The Finale - August 12
Thousands competed for a contract from NBC Universal
and an episode of "Comedy Central Presents". Forty were
trucked to the NYC... Twenty were then trucked to
Vegas... Ten came back to LA... And now, ten episodes
later, Gordon... is also in LA, so you get the Chico-ized
version of the finale of LCS. Gordon, Jason, and all my
homies at GSC... this is for you, dawgs, as we count
America's vote, and crown Alonzo Bodden, John Heffron,
or Gary Gulman as... the Last Comic Standing, y'all.
Enter... the cheesy
opening. And Jay Mohr gets one more standing O. "Even I
got a sign tonight!" You sure did, man. Big show
tonight, as Alonzo, Gary, John, and the final two from
last year, Ralphie May and Dat Phan, perform. Oh, did we
mention that tonight's show has the results? Cos, you
know... It does.
But first, Jay warms the
crowd with news tomorrow's Tonight Show (also featuring
tonight's winner... and Courtney Love's urine sample).
You know, last year, Dat Phan was on the same night
Arnold announced his intention to run for Governor of
California. So you tell me who won that night.
In the crowd, the other
seven: Kathleen, Tammy, Jay, Ant, Corey, and Bonnie..
and Todd. We bring out the final three one more time so
they can see their signs in the crowd. More from them
later. Right now, the man who brought home the silver
last year, Ralphie May, who's selling out crowd after
crowd, night after night, DVD after DVD. Yeah, what
loser, I tell you... What loser? Decked in his LeBron
James USA jersey, Ralphie goes on about "da hood"
("Nothing bad is ever gonna happen to me in the
dangerous part of town, because I carry a joint in my
pocket. 'What do ya say we smoke this joint and rob some
other white people?'"), the "Jizzack in the Beeyox",
Iraq ("I got sand in places where they'll never get it
out again"), and blowing up St. Louis raising boozers
And that was his
A-game... which should NEVER be your B-game all gussied
up. He thinks that all three comics are rightly where
they are, and he voted for Alonzo (hey, so did I). Next
up, Dat Phan, who followed the same route that Ralphie
did, from clubs to TV to movies to "Funny Money". Been a
good year for him, as he talks about movies (he plays in
a movie based on the Vietnam War: "Guess which side I'm
on"), movie roles ("Why you call me on the pay phone?"),
"The West Wing" ("(speaking Vietnamese)... Which
translates to 'You call me on the pay phone'"), kung fu
movies... in Spanish, and talking martial arts while
taking a leak.
"You call me with the
one-trick pony. Why you waste my time?" Dat voted for
Alonzo, too. Well, he can't be all bad, can he?
Final three hit the
stage one last time, starting with LA's very own Alonzo
Bodden, going off with LCS's very own message board
talking about how he's mean. "When I hear a funny joke,
I laugh. I don't form a focus group to see who got hurt
by the joke." You know, of all the comics, I think I can
relate to him the most, and it's not because we're both
bald men with tight goatees. Following up with
"everybody wants to be black until the cops come",
"sometimes I want to be white for a vacation", "I hope
no one who looks like me did nothing", "Woman, mine!
Woman good, you keep", and "We need a coat of dust to
tell us where to put stuff back!"
Then we go to Boston's
Gary Gulman, who rants about his pregnant cousin ("Much
like you people, I couldn't care less") who wants to be
surprised and growing a beard with no moustache. No,
you're not imagining things, I didn't find him funny
One more time with John
Heffron, found in Nashville via Detroit. Or the other
way around, I'm not sure. "Man, do I have senioritis
today. After the show, we go shaving cream cars." That's
the launchpad for doing strange things with his body
like... stabbing, playing "Mystery Bruise", and working
gas pumps. "Too many things for me to push at the same
time. You have to hit the 87 at the same time you're
pulling at the pump and at the same time you're sticking
your card in, you're trying to find the G-spot. I don't
have time!" And then there are the questions: "Would you
like to pay cash? No. Would you like to pay credit? No.
There are five stomachs in a camel. False. Jupiter is
the second planet from the sun. I don't know." Pretty
good stuff, but it's the same John Heffron we're used to
seeing. Then again, it's just for pride, so...
Final three back on
stage for one more time (I promise you this time). Jay
gives props, and now... we get the housemates'
Kathleen: "Who knows, could be any of the three."
Todd: Kathleen (WTF?)
Ant: John, "by a hair".
Tammy: "If I get three votes, I'm going to vote once for
John, once for Alonzo, and once for Gary."
Todd again: Alonzo (That's more like it)
Back on stage with the
final three... who never left (see, I told you it'd be
the last time). Jay has the results of America's vote.
First to go tonight... Gary. So far, so right. Alright,
down to John and Alonzo. Both blew it up. But who blew
it further? Jay, it's yours...
"And I'll tell you after
this commercial... You don't want to go to commercial?
I'll do it, I don't care! Oh, we'll do it right now. The
Last Comic Standing is John Heffron!"
Getting a call on my
cell here... (Gordongram live from LA: (^_^) you,
(^_^) John Heffron, and (^_^) the audience. It's a
racist issue!). So as we close the ha-ha shop for
another round, it's back to getting all my laughs from
a) Chappelle's Show, b) doing something stupid, or c)
Michelle, a co-worker of mine. Show over, right? Heh,
yeah, and I'm Dat Phan, oh and talk of the devil...
We see clips of him as
he fought to be the first Last Comic Standing.
Afterwards, we see clips of John fighting to be... well,
you saw. Why is this relevant? Because next season,
former competitors will join together as LCS1 takes on
LCS2 for a purse worth hundreds and thousands of
dollars. Think of this as the All-Stars version, as this
fall, there will only be one Last Comic Standing. "The
format is top secret, because we know that Fox is
watching, and we know they'll steal it."
My money's on the LCS2
crowd. See ya in *counts* 17, 18 days for LCS3! Meantime
I'll be here until Gordon kicks me off. Try the
waitresses, tip your veal. God bless America, I am OUT!