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Today is

Flavor of Youth - January 15

(C-Note: The powers that be have deemed this series one of the most taxing to cover, with all the references to body parts and things being done to body parts. Reader discretion is strongly advised...

Relax yourself, bitches. It's a celebrealization.)

The ladies have come to the realization that this is a competition, not just for love, but for each other. And Hottie seems to be the target. "She's shifty, she's shysty, and she's sneaky." What "shysty" means... No clue. Hottie seems to be of the mindset that she would do almost anything for love, including, but not limited to shredding other women's dresses...

If I may quote Outkast for a moment... "Crazy bitch."

Big Rick is back with another Flav-o-gram

Ladies, today five of you are going out with me on an adventure STOP. Sweetie, Peaches, New York, Hottie, and Red Oyster, go make yourself pretty, because you're going to meet some old friends of mine STOP. Don't worry, the rest of you will get a chance to compete for a date with me soon FULL STOP.

Now you're thinking "Oh man, are they going to meet Public Enemy?" If you are, chances are you're one of the 10 women remaining. The rest of us, having seen the trailer, know that these really are some old friends of Flav's. Really old.

Cue the rush on the getting pretty. Flav comes down and immediately thinks what we're thinking: "Man, the way these girls are dressed, you think they were meeting Chuck D or Shaquille O'Neal or somebody," which would lead a normal person to believe that that was not the case.

These ladies, as you should know by now, are not normal. But one of them, the one they like the most, will win a date with Flav later.

The ladies arrive at One Generation Share to Care Senior Center. Which is met with... blank stares. Sweetie is immediately proven to be the smart one, as she discovered, oh, the old friends are REALLY old friends. New York immediately thinks, "I wasted my outfit." O...kay.

Flav needs a girl who'll be there for "his golden years". So to that effect, the ladies go into the activity room, wishing they would've worn something a little less.. revealing. After a few rounds of checkers and pipe cleaners and bridge, Flav tells us that he's watching them and judging them on how they treat these people. Peaches even gets a massage in.. because she's a hippie. After a line dance, Re Oyster gets a bit of a tap on the bum, while New York has to help someone put their teeth in... without running away.

New York, you don't know it yet, but you just blew it. Sweetie takes the steal... and scores! Imagine the look of contempt on New York's face when Flav tells her that she's being watched. See, if I were Flav, I wouldn't have done that.

But alas, it's time to make up his mind... Sweetie gets points for the teeth... Got dinner comin'. "IT'sa  spot that's hot, and you'll forget it not."

Later that afternoon, Hoopz and Pumkin check out Serious's photo spread. "Obviously for the exposure."

Later that night, Sweetie and Flav go out to the best place Flav thinks for romance... the Red Lobster. "I love Red Lobster. I'm a Red Lobster freak." All we can say is... Brother like to eat!

Meanwhile, Hoopz, Serious, and Goldie teach Pumkin how to dance "like a black girl." They think she's an OG, to which Pumkin replied.. "Olive Garden?" Ladies: "Man, you are so white!" Well... yeah?

Back to the date, though. How long will it take for Flav to kiss Sweetie's mouth. "A month." Well.. give her points for meaningful relationships. "I'm just not that girl. I don't move that fast." Flav thinks that Sweetie was just a bit too sweet.

Next thing you know, New York is back on the dress that was shredded by Hottie. "She's gonna pay for my jacket, because it's missing." Meanwhile, the whole house raids Hottie's room for what they believe are missing goods. Hottie denies having New York's jacket. She said she would've said that she did, she threw it out on the street, and she drove over it. Confront ensues. This is compounded when Hottie says that "all of [her] friends say [she] reminds them of Beyonce."

On what planet?

Goldie: "Hottie... Mental institution... Bitch need a straight jacket."
New York: "You (^_^)ing look like Luther Vandross!"
Goldie: "Hottie is two chocolate chips short of a cookie."

That was low...

Hottie swears that she's not going to be upset by her roommates... This as she's doing yoga. And if you've ever seen a double-D woman doing yoga... That's just grotesque.

Anywho, here come Big Rick with another Flav-o-gram...

Hey, y'all STOP. Everyone knows Flavor Flav loves a good party STOP. So today, Pumkin, Goldie, Hoopz, Smiley, and Serious, put on your best party dress, because we're going to throw some of my buddies a blast STOP. Whoever they like the best will go on a romantic picnic, and I hate to say it, but even though it's killing me, two of you have got to go home FULL STOP.

Red Oyster says that New York felt betrayed that she wasn't included in the group to go on today's date, even though she had a group date yesterday. Again, quoting Outkast... "Crazy bitch."

Again, we're in borderline illegal dresses, while Flav is... still talking with New York... playing it up... Pumkin: "Restraining order..."

Okay, now we can head onto the party with these women. Their destination... a park. Just like half went on a group date with the older generation, the other half is taking on the youth of America... "I got six kids. I want four more before I die." Goldie loves kids. Good job. They meet Lulu, the birthday girl, and her mom, who's very much the type-A schedule making, list keeping.. woman. Everyone's like... "Okay!" Pumkin says she's not too worried, because she's a substitute teacher and a cheerleading coach... I'll believe that. Pay attention, class. This fact will come up at least three more times.

The kids were supposed to be having an egg toss, but instead, they have an egg.. scramble. Meanwhile, Pumkin consoles a one-year-old like no one's business. Smiley took charge, but wishes she didn't wear that outfit.

And Goldie's friend... has to be violently ill. Wow, that takes me back to the time that everyone was piss drunk on the first episode.

And now, the cleaning...  Flav comes up... and takes Serious out on the date. How ironic. She doesn't feel like she's any good with the kids. They're going to a nice, "romantic comfortable setting." Meanwhile, Sweetie doesn't think she's ready for Flav's advances, while Hottie is MORE than ready.

Meanwhile, Pumkin was taking her loss the hardest, you know, being a substitute and a cheer coach. Pumkin thinks that she's going home tonight. Meanwhile, New York is starting junk again, especially with Hoopz. And another shouting fit occurs... which ends in "I'm staking my claim. That's my man."

Onto the date... it's the backyard. "I couldn't wait to bust them bubbles, kid." Flav has one thing on his mind... okay, two things.

Serious seems to think that she's attracted to Flav. And Red Oyster is watching from afar as Flav professes his love from the balcony. Serious just drops it on him that she's a model. Meanwhile, Oyster doesn't think her motives are genuine. "She's just here for the exposure." Everyone wants to hire a reality ho. Really. Except for Flav, who doesn't see a connection as of yet. She says she had a "blast." He says that he had a "blaster".

After Serious leaves, Pumkin talks to Flav about her being a substitute teacher and a cheerleading coach who really was good with kids. Flav blames the editing, telling her to "bring herself". She does. Wasn't my fault.

Oyster's back, telling Flav that some people (Serious) is on to further her modeling career. With that info, it's time to select clocks. Two women don't know what time it is, and they're on their way home. Let's go to the elimination...

Eight clocks to open. Oyster gets a clock. Sweetie gets a clock. Pumkin gets a clock. Smiley gets a clock. Goldie gets a clock. Hottie gets a clock (quoting Outkast again... "Crazy bitch."). New York gets a clock. And finally... Hoopz gets a clock. Serious (Cristal) misjudged her relationship, and Peaches (Kim) is just too much of a hippie... *makes call me motion*.

So here we are at the final eight. Next time, the girls meet someone "dear to him". Who? Guess you're going to have to check this next time... Holla...

Okay, it's his mother. Thank you, VH1.


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