Flavor of Arrival - January 1
(C-Note: The powers that be have deemed this
series one of the most taxing to cover, with all the references to body parts
and things being done to body parts. Reader discretion is strongly advised...
Relax yourself, bitches. It's a celebrealization.)
Over the years, there have been several hip-hop
"WHAT!!!" -Li'l Jon
"YEAH!!!" -Li'l Jon
"OKAY!!!" -Li'l Jon
"SKEET SKEET SKEET!!!" -Li'l Jon
But back in the day, there was only one....
"YEEEEEEEEEAH, BOOOYYYYYYYY!" -Flavor Flav.
The scene: a posh mansion (reality dating cliché
#1). Twenty women have gathered with one thing in common... their love for one
special man... Flavor Flav. Which just goes to show you that a) celebreality is
more popular than you think, or b) these women will literally believe ANYTHING
they read on Craigslist.org. So imagine their feigned squeals as Mr. Flav enters
the building, does a little jig, and then .. jigs some more.
But first, some background: Flav (birth name:
William Drayton Jr., legal name: Flavor Flav, nicknames: Flav, Mr. F) describes
himself as the greatest hype man in the music business (although he hasn't come
out with anything since his days in Public Enemy). He's toured the world eight
and a half times (going on nine). He's had two TV shows (both on this network in
this time slot) and we see clips of both. He has fame, fortune, "rare valuable
works'a art", "a mad domestic stack", and a body man, "Big Rick". "None'a these
things mean nothing... without a woman to spend it with." I guess Brigitte
didn't work out in the end, eh?
"I'm goin' to invite 20 girls, and put them to
the test, and I'm gonna see which one of these girls love Flavor Flav the best."
So sayeth the self-coined "Black-chelorrrrrrrrr...." Read the screen people, I'm
We get the standard parade of slu...err,
distinguished hopefuls with a) a whip, b) the idea that "what's yours is mine,
and what's mine is mine", c) random tears, d) a daddy complex, e) a daddy, and
f) too many expectations.
After explaining the whole nine to the whole 20,
they go upstairs to the beds, of which there are only 15. And you don't need the
Numbers Game to figure out what that means... Five people are going home...
We get the spotlight of a woman who likes pink
and has 34DD (all natural), but since we don't get her name off the bat, we
Big Rick directs the ladies to the velvet rope,
as Flav reenters with a confession. "He is NOT good with names at all." So
everyone here gets a nickname... and a nametag with that nickname on it. To that
end, we meet Oyster (tattoo on the right breast), Apples, Smiley, Sweetie (with
her name on her bum), Cherry (who has giant nipples... okay, TMI shorty... TMI),
Bubblez, Peaches, Georgia (for his Georgia Peach), Pumkin (for the blonde chick
with the cropped 'do), Picasso (for the resident painter), Dimplez, Hoopz (for
the basketballer), Serious (for the model who gave Flav a picture of herself
with a thong, a clock... and a smile).... and Flav's still thinking of a
nickname for this tall drink of water... Shellz (for the scuba diver). We also
get New York, Miss Latin, Smokey, Goldie, Rain (the crybaby from earlier), and
Hottie, but I don't think they'll be sticking around for much longer.
And of course, Flav gets to put the tags on them,
meaning that his hands do a little matchmaking of their own. Hey, who can say
that they got to second base with Flavor Flav?
Next up, the intro mixer (reality dating cliché
#2), meaning it's time to bring out the superhero of every reality dating
series... the man responsible for bringing in open bar... Inebrio-Man!
(reality dating cliché #3). It reminds Goldie of "a ghetto prom where everyone
has the same date." Apples isn't sure of how "ghetto" some of these women might
be. She toasts to "eat, drink and be merry, for tomorrow, somebodies might go
home." Goldie says, "She's way too prissy. She needs to loosen her corset."
Smokey's family is really smart (and she was
adopted), so naturally, she didn't get the allusion that Apples was making
(vapid people... reality dating cliché #4). So what does Flav learn about these
- Pumkin is a substitute teacher, a cheerleading
coach, and a hypnotist's assistant
- New York ... is a big fan, and according to Pumkin, "incredibly fake." "[These
women] are a loud pack of idiot bitches, and I'm sick of them already!"
- Hottie (the one with the 34DDs) is "all about business"... and is incredibly
- Smokey has no command of the King's English, asking every other sentence, "Is
that a word?"
- Smiley's got a nice set of undies, and she doesn't mind swimming with them.
She's also a "big time nerd".
- Cherry is very competitive
- Picasso likes to paint, write, and masturbate. Which leads Flav to admit that
he's driving a bus, not a Mack Truck. "It IS a big cock..." Silence.... Pan to
the rooster sculpture. Wow... that is a big cock.
Cherry tries to take Flav to the hot tub (reality
dating cliché #5) just when Shellz is getting some time with Flav. Cherry makes
him feels like a man... over and over and over again with the other women
watching. Rain rains on their parade (it's only natural, after all, such is the
nature... of rain).
Flav calls the mixer a "pisser". Three women
volunteer body warmth to the cold MC, as he warns "a little bit of friction can
lead to addiction." Oyster brags that she's trying to break the world record of
wearing red every day. Just when they get serious, here comes Big Rick...
Meanwhile, Goldie is wicked pissed right now. She
takes a glass of the bubbly (C-Note: STOP! The following experiment is
dangerous. For your safety and the protection of those around you, do not try
this at home) and drops (C-Note: No really... DON'T.) a strawberry. "Now we
really drinkin'!" I'm convinced that she's really drunk at the confessional as
she gives us a human beat box to "Strawberries & Champagne". "I'm not out of
Oh but yes, as she spends the rest of the interim
time asleep on the couch next to a chuck bucket. Rain tells her that she needs
to summon whatever there is left inside and get up off the couch... and she does
so... right into the chuck bucket. "Ooh, it smells like chicken!" Moral of the
story from Rain: "Champagne will sneak up on you and bite your ass."
The girls are getting dolled up for the first
elimination ceremony. Oyster and New York talk about who's going to be
eliminated, as New York says "All of 'em," saying she'll be the last one
standing. "I'm just glad that for once, I'm not the biggest bitch in the group,"
Oyster says. Hoopz is worried that she's going home because she's acting with
dignity and decorum... Reality dating cliché #6, getting rid of the smart ones,
keeping the dumb ones.
Meanwhile, in Suite Flavor, Flav is facing a wall
of 20 clocks. By the end of the night, the time will run out on five of them.
"It kinda bothered me, but in the end... It didn't bother me! But it did kinda
bother me." Flav eliminates the five... but we don't get to see who... until
now. "Fifteen got good news comin'," Big Rick says.
Here's the deal. If you're given a clock, you
know what time it is, and you get to stay around. If not, then your time is up.
And now... who gets clocked? That would be.... Hottie, Serious, New York,
Smiley, Peaches, Miss Latin, Hoopz, Dimplez, Apples, Oyster ("You've been a very
very bad boy! You made me wait that long *whiplash*"), "a very interesting piece
of art" (pan to Picasso)... Georgia, Sweetie, (Pumkin: "It's not me.") Pumkin,
Rain... and Goldie (who's country). As for Cherry (Miko), Picasso (Sarah),
Bubblez (April), Smokey (Johanna), and Shellz (Amber)... it's time to go. They
say their goodbyes and head for the door, some with more tears and resentment
*ahem*NewYorkSeriousGoldie*ahem* than others.
So we have the toast (reality dating cliché #7),
and Flav notes that a lot of feelings are going to be hurt (8), but at least
they had fun first.
Well, I'm glad someone did. Check back in 167 for
more clocks. Holla at your Chairman.