Auditions: East Coast - June 28|
Chico: Last week, we had a juggler, a rappin'
granny, a singer, another juggler, a dog in an Ali G suit, another juggler,
another singer, a bird that does sound effects, Blue Velvet, and... well, this.
(cue the pirates dryhumping the horse)
Chico: Next up, New York City and the East Coast! I'm Chico Alexander, alongside
Don Harpwood and Gordon Pepper... and America's Got Talent!
Don: And there's Regis!
Chico: New York's favorite son Regis is back in the Big Apple for more
auditions. Thousands came to Times Square, as we search for more Broadway-style
talent... as we're joined by someone who knows New York well... Mr. G-Pep.
Gordon: I would like to state that any of these idiots from the NYC area who
show up are not representative of either the area or myself.
Chico: Thank you, Haterade. Anyhoo, You know the deal. Each judge has an X.
Three Xs.. Hit the hook. First up, All That...They clog. As in with shoes. They
clog up to Usher's Caught Up.
Gordon: Should All That seem familiar? They should, if you've seen Extreme Gong,
30 Seconds to Fame, or any other dance talent show.
Chico: Didn't they win at least one of those?
Don: I wouldn't be surprised.
Gordon: They won Extreme Gong and came in second on 30 Seconds to Fame.
Chico: Right. This should be a breeze then, as we see why they won Gong.
Gordon: Don't they have laws on these things?
Chico: Yeah, give it a year. Same as everyone else. Brandy, David, and Piers
think they can win the whole thing... well, Brandy and David think so, at least.
Piers: "I don't like you, because every woman in America will love you." So the
NYC gets off to a winning start.
Gordon: Well, sure they do. Only 2 shows to rehearse with before this one =P.
Chico: William J. McGowan is next, and he's a singer. Thinks he has a God-given
Gordon: He has a god given talent to sing, and he's never taken a lesson before.
This looks like a car crash in the making.
Chico: Caramia is the song...
Gordon: Mama Mia. X
Chico: Crash ensues. X
Don: Oh, boy... X. There was a kid covering his ears in the audience...
Chico: Go home... PLEASE. Come on, someone...
Don: A dog whimpered!
Gordon: He does sing in tune, I'll give him that. He really should be taking
lessons on that tone.
Chico: Try volume.
Gordon: And the judges buzz us out of our misery.
Chico: Piers: "You are comfortably the worst singer I've ever heard." And I am
inclined to agree.
Gordon: Brandy - 'William, you can't sing...it's a hell no for me. Ouch.'
Chico: Damn, Brandy. In the second act: Leonid the Magnificent...
Gordon: Oh...Good...Grief. Leonid the Magnificent is on, and he's wearing shorts
and an Angels wings.
Chico: And lipstick. And lots of face rouge. He's originally from Russia, now
living in Brooklyn...
Gordon: He's from Brooklyn? Maybe Jason Block has hung out with him once in a
Chico: Let's paint a mental picture... man... full makeup... angel's wings...
platform shoes. I get it.. He thinks this is a showgirl audition!
Gordon: Which is a normal occurrence if you travel in Chelsea.
Chico: Right. Let's see what this guy can do. He has a sword now..and he's
balancing it on a knife...in his mouth.
Gordon: Oh look. He's voguing with his sword - and almost drops it, which would
have given us the first public self-embowelment on TV.
Chico: Crap, that was close. Piers, who X's him, doesn't like sword droppings.
Gordon: And he's trying to do the splits while balancing it. First try....didn't
work. Second try worked.
Chico: Now the balance on a string. And he makes it. We almost lost a Leonid
Gordon: Piers wants him mounted on his Christmas Tree. No comment.
Chico: Piers: "You'd be perfect for my Christmas tree. Otherwise, you're
magnificently useless." Brandy disagrees. David.. was afraid he was going to die
on stage. He's the tiebreaker... He says no.
Gordon: That would have been entertainment.
Chico: Someone dying on stage?
Gordon: If I can't have emboweling with the stars, maybe we can have emboweling
with the Leonid.
Chico: You're a sick man. Next, Elliot Zimet. And the mic doesn't work. But it's
okay, because he's working on magic.
Don: Ah, a magic act.
Chico: Making doves appear. Trivia: doves are the ideal bird in magic acts.
They're small and don't make much noise. And then, he turns one into a parrot.
Don: That was neat.
Chico: Piers thought it was fun. David, also pleasantly surprised. He's through.
Gordon: Magicians on the entertainment value are now 2-0. If he has any extra
doves, then I guess he can give us all the bird.
Chico: wah wah wahhhh
Gordon: And now, the sob story of the night.
Chico: Next, a singing harpist from the Bronx. Corina Brouder. What's the sob
Gordon: We have a woman who sings and plays of the harp as she entertained her
sister in the hospital. And then she was asked to bring back her song to cheer
up the other people in the hospital. AwwwwBarf.
Chico: Ah, right. She sings "Angel" by Sarah Maclachlan. That... was way...
too.. short. But beautiful.
Don: Nice performance.
Gordon: At least she's not an ordinary singer who just stands there and eats the
mike. She's got a big harp, baby.
Chico: Big harp.. BIG HARP! All three judges agree with us on that, and she's
through. Next, Dave Smith, who plays the guitar... as a human pretzel. The song,
"Bend Me Shake Me." Of course.
Gordon: So he can bend his legs behind his head. Too bad he can't bend his vocal
Chico: This is without a doubt, the weirdest thing I've seen tonight. David
gives him the razz.
Gordon: He should - Dave's a 1 trick pony
Chico: But he's through. Why? No clue.
Gordon: Piers and I have the same thought - 'Because you're really amusing, come
back and do something else really stupid'.
Don: Man, that looks painful.
Chico: Now it's Leonid's return. Gordon, man this, please.
Gordon: Does anyone think that this isn't staged? Leonid comes over and pleads
for a second chance, adding that for 33 years he wants to be on the stage and
show what he can do. 'For you I can be Christmas Tree. For someone else I can be
G-d.' I'm feeling quite ill. Piers says that it's about the passion and the
hunger, and he'll give Leonid 1 more chance. Leonid promises that he won't be
Chico: And Piers changes his mind... Why?
Gordon: Because the audience would probably strangle him if he didn't.
Chico: That would do it. Next, PBM, a rock group. They want to be the next big
thing out of Detroit.
Gordon: I never realized that Detroit was in the NYC area.
Chico: They're getting the whole East Coast out of the way today. I heart ska.
Gordon: And Detroit has been on the east coast since when?
Gordon: A quick X from Piers
Chico: Piers doesn't heart ska. "You're a good band. You have a problem. Get a
great lead singer." David likes ska. Brandy's the tiebreaker... They're
Gordon: I thought they were...ok. Ok in my mind isn't good enough for a million
Chico: But still, better than some of the stuff we've seen tonight of the last
couple of weeks.
Gordon: I'd rather see them than All That
Chico: Next up, Frank Simon and a NEW RANGE...and a new bike! Both of which he
balances on his face.
Gordon: And a new...X! X
Chico: It's new.... Give him that... but that's all I'll give him. Bring back
the guitar dude. X.
Chico: Crowd loves him.
Gordon: I think it would be much more entertaining if he can take the butt of
the guitar dude and balance him on his face.
Chico: That... that would be a show.
Gordon: Brandy - 'The level of talent that we've seen is...different'
Chico: Piers hits it on the head. This is a talent show, not a freak show.
Gordon: On that note, we have a man that can do beat box effects with his mouth.
Chico: Next, Matthew Furman, he's a Naval Reservist, and he'll be doing vocal
Don: Takes off the shirt...
Chico: Shirtless vocal sound effects.
Gordon: Ok. This is icky.
Chico: He must be part PC. Piers likes Macs.
Gordon: I love Macs. X
Chico: All the judges love Macs. At least Matthew is gracious in defeat.
Gordon: Regis tells David that he used to look like that. He probably used to
make the weird noises, too.
Chico: Next, Michelle L'amour... also known as a woman dressed as the
aforementioned Aeris Gainsborough.
Gordon: It's Snow White...being sultry and ...stripping.
Chico: Cosplay is not a talent. X
Gordon: Me likey.
Chico: Stripping cosplay.. doubly not a talent. (hits Gordon's X).
Gordon: Don't you dare hit my X!
Chico: Don't have to. She's razzed out.
Don: Brandy hit her buzzer, and manages to hit the other buzzers...
Gordon: It's just like a bikini, only sparklier. She's definitely the most
exciting woman in the competition.
Chico: Piers.. not surprisingly, says yes.
Gordon: WHOO HOO!!!
Chico: David.. not surprisingly, says yes. It's the restraining order talking.
Gordon: WHOO!! HOOOO!!!! Brandy...well it doesn't really matter what Brandy
thinks now, does it? She admits it, and Michelle moves on.
Chico: That is not worth a million. I'm sorry.
Gordon: She's worth a couple of hundred....that I can stick in her g-string.
Gordon: She's definitely the most titillating.
Chico: Got the titillating part right.
Gordon: Ok. I officially found my favorite act of the series. Michelle L'Amour
is my NEW Game Show hussy! YAY! I wanna get her on WLTI. Can I, daddy?
Chico: You can.. but no drooling.
Gordon: Whoo-hoooooo!!!!! Michelle, if you're reading this, the e-mail is email@example.com
Chico: Sigh. Next, Sideswipe. They're a martial arts act.
Gordon: Well, it's different, and like all martial arts acts, they take off
Chico: ... Different yes. And Synchronized. That performance was worth the 20
Gordon: Not that synchronized, but I find this much more impressive than All
Chico: Piers was waiting all day for this.
Don: That was awesome.
Gordon: Me likey.
Chico: The judges agree with us, as they kick ass... with class... and they're
Gordon: And well earned, if I may say so.
Chico: Next is Marlon Reynolds... and he left his heart in San Francisco..
Gordon: He left his talent there too. X
Don: And his voice. X
Chico: Agreed. X
Chico: Next, Bianca Ryan, an 11-year-old singer.
Gordon: No one is going to X a little kid. She'll go through and I don't even
have to hear the act.
Chico: "I'm Not Going Anywhere." Holy crap. Girl got PIPES!
Gordon: She's got pipes, and she can certainly belt out the tunes.
Chico: You can't deny that she's any good though. Especially not... after...
Gordon: She's very good. She's technically nice. She's the best singer in the
competition so far.
Chico: Note that shook the heavens. She is Brandy's favorite. Piers says
change... well, basically everything about her appearance, and she'll win this
tournament. David says that she's a star. She's EASILY through.
Gordon: Sure...but what does she do for an encore?
Chico: I don't know. How on earth are you going to follow that? She set a bar
now. The onus is on her to do better than herself. Question now is... is it
Don: I don't know...
Gordon: Usually, it's not. She could fall victim to the American Idol curse
Chico: Explain, please.
Gordon: Remember when the favorites who go into Idol don't win it because they
can't come up with an encore? They can't follow it up. I think that is what may
Chico: Ah, right. Well, we'll see what happens next, week.
Gordon: At least we actually had GOOD acts this week, thanks to my hometown, of
course. And Michelle, e-mail me girl. please.
Chico: Hey, New York, New York, baby. Next up, Chicago. My kind of town baby.
Don, your thoughts?
Don: We saw some really cool acts.
Chico: Any favorites?
Don: Sideswipe rocked.
Chico: Indeed. But I'm afraid the game ball goes to Bianca this round. Although
I'm sure Gordon will make a case for Michelle L'amour and her tearaway Final
Don: Wouldn't surprise me.
Gordon: Anyone got a Moogle outfit lying around somewhere?
Chico: Sigh. So while he thinks on that, we're going to take a breather, come
back next week for more of this... stuff. Good night, Don.
Don: Good night, Chico.
Chico: Good night, Gordon.
Gordon: good night all
Chico: Goodnight America and... spread the love.
(C-Note: The following passing acts were not televised: The Hephill Kids, Daniel
Colon, 1013 Concept, Aaron Burr, Sean Ryan, Clarence Donaldson, Billy Dell'uario,
and the King Charles Unicycle Group)