Episode 29.3 - Hitting The Big Time
January 23

Chico: And no one won.
Gordon: Welcome back to the show
Chico: Thanks for being a part of our week and allowing us to be a part of yours. And you look like you could use a drink. So we'll simply ask... Pick your poison. It's simple really, I give you a choice, you choose and be sure to show your work.
Gordon: Let's start it with this...

Would you want to be on Season 2 of The Substitute, or Season 4 of Silent Library?

Chico: Substitute. I can't stay quiet for anything. That and I have a fire buzzer hand.
Gordon: Now I like Money.
Chico: We know you like money. We'd say you love money, but that's another show.
Gordon: And I know that if any of our group wins anything, I get money. And I'd rather get some money than almost guaranteed to get no money, even if the money is bigger. So I'll go to Silent Library and get me a Hannibal Lecter mask to keep your mouth shut.
Chico: With pleasure, sir! Next...

Would you design a tattoo for a pig... or a dress for a pig?

Gordon: Home Economics was required in High School. Fancy dressmaker I'm not. I'll take my chances with the tattoo.
Chico: Okay, now I also love Miss Piggy. I love her enough to know that she has very exacting tastes. She wants what she wants, and nothing but.
Gordon: I do too. and if you put enough tattoos on it, you get a football :)
Chico: The pig, on the other hand, is dead. And if you mess up, no big deal. Imagine that happening to a real person, though. I'll take the pig. And afterwards, we'll have pork carnitas. Omnomnom.
Gordon: And throw around the pigskin later. Go Giants (waves banner)
Chico: woop WOOP! Next?
Gordon: Next one...

Play Ten Chances for 1 Car or Triple Play for 3 Cars.

Chico: Ten Chances. It's easier. And if you do it right, you'll get it no problem.
Gordon: But you can get THREE cars.
Chico: The problem is lately people have been over thinking it. I know I can get three cars, I only need but the one.
Gordon: Your sister Quisla would be mad.
Chico: Of course, I'd give the other two to my sister and my hetero bro-mate Gordon Pepper. But damn if it wouldn't be hard. I'd rather give you the blender and Quisla the recumbent bicycle. That sounds wrong.
Gordon: Give Quisla the blender and I'll take the bowling equipment
Chico: There you go. Next up...

Let's say you're a summer intern at NBC, and Craig Plestis completely took leave of his senses and allowed you to either renew Who's Still Standing or bring back Minute to Win It. Which move do you make?

Gordon: Minute to Win it, without a doubt. Forget about the ratings, which are low enough so you can add a vat of salt and make a man made Dead Sea. MTWI, with all of the merchandising, etc. can make you MONEY. NBC DESPERATELY needs money right now. Anything. This would be the move, whereas Still Standing doesn't have a lot of marketing opportunities to make it viable.
Chico: Minute to Win It you can turn into anything. I still think there's a market for the syndication field on that. Still Standing has been showing signs of life, but anything outside of winter or summer and it'll fail. AND all you can do is turn it into a video game or something. MTWI's the right decision.
Gordon: And MTWI could have been a viable property if you KEPT IT IN THE SUMMER.
Chico: Next?
Gordon: Next one...

You land your dream gig of Food Taster. You get $1,000 an episode. What would you prefer: 3 episodes of The Next Food Network Star, or 8 episodes of Worst Chefs in America?

Chico: You would NEVER get your money's worth on Worst Chefs in America. EVER. AT ALL. You'd have to pay me more than $1000 an episode. I'll take the $3000 and be happy, thanks. How about you?
Gordon: I like Money.
Chico: We've BEEN THROUGH THIS!
Gordon: Yes, but the opinion still stands.
Chico: Do you value your wallet lining or your stomach lining?
Gordon: I have a much sturdier cast iron stomach than you. And it would prepare me for Silent Library. Give me the Worst Chefs!
Chico: You can take them, and like it. Now for the uninitiated, Gordon Pepper has been on 24 Hour Restaurant Battle as a customer. In as many words, how would you rate the food?
Gordon: It was very good. When I was on camera, I meant what I said. From a scale of 1-10, 8.5. If I was in a real restaurant, I would be satisfied with my meal.
Chico: Okay. Just thought I'd ask.
Gordon: Fair enough. There were times when I went to other episodes that people got sick there at the tapings. So there are risks that are worth mentioning.
Chico: And finally...

Heidi Klum or Molly Sims. Just.... Pick one.

Gordon: Molly. Heidi has so much baggage that you can make a Seal purse out of it. Unless she did that already.
Chico: OH! BAD!
Gordon: No home game?
Chico: No. Now for me... I'll go off the board and say Alexa Chung. You have the best bits of both.. and she's British. Weakness. Right there.
Gordon: (Starts humming 'Gold digger') Get down girl, go ahead, get down.
Chico: Why don't you hum us to break.
Gordon: (hums along)

(Brought to you by Top Shot... Shots. The gin so smooth, you can drink it straight from a water pistol. But we don't recommend it. At all)

Gordon: Ummm....no.
Chico: No. Drink it like a normal person. In a glass suitable for such things. And only in moderation.
Gordon: And not behind a wheel
Chico: EVER.
Gordon: Nope. Hey Chico!
Chico: Hey Gordon!
Gordon: American Idol started a new season this week.
Chico: Why yes, yes it did.
Gordon: So in honor of that, lets play Paula Vs. Simon!
Chico: Woo hoo! It's been a while, so a refresher. You're given a subject.
Gordon: One of us will be Paula and say everything sweet while constructing a flower bed. The other one will be Simon and get nasty while covering the flower bed with cement.
Chico: For example..

Chico is Simon. Gordon' is Paula. The Subject is...Majors & Minors winding down next week.

Gordon: Its great to showcase a bunch of new talent without the pressures of competition...or YOU.
Chico: Then what is the bloody point? There's nothing to shoot for. No fire... Everyone's just in a musical convent. You're all learning things. That's good. But people like them are looking for the best. And without that motivator it's like what is the bloody point?
Gordon: The point is that I can showcase who I am for 13 episodes without the stigma of 'I'm glad they were gone episode 1. They sucked.' Maybe the worst singer on Episode 1 wins and the winner has a marvelous future ahead of them.
Chico: Well it's all on them then isn't it? Because if they're going to suck on episode 1, they're going to suck on episode 101, and at the end of the day, who wants that? It's like, let's get all of them and put them iwth Paula. She'll love that. And they'll love her. The rest of us, not so much.
Gordon: That could be the next Lady Gaga there.
Chico: The next Lady Gaga wouldn't be caught dead there.

(AIRHORN)

Chico: ... and it goes on like that. Gordon, subject please.
Gordon: Next one...

Chico is Paula, Gordon is Simon and the subject is: The Jeopardy Online Test.

Chico: That was the easiest test i ever took. And it's so easy to sign up for it. I mean you can cast out the net and get some real gems out there.
Gordon: And it's great because NO ONE is ever going to know IF I REALLY TOOK THE TEST OR NOT.
Chico: I know you'd study.
Gordon: For all you know, me and my whole bowling team took the test at Bowler City in Hackensack, New Jersey and no one would be the wiser.
Chico: Wouldn't surprise me, you being you and all. But it's a perfect idea for those of us who can't get out to California. And what's Jeopardy! but a microcosm of America. This is pure and simple.
Gordon: Or maybe I paid Ken Jennings to take it for me. People in the NYC area do that a lot up here - especially with SATs.
Chico: Are you really that desperate?
Gordon: The potential of winning 2 million dollars like Ken Jennings did screams YES.
Chico: I mean, here you have a perfect gauge of your trivia prowess, and you go and mess it up. It's so easy. ANYONE CAN DO IT. So why doesn't anyone?
Gordon: Because people are intimidated that I have more and better friends than you do. I'll just have Jason Block take the test (flashes greenbacks).
Chico: ... you SURE you want to do that?
Gordon: Hey I have to do something with all the money I got as a taste tester on Worst Cooks in America.

(AIRHORN)

Chico: I'd suggest to get a GI doctor. Next...

Gordon gets to be hopes and dreams and Chico get to be clouds and storms on... "Are You Normal, America?"

Gordon: I like the premise. Are we normal. I know you're not normal, so you should do well on the show.
Chico: You're one to talk. I remember this show back when it was called Power of 10. I didn't like it then and I don't like it now. And I remember a little show called Identity which was even WORSE.
Gordon: Well the people on Identity weren't normal either.
Chico: No one on TV is normal. Why make a game of it? Everyone would just win. And what fun would that be?
Gordon: There's a great show called Majors and Minors. Have you seen it?
Chico: They're not normal either.
Gordon: Glee Project?
Chico: Not normal. And I didn't like it. I'm the only normal one here. ACCEPT IT.

(AIRHORN)

Chico: Next?
Gordon: Next one...

Gordon is Paula, Chico is Simon, and the Subject is...The Biggest Loser.

Chico: Don't even get me started. Watching desperate people starve themselves for entertainment. Putting their own health in jeopardy for the masses. Makes. Me. Sick.
Gordon: Now usually I'm Paula, but let me take a Simonesque approach.
Chico: Dirty rotten cheater. =p
Gordon: That's a different game. The Biggest Loser's ratings, is 6.8 million. Usually that means bye bye show, but that's one of NBC's HIGHEST RATED SHOWS this Fall.
Chico: It's NBC. That's not saying much.
Gordon: So that guarantees years and years of Biggest Loser to come.
Chico: Not to mention all the fatties out there. Watching and thinking that it's a good idea... that Chico Alexander, he's the WORST.
Gordon: Chico wants a fatty. That's definately bad for your health. Try a peach.
Chico: No fruit. He needs green vegetables... and to walk his arse on a treadmill once in a while... without a camera.
Gordon: No one wants to see that. Ewwwww.

(AiRHORN)

Chico: Seriously, I'm 10 pounds lighter since the first of the year, so... there's that.
Gordon: Cool. Next?
Chico: Next...

Chico is Paula, Gordon is Simon. The Subject: Steve Harvey

Chico: Steve Harvey... Best thing to happen to the Feud since Richard Dawson. You can tell he just loves the gig, it's just crazy. And the ratings speak for themselves.
Gordon: No no no no no. Steve Harvey has it all wrong. I mean granted it is moving time slots, but think of the big picture here. This is not something you could put in Prime Time. Remember the WB's game night hour of fun? This couldn't work there.
Chico: ... The WB had an hour of fun?
Gordon: Relatively speaking.
Chico: I'm thinking of the big picture and apparently so is Fremantle, who's giving it the vote of confidence it needed for so long. You remember Fremantle, right? They sign off on our checks? You like moooooooooooooooooooney, right?
Gordon: I do. And hence what we need is a family feud sing off. The audience votes and the team with the lowest amount of votes get booted. We need to have the best singing Family in America!
Chico: WOOOOO!

(AIRHORN)

Chico: ... And I'll never do that again. Finally...

Chico is Paula, Gordon is Simon. The subject: Snoop Dogg on the Price is Right.

Chico: The perfect way to begin a really good week. Lots of buzz around this one. And he's a friend of mine.
Gordon: He. Was. Awful. He was so awful, the only reason why the contestant won was that Snoop was off $3 in BOTH directions.
Chico: Did I mention he was a friend of mine? He's awesome. He's a good sport.
Gordon: He's a friend of mine too. That doesn't mean I'd drink gin and juice, roll up a joint and spend some time in the local penitentiary - and let me remind you that's where he currently is right now, after getting caught bidding - and budding - $420.
Chico: ... You're a local penitentiary.

(AIRHORN)

Gordon: And now we break.

(Brought to you by The Sting Off. Sure you can sing, but can you do it while maintaining a bee hive? See who can sing for money while collecting money.

Gordon: Welcome back, We're running out of time, so Speed Round starts...now!
Chico: Have we seen the Idol of the future yet?
Gordon: I think we have - but you never know. Jeopardy. You see any megawinners?
Chico: I think we have another one. Seems like we hit the quality mark around January, but you never know. Baseball IQ... the next Sports Challenge or the next Sports Geniuses?
Gordon: I'll say the next Sports Challenge
Chico: I'll say about on par with Ultimate Fan League. Dancing on GSN. Hit or flop?
Gordon: Disaster in the making. That + Layoffs = Big problems for GSN
Chico: I think the clock starts counting down to the end of David Goldhill's tenure and, as much as I hate to say it, GSN as we know it. Again.
Gordon: The plan was awful, plain and simple. Do we have any email?
Chico: Can't say we do. But I'll tell you what we do have... a Twitter account. Follow us @WLTIonGSNN. Make Gordon smile.
Gordon: :) Next week, More Idol, which will make me smile.
Chico: And Baseball IQ... which will make Gordon smile from EAR TO EAR. Especially if the Yankees winning or the Mets losing is involved.
Chico: Or the Red Sox losing for that matter.
Gordon: True. We'll get to that next week as we end this week. Special thanks to no one in particular, as it's just Chico and myself.
Chico: ... *shrugs* Thanks for reading. On behalf of everyone at GSNN, I'm Chico. He's Gordon. The show is WLTI. Game over, and spread the love.