Flavor of Arrival - January 1

(C-Note: The powers that be have deemed this series one of the most taxing to cover, with all the references to body parts and things being done to body parts. Reader discretion is strongly advised...

Relax yourself, bitches. It's a celebrealization.)

Over the years, there have been several hip-hop exclamations:

"WHAT!!!" -Li'l Jon

"YEAH!!!" -Li'l Jon

"OKAY!!!" -Li'l Jon

"SKEET SKEET SKEET!!!" -Li'l Jon

But back in the day, there was only one....

"YEEEEEEEEEAH, BOOOYYYYYYYY!" -Flavor Flav.

The scene: a posh mansion (reality dating cliché #1). Twenty women have gathered with one thing in common... their love for one special man... Flavor Flav. Which just goes to show you that a) celebreality is more popular than you think, or b) these women will literally believe ANYTHING they read on Craigslist.org. So imagine their feigned squeals as Mr. Flav enters the building, does a little jig, and then .. jigs some more.

But first, some background: Flav (birth name: William Drayton Jr., legal name: Flavor Flav, nicknames: Flav, Mr. F) describes himself as the greatest hype man in the music business (although he hasn't come out with anything since his days in Public Enemy). He's toured the world eight and a half times (going on nine). He's had two TV shows (both on this network in this time slot) and we see clips of both. He has fame, fortune, "rare valuable works'a art", "a mad domestic stack", and a body man, "Big Rick". "None'a these things mean nothing... without a woman to spend it with." I guess Brigitte didn't work out in the end, eh?

"I'm goin' to invite 20 girls, and put them to the test, and I'm gonna see which one of these girls love Flavor Flav the best." So sayeth the self-coined "Black-chelorrrrrrrrr...." Read the screen people, I'm not lying.

We get the standard parade of slu...err, distinguished hopefuls with a) a whip, b) the idea that "what's yours is mine, and what's mine is mine", c) random tears, d) a daddy complex, e) a daddy, and f) too many expectations.

After explaining the whole nine to the whole 20, they go upstairs to the beds, of which there are only 15. And you don't need the Numbers Game to figure out what that means... Five people are going home... tonight.

We get the spotlight of a woman who likes pink and has 34DD (all natural), but since we don't get her name off the bat, we don't care.

Big Rick directs the ladies to the velvet rope, as Flav reenters with a confession. "He is NOT good with names at all." So everyone here gets a nickname... and a nametag with that nickname on it. To that end, we meet Oyster (tattoo on the right breast), Apples, Smiley, Sweetie (with her name on her bum), Cherry (who has giant nipples... okay, TMI shorty... TMI), Bubblez, Peaches, Georgia (for his Georgia Peach), Pumkin (for the blonde chick with the cropped 'do), Picasso (for the resident painter), Dimplez, Hoopz (for the basketballer), Serious (for the model who gave Flav a picture of herself with a thong, a clock... and a smile).... and Flav's still thinking of a nickname for this tall drink of water... Shellz (for the scuba diver). We also get New York, Miss Latin, Smokey, Goldie, Rain (the crybaby from earlier), and Hottie, but I don't think they'll be sticking around for much longer.

And of course, Flav gets to put the tags on them, meaning that his hands do a little matchmaking of their own. Hey, who can say that they got to second base with Flavor Flav?

Next up, the intro mixer (reality dating cliché #2), meaning it's time to bring out the superhero of every reality dating series... the man responsible for bringing in open bar...  Inebrio-Man! (reality dating cliché #3). It reminds Goldie of "a ghetto prom where everyone has the same date." Apples isn't sure of how "ghetto" some of these women might be. She toasts to "eat, drink and be merry, for tomorrow, somebodies might go home." Goldie says, "She's way too prissy. She needs to loosen her corset."

Smokey's family is really smart (and she was adopted), so naturally, she didn't get the allusion that Apples was making (vapid people... reality dating cliché #4). So what does Flav learn about these young lovelies?

- Pumkin is a substitute teacher, a cheerleading coach, and a hypnotist's assistant
- New York ... is a big fan, and according to Pumkin, "incredibly fake." "[These women] are a loud pack of idiot bitches, and I'm sick of them already!"
- Hottie (the one with the 34DDs) is "all about business"... and is incredibly passive-aggressive. 
- Smokey has no command of the King's English, asking every other sentence, "Is that a word?"
- Smiley's got a nice set of undies, and she doesn't mind swimming with them. She's also a "big time nerd".
- Cherry is very competitive
- Picasso likes to paint, write, and masturbate. Which leads Flav to admit that he's driving a bus, not a Mack Truck. "It IS a big cock..." Silence.... Pan to the rooster sculpture. Wow... that is a big cock.

Cherry tries to take Flav to the hot tub (reality dating cliché #5) just when Shellz is getting some time with Flav. Cherry makes him feels like a man... over and over and over again with the other women watching. Rain rains on their parade (it's only natural, after all, such is the nature... of rain).

Flav calls the mixer a "pisser". Three women volunteer body warmth to the cold MC, as he warns "a little bit of friction can lead to addiction." Oyster brags that she's trying to break the world record of wearing red every day. Just when they get serious, here comes Big Rick...

"It's time."

Meanwhile, Goldie is wicked pissed right now. She takes a glass of the bubbly (C-Note: STOP! The following experiment is dangerous. For your safety and the protection of those around you, do not try this at home) and drops (C-Note: No really... DON'T.) a strawberry. "Now we really drinkin'!" I'm convinced that she's really drunk at the confessional as she gives us a human beat box to "Strawberries & Champagne". "I'm not out of control yet."

Oh but yes, as she spends the rest of the interim time asleep on the couch next to a chuck bucket. Rain tells her that she needs to summon whatever there is left inside and get up off the couch... and she does so... right into the chuck bucket. "Ooh, it smells like chicken!" Moral of the story from Rain: "Champagne will sneak up on you and bite your ass."

The girls are getting dolled up for the first elimination ceremony. Oyster and New York talk about who's going to be eliminated, as New York says "All of 'em," saying she'll be the last one standing. "I'm just glad that for once, I'm not the biggest bitch in the group," Oyster says. Hoopz is worried that she's going home because she's acting with dignity and decorum... Reality dating cliché #6, getting rid of the smart ones, keeping the dumb ones.

Meanwhile, in Suite Flavor, Flav is facing a wall of 20 clocks. By the end of the night, the time will run out on five of them. "It kinda bothered me, but in the end... It didn't bother me! But it did kinda bother me." Flav eliminates the five... but we don't get to see who... until now. "Fifteen got good news comin'," Big Rick says.

Here's the deal. If you're given a clock, you know what time it is, and you get to stay around. If not, then your time is up. And now... who gets clocked? That would be.... Hottie, Serious, New York, Smiley, Peaches, Miss Latin, Hoopz, Dimplez, Apples, Oyster ("You've been a very very bad boy! You made me wait that long *whiplash*"), "a very interesting piece of art" (pan to Picasso)... Georgia, Sweetie, (Pumkin: "It's not me.") Pumkin, Rain... and Goldie (who's country). As for Cherry (Miko), Picasso (Sarah), Bubblez (April), Smokey (Johanna), and Shellz (Amber)... it's time to go. They say their goodbyes and head for the door, some with more tears and resentment *ahem*NewYorkSeriousGoldie*ahem* than others.

So we have the toast (reality dating cliché #7), and Flav notes that a lot of feelings are going to be hurt (8), but at least they had fun first.

Well, I'm glad someone did. Check back in 167 for more clocks. Holla at your Chairman.