
Jason B.: Here we go....
Don: This is neat.
Chico: Look at 'em go. Piers says no... Why? Don't know.
Gordon: They are not the best Step group I've ever seen. Actually, this is sloppy. But even mediocre Step is good. Me Likey.
Jason B.: Piers doesn't like it...but I do. Pass.
Chico: This is good stuff. My High School Alma Mater had a step team.
Gordon: My College Alma Mater had one, too
Chico: Piers says no. "You've got something, but the act left him a bit cold."
Gordon: Brandy agrees with me - They are coming back, but they need to be tighter.
Jason B.: With all due respect, Gordon...I cant believe you know about step :P
Gordon: I went to Step Competitions in College. I didn't compete in them, but I loved watching them.
Chico: I think Gordon could step with a few lessons.
Jason B.: It was also in a Spike Lee movie...the college ones...School Daze.
Gordon: I'm a percussionist. I am all about rhythm. I did some Step in college...and I could out DDR you and Chico.
Jason B.: You and Maddie at Disney....the 18th :P
Gordon: lol
Chico: It's gonna be hot. But can you DDR while juggling torches?
Gordon: No. Nor have I ever had a desire to do so.
Chico: Next, the Laughing Yogi.
Don: Uh...X
Chico: Something tells me he has a new video now. X
Gordon: His Yoga is making me...sleeeeepyyyy....ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZX
Chico: The judges buzz him out of his ... err.. elatedness?
Jason B.: x
Gordon: Can we bring back Flippy and his rubber friend?
Chico: NO!
Don: NO!
Jason B.: HELL NO!
Chico: Next is the Quick Change Artists. Again, another pact from 30 Seconds to Fame. They're quick change illusionists. And the judges are awestruck.
Jason B.: Damn.
Don: How do they do that?
Chico: I don't know. It's amazing, though.
Jason B.: Best Act of the night. Wow.
Don: Agreed.
Chico: That's like... yeah, what Jason B. said.
Gordon: It's another repeat - but a nice one though. Me likey.
Chico: Brandy is floored. How did they do that? "We can tell you, but then we'd have to make you disappear."
Gordon: David gives them a standing Ovation.
Chico: I don't care how they did it. I just want to see them do it again. And we'll get a chance as they sail through to the next round. And speaking of which, we're going to get a bit of how the next round will work after this well-timed break.

(C-Note: Kay Turbow, Sonja, and Chadwick also make it through to the next round.)

Chico: Next time, America gets the buzzer, as the semi-finals begin.
Gordon: We get to vote as we see the semi-finalists next week. Special thanks to Jason H., Don, Jason B. and Phil for joining us.
Chico: Should be a hot one. For Gordon, Jason B., Jason H., Don, and Philip. I'm Chico. Goodnight, America!
 

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