Enter... the cheesy opening. And Jay Mohr gets one more standing O. "Even I got a sign tonight!" You sure did, man. Big show tonight, as Alonzo, Gary, John, and the final two from last year, Ralphie May and Dat Phan, perform. Oh, did we mention that tonight's show has the results? Cos, you know... It does.

But first, Jay warms the crowd with news tomorrow's Tonight Show (also featuring tonight's winner... and Courtney Love's urine sample). You know, last year, Dat Phan was on the same night Arnold announced his intention to run for Governor of California. So you tell me who won that night.

In the crowd, the other seven: Kathleen, Tammy, Jay, Ant, Corey, and Bonnie.. and Todd. We bring out the final three one more time so they can see their signs in the crowd. More from them later. Right now, the man who brought home the silver last year, Ralphie May, who's selling out crowd after crowd, night after night, DVD after DVD. Yeah, what loser, I tell you... What loser? Decked in his LeBron James USA jersey, Ralphie goes on about "da hood" ("Nothing bad is ever gonna happen to me in the dangerous part of town, because I carry a joint in my pocket. 'What do ya say we smoke this joint and rob some other white people?'"), the "Jizzack in the Beeyox", Iraq ("I got sand in places where they'll never get it out again"), and blowing up St. Louis raising boozers for battle.

And that was his A-game... which should NEVER be your B-game all gussied up. He thinks that all three comics are rightly where they are, and he voted for Alonzo (hey, so did I). Next up, Dat Phan, who followed the same route that Ralphie did, from clubs to TV to movies to "Funny Money". Been a good year for him, as he talks about movies (he plays in a movie based on the Vietnam War: "Guess which side I'm on"), movie roles ("Why you call me on the pay phone?"), "The West Wing" ("(speaking Vietnamese)... Which translates to 'You call me on the pay phone'"), kung fu movies... in Spanish, and talking martial arts while taking a leak.

"You call me with the one-trick pony. Why you waste my time?" Dat voted for Alonzo, too. Well, he can't be all bad, can he?

Final three hit the stage one last time, starting with LA's very own Alonzo Bodden, going off with LCS's very own message board talking about how he's mean. "When I hear a funny joke, I laugh. I don't form a focus group to see who got hurt by the joke." You know, of all the comics, I think I can relate to him the most, and it's not because we're both bald men with tight goatees. Following up with "everybody wants to be black until the cops come", "sometimes I want to be white for a vacation", "I hope no one who looks like me did nothing", "Woman, mine! Woman good, you keep", and "We need a coat of dust to tell us where to put stuff back!"

Then we go to Boston's Gary Gulman, who rants about his pregnant cousin ("Much like you people, I couldn't care less") who wants to be surprised and growing a beard with no moustache. No, you're not imagining things, I didn't find him funny either.

One more time with John Heffron, found in Nashville via Detroit. Or the other way around, I'm not sure. "Man, do I have senioritis today. After the show, we go shaving cream cars." That's the launchpad for doing strange things with his body like... stabbing, playing "Mystery Bruise", and working gas pumps. "Too many things for me to push at the same time. You have to hit the 87 at the same time you're pulling at the pump and at the same time you're sticking your card in, you're trying to find the G-spot. I don't have time!" And then there are the questions: "Would you like to pay cash? No. Would you like to pay credit? No. There are five stomachs in a camel. False. Jupiter is the second planet from the sun. I don't know." Pretty good stuff, but it's the same John Heffron we're used to seeing. Then again, it's just for pride, so...

Final three back on stage for one more time (I promise you this time). Jay gives props, and now... we get the housemates' reaction...

Bonnie: John
Corey: Alonzo
Kathleen: "Who knows, could be any of the three."
Todd: Kathleen (WTF?)
Ant: John, "by a hair".
Jay: Alonzo
Tammy: "If I get three votes, I'm going to vote once for John, once for Alonzo, and once for Gary."
Todd again: Alonzo (That's more like it)

Back on stage with the final three... who never left (see, I told you it'd be the last time). Jay has the results of America's vote. First to go tonight... Gary. So far, so right. Alright, down to John and Alonzo. Both blew it up. But who blew it further? Jay, it's yours...

"And I'll tell you after this commercial... You don't want to go to commercial? I'll do it, I don't care! Oh, we'll do it right now. The Last Comic Standing is John Heffron!"

Getting a call on my cell here...  (Gordongram live from LA: (^_^) you, (^_^) John Heffron, and (^_^) the audience. It's a racist issue!). So as we close the ha-ha shop for another round, it's back to getting all my laughs from a) Chappelle's Show, b) doing something stupid, or c) Michelle, a co-worker of mine. Show over, right? Heh, yeah, and I'm Dat Phan, oh and talk of the devil...

We see clips of him as he fought to be the first Last Comic Standing. Afterwards, we see clips of John fighting to be... well, you saw. Why is this relevant? Because next season, former competitors will join together as LCS1 takes on LCS2 for a purse worth hundreds and thousands of dollars. Think of this as the All-Stars version, as this fall, there will only be one Last Comic Standing. "The format is top secret, because we know that Fox is watching, and we know they'll steal it."

My money's on the LCS2 crowd. See ya in *counts* 17, 18 days for LCS3! Meantime I'll be here until Gordon kicks me off. Try the waitresses, tip your veal. God bless America, I am OUT!